Scream #04 30 сентября 2004

Solitude - Kq: "There are several degrees of loneliness in the big cities. First seen on the streets clogged up to the limit, which is not what step to step without preparation it is impossible - there is even a sip of air to be on tiptoes pre-climb "...

Solitude
kq



   The fact is that on that evening I was walking down the 
street, leaving the subway girl. She has three minutes later 
had a date, and is open smile at parting, I wandered into an 
underground passage, to go across the street. Getting dark, and 
St. Petersburg This was his state of some special. Perhaps he

all in any particular state, but in this case - it is generally
was another. I turned the corner and walked along the long,
endless streets. On the road were cars, people on the 
sidewalks, and on the sides - St. Petersburg home. They are 
each special in itself; As far as I know them Germans have 
done, can from this. Occurred a time of day when every minute 
noticeably darker. It happens, get out of the house for half an 
hour, and when you get back - already impenetrable darkness on 
the street is such that in the staircase afraid to enter and 
remain on the street do not want to. 


   And I was in a strange city, not knowing where and not 
knowing why. Constantly looked to the doorway, trying to see 
the seamy side of this life. At the same time I stopped in some 
cafes, also under feet are located. Looked more and more on 
individuals. 


   Do I think at the moment about these people? And certainly 
that, and yes, and not simultaneously. More precisely, I'm not 
entirely been on them concentrated, they are not fully occupied 
my thoughts. I would now said that more than just thinking 
about that girl that I left there, but I'm afraid it's not 
quite come true. It seems that I am eternally so - first event 
to happen in reality, just as it just maybe, I then try to 
remember it in detail, and invariably some later his thoughts 
there begin to weave, seek out those links and thoughts, which 
at that moment hardly dare to think.



   The street seemed to me endless. I thought that if we go
for her entire life, in the end must come to the very
the place from which to start. It was getting darker, and with
those people are thinner on the sidewalks.


   There are several degrees of loneliness in the big cities.
First shown at the scored to limit the streets that do not
what step to step without preparation it is impossible - there
even to take a sip of air necessary to pre-socks
rise, and already there, in the upper layers, seeks out his 
oxygen net. On these streets you walk alone, no one conspicuous 
without single share of attention. It creates the overall 
impression that all around you do not notice, it seems that you 
forgot to exit off his cap of invisibility. At such moments, 
good to go one, think about something for a long time, 
moreover, the abundance people together in order to relax - 
there is confidence in their perfect security. Well, in fact, 
whether someone hurt you when tysch around a hundred people,

and each of them here right now, day in the sun. Then we can
immerse themselves in their thinking. Loneliness
becomes a sort of quiet, peaceful. Everyone goes, and you
going. That is, it turns out that you are going - and around 
the remains old picture, well, because people are too. It turns 
out that you have the feeling is, if you were standing on the 
spot, and nothing about not changes. From this quiet, warmer 
somehow. So it's loneliness - it is some kind of peaceful.



   Although, of course, often happens so that any counter-
man is a nightmare for you. He runs fast, and their eyes
He has such - yell at you, try to hit you in the stomach.
They are still rabid some are. Is a man around
yourself watching your feet moving fast, his little eyes
back and forth jumping, biting look at the people throwing 
seems to be fall in love with you, and all the while, all the 
while your mind is fill, and bear in you something terrible, 
incomprehensible, in darkness. And you go - and everyone seems 
so. Well, the rhythm too. This is especially when against the 
tide falls. Then the person general flash and look at yourself 
a bit from the top: leaves, that the crowd is a surge in 
strong, almost element, tsunamis, and you - the black point 
proverbial tata, to move within the crowd, against her going. 
And you go easy, because the crowd, though it and many She grit 
black did not notice that it seemed to be absent, and because 
you can not stick to wave, and the slide through it, barely 
touching the water. 


   But further. Second loneliness - is when the street was quite
already empty. Be sure at this time will be a night or evening
later, lights will peep through the trees, and themselves on
asphalt bear shadows moving. The wind blows for some reason, and
so cold! You go, happened, at this moment, and always
suddenly realized you're in a place exactly where you are 
surrounded tall, threatening homes. In these twenty stories, 
they almost the whole sky is close. And most importantly, that 
they windows - the darkness! One after another, stretching the 
strips, the light here and there on fire. 


