ZX Pilot #31 20 февраля 1999

COMICS - a collection of quotations from statements to a variety of goods.

             C O M I C S



(C) Sergius Puzzler


 Long time you, our readers, and

  We, too, not relaxed. Now

     we all gave a

      opportunity. Do not miss out, this is your

       chance to stay alive in the .., excuse me, in

       good spirits until the end of XX

       century. Especially if you

      able to laugh at Sine. Y

     For example, I get even

  write on it. Or do they? But let us
 to the point. This syndrome is
Marasmus guide known for a long
far and many. Even the ancient Greeks and
Romans wrote about it as the most
 terrible and not a curable affliction. A

  about cavemen even mention

     do not have to, because they write and

      do not really know how. Scratched there

       to himself on the rocks of the "harm

       ... "(Could not make out worse

       Chinese characters). And in our not

      simple, this problem was

     even more problematic (well, right

  still some oil oily, yes
 forgive me, reader). Even the
bourgeoisie, there behind the hill, this
abound. If anyone under the
hand (foot) are statements
 our native compilers

  instructions, write to us, in section

     COMICS. In the meantime, imagine

      for your attention and understanding

       also, hopefully, vysskazyvaniya

       foreign producers

       instructions, code

      name ...



   User - the law for the consumer.

   ----------------------------------

   English Journal "NEW SCIENTIST" published a collection of 
submitted by readers quotes from manuals for various products.

From the quotations it is evident that the authors consider 
instruction buyer a complete idiot. Here are a few examples. 


          *


    On manufacturing in the U.S. mirror

    Rear view of a motorcycle napisa
    but: "Remember: items that are visible in

    mirror, in fact, are

    behind you. "


          *


    Simple mechanical car

    Immobilizer Type

    "Rabble" at one end clips
    Camping on the pedal, the other - on the handlebars,

    locked. In large letters on

    metal, reads: "Important:

    exit, clear lock ".


          *


    On a box of sleeping pills:

    "May cause drowsiness."


          *


    On the camera: "It only works

    when a charged film. "


          *


    The manual to electric irons firm

    "Rowenta": "Warning: Never

    use for ironing clothes

    directly on the body! "


          *


    A reader from Sweden bought the electric
    saw. Among other caveats

    in the manual there is: "Do not group
    entirety to stop the cutting chain

    hands. "


          *


    On bags of peanuts, which

    stewardess handed out in the domestic

    flights to China, written in

    three languages: "Open and s'est

    Nuts. "


          *


    Instructions for Japanese electronic

    clock: "To replace the battery,

    Remove the old and insert the new. "


          *


    By the electric company "Moulinex":

    "Warning: This device, after inclusion
    radiation heats up! "


          *


    Recipe on bag of dry grated

    Garlic: To prepare honestly
    chnye toast, take garlic

    powder, a little oil, parsley,

    white loaf. Then mix all

    components, except the stick. "


          *


    The instructions to the air mattress:

    "This product is not s'edob
    nym.


         *** *** *** ***


    For dessert, a little anecdote, which
In my view, sufficiently cool to
laugh heartily.


    - Your condoms are torn! - Ms.
    luetsya young peasant pharmacist.

    - And bending - get stuck standing

    next to the old man.


      Guys savvy "on three."

    - Two or three will take?

    - Take two hours left alone.

      A man turns to the salesgirl:

    - Five vodka, two candy.


      Clinging to the wall of the shed, a goat

    is chosen Doudou drunken farm
    ence.

      Goat:

    - How will milk, because once again on
    ate?

    - Yeah, - meets a milkmaid.

    - Well, - said the goat - hold on

    for udder - I jump.


    - Girl, you could fall in love

    radical?

    - For what, sorry? ..


      Went to two provincial first

    times on double-decker.

    One climbed to the second floor.

    Suddenly down all white, as

    chalk, and cries:

    - Jim, do not go upstairs! There's no

    driver!


      Night ... Taxi driver stops

    old woman and asked her to ride

    cemetery, said that there Pohorje
    Nene her husband. Taxi driver becomes

    scary, he said that he had SRO
    esidual order, slams the door ma
    bus and starts to move. Gathers velocity
    velocity of 20 km / h, looks - an old lady

    runs after him. Gaining 40 ... 60,

    it is not far behind. It becomes more

    worse. He dials 100 km / h, and

    old everything runs and runs for ma
    bus. Finally, the taxi driver did not survive
    It turns out that slow, opening the door and

    asks:

    - Grandma, why do you chase me
    Tes?

    - Sonny, you're being pinched skirt.


    - Dad, what is a "labor of Sisyphus?

    - Oh, boy, do you know when

    you start to shave!


    - Hello! This is a store? You thread

    there?

    - Yes.

    - Harsh?

    - Do not ask. I am to them, even

    I'm afraid to approach.


    - How old is your villain?

    - Fourteen.

    - Yes, an abortion was too late ...


      One woman ever bought

    food for cats. The seller, well

    who knew that it had no to
    shki, asked whom she feeds.

    - Husband, - calmly replied,

    she said.

    - What do you mean! He will die!

      After a while the lady re
    began to buy food for cats.

    - Well, poisoned his wife?

    - What does the food for cats! He

    broke his neck when he tried to lick

    itself ass.


      Disappeared from the pedestal monuments

    Pushkin and Mayakovsky. Things upside

    huddled together - looking for great poets.

    Janitor says:

    - Yes, Che you are looking for them - there they are on

    attics climb, catch the pigeon

    shitting on their heads.


          *


    It is possible to all. Or just all.