music: CRAZY mix from: by 'Dream Team' 1993 L1> Our magazine, although literary, is still has something to do with computers. Here's at least something related to this topic. If cars evolved like computers. There is a famous saying by a computer tycoon Bill Gates: “If there were a car developed as quickly as a computer, A Rolls-Royce would cost less than a dollar now ra, but on a liter of Gasoline it would be possible to walk a thousand kilometers." Indeed, with moment of the appearance of computers, their price and cost operation compared to production telility fell in precisely this proportion. Based on this statement, anonymous a comedian on the Internet suggested a comparison: If cars developed like this computers, your car from time to time would stop for no reason on the highway, and to get it started, you have to It would be possible to exit it and enter again. When a new model appears, drivers would have to be retrained, since all controls operate on it differently. After applying newmarking lines I'd have to buy a new one for the trip CAR. The manufacturer would require from each machine noah buy a complete set of road maps, even if you don’t need them, but it would be worth it What a set, like the car itself. All warning lights, warning warnings about overheating of oil, water, battery discharge mulator and other malfunctions, replaced There would be one light bulb with the inscription "GENERAL ERROR applications". When you press the brake, the car I would say: “Do you really want to jam- moss? Yes, no, cancel." To turn off the engine, you would have to click on the "Start" button. "Science and Life" #11 '99 ------------------------------------------ L1> Now it’s just humor. Toilet paper (this is not my masterpiece) PURPOSE, OPERATING CONDITIONS AND TECHNICAL PRODUCT DATA Toilet Paper (art. no. 11315509651), in hereinafter - PRODUCT, intended for removing the remains of the defecation process from outer edge of the anus, adjacent skin areas and local but concentrated in this area body hair (hereinafter referred to as place of use). APPLICATION 1. Read carefullyreal ins- traction. The instructions must be fixed on M6 screws in an easily accessible and good in a lighted place in the line of sight user(s). 2. Place the product roll on a level user's chest in a slightly horizontal position position 3. Perform an act of defecation. 4. Make sure the act is successfully completed and in the absence of urges to continue it (this point is important for saving and rational natural use of the product). 5. Direct forward movement of the right hands down, grab the tip (of the product), and with that sharp movement up and to the right, literally at an angle of 60 degrees to the line horizon, pull the product, unwinding it, so Thus, 700 millimeters of product (for user convenience every 100 millimeter The products are marked with perforations). 6. With multi-directional movements of the hands in the horizontal create a gap in the zontal plane tapes approximately between the two closest mi areas of perforation. Persons Possessing the absence of one of the limbs, the produc- manipulate the product using the remaining hard cutting or chopping instrument (scissors, table knife, straight razor, hatchet for cutting meat). Observe the me- ry precautions set out in accordance with the relevant instructions included with to these products. Note. It is not recommended to produce tearproducts according to perforation areas due to due to the danger of damage and deformation surface layer of fibrous structure product material. 7. Fold a piece of the product into an accordion shape (Bayan), consistently bending it along perforation areas, having received product No. 2 (see Fig. 1). 8. Transfer to the hand most convenient for user. 9. Attach what you received during the previous manipulation of product No. 2 to the place of use and, pressing your hand tightly to the skin cover, perform wiping actions in intergluteal space. 10. Having placed the used product in storage range of vision, in good lighting conditions opportunity to inspect the ma- Check for detection of worm eggs or signs of head lice. In case of detection For such purposes, dial 03 and set to knowledge of relevant medical schools injuries at the place of residence. Otherwise case, repeat steps 4-9 three or four times for. 11. Use a clean, dry hand to check the quality. cleaning (intergluteal space on the touch should be dry, slightly rough, the edges of the anus are well rubbed, the hair is fluffy and easy available for combing). If there is What are the signs of poor-quality wiping? (dirt under nails, sharp specific smell during olfactory control, etc.) perform manipulationsdescribed in paragraph. 4-9, three four more times. PRECAUTIONS 1. Do not smoke near the product. 2. Do not leave a used product in places of culture, recreation and food. 3. Keep away from children. Toilet Paper - no a toy, but a hygiene product! 