Humor - About how I got myself a girlfriend.

    About how I got myself a girlfriend.

     First she came. For a visit. Then
I just came.  Then somehow it's late
sat up and spent the night. And then completely
didn't leave.   I stayed.  appeared in the house
flowers and vases. I couldn't smoke anymore
kitchen, because azalea is from tobacco smoke
mournfully folded the leaves and dropped them
petals.  And to see your face in
it was time to shave in the morning, I had to
move the bottle aside and
bottles that filled the once pure
shelf in front of the mirror.   Right here
the surprises began.  Surprise
first.
     She did not accept condoms. I'm with
I don’t feel anything about him.   Tablets
I was afraid.  What are you doing?  It's hormonal!
The old biblical way remained.  But
I should have worried about him. I
tried.   But she was always missing
fifteen seconds.
     The second surprise arose
regularly about once a week. I
I could never be sure who I would meet
me at the door: blonde, brown-haired, redhead
or red. It took me a week to get used to it
to a new suit (which you won’t do for the sake of
beloved), but just then my dear
She decided that this color didn’t suit her either.
What color was she before?
I just came to visit, I don’t remember.
The third surprise.
     She didn’t understand why there was a stove in the house.And really, why?  For her breakfast
An electric kettle is enough.
     Having lost three kilos, I bought her
cookbook, but she tripped over
the phrase “fry the chicken until half cooked”,
because I couldn’t determine when
this half will come. The chicken was burnt.
I ate three lettuce leaves for dinner with
low-fat kefir and the next day
"Children's World" bought "My first
cookbook" for younger girls
school age.
     In the evening dinner was served
mashed potatoes.  With lumps. Then I'm with
hopefully I reached into the refrigerator in hope
find something tasty lying around
since idle times.  By the face of my dear I
I realized that she was ready to give me a kick.
For the sake of peace in the family I had to go to bed
hungry.   I began to dream that
packages with
with the inscription: "Men's food. 10 kg." Bought -
I'm full for a couple of days... The fourth surprise.
     She only remembered about ctupky
then when I'm in the morning before an important
meeting I discovered that all the shirts
has been in the laundry bin for a long time. K
the boss’s displeasure had to be hidden
dirty collar under cbutepom with deaf
bopotom.         Buying a washing machine
The automatic machine did not help.   I had to
count socks and shirts and warn,
when their supplies were running low.
The fifth surprise.Any runny nose sent her to bed
for at least five days.   From
unauthorized touch
a hematoma appeared for two weeks.
The twisted leg demanded that the car be brought forward
to the entrance.   Mandatory monthly
the disease spread over time and
space: I was sick for the first week
the lower back, the second - the chest, the third - the head,
and the fourth - the lower abdomen. Literature on
apomatepanuu and herbal medicine bought in
range second only to
astrology.    Her dentist changed
"nine" on the "Passat", and the gynecologist
I was about to give birth to my second child.
The sixth surprise.
     She knew how and loved to talk. Mine
participation in this process was not required.
The ritual "Good morning" was enough
darling, and I could be free for the day. A
if I couldn't insert it in the evening
“Come to me,” then for the night too.
The seventh surprise.
     She felt the sound of her own voice
not enough.    The radio was singing in the kitchen
“Ultra,” the TV droned in the room, and
bedroom - tape recorder.  And all this was
background music for a two-hour conversation
on the phone with a friend, during which
my happiness migrated around the apartment with
