music: CRAZY mix
from: by 'Dream Team' 1993
L1> Our magazine, although literary, is
still has something to do with computers.
Here's at least something related to this topic.
If cars
evolved like computers.
There is a famous saying by a computer
tycoon Bill Gates: “If there were a car
developed as quickly as a computer,
A Rolls-Royce would cost less than a dollar now
ra, but on a liter of Gasoline it would be possible to
walk a thousand kilometers." Indeed, with
moment of the appearance of computers, their price and cost
operation compared to production
telility fell in precisely this proportion.
Based on this statement, anonymous
a comedian on the Internet suggested a comparison:
If cars developed like this
computers, your car from time to time
would stop for no reason
on the highway, and to get it started, you have to
It would be possible to exit it and enter again.
When a new model appears, drivers
would have to be retrained, since
all controls operate on it
differently.
After applying newmarking lines
I'd have to buy a new one for the trip
CAR.
The manufacturer would require from each machine
noah buy a complete set of road maps,
even if you don’t need them, but it would be worth it
What a set, like the car itself.
All warning lights, warning
warnings about overheating of oil, water, battery discharge
mulator and other malfunctions, replaced
There would be one light bulb with the inscription "GENERAL ERROR
applications".
When you press the brake, the car
I would say: “Do you really want to jam-
moss? Yes, no, cancel."
To turn off the engine, you would have to
click on the "Start" button.
"Science and Life"
#11 '99
------------------------------------------
L1> Now it’s just humor.
Toilet paper
(this is not my masterpiece)
PURPOSE, OPERATING CONDITIONS AND
TECHNICAL PRODUCT DATA
Toilet Paper (art. no. 11315509651), in
hereinafter - PRODUCT, intended for
removing the remains of the defecation process from
outer edge of the anus,
adjacent skin areas and local
but concentrated in this area
body hair (hereinafter referred to as
place of use).
APPLICATION
1. Read carefullyreal ins-
traction. The instructions must be fixed
on M6 screws in an easily accessible and good
in a lighted place in the line of sight
user(s).
2. Place the product roll on a level
user's chest in a slightly horizontal position
position
3. Perform an act of defecation.
4. Make sure the act is successfully completed and
in the absence of urges to continue it
(this point is important for saving and rational
natural use of the product).
5. Direct forward movement of the right
hands down, grab the tip (of the product), and
with that sharp movement up and to the right,
literally at an angle of 60 degrees to the line
horizon, pull the product, unwinding it, so
Thus, 700 millimeters of product (for
user convenience every 100 millimeter
The products are marked with perforations).
6. With multi-directional movements of the hands in the horizontal
create a gap in the zontal plane
tapes approximately between the two closest
mi areas of perforation. Persons Possessing
the absence of one of the limbs, the produc-
manipulate the product using the remaining
hard cutting or chopping instrument
(scissors, table knife, straight razor,
hatchet for cutting meat). Observe the me-
ry precautions set out in accordance with
the relevant instructions included with
to these products.
Note. It is not recommended to produce
tearproducts according to perforation areas due to
due to the danger of damage and deformation
surface layer of fibrous structure
product material.
7. Fold a piece of the product into an accordion shape
(Bayan), consistently bending it along
perforation areas, having received product No. 2
(see Fig. 1).
8. Transfer to the hand most convenient for
user.
9. Attach what you received during the previous
manipulation of product No. 2 to the place of use
and, pressing your hand tightly to the skin
cover, perform wiping actions in
intergluteal space.
10. Having placed the used product in storage
range of vision, in good lighting conditions
opportunity to inspect the ma-
Check for detection of worm eggs
or signs of head lice. In case of detection
For such purposes, dial 03 and set to
knowledge of relevant medical schools
injuries at the place of residence. Otherwise
case, repeat steps 4-9 three or four times
for.
11. Use a clean, dry hand to check the quality.
cleaning (intergluteal space on
the touch should be dry, slightly rough,
the edges of the anus are well
rubbed, the hair is fluffy and easy
available for combing). If there is
What are the signs of poor-quality wiping?
(dirt under nails, sharp specific
smell during olfactory control, etc.)
perform manipulationsdescribed in paragraph.
