Polesse #19 31 марта 2001

Юмор

round of laughter - Putin Alexander Bogolyubsky answer for how to work the computer woman fnekdoty, stories.

              AROUND THE LAUGHTER



   Putin will answer for Andrew Bogolyubski



   Ukrainian language will gosydarstvennym Russia, and the 
chorus Pyatnitskiy pereimenyyut in Choir Ropes. Ukrainian 
nationalists held today picketed the Russian Embassy in Kiev. 
Message him organizers to Pytiny proved that Kiev - not only 
the mother pysskih cities, but also the habitat of the most 
glypyh national-patriots in the world.


   When the ancient Muscovites razryshili Troy, living there 
mydry ykrov people (from it later came all the Slavs), headed by

Soskin Aeneas fled to the shores of the Dnieper. Many thousands 
of years lived ykry in these blessed places under ypravleniem 
mydrogo kind Soskin, built the pyramids, ykradennye later

Egyptian Moscovites, Colossus, stuffy later Rhodes
Muscovites, and drew ikony Vladimir Mother of God, "scho
byla vikradena in 1157 rotsi is m. Vishgoroda bilya Kiiva Prince
Andriim Bogolyubskim. "From the very klyatogo of all Muscovites
Ukrainy rescued long Great Wall, but its like a sin,
shortly before yvolokli Chinese Muscovites.

   After Bogolyubskii kidnapped y ancient people
Last natsionalnyyu sacred, everything went awry. First
Milk River Dnepr became vodyanyyu, then Tatar
Muscovites ytaschili Crimea, and then poor ykry and ohnyt not 
yspeli, as with the Crimea were subjects of the Russian Empire.

Having attained after long years of slavery dolgozhdannyyu 
svobody descendants Ancient ykrov began writing letters to 
offenders. One of the first recipients became VV Pytin, 
kotoromy head of the Ukrainian National Conservative Party 
(EECP) Oleg Soskin, who signed the letter, offers ikony vernyt, 
Russian Ambassador to Ukraine to withdraw, do ykrainsky 
gosydarstvennym language of the Russian Federation, to cover 
the whole of Russia Network ykrainskih theaters continue not to 
intervene in vnytrennie the case of Ukraine, otherwise known as 
"subversive activities against Russian stryktyp are played 
measures were taken. " 

   This message is in no slychae not read if you
a psychiatrist. With logic and history of its author addresses
so that you immediately want to go to Kiev to try
Oleg Soskin cure. Do not flatter yourself. Acute nationalism
treatment can not be. Theorist pysskih yltra Emelianov held in
psihyshke many years, and then came out - and wrote the Book, 
where earnestly argued that the subway station Medvedkovo -

"Monument to the Jewish-Masonic prisytstviya in Moscow" (Wall 
Station treygolnymi finished panels that are opened Emelianov,

develop in yzor of magendovidov). Not ymney than some
passages from letters Soskin, but Emelianov least bolshyyu
politiky not climb.

   However, pyst guy having fun. Zhirinovsky, for example,
once promised to wash his boots pysskogo soldier in the Indian
Ocean, but, after working for several years political shoymenom,
poyspokoilsya and now only promises to become vedyschim
program "Good night, kids." You look, and the head of EECP
gone mad. Go on local television to programmy
"A surprising number of" and bydet telling viewers about ykrov,
Ukrainy and various tribes klyatyh Muscovites.


                                               Basil Mamaduev.


    As a woman working at a computer


           (Unlike men)


            The experience of the system administrator


   Since the theory of women have always been adapted by
environment, as opposed to men who are, of course,
Conversely, the whole world rebuild for themselves, women are 
exactly the same adapt to the "monster" in the form of a 
computer. 

   Ie if the PC starts somewhere podglyukivat, the man just
sort out the reason (at least replace all the stuffing and yes
all business). Woman - neee, it will pick up (!) Such
sequence of actions with the computer (the operating
system software), when the bugs are minimized. Even
if it will take a lot of time.

   - If a man have to repeat some sort of the same operation 
several times in a row - he will spend time to ensure that its 
automate. The woman will also be repeating the same operation 
until: 

   a) do not bother

   b) all finally be done

   a) someone tells you what you can do it automatically.
After which the woman says, "but before that I said nothing 
!"... Another case: when a man watching a woman doing the same 
routine operation that can automate, the man offers her 
assistance in the form of "I Wait a show you how to do it 
easier, "what often gets the answer" no, no, come on then, I 
remained 75 times to do it - then you tell me. "After story of 
a woman enjoys some time acquired knowledge, but then again, 
the habit goes back:) 

   - Women are very rarely gain direct URL into your browser -
usually on the button go to any site where there is a desired
link, and then - already on it further.

   - If a woman used to press Ctrl-C with two hands - you can
do not try to wean her from it.

   - Camaya distinguished programs for women - FAR commander
(And similar).

   - A woman amazingly quickly memorize any sequence of actions 
with the computer. Plays, by the way, no errors and at any time.


   - A woman has never studied the menu more or less complex 
program completely. 

   - Jump to another (higher) program (shell, editor) for women 
has been very difficult. 

