Think #37 28 августа 1999

Юмор

Humor from the network - Humor.

               HUMOR FROM THE NETWORKS



Crawls to psihology people.
- So, who is y we, bug, yasherka,

  Snake?
- No doctor, I am afraid of heights.


"Spring and Autumn - a bad time for the
to make important public
solutions. Too many batty ... "

                              Yuri Luzhkov.

On time and on ... yourself?
"Politics, I believe, to the last
days does not believe that it is not like people. "

                              Yuri Luzhkov.
The House of the madhouse. The patients all lie under the beds 
and potter with springs. Inspector:

- What happened to them? Who are they?
Doctor:
- It's all the former owners of cars.

The woman was driving the car and heard
as under the wheels of something blurted out. Coming out
car, she found some round piece of metal. Put her in the trunk 
and came home, showed her husband:

- Look, it's fallen off the car. That
something scary?
- Since the machine is nothing but the cover from the hatch
will have to return to the place.


Our Correspondent reports:
In one of the garages charge akkomulyatory by the method of 
Allan Chumak - spells. 

More recently, scientist oceanographer revealed an amazing 
sight - sawfish ... As it turned out, she was an alcoholic. 


As the Internet develops e-commerce. Recently opened a virtual 
network with hotel.

So it can neither live nor sleep, nor
there are, money will take for entry and exit.


Optician teaches a new employee set a price to the client:
- If at the time, when you pick him
glasses, he asked how much they cost, Prove: "Seventy-five 
dollars." If it is at This is not an eye margnet, say: "This is 
for frame. Glass will cost fifty dollars. "If his opinion is 
still cool, add: "Each."

The patient - the waitress:
- Why should I fork and knife is made?
- Do you, the patient, the table diet, acute
you are not supposed to.


- Isaak Naumovich, I was told that you
Every morning before work you go to synagogue and pray that I 
have raised salary.

- Yes. But now you can, Mr.
Director.
- Can it is possible, but I do not like it when
through my head turn to the higher
instance.


The program "Present" on the radio "Europe
Plus: And now for seaman's long voyage of Michael at the 
request of his wife prozvychit popylyarnaya song "In our house 
lodged wonderful neighbor ... "



- Hello, I am to you from the synagogue ...
- So you that a Jew?
- Zachem evrey, pachemu evrey? Bu Gogi
znaete? So I'm on his Sin.


In the director's office is his young
seksopilnaya secretary.
- Chef, I have good news today: 2
and bad. With what to begin with?
- Come with a good one.
- You are not infertile, cer.


In the conservatory. Professor:
- In your home work on the composition
solid fortissimo, as in 9 of Beethoven's symphonies.
- So from what Beethoven was deaf!

The young, talented pianist came to sign up for radio studio. 
But the thing! The more plays, the worse it turns out. AND

on - worse ... Time is 12 o'clock at night. For
monocle sits a sad statement ... Coffee
over, no cigarettes, his wife three times called, promised to 
drive out of the house. Tired of it all is. It includes a 
microphone in the studio and said:

- Listen, man! Well, all good! Well,
not obtained. But you at least a range of play
can you?
- Gamma! No problem!
- Play, and then I shall cut!


- I do not know what to buy her daughter - violin or
piano?
- Of course, the violin! In the end, when
dochkinoy of music you will be unbearable,
it can be broken to pieces, not the
that piano.


  Dream of one day Herzen sleep. If
He emigrated to London and live for him there
very well. If he bought a dog very angry
bulldog breed. Before the feisty dog ​​-
no strength: who will see to that and rushes.
And if reached, grabbed the dead
grip - everything you can to escape, ordered
requiem. And suddenly, as if he was not in London, and Moscow, 
is the Tversky boulevard, the monster keeps her on a leash, and 
meet (:-E) Leo Tolstoy ... And it must be same here the most 
interesting part came Decembrists and was awakened!



Lena Zosimova meets Ivan Demidov:
- You know, Vanya, I vypystila new clip, and
srazy sharply yvelichilis sales of televisions ...
- Ugy ... I also sold my ...


Known such advertising on TV about the Hershey-Cola, a teacher 
of algebra and Vovochku Sidorova: Teacher:

- And now the results of test on algebra.

           Ivanov, TWO!

           Petrov, TWO!

           Sidorov ... SIDOROV!
Vovochka broke away from the player and from Hershey
began to dance their dance. Here are stretched
arm forward with bytylyu Hershey:
- Hershey-Cola! The taste of victory!
A teacher blatantly so:
- Ha ... TWO!


- Her husband also helps me sometimes, for example,
Today, he tore a piece of the calendar.