4-9, three four more times.
PRECAUTIONS
1. Do not smoke near the product.
2. Do not leave a used product in
places of culture, recreation and food.
3. Keep away from children. Toilet Paper - no
a toy, but a hygiene product!
4. Repeated use is not recommended.
product name.
------------------------------------------
Alexey KuBrack
Clip.
"Hoax".
Railway. Perpendicular to it
the camera swings, but in such a way that there are no rails
visible. There is a forest nearby, birds are singing, silence...
Suddenly two locomotives appear, heading towards
meet each other in neighboring colonies. On
one large portrait of Lenin, on the other -
Stalin. Noise, smoke, clatter of wheels, revolutionary
new songs... Plays against the background of all this
DDT's composition "Musical Image III", and
the voice rarely fulfills the word in any way
"hoax". And as soon as the last two
the carriages leave the frame, the camera rises
and shows the way from above. And koliya is OD-
ON!
April 1999.
Episode with a code name
Man is a mill
- Where is this damn disabled person? - already screaming
the truck driver said.
- Don't make noise. - said Byva, who came up -
ly, “I’m disabled,” and pushed him with my stomach.
Driver, fromsurprises, lost the gift
speech. For some time he stood in absolute
nom tableBnyake. This reminded me of Tserete-
Levsky Peter, standing in the middle of the desert
no, in a fragile boat, in which one can barely
his legs say goodbye, and as if with a silent question -
catfish: “Where is the sea?!” But the table is
passed, and he tried to somehow respond to
such an insult: he began to wave randomly
hands and try to say something, but
nothing worked for him - instead of human-
chesical speech, some kind of shi-
singing like a boiling kettle.
The “disabled man” once again pushed with his stomach
"man-mill", sat in the "disabled" and
left.
-----------------------------------------
Jokes (old)
- How to catch a hare?
- You need to stand behind a tree and make a sound
carrots...
- How to kill bedbugs in a room?
- We need to drive them under the closet, and at the closet
file the legs.
We will always make it under the lying stone!
- Doctor, you know, I’m so ashamed to say-
I'm sorry, but I farted and I can't hear it! Help
me please!
- Here are the tablets, take them 3 times a day -
those!
- Will I hear better?
- No, fart louder!
The man wanted to eat. He sees it nearby
restaurant. He comes in and sees the walls covered in freckles.
kah. Undresses, looks - wardrobe and
Wardrobe man with freckles. Walks into the hall -
tables, chairs,ceiling, curtains - everything is in
freckles! He sits down at the table and is approached by
the waiter wears freckles and brings soup
(also with freckles). The man ate, paid -
Xia, and asks the waiter:
- What does it mean:
- Admit it - what grade are you looking for?
are you reading?
“Excellent,” said the student.
- Why would that be? - the professor perked up,
anticipating search and confiscation cunningly
hidden cheat sheets.
- You see, I know everything...
- ??!
- ...what I don’t know, I’ll bring it out.
- Oh, yes! Then derive the formula...
uh... Beards.
- The asymptomatics here are quite simple,
- the student immediately began to explain. -
Let's represent Beard as a sum limit
continuous hair growth functions. You can app-
ryori to assert, based on purely physical
WHAT CONSIDERATIONS WHAT THE BEARD'S FUNCTION WILL BE
continuous and limited, although, however,
it is not difficult to carry out a detailed analysis of it
properties. Therefore, it is permissible to
divide two subsequences of functions
hair growth and present the study
function as the sum of their limits. Receive
I mean: Beard = Boron + ode. Let's look at the first one
component. Niels Bohr (isn't it in his honor
is it named?) showed that, in principle, this
function at all points coincides with the function
her forests. As for the second - ode, then
it can be represented as a generalized
functions of the verse: Beard = Bor + ode = forest +
verse B yourqueue, the sum of the last two
functions essentially describes the physical
del Calm, decomposition for which
available in Appendix 2 to the textbook on functions
Kolmogorov's national analysis. Applying
simple algebraic transformations and
keeping in mind the physical meaning of our arguments
the original function, we finally get:
Beard = forest + verse = Calm = Bezve +
3e = -ve + 3e = 3e - ve = e*(3-b), where e -
the base of the natural logarithm, in - co-
hairiness factor. Student chronicle
ka is silent whether the professor succeeded in pro-
contrast these constructions with equivalent ones
counterarguments...
