> epileptic
IN MEMORY NEWSPAPER BLACK METAL
*20*04*
Marie Slip:
EPILEPSY
I came to Thailand, to this pristine
a tropical paradise where tourists from all over the world:
Hindus, Arabs, Jews, Europeans, Americans and,
Of course, Russians are looking for love, where are the streets?
filled with it. Eternal, deep like the ocean,
love. She rocks on the dark waves of happiness
the stinking streets of Bangkok, where from every well
huge cockroaches crawling in and a terrible stench
mixed with the aromas of local spices.
This is where true, divine love stands
pennies. Palm trees surround tramps from all over the world,
stretch their crooked furry paws towards them, like
prostitutes.
During the day in Bangkok the heat is terrible - forty
degrees in the shade, which takes away the last
strength. The white man becomes lethargic, to everything
indifferent zombies. Dripping with sweat, he wanders out of
store to store to buy water,
pushing through the faceless mass of people.
Damn scooters always turn red
light. Noise, din from all sides. Incredible
multi-level interchanges of the central road in the sky, by
which the most modern cars fly. B
skyscrapers reflect clouds and important chickens,
walking the streets.
UnderLocal rivers flow through junctions. Black
slurry through which the corpses of dogs and birds float,
a mess of cans and rags. The water is so thick
it looks like oil. Styx.
Beggars with outstretched, feigned trembling
hands everywhere. I throw them ten baht, and they
they bow and nod in gratitude. Many in
unconsciousness - either alcoholic or
drug intoxication Ts are lying under your
feet. You can step on their hands and faces
They still won’t notice and won’t move.
No one can check whether they are alive or dead.
I want to.
There are children, dogs and other rubbish all around.
Here and there whores walk arm in arm with
fat, red-faced, sweaty white men,
who breathe heavily and strained, like steam locomotives.
Toothless trannies with yellow hair stick to
passers-by. All the whores are looking at my pocket, eh
maybe on my fly. This is where I am, just like
everything, looking for the brightest love, rapidly falling
into the abyss, finishing a bottle of bitter cognac.
Cognac in the heat is wonderful! What happiness is this
fall into the abyss, spitting on everything bright in your
soul, and doomed to give in to vice so that
the damned angels' hair stood on end. For
this activity, there are a lot of bars, eateries,
cafes, clubs and other pleasant places.
I wandered the streets trying to get to the bottom of things
Bangkok. While riding a scooter, I examinedthe outskirts of the city and its miserable
attractions. Fed from altars
Buddhist temples, rolled in the mud and was the most
mud, looking at the clouds in the serene sky,
kissed the feet of passers-by and poured himself endlessly
cheap alcohol.
Until I met her in some bar.
It wasn't difficult, I just walked up and asked:
“How much are you worth?” I learned to distinguish
real women from transvestites and
transsexuals. Those that are more terrible, C
real.
She was dressed vulgarly and flashily, while
completely tasteless, so that everyone can see
her charms, and it fascinated me. I held out
opened the bottle for her, ordered: “Here, drink!” She
She took a sip and didn’t wince. I realized: here,
found it! My princess! Sorry, I don't remember yours
cross-eyed dark face, whitened in vain
cheap chemicals. But I remembered the eyes. For a moment to me
it seemed that I flew into this world on a rainbow,
to light it up. I opened my eyes and the world
sparkled. Like a schizophrenic on the last one
stage, I turned everything into a dream. Taxi C to the carriage,
prostitute C into a princess.
She spoke Russian well: all her clients
Russians. They love this area.
The weather was not great, and the terrible heat increased
hot rain - you can't breathe. You are typing full
lungs of sticky air and disgust
you exhale without receiving a dropoxygen. Everyone
breath - suffering. Muscle spasm. My muscles
they hurt, my bones are tired, I’m a doll on joints. Only
alcohol gives me strength and a huge, deep,
abyss, desire to fall. Fall very low.
Even in the taxi she tried to chat with me in
Russian, still there, on the soft seats, I managed
get tired of her. I really wanted her not to
understood me so that my tongue created a barrier
between us, and she, as in a fairy tale, would turn
into a doll devoid of life. Depersonification. Not
understanding the language, I would not feel her soul, her
movement, her breathing. Just a toy. But she
chatted and chatted, hugging me. Short skirt,
red lips, wide pupils, readiness.
Willingness is not love? And I asked her
about this, and she laughed like a child. Only her
I didn’t know that this is how children laugh, but I,
Seeing a child in her, he began to cry. She was afraid that
did something wrong, but I said that
drunk. This calmed her down. Of course I'm drunk, that's all
explains every movement of my soul. Any
aspiration, even the most insane one.
Already at the hotel I took out a bottle of vodka and offered
to her. She poured the vodka into glasses herself. Splash
the liquid calmed me down. I wanted to drown in
alcohol
I'm no longer a man. I never was, not
aspired to be one. Some guy at the airport
smelled like a man, that tart, sour smell
associated withme with a real man and
caused nausea. The room was quite small, like
laboratory mouse cage, almost complete
he was occupied by the bed. There are red curtains on the windows and
blinds The air conditioner was running noisily. His
the measured noise pressed on my head, I wanted to turn it off,
but without air conditioning you can die from the heat.
In a very small bathroom I found
condom This is how it is done here. You may not find
shampoo, but this drop item will be waiting
you. You can finish it and keep it as a souvenir
about Thailand.
Feeling sentenced to death, I suddenly
asked my princess:
Are you afraid to die?
How funny you are, man from the rainbow! C
she laughed.
I came up with a new business. Hotels of death.