A history lesson in the Estonian school. Teacher:
- Edward, which symbolizes the black color on
our flag?
(Edward a studied, both on rebounds of teeth) - Black color on 
our flag symbolizes the land of Estonia, which Russian 200 
years of trash by his presence. - Good for you, Edward. Aina, 
which symbolizes the blue on our flag? (Aina a studied, both on 
rebounds of teeth) - The blue color on our flag symbolizes

water spaces in Estonia, which Russian
200 years of trash by his presence.
- Good for you, Ina. Vovochka, and that symbolizes the white 
color on our flag? (Vovochka tsedya through clenched teeth) - 
White on YOUR flag symbolizes the endless snow

Siberia, that you by his presence will pollute more than 200 
years. 

Tank being driven in the box, the driver and a sergeant.
Sgt outside and teams:
- Yes! To the left! Right! To the left! Right! Right!
To the left! To the left! To the left! Left !!!!....

  Well, now climbs and see what you
done !!!!!!!!!!!


HP goes on the Mercedes suddenly runs across the road, a boy. 
Mercedes wags in side, crashed into a pole. Machine in the 
flat. From the remnants of the machine velezaet HP hefty, all 
in chains, rings, goes to the boy: - That you're here you run?

- Th-th-th-yayayayayaya-ah-ah-ah-ah ...
- Listen, bratella, great run! Drove for a beer, do not break 
off! 

The snake crawls out from a field of cannabis, and says:
- Meow-Meow ... no, not that ... bow-wow ... no,
Neto again ... sh-sh-sh ... oops, in kind, sh-sh-sh ...

U6mer Bill Gates and ended up in Paradise.
God he asks:
- What did you do good on earth, my son?
BG replies:
- Well, firstly, I'm not your son, and,
Second, Come Get Down FAST With my chair!


The Moscow Metro. Arrived at the station
the next train. "Station Square
Revolution, the transition to the station "Theatre." Suddenly, 
the cab driver breaks heavily armed bandit:


- A well whip up in New York is alive!
- But listen, it's a train, not plane.
- Do not you understand?
"Watch the closing doors. Next
station "Brooklyn Bridge"


Crocodile Gena and Cheburashka climbed at night
shop. In the darkness take that arm
get. Cheburashka suddenly whispered:
- Gene, I found the boots barren. Take?
- Bury.
- And they refuse ...
- Well, shake it.
- I can not, it keeps my ears ...


Standing on the roadside drug with cassette
and, hopping, catching a wheelbarrow. Stopped a taxi, he leans 
to the window: - Chef! Free?

- Yeah.
- Well Duc out - dance!


At Peron to the man, who from under the nose
left the train approaches the other and says:
- What, has missed the train, then?
- Do not miss this - scared.

Three of the soul found in the other world, it turns out that 
all vnovpribyvshie. Ask first, as they say, are you here? "

- Di I do not know, did not understand istcho. I was
ordinary Soviet thief climbed to one in
apartment, gathered barahlishko, about to leave - and then, you 
know, eat itch. Well, I opened the fridge, just crawled in 
there - and suddenly the door slammed shut behind me, and then 
a blow - and here, I'm here. Another asked that:

- I was just a Soviet engineer. Once back home, I looked - some
snake crawls into my refrigerator. Well, I slammed the door 
behind him, and threw the fridge out the window. Then, I think 
- it would be necessary see what there is. Downstairs,

went out - and then I was hit by a car.
Third.
- Well, I was just a Soviet motorists. Food one day, I saw - a 
goat from the entrance right on the street runs. I

picked up, and moved it so as not to meltishil. And suddenly on 
top of me dropped a refrigerator. 


Springtime For zalitomy sun goes myzhik field,
radyetsya young green grass, yarkomy
solnyshky. And there is seen a young
birch grove. Myzhik coming to the grove and
see: the syky, clutching zybami hangs
little girl in a light summer dress. Myzhik ydivlenno asks:
- Girl, what are you doing?
Girl through zyby:
- Ssok drink.


Ad in the newspaper: "Hereditary alcoholic in the third 
generation quickly and painlessly remove any coding" 


Sitting at the table family. Eat. Falls from
table fork. The father leans over the last
time catches it above the floor. All sigh with relief: "Guests 
will not be ....". At this point, the flat runs Jr.

son and shouted: "Tattoo, tattoos, there grandmother
elevator stuck "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"Those people I know with whom I worked,
They all went to school VTB, and if
even someone out there someone podstukival, then
It was basically how I feel
more work is purely incidental than fundamental. "Gerashchenko.


Due to the increase in gasoline prices the Russian government 
announced a rise in price travel in the metro.


The driver only one law, all the rest - a state inspector.