Corpses arrive at the crematorium in order
live queue.
A drunk drowned in the river. The policeman writes:
"The Drowning Act." I thought, crossed it out and
wrote: "Act of Utopia." I thought some more and
wrote: “The act of the body entering the water and not
exit of the body from the water."
"Ik" is a lost "fart".
The fascist officer lined up the prisoners.
- Who are you?
- Teacher.
- Into the firebox! Who are you?
- Painter.
- To the construction site! Who are you?
- Yoga.
- Into the firebox!
- Back to the furnace again?
Convent. In the yard, in a circle, on
nuns ride bicycles, sigh languidly
wailing and screaming. The abbess comes out:
- Sisters, if you continue like this
behave, I'll order you to put them on bicycles
saddles...
- What happens ifcross the elephant and
kangaroo?
- Lots and lots of holes all over Australia.
Private Ivanov's father died. You came
legram in part. The colonel calls the elder
tire and says:
- Listen, this is the case, you tell me somehow-
Be more gentle with Ivanov. Sergeant major
Raises his company and says:
- Whose fathers are alive STEP FORWARD. Ivanov!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING!
Two drug addicts went duck hunting.
We walked all day and didn't catch a single one.
One (deeply):
- Strange. Or birds fly high.
Are we throwing the dog low?
Trees are planted green up.
Teacher:
- Vovochka, paint the windows on the third floor -
Well... In an hour.
- Mary-Vanna, I painted the windows! I want to clarify
thread: do the frames need to be painted?
A symphony orchestra is playing. Conductor
makes the last swing, everyone falls silent,
only a guy on the double bass - Boom, Boom,
Boom, Boom... A minute later I finished too,
wipes his forehead:
- Phew! I barely caught up!..
Husband, guilty:
- I need to buy a new comb:
old tooth broke...
- What, you have nowhere to put your money?!!!
Because of one tooth - a new comb!!!
- But this was the LAST tooth...
A COMPETITION FOR FURNITURE FOR SMALL BARGES HAS ANNOUNCED
vital apartment. 1st place went to a pot with
handle inside.
- If I'm not mistaken, it seems I'll order-
I wanted you to take blood from a patient from number six
chambers? - the doctor says to the nurse.- Yes, doctor, I took it. Its exactly 5.2
liters
A plumber comes on call to the apartment
ru. They take him to the toilet, they say - uni-
the basin is clogged. Well the plumber is looking at
toilet, drops wearily to his knees and
puts his hand into it. Enough - de#$mo! He
him to the side. He goes into the toilet again. Dos-
melts - de#$mo! He puts it aside! Section
the stricken man climbs for the third time. Enough -
de#$mo! Can't stand it. For apartment residents:
- What are you, CPETE here, or what?!!
When you have a hammer in your hands, everything around you seems
with nails.
3 The boys came to the shop for sweets.
Yes, we got in line. The owner asked
no first:
- What do you want?
- 10 blue candies. The owner comes down
into the basement, puts a ladder there, climbs
to the top shelf, takes out a box of blue
lollipops, opens it, pours out ten,
closes the box, pushes it in, puts it away
stairs, climbs out of the basement and closes
him. Then he gives the 1st boy 10 blue le-
Dentsov asks the second:
- What do you want?
- 10 blue candies. The owner is climbing again
to the basement and the procedure is repeated, only
Now he doesn't remove anything. Having serviced the car
horny boy, asks the third:
- Do you also have 10 blue lollipops?
- No. The calmed owner climbs into the under-
shaft, removes everything, pushes everything in, etc. Nako-
he comes back and listens to the boy.
- I have 5 blue lollipops!-Can a woman make a man cute?
Lioner?
- Maybe if he's a billionaire.
- What would a woman look like if she
put it upside down?
- For the piggy bank.
The Armenian radio was silent for 2 hours, and then
says:
- ...The program for the deaf and dumb is over-
on...
- What is super-greed?