radiotelephone receiver in hands. And don't let me
God change the channel! It turned out
what exactly is this Tampax advertisement?
her husband developed itfriends who served in
advertising agency, and therefore it was her
she has to look again to
tell her your opinion.  And in general she
swallowed television whole. Attempt
change the program at least for the duration of the advertisement
caused her dizziness and migraines
shorter than three days. The eighth surprise.
     My favorite was spreading across
apartment at the speed of a flood. Any
free plane at eye level and above
was forced with figurines and
candlesticks, any table and window sill
decorated with vases and napkins.  Mine
books huddled fearfully in the far corners.
Every chair and armchair was hung
robes and tights.  Sit so that
don’t immediately jump up from the cry “Remember! I
I just stroked it!" I only succeeded in
the only chair in front of the TV. And
it's only because I'm jealous of him
guarded.   And the chair in the kitchen had to
replace with a stool so that it sits on the back
nothing was hanging.  It was possible to
sit down calmly, having herded the cat she
picked it up on the street on the third day of our
life together. Surprise number nine.
     She religiously followed Lenin’s precepts:
"Socialism is accounting." And let socialism
ended, accounting and control were constant.
Why did you come home from work for eight minutes?
later than usual?  Who called you just now?
Who did you call just now?  Where did those go?fifty rubles that I gave you
the day before yesterday for lunch? What was the first thing? A
yesterday you said that pickle... Where are you
did you have lunch? The tenth surprise.
     She was able to lie for hours
in the bathroom. Empty refrigerator and rusty
idleness did not interfere with the vacuum cleaner.
Procter and Gamble dropped us from
list of potential buyers for Comet.
But in terms of consumption of foams, gels, shampoos,
conditioners, balms, creams and
cosmetic cream our apartment with
with the appearance of my sweetheart I easily overtook
a small European country like
Slovenia. The eleventh surprise.
     She constantly dragged me
razors.  Yes, she shaved too
hair, and in places where it is not
would have occurred to no normal person
to a person.  And it didn’t take her ten
minutes, like y me in the morning, and two hours, two
machine and a bottle of special cream, on
who always had enough money.  Between
shaving sessions the hair grew back and
shot up. The twelfth surprise.
     She had a special memory in her mind
device tied every day
calendar for some event, according to her
significant opinion.  Remember the day
Angela and her school friend's brother-in-law,
who lived in the same yard with them, I could not
never.   Well at least I didn’t change her
own birthday.  However, indifferent from the year, that's why I every time
got into trouble.       Surprise
thirteenth.
     She didn't even try to plan our
budget.  I just collected everything every month
money in a pile and spent it in her own way
discretion.   We toured for two weeks
cosmetics and knitwear stores, and
the remaining two weeks ate
mashed potatoes.      Surprise
fourteenth.
     Eight hours after my
declarations of love, amnesia set in,
in eight - depression, in another eight
- hysterical. I needed to remind her
about this at least once a day.  Then
a short unstable remission occurred.
Surprise fifteen.
     They didn't teach her numbers at school. "I'll come
two" could mean a range from
half past twelve until four. A thousand rubles easily
turned around one and a half, and one cake -
no less than three.  Surprise
sixteenth.
     Not everyone taught her words either. She
called pliers tweezers, plungers -
"this thing", confused right and left, and
an attempt to explain over the phone that
the TV broke 