Comes as something Putin to Yeltsin and said:
- Boris Nikolayevich, you may be immodest
question to ask? How long have you had prime ministers before 
me? ". Yeltsin did not say anything .. Two hours later, again

Putin comes to the President:
- Boris Nikolayevich! You have to hurt me
for that matter, right?
- S ... No, pAnimaeshsh ... I still believe! ..


Masha playing with dolls, but with Borenka
premiers.


What happens when you cross Bill Clinton and
ram? BLEEEEER!
Teacher:
- How old were you at your last
birthday?
Vovochka:
- Seven
Teacher:
- And how many years you will be in your Next>
birthday?
Vovochka:
- Nine!
Teacher:
- Sit down! Two of you for the wrong answer!
Vovochka:
- And here and there. I have a birthday today!


In the dining room:
- Who's on duty?
- I, Comrade Colonel!
- Why not put a bay leaf in the soup?
- Do not guzzle, Comrade Colonel.
- Here's a cure, takes 3 teaspoons
spoon 2 times a day.
- But my home is only 2 teaspoons.


The beggar turns to a passerby:
- Bring something to the author of the book "A Thousand
ways to get rich. "
- You are the author of such books? - Amazed
passer .- Why then do you beg?
- And this - one way.


One candidate gave a series of speeches
before the voters. The first performance took him 5 minutes. 
The second 45 minutes, and third and a half hours. When asked in

What's the matter, he replied:
- The first time I had terrible toothache.
The second time I spoke with the new denture, and the third 
time I make a mistake pinned jaw wife.


A university professor, distinguished by large scattering, met 
once on street with one of his friends and says

him:
- I ask you tomorrow to dinner by the way,
and Dr. Bormental will.
Each professor could not hide a smile:
- But, Professor, because I have a doctor Bormental!
- It does not matter anyway I ask you, come.


The natives caught the peasant, already tied nA
spit, but ask how that name.
- What is your sex difference? Still
after you eat.
- What kind? A menu that writing?


Crew wishes you a pleasant flight and
goodbye to you.

 General comes to the arsenal, and sees that
guard is casually leaning on his rifle and drew on him the 
slightest attention.

- Yes you know who I am? - Menacingly asks
General!

  Sentry lazily turns his head and
screaming inside the room.
- Sergeant, there was some
old man, forgetting is who he is.


 The soldier, pretty exhausting, barely dobrel
to the barracks and went down there in the cesspool.
Him out of there with great difficulty dragged and
resulted in a sense.
- Well, you're good! On what is the depth you
fail?
- Foot!
- And what you yourself could not get out?
- And I fell head first!


  We have a remarkable echo of recent slip
was - "we will fight the buff"


 A man has sex organs in one place, and
woman are scattered throughout the body.


"Cigarettes - a terrible drug. It is much more harmful than 
marijuana. For Marijuana people at three o'clock in the warm 
flats did not come out. And because of the cigarette run to

Anything "


Lena Zosimova meets Ivan Demidov:
- You know, Vanya, I vypystila new clip, and
srazy sharply yvelichilis sales of televisions ...
- Ugy ... I also sold my ...


Two men met in the next world.
- Why you died?
- Frozen. And you?
- And I'm laughing.
- Tell us!
- Was I somehow have his mistress. Suddenly
The doorbell - the husband came.
She opened the door and handed him a trash
bucket. While her husband hated it, I calmly
got dressed and left. When I got home, my wife
opens it and puts the trash. I understand everything, broke, 
looking-looking, well, all pererylnet nowhere. Then I sat on 
the couch and let laugh. Laughed, laughed and died.

- Fool, looked to the refrigerator - both
would have been alive.


- No, no, sir, to buy arsenic, need a prescription. One photo 
of your mother in law enough.


Comes to an Indian chief and says:
- Can I change my name to the European
John or Michael?
- And why you do not like our names? Falcon, Quick deer?
- No. I like.
- So podumy squinted thoughtfully.


Little Izzy returns home from school,
and parents found in his diary Note to teacher: "Izzy smells 
bad. Izyu to wash. "The next day

teacher reads a diary Easy answer
parents: "Izyu not need to sniff. Izyu need
to teach. "


- Patient, wake up! Take a sleeping pill!


Called the king of Russian, Polish and German and
said:
- Bring your favorite flower.
Russian brought a daisy, a Pole - a rose, and
German lingered. The king said:
- Now, eat your favorite flower.
Russian eaten - nothing eats Pole - crying
and laughs. Polish king asks:
- Why are you crying?
- It hurts.
- And what are you laughing at?
- And there's a German cactus drags.


Husband to his wife: "You reproach me every day,
I drink. But you did not say even a word, when I handed the 
bottle you bought coat! "



The patient needs care physician. And the
on leave, the better.