- When a person spoils the air under
with a blanket and cover your head.
Pushkin, Ler-
Montov and Mayakovsky; decided to celebrate
A holiday must be shared. After consulting, re-
They said that whoever writes about how much
he will drink that much. Pushkin:
The fish swim along the bottom -
I'll have one glass. Drinks a glass.
Lermontov:
The fish swim on the bottom -
I'll have two drinks. Proudly knocks over
two. Mayakovsky:
You guys are great,
I'll drink the rest.
Our conscience is clear, because... we never told her
didn't use it.
...And Jesus said to them: “Answer who,
you say, am I?" ...And they answered:
"You are the eschatological manifestation of the foundation
of our Being, revealed to us ontological
the foundation of the context of our very essence."
...And Jesus answered them: “What, what?”
- Waiter! Toothpick!
- Busy, sir!
Lord, how much has not yet been done... and
how much remains to be done...
A man with a scythe is walking through the forest and sees
bushes of a little man with big ones
with his eyes, he thinks -alien, na-
That's right, we should come and meet you. Bye-
calls to the scythe and says:
- Scythe, mower, mower... The answer is silence.
He again:
- Scythe, mower, mower... The answer is silence.
He again:
- Scythe, mower, scythe...
And then from the bushes he hears a voice:
- Forest, forester, sru...
In the maternity hospital. A young man emerges from the operating room.
a day nurse and says to the man, I’m waiting -
to the results of his wife's childbirth.
- Congratulations, man! You were born
son with six fists... The man turned pale
and almost fainted. And honey
my sister laughed:
- The fool was deceived by four little fingers!..
The magician called to the arena from the visual
boy's hall:
- Can you, boy, confirm that
see me for the first time?
- Yes, dad.
Training parochially amazed, I
exclaimed:
-Henry?! You?! Can't be!!!
This man's facial features are really
reminiscent of Colonel Bradford, but only
not the one I knew, but the one who
began his military career with the rank of captain
yeru many-Ashutists. The plane is flying from
athletes. Before leaving, the instructor
To calm down the jumper, he asks:
- Are you in a normal mood?
- Normal.
- Jump, aren’t you squeezing eggs?
- It doesn’t press.
- What's your name?
- Seryozha.
- Let's go!
Next.
- Are you in a normal mood?
- Normal.
- Jump, aren’t you squeezing eggs?
-It doesn't press.
- What's your name?
- Ha-a-a-asha-a...
Dumpling is a tender animal...
A (P)man and a (G)girl are going to visit her,
and suddenly, right in front of the house, it began to spin
I’m in my stomach, I just don’t have the strength. They come in
that means, to her apartment.
D: - You sit here, go to the room -
natu, I’ll go to the toilet now and come back.
Well, the guy seems to be uncomfortable in front of her about-
I decided to be patient. Passes into the room
that one, and there such a big dog sits.
He took it, piled it in the room, and thinks that’s it
blame it on the dog, and he went into the kitchen and
sitting.
The girl came out and said: - What are you doing?
are you sitting here?
P: - Yes, there is a Big Dog in the room.
baby, I'm afraid of her.
D: - Why be afraid of her, she’s plush!
There is no need to humanize computers, they are
How they don’t love passion!..
- Student, why do you sleep during lectures!?
- I'm not sleeping, I'm blinking slowly.
The Bear comes to the Hare:
- Hare, listen, let's have fun with the Wolf -
Let's talk.
- Come on, how?
- Yes, you go up to him and ask:
Wolf-Wolf, where is your cap?
- OK.
They are coming. Hare:
- Wolf-Wolf, where is your cap?
- Are you fucking crazy or what? What the hell are you doing
Do you know what I can do with you? From behind
Bear with a sewer cover
ka.
Beats:
- Here's your cap! Well the Wolf lay in
Hospital, released after six months.
comes againBear to Hare:
- Hare, listen, let's have fun with the Wolf -
Let's talk.
- Again, what are you talking about? Gray half a year
Was in the hospital, almost died, lame
all.
- Yes, you go up to him and ask:
Wolf-Wolf, where are your Boots?
- OK.