   called y
atelier receptionist light hearted
seizure The last surprise.
     As a rule, we understood each other.
I cannot explain this paradox.

       .... I got myself a man.

     For the first time in my life. Everyone hasmy friends
they were already there, and I somehow got by.
No, of course, I know men in
were at different times, but all of them
existed outside my apartment,
appearing in it only sporadically. But here
one day...

     This morning I went into the toilet and saw that
The toilet seat is up.  So it began
a new era of my life.  Settled in the house
man.  Although at first I thought he didn't
will take root: they are capricious...
     The first thing he said was that since we
decided to live together, then enjoy
using a condom is now simply inhumane.
True, he did not specify in relation to whom.
Three options suggested themselves.  Beloved,
it seemed like he was the only one interested. me
this didn't suit me.  I accused him of
selfishness and carelessness.  He advised
buy a vibrator. I reminded you that we live
in the era of AIDS. He said he's not like that.
I twirled my finger at my temple. He shoved
ties in the suitcase. I smiled wryly. He
slammed the door. I dyed my hair.
     He opened it with his key.
     - I barely made it before the pharmacy closed. Here,
- He held out a thin package. Are you
was she red?..

     So we started living together.
Returning home in the evening, I no longer
I was scared if I saw it in my own windows
light.  And I didn’t talk on the phone anymore
phone: -You are in the wrong place, if someone
spoke his name. Everything else is mine
the pillow smelledhis cologne. Beloved
snored at night, pulled the blanket over himself -
the blanket fell to the floor. Neither for yourself nor for people...
He read Mapuhuhy in the toilet, and then
shouted into the crack:
     - Paper!
     - Tear out the first chapter! And so that I
I didn’t see any more rubbish in the house!..
     And while visiting, he quoted Kant. And
stepped on the cat's tail every day and
I assured him every day that it was an accident. Taught
dared me to navigate by the stars
from my friends house. For some reason he gave it to me
inflatable boat, shy in front of my mother:
     -Svetlana Alekseevna...
     -Svetlana Alexandrovna, - in which
Once my mother frowned.

     He woke me up at night with kisses,
washing himself, he snorted.  Splattered the mirror in
bath toothpaste, in winter he gave me
strawberries In short, he was irresistible. In my
a music center and
dumbbells  Music sounded from morning to evening.
The dumbbells were inactive.  Vacuuming the carpet,
I had to rearrange them every time
from place to place.   Guests constantly
came across them. Neighbor Katya said,
that these pieces of iron spoil the aesthetic appearance
living room. Unable to bear it, I offered to remove
this phallic symbol into the closet.
The beloved was inflamed with righteous anger.
Reminded that a healthy mind can only be found in
healthy body.  And in general, it turns out,
I've already looked for a suitable barbell in
Cnopttobapax.
     -Biceps neededpump...
- he told me confidentially.

     But now I have it at hand
There was always shaving foam. Besides I
could fully participate in conversations
friends on the topic And mine was yesterday:

     a) played computer games until the morning,
     b) lay under the car all day,
     c) ate a week's supply of cutlets,
     d) broke the cup and replaced it
burnt out light bulb,
     d) smoked in the toilet again,
     e) said that TV series are stifling,
     g) I watched boxing all evening,
     h) hid my phone book,
     i) ...a bastard and a bloodsucker.

     In short, cohabitation
being with a man brought a lot of discoveries.
Pleasant and not very pleasant.

     The first discovery: he exists.

     Discovery two: he constantly wanted
yes!
     Coffee and tangerine for breakfast are not for him
arranged.  The hated ones appeared in the house
I primarily use products: butter,
lard, sugar, vodka, pasta.  Rating
mayonnaise skyrocketed.  In women's
magazines I began to pay attention to
culinary recipes.  And the eternal question What
cook for dinner?  tormented me worse
Hamlet's         I was wild. I
I was constantly frying something, cooking it,
rubbed and tried.  I gained three
kilo. The beloved was smart, cheerful and always
ready to eat. When he with the phrase U
Do we have anything tasty to eat?  climbed into
refrigerator five minutes afterlunch,
I wanted to kick him from behind! And
slam the door. I began to dream that
packages with
inscription: ?Men's food. 10 kg?. I bought it and
free day...

     Discovery three: he was hiding his socks.
     I hope it's not from me. What he
I wore them, of course, they weren’t for me
secret.   The light of my eyes will never
wrapped his feet in foot wraps and did not walk
barefoot.           He enjoyed
textile and hosiery benefits of civilization,
but...Coming home from work, the first thing he did was
looked for more secluded places and there, as
Buryndyk stash, hid them,
pre-rolled in shape
compact squiggles. And no suggestions
they couldn't force him to carry these snails
at least to the bathroom. With manic persistence
my man parked his socks under the sofa,
under the chair and seemed to be ready
tear off the baseboards to bury them there
your treasures.

     Discovery four: he was
testament every time he was sick
tooth or a runny nose started.  He moaned and
groaned like a wounded bison. He was choking
the word clinic and called out to my
mercy.  He demanded to finish him off in order to
relieve inhuman suffering.
Holding my hand, he nobly
I advised you to paint it before selling it
old ?Opel?  .  And like a real one
man holding back sobson death
bed, said goodbye to the things dear to his heart:
music CDs, mobile
telephone and the newspaper "Sport Express".