You rent a room, there is a wide window in the room, on the window
flower. Bright red. You open the window and just
you go out through it like through a door. Your death
legal, clerks fill out forms, accountant
counts money, the earth spins. You're dead.
Why a flower?
Aesthetics. You pay for it. To
the last moment to take with you the moon, the curtains,
brown eyes, flower. This is what you pay for.
Understand?
I understand, she nods. C I would like
for such hotels to exist. It seems to me that on
there would be a demand for them. If only someone would dare to create
such a business!
She understood me. It seemed so to me. I
asked her:
Do you need a reason?for death?
Sometimes it's enough to just live long. And this
suddenly gets bored. But if the young one jumps out
windows, then there was still a reason, even if
It seems that everything happened “just like that.”
She looked at me soulfully and
said:
You also can’t stand this bright sun, these
clouds, those voices in your head?
Yes. Unbearably bright sun. I'm tired of him.
It's like I'm an old man. Everything hurts. Every day
torture, every step is torture, every breath is torture.
But if I am able to think about death, does that mean
this is that I have reached the last edge of freedom and
capable of much now?
She shrugged and poured more vodka.
What are you capable of?
I'm almost not afraid of anything. I can send
police officer, I can take off my pants in a shopping mall
center.
Yes, this is freedom.
But I'm afraid.
What?
Suddenly I wake up, the scales fall from my eyes. I
I'll see the light. Like I’ll get better or get sober. And
I will find myself in a very stupid position. Without
pants in the middle of a shopping center. I will
shame.
Scared to become healthy or sober?
Yes. Becoming healthy means losing
freedom.
She thought about it. She took out cigarettes and lit a cigarette.
The smoke makes me sick, I'll be doubly sick
from the taste of nicotine in her saliva. I coughed. She
smiled.
Looking at her wonderful smile, I suddenly realized
that I don’t feel a person in her, I don’t feel in her
emotions. Iand I don’t feel them in myself. I'm like
fell deep into himself. I don't think about it
what will happen tomorrow, but I think about what will happen
in millions of years. I don't think about mine or hers
death, but I think about the death of the sun. I'm no longer
I see trees and I see a forest. All this is formidable
a sign of impending disaster in my soul. I
I'm approaching collapse. She tries to stroke
me, but I feel the robot's touch. I feel
not living skin, but a thing. So that somehow
distracted, I stupidly ask her:
Are you happy?
It's hard to say. Most likely not. to me
it hurts to live.
What could make you happy?
do you know?
She thought about it. If you were asked this
question, the first thing you would think through in your head, C
these are simple human needs. And only
then we would move on to abstractions. So does she
I probably thought about money, sex,
food, apartment and only then about something else.
I know what I need to be happy, C
she smiled.
Wonderful! Let's drink to that! I exclaimed.
We drank more, I deftly threw the glass out the window, and
I suddenly had a wonderful thought.
People live and don't know what can make them
happy. They live and suffer. But if you clearly
you know what can make you happy, you
already happy.
You still have half an hour, she reminded.
In half an hour they will understand me. Half an hour of love.
Will you orNo? My princess asked
directly. I went to the window and sat down on the edge
window sill. Will I or won't I? hung on the wall
painting with a naked woman. I suddenly got out of
pocket marker, went up to her and drew this
woman's tears.
No, my princess shook her head, you
you definitely won't.
“I don’t know how,” T admitted quietly and hesitantly
I.
She laughed. Laughter echoed in the room.
I felt rage awaken within me.
Here you are walking along the corridor, and suddenly someone
starts turning the lights on and off. Sharply and
quickly. Millions of different feelings come over you.
You put your head in your hands and fall to your knees.
What a pain. What a bright light. Turn it off!!!
But someone is playing around, turning thousands on and off
once per second. The pupils narrow.
You didn't take anything?! You can hear her voice
from afar.
Damn voice slows down as if
jammed the tape. I look at her
eyes. She jumps away from me in fright. All mine
the muscles tensed.
Didn't you take anything? Well tell me!
I grab my head with my hands. I fall to the floor.
Unbearable.
Incomprehensibility.
Unbearable.
Incomprehensibility.
Unbearable.
Incomprehensibility.
Enough!!!
She grabs the key, opens the room and goes somewhere
runs. I fall to the floor. Millions of colored sparks
flash in front of me. It hurts so fucking much
it hurts. Everything is annoying, everything is annoying.Unbearable
bright light. Take him away!
I pound my hands on the floor, breaking my knuckles. And in
at this moment it seems to me that I am six-armed
Shiva.
Incomprehensibility.
Unbearable.
Incomprehensibility.
Unbearable.
Incomprehensibility.
I couldn't fall. The evil, the damned see
soulless creatures-angels, I could not fall even into
this stinking city!!! Even in Bangkok, the capital
debauchery.
The whore calls the receptionist, and he calls the police.
While they are driving, I see thousands of people on
rainbows rush into the distant future. Millions
voices are tearing my brain apart. Thousands are open to me
doors to different worlds. And at some point I
I understand that I have reached nirvana. Nothing more for me
no need.
The whore leaned over me, she was crying.
Hot tears are dripping onto my chest. Foam comes from
my mouth. And I see the one who created me. He
shining in her wide open brown eyes, looking
at me with love and a smile. I'm trying
touch him. I pull mine through the veil
trembling, weak hands and muttering something under my breath
nose Like a newborn child reaching out to the sun.
Like a cancer patient who through pain
the dying flesh felt an orgasm. Lord,
this is love! Lord, extend this moment!
Someone's loud voice shouted in Thai:
Put a gag in his mouth! Otherwise he'll bite his tongue off.
Damn epileptic!
Unbearable.
Incomprehensibility.
These words are constantly heard inmy head.
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