The doctor asks the patient:
- How do you help the medicine?
- Fine. Son is cured of cough in
my thanks to him, stopped hurting back,
and the remainder of his wife washed the windows.


- In this house once lived a chemist. He
constantly experimenting and just
this room.
- Ah! Likely a spot on the ceiling - it
result of his experiments?
- No, it is itself a chemist.


The bus packed with passengers. One
A man stands on the steps and said:
- "Comrades, make room and then go to their heads!
Bald man spat on his hand and held his
on his bald head:
- I hope you slipped!

The husband returns home, his wife does not know where to hide 
her lover. At the last moment she guesses put it in the kitchen

the form of an antique statue.
 - What is it? - Asks the husband.
 - I have seen and Petrovs also bought. Now it is in vogue!
 We went to bed at night my husband got up, went to
the kitchen to make tea, sandwiches and offered "the statue."
 - Is there something you want?
 - Aha ...
 - Bury. I've stood yesterday Petrovs -
so at least to some bastard entertained!



          But in our house gas!

          Do you?

          And we have - a microphone!

          In the he!

               Rhymes

After a hearty lunch, Mowgli and Bagheera lay
relax in the shade of a huge tree. Suddenly
Bagheera and says: "Is not it time you
Mowgli become a real man!? "After
natural question, "How to do it?"
Bagheera beckoned him into a dark cave. ...
After half an hour from the cave came dovolnotaki crumpled, 
smiling Bagheera, and melted into the jungle in search of 
dinner. Mowgli went out with a thoughtful expression on his 
face, scratched his head and said: "I thought,

that this thing can only be loosened soil
da chop nuts! "


- I am going once in a car without a license, and suddenly
a policeman stopped me. Looked
that the wheel is also a policeman seated, and let me go with 
God. - So what are you, a policeman?

- No, in my car mirror glass.

007 convinced that there is no surveillance and
dived into the station toilet. He pulled out
pocket note-spyware task and
memorized the text. Then he tore it
into small pieces and threw them down the toilet and
flushed ... But here in horror
recoiled: from the toilet on it looked smart, insightful, a 
little tired eyes Major Pronin.




Khrushchev at a banquet in India. Beside him sits a charming 
half-naked Indian dancer. Khrushchev was under the table, 
stroking her knee. Dancer leans to him and

whispers:
- Comrade Khrushchev, rise above - not
me in the face! Report to the KGB Major Pronin.


The wife sends her husband out of holiday in the south telegram:
- And still you're the best!


A taxi driver drives up the woman to her house and stopped.
- You know, I have no money to
pay - she says sheepishly.
Taxi driver silently unfolds and takes a woman to the woods. 
Gets out and spreads a blanket. - You that, as you can, I have 
the same two children! - Terrified woman.

- And I have forty rabbits. Tear the grass, come on, and put 
them here! 


"Moscow - the region best. We're going
forward and carrots, and eggs, and
missiles. "
"And the milk is gone, and poultry up to six times
matter, and light-textile at the forty-
percent went "

Christmas. Policeman stands guard, machine
do not ride, but today he is not someone not shturmanul, Well, 
I think, "Now someone will see turf, so that simple ... "There 
goes six hundred," Well now, is on full. " Stops, open windows 
in a car with four guns: - You What?

- I just wanted to pokolyadovat.

The day before, in person and Stepashin
Primakov decided to organize a party of former Prime Ministers. 
On the question correspondents on the prospects of expansion

the newly created party Stepashin answered
that the presidential elections, this party could be one of the 
most numerous and influential parties in Russia.

There are two new Russian. One on
Fishing, another is already out with a trunk full of fish.
- Bro! Well, you're in kind, cool! How do you
so caught? E-me!
- Dude, it's elementary ... You take one in each hand, five 
fishing rods ... rastopyrivaesh fingers and throw ...

- Brake! A bait to plant ...
- Bro, take on the bluff.


Never trust skandisky, etc. Veby and
Billy Geytsy.

HP collapses to the director of one firm to
work. Everything as it should be - a cell phone, crimson 
jacket. Director not to place. The secretary said:

- You telefonchik leave, he'll call.
- You're Th, stupid, stunned, trumpet five hundred
tanks worth it!

There is a new Russian near luxury brand new 4-storey mansion. 
Rubs pood fists tears on her cheeks, the neck

Versace scarf blowing his nose. Rides
New Russian:
- Are you are you crying, what taxes again under pressure?
- Not-s ... Here's an orphan house built,
presentation tomorrow.
- Well, the same orphanage, charity prestige polzitelna that 
killing something?. - It is so, how did I'll be in a sort of 
domische live-and-orphans inushka. 