4. Repeated use is not recommended. product name. ------------------------------------------ Alexey KuBrack Clip. "Hoax". Railway. Perpendicular to it the camera swings, but in such a way that there are no rails visible. There is a forest nearby, birds are singing, silence... Suddenly two locomotives appear, heading towards meet each other in neighboring colonies. On one large portrait of Lenin, on the other - Stalin. Noise, smoke, clatter of wheels, revolutionary new songs... Plays against the background of all this DDT's composition "Musical Image III", and the voice rarely fulfills the word in any way "hoax". And as soon as the last two the carriages leave the frame, the camera rises and shows the way from above. And koliya is OD- ON! April 1999. Episode with a code name Man is a mill - Where is this damn disabled person? - already screaming the truck driver said. - Don't make noise. - said Byva, who came up - ly, “I’m disabled,” and pushed him with my stomach. Driver, fromsurprises, lost the gift speech. For some time he stood in absolute nom tableBnyake. This reminded me of Tserete- Levsky Peter, standing in the middle of the desert no, in a fragile boat, in which one can barely his legs say goodbye, and as if with a silent question - catfish: “Where is the sea?!” But the table is passed, and he tried to somehow respond to such an insult: he began to wave randomly hands and try to say something, but nothing worked for him - instead of human- chesical speech, some kind of shi- singing like a boiling kettle. The “disabled man” once again pushed with his stomach "man-mill", sat in the "disabled" and left. ----------------------------------------- Jokes (old) - How to catch a hare? - You need to stand behind a tree and make a sound carrots... - How to kill bedbugs in a room? - We need to drive them under the closet, and at the closet file the legs. We will always make it under the lying stone! - Doctor, you know, I’m so ashamed to say- I'm sorry, but I farted and I can't hear it! Help me please! - Here are the tablets, take them 3 times a day - those! - Will I hear better? - No, fart louder! The man wanted to eat. He sees it nearby restaurant. He comes in and sees the walls covered in freckles. kah. Undresses, looks - wardrobe and Wardrobe man with freckles. Walks into the hall - tables, chairs,ceiling, curtains - everything is in freckles! He sits down at the table and is approached by the waiter wears freckles and brings soup (also with freckles). The man ate, paid - Xia, and asks the waiter: - What does it mean: - Admit it - what grade are you looking for? are you reading? “Excellent,” said the student. - Why would that be? - the professor perked up, anticipating search and confiscation cunningly hidden cheat sheets. - You see, I know everything... - ??! - ...what I don’t know, I’ll bring it out. - Oh, yes! Then derive the formula... uh... Beards. - The asymptomatics here are quite simple, - the student immediately began to explain. - Let's represent Beard as a sum limit continuous hair growth functions. You can app- ryori to assert, based on purely physical WHAT CONSIDERATIONS WHAT THE BEARD'S FUNCTION WILL BE continuous and limited, although, however, it is not difficult to carry out a detailed analysis of it properties. Therefore, it is permissible to divide two subsequences of functions hair growth and present the study function as the sum of their limits. Receive I mean: Beard = Boron + ode. Let's look at the first one component. Niels Bohr (isn't it in his honor is it named?) showed that, in principle, this function at all points coincides with the function her forests. As for the second - ode, then it can be represented as a generalized functions of the verse: Beard = Bor + ode = forest + verse B yourqueue, the sum of the last two functions essentially describes the physical del Calm, decomposition for which available in Appendix 2 to the textbook on functions Kolmogorov's national analysis. Applying simple algebraic transformations and keeping in mind the physical meaning of our arguments the original function, we finally get: Beard = forest + verse = Calm = Bezve + 3e = -ve + 3e = 3e - ve = e*(3-b), where e - the base of the natural logarithm, in - co- hairiness factor. Student chronicle ka is silent whether the professor succeeded in pro- contrast these constructions with equivalent ones counterarguments... Corpses arrive at the crematorium in order live queue. A drunk drowned in the river. The policeman writes: "The Drowning Act." I thought, crossed it out and wrote: "Act of Utopia." I thought some more and wrote: “The act of the body entering the water and not exit of the body from the water." "Ik" is a lost "fart". The fascist officer lined up the prisoners. - Who are you? - Teacher. - Into the firebox! Who are you? - Painter. - To the construction site! Who are you? - Yoga. - Into the firebox! - Back to the furnace again? Convent. In the yard, in a circle, on nuns ride bicycles, sigh languidly wailing and screaming. The abbess comes out: - Sisters, if you continue like this behave, I'll order you to put them on bicycles saddles... - What happens ifcross the elephant and kangaroo? - Lots and lots of holes all over Australia. Private Ivanov's father died. You came legram in part. The colonel calls the elder tire and says: - Listen, this is the case, you tell me somehow- Be more gentle with Ivanov. Sergeant major Raises his company and says: - Whose fathers are alive STEP FORWARD. Ivanov! WHERE ARE YOU GOING! Two drug addicts went duck hunting. We walked all day and didn't catch a single one. One (deeply): - Strange. Or birds fly high. Are we throwing the dog low? Trees are planted green up. Teacher: - Vovochka, paint the windows on the third floor - Well... In an hour. - Mary-Vanna, I painted the windows! I want to clarify thread: do the frames need to be painted? A symphony orchestra is playing. Conductor makes the last swing, everyone falls silent, only a guy on the double bass - Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom... A minute later I finished too, wipes his forehead: - Phew! I barely caught up!.. Husband, guilty: - I need to buy a new comb: old tooth broke... - What, you have nowhere to put your money?!!! Because of one tooth - a new comb!!! - But this was the LAST tooth... A COMPETITION FOR FURNITURE FOR SMALL BARGES HAS ANNOUNCED vital apartment. 