Prose - "The Life of Brian" by Oleg Bocharov.

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           +=======================================================+           
---------+ |  A new creation that was inspired by | +---------
         | | Monty Python's film "The Life of Brian" | |         
         +--------------------------------------------+         
(c) Oleg Bocharov ooo http://warrax.croco.net              



     Jesus Christ was squatting and at the same time on the shore
Stonehenge and looked with sad eyes at the blazing sunset
sunshine. Rays of the sun plunging into the Indian Ocean
reflected from his glasses, which sharply harmonized with the green
Jesus' sneakers and Negro rap in Yiddish, which rings loudly
came from the radio.  Jesus was sad, he had just
received two bad news: firstly, his company's shares
production of luminescent tights fell by two points (point
reception of glass containers and support point number 666), and secondly only
that he received a summons for execution by mail. There was a ringing sound from behind
bottles of bourbon - it was Judas. He was also clearly not in a good mood -
the bottles were not accepted from him because the collection point for glass containers was closed
due to the fact that he was overwhelmed with incomprehensible papers.
I had to get thirty pieces of silver to get drunk on the side.
“Hello, Judas,” said Jesus, “I have a bad feeling for you.
news -tomorrow I will be crucified, and therefore you and I will not be able to
Sunday to go for a slut.  Aren't you mad at me?" "Yes, you are
don’t be upset,” Judas waved his hand, “I just wanted you
I can also say that I won’t be able to go there.  I have a wife
got sick." "What's wrong with her?" "Yes, syphilis, damn it." Jesus
I didn’t ask whose horseradish the syphilis was supposed to take. They
went to their miserable shack. The shack consisted of walls and a ceiling,
which framed a large desk.  It was on the table
several astrolabes that Jesus bought at Christmas
sale in the Vatican, the astrolabes were pressed down on top
massive press nanbe in the form of a bust of John the Baptist.  Judas
took out the oiled glasses and poured the bourbon. Bottled bourbon
scattered all over the table, ruining such precious imported
(from Italy after all!) astrolabes. But Jesus didn't seem to have it
noticed that his head was occupied with sublime thoughts: he was already
imagined himself rising above a hill at a height of three meters
- this is exactly the height that crucified crosses were made in
workshop opposite.  “Tomorrow I will no longer be with you,” -
interrupted the chomping of Ida Christ, - “Someone rolled a cart on me
Pilate, and now I will have to take the rap for all your sins. A
our sins will carry us to two towers." In Judea they called towers
elite five-meter tallestcrucifixion  Judas looked
upset: “But you, I hope, won’t pawn us?” "It's already late!"
- Jesus breathed, - “Some bastard wrote a whole story about us
dossier, called it the “New Testament” and slipped it to the Romans. Now
None of us can get away now." “So what,” he asked
Judas, who even scratched his balls out of fright, said: “There are many
Let's go for a ride?" "Almost everything. Even my drunken stories that you
They called it parables for fun, they are there.  And about genetics
experiments on my mother when the implant was not implanted in her
damaging the hymen. And even about bribes from the Magi." "Bad business" -
Judas summed up, “And if there’s still something about your
unlicensed medical practice when you are also
treated lepers with uncertified medicines, then
generally a pipe" Judas reached into the pile of dirty stuff lying in the corner
unwashed underwear (chain mail, armor, etc.) and fished out from there
The remote control turned on the TV.  "According to the latest order
Senate," said the announcer of the news program, "yy
dairy cattle next year should be increased by
five times from each head.  In addition, the Senate decided
take measures to eradicate locusts from the fields of our homeland,
Colorado beetles, religious preachers and other creatures,
interfering with the hard work of collective farmers."  At this moment they becameshow footage of several young sectarians being crucified,
who handed out brochures in the subway with an ominous title
"Do you believe in God?" The assembled crowd roared approvingly and
after each hammered nail there was thunderous applause,
gradually turning into ovation and orgy. TV murmuring
gradually it overcame Jesus, and he fell asleep like the last docent.
Waking up in the morning and looking at the solar alarm clock Jesus
discovered that he was late for the execution - it was supposed to take place
at 10 am, and it was already a quarter to the clock. A quarter of an hour yet
six months ago, rats chewed it off. Jumping up from his chair, Jesus rushed
catch a taxi - for being late for his own execution he could
punish strictly.  There was no way to catch a taxi in such a big city.
problem - and after three hours a satisfied Jesus sat down on
the back seat of a luxury Trabant. The execution was in full swing
- at the entrance to the local circus tent (where they usually took place
execution shows) they had to push through a huge
a crowd of onlookers looking at the colorful programs of the upcoming
actions.  A poster hanging at the entrance read: “Today at the circus:
Solo performance-quartering of the maniac-killer Andrei
Chikatilo.  A unique and unrepeatable execution! Also in the program -
the cutting off of the head of John the Baptist, the burning of Giordano Bruno and
guillotining the queenAntyanettes. As a warming agent
composition - our special guest from Nazareth Jesus Christ (execution
through the crucifix)." Jesus barely made it to the back door, where emy
and now he saw how the female persons sitting in the stands
at the sight of Jesus naked, they took out their powder compacts or began to
make emy eyes.  Some girl threw flowers at emy. Flowers
hit Jesus very hard, for they were cut off from
central marble fountain, where the head of one of the
sculptural compositions. Jesus knew this girl - her name was Mary
Magdalene, and as rumor claimed, Jesus was the only
a man in the city with whom she never managed to sleep.
More precisely, she managed to get laid - he had drunk so much beer
loaded it with his stories that Maria for the first time in her life
managed to fall asleep even before demonstrating
the color of your swimming trunks to your interlocutor.  The hall involuntarily froze when
hit by the stone flower, Jesus staggered. It seemed like he was here
will collapse, with its entire mass spread out in a pool of blood and
handfuls of guts that were left on stage from previous artists.
But Jesus was the son of God for this reason, so that he could stand on his feet when
emy doesn't want to fall.  Emy indicated the right place where
you need to put up a cross.  Another twenty minutes local carpenter
He fussed around, nailing Jesus with nails. Nailsturned out to be
too soft and constantly bent. Christ could not look at
suffering of a simple craftsman and created a miracle - he made
soft tin nails become hard, like Achilles' penis.
The delighted audience applauded while standing.  However, this is not entirely
correct expression, because it was not the audience that applauded, but only those people
who were in it.  The hall itself could not applaud, because
he has no hands. And even if they were, it still wouldn’t be
would guarantee that the audience began to applaud - after all, the action
Jesus might not have delighted him. Then Christ died.
ALL. Did you expect anything different?