There are two new Russian. One says:
- Count up, bro, right now, it became fashionable to healthy 
animals at home to keep! Other answers:

- Left behind you, bro. I myself have long elephant
bought.
- Oh, cool! And how?
- Yes, all right, just one problem: he
When the morning wakes up and runs the water pittopaet so that 
everything shakes. - And Th neighbors yell?

- Yes, th% 'pod with them with your neighbors. He wakes up the 
hippo! 


America. Last century. In glysh had iron dorogy. In the mayor's 
office and comes Injun says that he wants to change the name.

- What name would you like to polychit? - Big Iron Mystang with 
huge Trybkoy, Jumpy on the Prairie, who is puffing and Tarahtit.

- Wow! And as bydet zvychat in Indian?
- Yay-y-y-y!


Drank in the morning - and the whole day free.
Brevity - the sister of talent and tescha fee.


Judged small dragon.
Prosecutor:
- You acknowledge that ate his grandmother and
Grandpa!
- I admit ...
- You acknowledge that ate his father and mother?
- I admit ...
Prosecutor - a voice like thunder thundering
Thunder:
- So who are you then?
Dragon - almost in tears:
- Sirotinushka ...


- What is life?
- The game ... Wrote on his screen Tamagotchi
and died.

A guy goes into a bar and sits down.
- Bartender, 10 glasses of vodka!
The bartender puts in front of him 10 cups.
He drinks.
- Barman, 5 glasses of vodka.
The bartender puts-man drink.
- Barman, 1 glass of vodka!
The bartender puts-man drinks it and falls. C
sex says: "How strange! less peshtem worse!"


Grandma is on the field, he suddenly comes out of the woods
man all dirty, unshaven and with a gun:
- My grandmother, the Germans in the village have?
- God bless you, son, war is something for forty
years, has ended.
-!? E mine, and I still train derailed
shoot.



A man rings the doorbell. He opens a small boy. A man asked him:
- Where's your mom?
- She moved dumper.
- What a calamity. Well, where's your daddy?
- He also moved dumper.
- What a pity! Well, where is your grandmother?
- It also moved dumper.
- Well Grandpa you like to eat.
- He also moved dumper.
- Well, what are you doing home alone?
- The dump truck ride.


Grandson asked his grandfather:
- Grandpa and this is your hand in the war torn off?
- Yeah.
- And how it happened.
- But when the draft board was dragged.



One day Rabbit (from Winnie the Pooh ") came and asked:
- What do you think about Boris Nikolayevich
Yeltsin?
- Boris Yeltsin - answered
Rabbit - literate strategies and optimal
choosing the path of development of Russia, which has shown 
itself perfectly to the selection and placement of qualified 
executives to key positions in the country, and who knows how 
to time dismiss them.

A rabbit that thought actually, so
Nobody knew - because he was
very educated ...


- Dad, why did you marry my mother?
- Look, - the father turns to his wife -
even a child does not understand this!


New Russian wakes from spohmelya
tone phone. Picks up the receiver and hears
"C you said Investigator Economic Crimes against
you have opened a criminal case and I shall expect you
to 14.00 in the department of "just hung up
, The next call .. Calling his wife: "I fell in love with Vasya 
and go to him as well as you and house and cottage and Mercedes 
wrote to me, I all takin and ciao "After that, another call

Lawyer calls "tax police arrested
bank account, and because of this contract is frustrated
with suppliers, and to pay fines and
attendants are no "last call" Your Cell
disconnected for non payment of the "thinking man thinking
so decided to come hang themselves ... Already
climbed on a chair, slipped the noose around his neck looking
half a bottle of vodka worth in a cupboard, well thought
do not leave yet ...
Dostal drank from the bottle, sat down and thought
then says "Smotrika and life is getting better!"

Three students sit-friend in a street cafe
after the date of the session (in the corresponding states) .. 
Watching for incoming / outgoing inside, approximately 
pohlebyvayut beer. Here went two visitors, and, three minutes

came out three.
The first student was a physicist and said:
- Initial measurements were inaccurate.
Second, being a biologist, explained as follows:
- It is human nature to reproduce.
The third - a mathematician - expressed his philosophy:
- If you go down in a cafe one person out there
will be empty.


- I yesterday Manko of the fifth workshop in the restaurant 
went. Squandered five million. - Yes you are mad crazy!

- Oh no! She simply was no more.