1st place went to a pot with handle inside. - If I'm not mistaken, it seems I'll order- I wanted you to take blood from a patient from number six chambers? - the doctor says to the nurse.- Yes, doctor, I took it. Its exactly 5.2 liters A plumber comes on call to the apartment ru. They take him to the toilet, they say - uni- the basin is clogged. Well the plumber is looking at toilet, drops wearily to his knees and puts his hand into it. Enough - de#$mo! He him to the side. He goes into the toilet again. Dos- melts - de#$mo! He puts it aside! Section the stricken man climbs for the third time. Enough - de#$mo! Can't stand it. For apartment residents: - What are you, CPETE here, or what?!! When you have a hammer in your hands, everything around you seems with nails. 3 The boys came to the shop for sweets. Yes, we got in line. The owner asked no first: - What do you want? - 10 blue candies. The owner comes down into the basement, puts a ladder there, climbs to the top shelf, takes out a box of blue lollipops, opens it, pours out ten, closes the box, pushes it in, puts it away stairs, climbs out of the basement and closes him. Then he gives the 1st boy 10 blue le- Dentsov asks the second: - What do you want? - 10 blue candies. The owner is climbing again to the basement and the procedure is repeated, only Now he doesn't remove anything. Having serviced the car horny boy, asks the third: - Do you also have 10 blue lollipops? - No. The calmed owner climbs into the under- shaft, removes everything, pushes everything in, etc. Nako- he comes back and listens to the boy. - I have 5 blue lollipops!-Can a woman make a man cute? Lioner? - Maybe if he's a billionaire. - What would a woman look like if she put it upside down? - For the piggy bank. The Armenian radio was silent for 2 hours, and then says: - ...The program for the deaf and dumb is over- on... - What is super-greed? - When a person spoils the air under with a blanket and cover your head. Pushkin, Ler- Montov and Mayakovsky; decided to celebrate A holiday must be shared. After consulting, re- They said that whoever writes about how much he will drink that much. Pushkin: The fish swim along the bottom - I'll have one glass. Drinks a glass. Lermontov: The fish swim on the bottom - I'll have two drinks. Proudly knocks over two. Mayakovsky: You guys are great, I'll drink the rest. Our conscience is clear, because... we never told her didn't use it. ...And Jesus said to them: “Answer who, you say, am I?" ...And they answered: "You are the eschatological manifestation of the foundation of our Being, revealed to us ontological the foundation of the context of our very essence." ...And Jesus answered them: “What, what?” - Waiter! Toothpick! - Busy, sir! Lord, how much has not yet been done... and how much remains to be done... A man with a scythe is walking through the forest and sees bushes of a little man with big ones with his eyes, he thinks -alien, na- That's right, we should come and meet you. Bye- calls to the scythe and says: - Scythe, mower, mower... The answer is silence. He again: - Scythe, mower, mower... The answer is silence. He again: - Scythe, mower, scythe... And then from the bushes he hears a voice: - Forest, forester, sru... In the maternity hospital. A young man emerges from the operating room. a day nurse and says to the man, I’m waiting - to the results of his wife's childbirth. - Congratulations, man! You were born son with six fists... The man turned pale and almost fainted. And honey my sister laughed: - The fool was deceived by four little fingers!.. The magician called to the arena from the visual boy's hall: - Can you, boy, confirm that see me for the first time? - Yes, dad. Training parochially amazed, I exclaimed: -Henry?! You?! Can't be!!! This man's facial features are really reminiscent of Colonel Bradford, but only not the one I knew, but the one who began his military career with the rank of captain yeru many-Ashutists. The plane is flying from athletes. Before leaving, the instructor To calm down the jumper, he asks: - Are you in a normal mood? - Normal. - Jump, aren’t you squeezing eggs? - It doesn’t press. - What's your name? - Seryozha. - Let's go! Next. - Are you in a normal mood? - Normal. - Jump, aren’t you squeezing eggs? -It doesn't press. - What's your name? - Ha-a-a-asha-a... Dumpling is a tender animal... A (P)man and a (G)girl are going to visit her, and suddenly, right in front of the house, it began to spin I’m in my stomach, I just don’t have the strength. They come in that means, to her apartment. D: - You sit here, go to the room - natu, I’ll go to the toilet now and come back. Well, the guy seems to be uncomfortable in front of her about- I decided to be patient. Passes into the room that one, and there such a big dog sits. He took it, piled it in the room, and thinks that’s it blame it on the dog, and he went into the kitchen and sitting. The girl came out and said: - What are you