     Fifth discovery: he knew how to remain silent.
     He could sit the whole evening in front of
TV screen and do not drop it when
Not a word about this. Give him free rein - he who knows
two languages and has a higher education,
would limit communication with me to three
phrases: Good morning, dear, What do we have
for dinner, my love?   and Come to me...
To be fair, it should be noted that his
communication with mom or telephone conversations with
friends weren’t particularly distinguished either
eloquence.   And his relationship with
best friends were built on a joint
watching football matches and saying
succinct comments:
     - Pass!   Pass, I said!.. Hy-y
asshole!.. Vit, give me a beer...


     Discovery sixth: knowing how to remain silent, he does not
endured silence.
     I still haven’t figured out this paradox.
Not only does it go to the music center
touched more often than me - he
almost never left
TV, changing channels at speed
light.  From start to finish my favorite
I only watched news and sports
transfers.  The rest of the time he clicked
remote control  The pictures on the TV flashed,
like a creepy kaleidoscope.   I have
my head was spinning.  And God forbid it becomes
on the line between it and the TV.Right there
followed by a sharp diplomatic demarche:
     - Get off the screen!

     Discovery seventh: he zealously
guarded his territory.  His domain
were considered: a place at the table - once and a favorite
chair - two. Even the guests couldn't sit on
his stool in the kitchen. And the poor cat is like a bullet
flew out of the soft chair as soon as he heard
the familiar heavy tread.  I have no boundaries
violated.  Women's intuition prompted
I think it's better not to encroach on the male
throne, his sacred mug and sovereign
slippers.  But you can hide the hated ones
dumbbells  Or even sell them for scrap -
my precious athlete is unlikely to go missing
will notice.

     Opening eight: supervision and control.
     -Who were you talking to?
phone?..Who is this bespectacled guy on
photographs?.. Where were you from four to
five?.. Where did you get these earrings?..
     - With a friend.    My brother. B
hairdressing salon You gave...

     Discovery ninth: I couldn’t do it anymore
lie in a fragrant bath for hours.  My
the ninety-kilogram bunny tried
break into the room.  It's urgent for him
I needed a toothbrush.  It arose
urgent need to inspect already two
month current tap.     Then his
I was wondering if it would fit next to
me and how much water ours will displace
bodies according to Archimedes' law.  It's easy for him
he was bored alone, and he whined underdoor, appealing to my conscience:
     - I suffer from lack of communication!
     But as soon as I left -
the sufferer is immediately satisfied
returned to his chair.
     - Hey, what about Archimedes' law? -
I asked.
     “I’ll take a shower,” the dear one said and
stuck his nose in the newspaper.

     Discovery tenth: he grew
stubble.
     She grew up, of course, before ours,
let's say old-fashioned, cohabitation.   But
my hero used to come on dates
clean shaven, and now I watched him
almost around the clock... I started
peeling skin on the face.

     Discovery eleven: he didn't remember
our holiday dates!!! At all.
     Amnesia. Selective memory lapses.
He remembered the day of the Bastille, the day
technical inspection and personal care day
army, but my date of birth is not
could gain a foothold in any of his
hemispheres.  However, he would have missed even
New Year, if not universal
hype.
     - Aunties with Christmas trees appeared on the streets.
It’s time to buy champagne, he did
thoughtful conclusions.

     Discovery twelfth: he turned out to be
terribly impractical.    He didn't know how
plan our budget.  Leaving for food
brought five bottles of beer, a bag
chips and a glass of ice cream. I was shy
take change.    Couldn't do it in the market
bargain.  I bought everythingsold
His cunning grandmothers.   And one day instead
brought potatoes and roses. I just sighed.
     “I love you,” he said,
holding out flowers.

     Opening twelve and a half: he
loves me...
     In general, life with a man is like
game of chess.  Continuous blitz with no
quite clear rules.
     - That's not how a horse walks.
     - Stupid... What do you think?
is the horse walking?
     - The letter Gy...
     - Let the neighbor use the letter Gy. A
I'll go like this...
     - Since when are these new rules?
     - Since last minute... I said. Go,
beloved...