- Allo? Etto sixth shop? (Strong Baltic accent, all the 
consonants are jammed, extremely calm, unemotional speech)

- Yes.
- Kakkaya the FAS sefotnya fyrapotka? (Expressed
  ment of)
- (Cheerfully) gave 120%!
- Ah, karashsho, oshshen karashsho ... (Rebound)
- Hello? Etto setmoy shop?
- Yes, I listen.
- A kakkaya the FAS sefotnya fyrabotka?
- 110% gave!
- Ah, lattno, lattno, karashsho ... (hang up)
- Hello? Etto fosmoy shop?
- Yes.
- A kakkaya the FAS sefotnya fyrapotka?
- 82% ...
- Ta? Etto poshshemu above so Mallo?
- Yes, you know, something like this happened ...

  (Embarrassed pause)
- Plokho, plokho ... Well INTO sh ... Pritetttsa

  apply Ipatyevsky mettot ...
- It's like this?
- Well, how ... IpAt putti ...


In Rzhevsky birthday. Natasha Rostov
informs him that she has a gift for him. Stripped naked, and 
she can only bow to the very spicy place. Lieutenant Rzhevskii, 
rolling his sleeve: - So far it's there?



James left the recruiting office with a summons in hand. He was 
met by friend. - I want to congratulate you, James. This is the 
happiest day of your life. - Why? So I am not in the army! To 
send in the army, I should arrive here tomorrow. - That's why I 
say that today your happiest day.


Officer to recruit volunteers for the army
rejoiced when he saw a young man entering his office.
- I read your poster with a call to join the army - said the 
young man. - Very good! Hence, we decided to become a volunteer?

- No.
- No? Why did you then come to us?
- I would say that you are on me
expected.


Is a drafting committee. Two twin
undergo medical examination. First out of the cabinet, the 
second asks: - Well that idea?

- No, the transfer to the reserve.
- Take over me again, and then undress
do not want to. A few minutes later he comes out and says:
- You have taken.


In the hospital mixed up the children's Italian,
Russian, Estonian and German women. Began to understand: first 
Italian - went to the children and began to reel in appetizing 
spaghetti a fork. Lo and behold - one child handle pulls. The 
mother takes it. Next turn Germans:

- Heil Hitler!
Watching one too responded. Picks
son. Further, Russian approach and, not words
not to mention, takes one of the remaining
children. Estonian:
- Why is tyy sabiraaes egoo? Otkuta you snaaes one hundred 
tvooy it? Russian:

- And because when a German said "Heil
Hitler, my fists clenched, and your crap!



- I am about the nerve endings - called

  St. Peter to Vsevyshnemy - how many of them

  put in its pyki?
- How much do you put in pyki Adam?
- About dvyhsot about mydreyshy!
- Hy, so put as much and the woman.
- How many nerve endings in the supply

  her genitals?
- How much do you put Adamy?
- Four hundred and twenty.
- Clearly, you've decided that Adam should obtain
  chat a lot ydovolstvie from sexual

  intercourse. Do the same and a woman.
- Well, the Great Lord, - said the saint

  Peter.
- Wait, wait - vdryg God said, -

  you know, inset tyda her ten thousand

  endings. Pyst during sovokypleniya

  calls out my name ....


Recently, doctors selected representatives
different professions, to see how
Viagra affects on their body. The first
had such a reward: y of all observed
increase in potency. Exception: employees
GAI. Their potency Viagra has not acted,
So why were they only add to growth.


Brezhnev:
- Our economy should be economical!
Gorbachev:
- Our economy should be!
Yeltsin:
- Our economy needs .... and many, pony
  maesh Do ...


Two Englishmen debated:
- My lord, you bastard!
- From my Lord hear!
Sit two alcoholic on the riverbank. River
Vodka, next to a stream of beer. Sit thumps.
Runs up to him muzhichek: "Guys, let
drink! "drunk and ran away. This is repeated
several times. Peasants, fed up, saying:
- Listen, enough to run, sit, sit down with us!
- Yes, I'd love to, but I can not, I
still lying in the emergency room!


On the driving test:
- I give an introduction. You control the moving
vehicle. Ahead before you
suddenly there are two human figures - an old woman and a girl. 
Who will press? - Um ... Well, it's ... Old woman.

- Brake! The brake pressure must be!


Computer - a diagnosis which is incurable.

Route bus driver announces:
- "Comrades, if you are over the wheels,
This does not mean that you should not pay
travel!


Buses stop at the stop, the doors open. By bus runs over a 
peasant: - People tell me, what kind of bus?

- "Ikarus" ...
- Yes, number, number, then what?
- 25-67 SWA ...


Drunk guy comes home at night. He drops all the rattles, rings. 
Pop up sleepy children and wife. The husband raises his head 
and says:

- What I can not sleep without a folder?