doing? are you sitting here? P: - Yes, there is a Big Dog in the room. baby, I'm afraid of her. D: - Why be afraid of her, she’s plush! There is no need to humanize computers, they are How they don’t love passion!.. - Student, why do you sleep during lectures!? - I'm not sleeping, I'm blinking slowly. The Bear comes to the Hare: - Hare, listen, let's have fun with the Wolf - Let's talk. - Come on, how? - Yes, you go up to him and ask: Wolf-Wolf, where is your cap? - OK. They are coming. Hare: - Wolf-Wolf, where is your cap? - Are you fucking crazy or what? What the hell are you doing Do you know what I can do with you? From behind Bear with a sewer cover ka. Beats: - Here's your cap! Well the Wolf lay in Hospital, released after six months. comes againBear to Hare: - Hare, listen, let's have fun with the Wolf - Let's talk. - Again, what are you talking about? Gray half a year Was in the hospital, almost died, lame all. - Yes, you go up to him and ask: Wolf-Wolf, where are your Boots? - OK. They are coming. Hare: - Wolf-Wolf, where are your Boots? - Have you eaten at all, Hare? Damn, it's fucked up the scythe came to you. Back Bear with cap from the sewer hatch: - Here's your cap! The only thing that separates a man from a boy is his price most toys. Talking ass competition. Spectators - darkness! As expected - stage, microphone on appropriate level... A Frenchman comes out, takes off his pants, turns to the microphone rear, it is heard: - Hello! Ovation, delight. An Englishman comes out and does the same The best thing is that the following is heard in the speakers: - Hello, ladies and gentlemen! There is no limit to delight. Russian comes out. Takes off his pants, unfolds is chilling... In speakers: - Kha-kha. They didn't understand. - Kha-kha. Whistling, dissatisfaction. - Kha-kha. Tulikov - a song about the Motherland! Reason on earth is a constant quantity, but on- the village is growing... The boy asks his father: - Dad, what is a branch? - Son, do you remember your potty? - Yes. - This pot of yours is a branch of ours. toilet. Learning is light, but the unlearned are darkness. RyBolov boasts to his friends: - B pastSunday I caught a pike - that's how my hand is! - Stop pouring! Such hairy pikes Doesn't happen! We are killing time, time is killing us. A wife came to see her husband in prison on a date. After 5 minutes he says: - I have to go, honey, I keep thinking how hard it is for our dog to sit all day locked up. Deti, the most incomprehensible Russian word there is "sad"! This is not the sadness that mushrooms, and the one who is melancholy. And not that toss- ka, which is a fence, and the one that is “sad”. Attractive women are distracting. The father noticed something that his son was walking, ma- It seems he can’t find a place for himself... Well, he and says to him: - You get married, otherwise you’re all with friends you go, there is no permanent girl... And so when you get married, you will immediately have a family, right away children, grandchildren. Otherwise you will live alone, After all, in your old age you won’t even need a glass of water - it won’t bring... Well, the son was inspired and found bride, got married, all is well. Appeared first the children, then the grandchildren, and here he sits, already old, a crowd of insiders is running around him kov, shouting, things are taking him away, noise, not Berikha... So he sits and thinks: "Mother-mother-mother... And why do I need- this glass of water..." Work is not a wolf, but the product of force by distance. Talking on the phone: - Excuse me, where did I end up? -Where were you aiming??? - Hello! Is this an ambulance? - Ambulance. -Come quickly, the woman will be taken away with a roller pressed. - Address? - Lenin Avenue six, seven, in- seven... The hunter pours on his friends. - There was a hunt!!! This is something! Hares - in herds! We just had time to charge and shoot, load and shoot, load and shoot! And then they didn’t even have time to charged and everyone shot, shot, shot- whether... Unbreakable toys are good for... I would smash others with them. In a restaurant a gentleman orders one a portion of whiskey, then another, a third. When he called the waiter and asked me to braid using your tongue to bring the fourth portion, the waiter objected: - Excuse me, sir, but, in my opinion, you already enough. - No, I understand everything perfectly and see- zhu. - What do you see? - I see him coming through the open door. a cat and she has two eyes. - Sir, this cat is coming out. The Gogs have entered the Bathhouse! Let's wash ourselves at the same time... Two Englishmen show off their fishing some trophies. - I caught such a fish that it was not suitable - was visible in the photograph. - And I caught such a fish that only it the photograph weighed two kilograms. Any creature larger than a field mouse is Bit when he is scratched behind the ear. Somehow two sewer trucks meet. One complains to the other: - I have one problem: I come home - my wife is shying away from me, she says, I smell so bad... Second: - And you take a pine bath, and the smell will disappear. They meet next day. First: [a little boastfully] - Well, how? What do I smell like? Second: [sniffing] - Hmm... You know, it feels like someone is under the tree pooped... There are no perpetual motion machines in the world, but there are eternal brakes.
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