   But yet you are sure for some reason, that in this house at 
all one can not be, that this house is inhabited by only the air

vacuum, vacuum! He becomes a wind, and then includes
turns off the light, he Yuri under the blanket, and at night in 
each one such apartment to the window and looks down there on 
the street, where three lights, and shadows of the trees on the 
pavement, and you're out there walk, lift his head suddenly, 
and you see how at you from the each window are empty eyes 
stare, and all the way, that you go, they follow you follow 
these five thousand eyes. Suddenly flies PPE drawstring bag, 
and then all eyes will look at it, and You quickly run away 
from this house until the head is still intact. (Because 
because it seemed that all those eyes you want to jump into the 
brain, and settle there.) And so here you go from the subway 
station to the his apartment, in which only a once was, and you 
do not know More precisely, how to get there. And the streets 
are empty at all, only the wind there boss, a couple with the 
darkness. What then to think possible? But only about how to 
make haste thee to the house reach, as though in less 
noticeable in the black alley sneak. And of course, if you 
suddenly of a man met - then it becomes a lightning bolt for 
you, you're from it does not know what to expect. You walk 
only, and you think: That would be me now no one met at that 
angle! .. But it will be there Someone, surely there is someone 
will! And then what? 


   And then - the other, the most unusual solitude. It
occurs in precisely this in the evening, as it is today, when I 
go on endless street in St. Petersburg, and when the evening, 
and with such namely, that every minute you take notice, as it 
becomes darker. 


   You start you from the center almost from any such street
lively, for example, where the subway station, and from thick
People poured out streams. Svernesh somewhere out there, and go 
on street. Go - but not completely clear to her, and the people 
ahead of you, and back too, and on the sides. But they are 
certainly not as much as the most central street of the day. 
That is, many of them, but only first, and only as long as you 
you pay attention to them. Then you going, the sky above you, 
around the old house, they are gray, and strange all, it is 
unclear who live in them can? It seems that there still are 
people from some very old's, it's such an apartment, in which 
time stops. And living there is any family that has

remembers revolution, and yet they are there too old, a hundred 
years, the hundred and fifty. The main thing is that the 
children they are the same reason, very old. They have wrinkles 
- everywhere! Well, like, everywhere? That is generally 
everywhere! On the lips, even on the nose, forehead - in 
general a fan! AND at first it seems that wrinkles do not only 
on the eyes, but then you look closely and you realize that in 
these eyes generally MUCH wrinkles, as you have never in my 
life have I seen! In the eyes of these can not be longer than a 
second look, they are forced to look to withdraw hastily. 
Although somehow attract the same time, hypnotize.



   And you go, and on the sides of homes with people here. Head
so lift, into the first window to look - and there
family comes, all, in this one window, five people, all 
different, but the same was wrinkled, and with here eyes. Then 
another crawls out the window - and there is the same, people 
are standing, about ten people, all crowded at the window, even 
the wrinkles on his heels with them. Then another window, and 
another, and then as you look into the distance - and there all 
of these homes infinity, and the windows - too infinity! 
Infinity! 


   Then, staring at his feet and walking. Eyes in the asphalt
hid. Steps only - one after another, one after another. Then
suddenly raised his eyes - and some people around on the 
street, almost not left! Them because it was a man five 
hundred, probably now less than half! That is, there you go 
until you're at home looking in windows, then the asphalt - but 
this time, people-all evaporated! It seems that they were all 
from a black, because that more of them evaporates, the more 
the air of darkness becomes, the more the night begins to 
smell. And you are so - looked up and saw the sky, then lowered 
it and see - people in half the cost. Here it is, just next to 
the you walked over there and yet, a woman with an 
umbrella-cane, and on the other side of the street were two 
girls in blue jeans, because they all were! Were - and suddenly 
they're gone. And if they're gone, then why suddenly and you do 
not disappear? Where do can then be sure that you yourself, 
here's someone's head lift, and then omitted, and hop! - You 
have not! Disappeared, as well as all they filled the air with 
his black, brushstroke in the picture of the night the sky was!



   Then you quickly runs into some cafes, and
looking at the counters. But are you talking about because you 
think? Do you think about a girl he had left there, the subway, 
which at the date going, and whose eyes are well transparent, 
that through them all You see the beauty of her soul, so it is 
bright colors written, and so they attract you, that you are 
ready to be on them year to watch, never ceasing!


   And then you sit at home, outside the night, listening to 
AUBE, and think, and what she is doing there now? And you know 
that each your thoughts and contained a small piece of thinking 
about it too, that is, that's when you're talking about at home 
thinking and writing - that you at the same time, still, think 
about it in her eyes did not look separation.