"New Russian" explains another phone as a background image in 
the monitor (for Desktop) in the crimson color to paint:

- ... And now PUSH <OK>.
- Press. Listen, then reboot offer. Agree?
- Agrees. Just not immediately. And then what
are you the authority?


On the high bank is a monument MalchishuKibalchishu. Flying 
wing aircraft and not wave; sail boats and even gudnut never; 
pass people and flowers will not put. And only 
Malchish-Plokhish wherever not hurry on his Mercedes, always

slow down, just down the window and think: "Greetings, comrade!"


"The doctor says: Normally, the flow
health is. "Bordyuzha about
health of the president.


New Negro bought six hundredth Mears. Comes home his wife asks:
- What color interior?
- Bodily.


A knock at the door.
- I have come to tune your piano, - said the man opened his 
mistress. - But I do not cause - was taken aback a woman.

- You have something there - the master is responsible, - me 
your neighbor called.



- Dad, get me sandals - Requests daughter
dad.
- Be quiet, Masha, you are still not skating wear.

Tax inspector asks a new
Russian:
- Are you sure that the villa, five "Mercedes"
and six apartments in the center you bought at
honestly earned money?
- And what else?
- I think that all this is purchased at
the people's money!
- You Th, vasche? .. Where did these people
money?


Clinton calls Yeltsin:
- Hello, Boris!
- Hello, my friend Billy!
- Asking me to you. Something you have rate
our dollar stagnated as to whether anything should be done.
- Yes, always please, to us it's time to spit and write: 
"Stepashin's resignation." 


Radio conversation manager at Frankfurt Airport and the pilot 
of Aeroflot 4554, MoskvaFrankfurt. Manager:

- On-board 4554. Take a corridor 8 and descend to 1000 meters!
Borth 4554:
- You got it! Reduced!
Manager:
- On-board 4554! The band is free! You may be seated!
Borth 4554:
- Got you! Sit down!
..... Misses by the band and again gaining altitude.
Manager:
- On-board 4554! You that have never been in Frankfurt?
Borth 4554:
- Was in the 1944th, but then I did not sit down!


Seminarians rent languages. One got
German. Opens the book. Spell:
- ETI also ... University in hildren same ... ebungen ... von
On-etE! Priest takes in his book:
"Oetische und Poetische Ubungen. Von
Goethe. "- Okay, go." Mediocre
you.
- What, sir, is wrong?
- It's true, of course, my son, so too
obscenely painful!


On the high bank is a monument MalchishuKibalchishu. Flying 
wing aircraft and not wave; sail boats and even gudnut never; 
pass people and flowers will not put. And only 
Malchish-Plokhish wherever not hurry on his Mercedes, always

slow down, just down the window and think: "Greetings, comrade!"
9 signs that you came to visit did not
there.

1. When your appearance all lie face

   down, and no tricks.
2. Your gift is stupid, but carefully consider
   regarded.
3. Bottle of vodka you brought, you
   beer, until you take a coat.
4. Your coat and hat hanging on the hosts

   the bell.
5. The good-natured landlady Bull fly

   evening hanging on your hip.
6. Boss all evening in a strange absorption
   embedded for you in the door peephole.
7. Once you have logged in, you all start

   beat, and someone one heart-rending cries: This

   no he is not he!
8. You ask: I hope the tail for you

   is not it?
9. After you knock out the door hear:

   Oh, God! Again mayhem!
- Say, Rabinovich, you have children?
- How can I have children? We are nowhere
does not happen to us no one comes ...


The wife sends her husband out of holiday in the south telegram
- And still you're the best!


- Abram, but it is true that Katzman gave
slap you, and you did not respond?
- I did not respond? Good deal! And who
fall?


The store buyer, after reading an advertisement
"Refrigerators are sold only to members
Patriotic Voyny 1812go year, "said
the seller:
- And unless these are still alive?
- And how. Yesterday one came, a certificate
Kutuzov show.

The doctor says the patient:
- You know that deep breathing kills
microbes and purifies the lungs?
- Is it? But how do they get to breathe deeply?


The lady asked a little girl:
- What is your beautiful hair, probably
are you from your mom?
- No, I think of the pope. Because he
on the head there is not one hairs.


Talk to two people in love.
- Tell me, dear, if I refuse to be your
wife, do you really commit suicide?
- Sure, dear! I always do in such situations.



- You know, I had a pigeon, but
died in the ...
- What is it? Shot?
- Oh no! At the post office crushed when the stamp set ...


In jail Russian, Georgian and Jewish. They
pose - If the morning sum of the length
your members will be equal to 1 meter, you
grant freedom. Russian got his - 48
cm, the Georgians - 50 cm, the Jew was dug, dug, gets 2 see 
them released. They go City, Russian says:

- If not for my 48 cm!
Georgians proudly:
- Yes, if it were not for my 50 cm!
A Jew softly:
- And if I had not got ...