They are coming. Hare:
- Wolf-Wolf, where are your Boots?
- Have you eaten at all, Hare? Damn, it's fucked up
the scythe came to you. Back Bear with cap
from the sewer hatch:
- Here's your cap!
The only thing that separates a man from a boy is his price
most toys.
Talking ass competition. Spectators -
darkness! As expected - stage, microphone on
appropriate level... A Frenchman comes out,
takes off his pants, turns to the microphone
rear, it is heard:
- Hello!
Ovation, delight.
An Englishman comes out and does the same
The best thing is that the following is heard in the speakers:
- Hello, ladies and gentlemen!
There is no limit to delight.
Russian comes out. Takes off his pants, unfolds
is chilling...
In speakers:
- Kha-kha.
They didn't understand.
- Kha-kha.
Whistling, dissatisfaction.
- Kha-kha. Tulikov - a song about the Motherland!
Reason on earth is a constant quantity, but on-
the village is growing...
The boy asks his father:
- Dad, what is a branch?
- Son, do you remember your potty?
- Yes.
- This pot of yours is a branch of ours.
toilet.
Learning is light, but the unlearned are darkness.
RyBolov boasts to his friends:
- B pastSunday I caught a pike -
that's how my hand is!
- Stop pouring! Such hairy pikes
Doesn't happen!
We are killing time, time is killing us.
A wife came to see her husband in prison on a date.
After 5 minutes he says:
- I have to go, honey, I keep thinking
how hard it is for our dog to sit all day
locked up.
Deti, the most incomprehensible Russian word
there is "sad"! This is not the sadness that
mushrooms, and the one who is melancholy. And not that toss-
ka, which is a fence, and the one that is “sad”.
Attractive women are distracting.
The father noticed something that his son was walking, ma-
It seems he can’t find a place for himself... Well, he
and says to him:
- You get married, otherwise you’re all with friends
you go, there is no permanent girl... And so
when you get married, you will immediately have a family, right away
children, grandchildren. Otherwise you will live alone,
After all, in your old age you won’t even need a glass of water -
it won’t bring... Well, the son was inspired and found
bride, got married, all is well. Appeared
first the children, then the grandchildren, and here he sits,
already old, a crowd of insiders is running around him
kov, shouting, things are taking him away, noise,
not Berikha... So he sits and thinks:
"Mother-mother-mother... And why do I need-
this glass of water..."
Work is not a wolf, but the product of force by
distance.
Talking on the phone:
- Excuse me, where did I end up?
-Where were you aiming???
- Hello! Is this an ambulance?
- Ambulance.
-Come quickly, the woman will be taken away with a roller
pressed.
- Address?
- Lenin Avenue six, seven, in-
seven...
The hunter pours on his friends.
- There was a hunt!!! This is something! Hares -
in herds! We just had time to charge and
shoot, load and shoot, load and
shoot! And then they didn’t even have time to
charged and everyone shot, shot, shot-
whether...
Unbreakable toys are good for...
I would smash others with them.
In a restaurant a gentleman orders one
a portion of whiskey, then another, a third. When
he called the waiter and asked me to braid
using your tongue to bring the fourth portion,
the waiter objected:
- Excuse me, sir, but, in my opinion, you already
enough.
- No, I understand everything perfectly and see-
zhu.
- What do you see?
- I see him coming through the open door.
a cat and she has two eyes.
- Sir, this cat is coming out.
The Gogs have entered the Bathhouse! Let's wash ourselves at the same time...
Two Englishmen show off their fishing
some trophies.
- I caught such a fish that it was not suitable -
was visible in the photograph.
- And I caught such a fish that only it
the photograph weighed two kilograms.
Any creature larger than a field mouse is
Bit when he is scratched behind the ear.
Somehow two sewer trucks meet.
One complains to the other:
- I have one problem: I come
home - my wife is shying away from me, she says,
I smell so bad...
Second: - And you take a pine bath, and the smell
will disappear. They meet next
day.
First: [a little boastfully] - Well, how?
What do I smell like?
Second: [sniffing] - Hmm... You know,
it feels like someone is under the tree
pooped...
There are no perpetual motion machines in the world, but there are
eternal brakes.
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