Parrot gave "Viagra". He ran into the yard
and peretrahal there all living creatures. Master in
horror, does not know what to do. Finally,
thought: put the parrot in the freezer,
Let thinks podmerznet ... Two hours later, the owner opens the 
freezer and sees a parrot ... in sweat. Landlord in perplexity: 
- How? A parrot:

- Do you know how long it took me
open your legs frozen chicken??


Two pupils are sitting in the bus.
Includes an old woman and says:
- Could you, guys, stand up, because before you woman! One 
tried to get up but the latter stopped him:

- Sit down. I have these jokes already know. You will rise, and 
she immediately take your place. 

Park. On the bench sits a middle-aged woman. To her hooked 
myzhchina. Myzhchina:

- Sorry, you slychayno not a teacher?
Woman ydivlenno:
- Yes, teacher. And how did you guess?
- Do you face glypoe ...
Woman vozmyschenno:
- Do you also face glypoe!
Myzhchina with grystyu: - I, too, teacher ...


Conversation in the trenches:
- Sorry, you are on the next attack, do not go out?
- No. Me through one.


Once, in the final of tennis tournament
meet on the court Yeltsin (president) and
Chernomyrdin (Prime Minister). Won
Chernomyrdin - the former prime minister.


Husband and wife guesses krossvord.Zhena:
- Fallen creature, five letters, the last
soft sign ..
The husband quickly:
- Rouble!



Dog comes home. Host:
- Duc you drunk again, came from a walk!
Dog: shakes her head.
- Come on, lift up the right front paw!
Performs.
- A left-back!
Raises.
- A well povilyay tail!
Wag.
- Come on Paul!
- La-ah-ah, lai, lai, la la la!

About cops / engineers / blondes / etc and a light bulb. 
(Calculation of forces and means) of the type: - How many 
elements to replace a light bulb?

- So much .... : One holds a light bulb
other rotating chair on which there is a first, third go 
around, so that no previous head spin, and another part 
standing in a cordon and are looking to avoid came to talk and 
did not hit him. 


Chief doctor of the hospital is calling young
surgeon in his office and said to him:
- You have to somehow curb your enthusiasm. Because
you have to write off the third
operating table. Much to ask, do not press so to the scalpel.


- Pap ... and Shaw's "flea"?
- Do not poke your nose into politics, my son ....

- I will complain! Your remedy for moles
worthless. Mole eats it with pleasure.
- Then all is fine. Until it devours the mole, it was not to 
wear. 


- Hey, stewardess!
- What would you like?
- Give Me a Complaints Book! Every time
I fly this airline, I gets
the same place. And I can not watch
film. And the windows do not have curtains, so I do not
I can take a nap.
- Shut up, captain, and not be distracted
from management. Soon landing.



             Bad advice

          Dedicated to G. Oster

If the husband at the hands strayed,
On the Internet, all dives
You the same even for a minute
Dip does not,
You are his cup of tea -
Five tabletochek "Purga"
And then the machine - your
For the next seven hours!


Five tabletochek blizzard?
My God, what a little,
It is simply not serious
For normal men.
We come then pohlesche,
To incapacitate
Coley would strychnine for instance,
Il a curare there ...
A Purgen we digest
Dissolves without a trace,
If there are sudden impulses,
We - immodium inside.
So this is a weak method
Against the buzz of Internet ....

...... But his wife a second computer

     It would not hurt, would buy
 Subject: Modification songs



 I'm from the same opera know (sung to the tune of
"Where does my love Valeria Marmeladze)



      BROTHERS TORCH

     "NEC-RO-MENS"

 Do not disturb my soul Skripkin,
 I'm not maintain
 Maybe part somehow I can
 Someone made a mistake
 Caretaker morgue, maybe
 Putting you at the battery.

 Izzy R. Skripkin
 In the village we had
 Founder of the club necrophilia.
 Dying, he bequeathed,
 Save your body for us
 ? formalin was not enough ...

 Broke in pieces,
 How can I build - I do not know myself!
 In the anatomy of gaze -
 Where the leg - I can not find.

 Find all the parts of the body
 We will collect piece by piece,
 Easy image dear nurturing.
 Will you now in the village
 Necrophilia symbol
 Like Lenin in his mausoleum.

 All that was missing us
 We have found in cemeteries;
 Izzy assembled piecemeal,
 As a designer DIY.

 As a designer DIY,
 Izzy assembled piece by piece.
 Necrophilia different countries,
 Come visit us!

-----------------------------------------


                  FIDO_NET from Volgodonsk