   - When climbing on the internet just fine have been 
downloaded more than one site, but a new site for too long 
Georgia - immediately call your ISP: "what do you have with the 
Internet? " 

   - Women are never looking for new versions. And in general,
new programs. They always have the pre-set software. In this 
sense they are - self-sufficient. 

   - Same with the iron.

   - However, the woman easily persuaded to upgrade, if she 
complains at any brakes when typing, for example. You can simply

say that this is the computer is not enough memory (and very, 
very not associated with thirty editors open at once). ;-)




             Dozen jokes


1.B his office sits Putin. The bell rings.

  - Hello? Vladimir Vladimirovich? Hello! Talk to you

  prizident Coca-Sola Ltd. You know, we were very

  pleased reforms in your country. Especially

  We are interested in part related to the flag. So, y

  me to you strictly a business proposition: You take the red

  flag symbolism of "Hammer and Sickle" to change the logo of 
Coca-Sol'y. 

  And we, in turn, provide your budget in the coming

  Ten years?

  Putin - Kasyanov:

  - Hey, Mike, and y have a contract with Aquafresh has ended?

2. - Hello, you call the Internet, saying pozhaluys
   is the louder you have difficulty hearing, there are so many 
people! 

3. Decl yells from the stage: - I do not see your hands!

   A voice from the audience: - Do you jump!

4. Zoophilia - those who love animals, pterofily those of Liu
   bits of birds, and like all grinpisovtsy prirody as a whole.

5. In service: - The machine will not go!

   - Prokladky change necessary!

   - Kakyyu?

   - Ushastyyu!

   - And where is she?

   - Mezhdy pylem and the front seat!

6. Cover girl on the set. Photographer:

   - And now, dear, draw on the face of deep thought.

   I'll help you: What is 6 multiplied by 9?

7. There are two programmers - one is fun, drinking beer,

   and the second one - a sad, but with a sidecar. First:

   - Why are you so sad?

   The second one (pointing to the wheelchair):

   - Here, you see! No Uninstall, no Undo did not help.

8. Comes one fidoshnik to another birthday. Brings

   Card, a fancy, terribly beautiful, her beau
   Vym letters displayed 'Happy Birthday' Birthday
   nick opens the card, and then the big clumsy letters

   written: 'sabzh'

9. He graduated from the school boy in the village, the town is 
served. After some    certain time arrives home - where there! 
Such that the mother even 

   closed her eyes: in jeans, sneakers, etc., covered her mother

   table for the honored guest. Umyal it a bowl of borsch, 
spread quickly    Rules of porridge, then so imposingly asks:


   - And where dessert, Ma?

   "Oh, a scholar, a scientist!" - Happy mother, and says:

   - Tama, where before was - behind the barn ...

10. A little girl walks into a pet store. She is cute ylybaetsya

    prodavtsy and said: - I would like to kypit rabbit.

    The seller is responsible: - Want kypit this little Soren
    Who simpatyagy with huge sad eyes and this

    lazy fluffy white rabbit?

    Girl with ylybkoy answers: - A moemy ydavy do not care!



  Very funny story on Fomenko.Ru



   I was a few years ago in the city of Cherepovets, and watched
takyyu stseny. Summer, quiet green yards, windows naraspashky 
in one of the houses on the second floor gylyaet wedding. 
"People" is seen easy - pysskie sing folk songs, deshevyyu 
vodky interfere with port. Vdryg the song ended, the sound of 
broken posydy, women oryt, ny, shorter clear - the fight. And 
what's happened between them y do not know, but it seems like 
by crying out, stole myzhik b.ytylk.y the table and tried to 
get her ration syhim with a ytaschit. Hy, myzhiky mordy beaten, 
dragged out onto the balcony, benefit floor under the balcony 
of the second and kystiki-flowers, and swung to "two or three 
times" take off this garden. In this case, drop it an indelible 
impression - jumping in with vody three-meter springboard, a 
triple flip prognyvshis. It lies not moves tresnylsya a 
thorough, else be the default in its place broke to imagine 
why, but the people again at the table, sing songs, etc. 
Through some time myzhik rises (admittedly "gets" it strongly

said upright position, he took the minute digits five, and so it
not accepted, apparently healthy sliced) and so it crawls to 
the front, comes again in the apartment in ty. Call ....


   Radyshny loud voice in the hallway:

   - Simon! Where have you e. .. t. .. m. .. go? Myzhiki, Simon 
has come! Loud cries of:


   - Shtrafnyyu emy! Shtrafnyyu!
The wedding continues.


                   Kotyaki



   Available:

   Three terrible, small - medium size
piece of meat, two of whom are women come from, running around, 
and sweeping in its the way all that is possible. Colors are 
not clear, probably dark - gray and covered with hideous wool 
fluff from which protrude only four legs and

tail. Sometimes a hodge-podge of down peeps head, having two 
ears and two eyes. Three nose (at all). Gadyut anywhere, but 
fall mainly in the spec-basin. They are damn clever. Devilishly 
fast. 

   And already got ALL!

   If anyone needs kittens this configuration, the mylte. 
(Ropes :-) I would like to for them for 100 rubles per piece. 
but if you do not, I can give to 5 rubles per piece. ps: the 
cat independent, and affectionate cats. 



                  Pig



   A friend heard the story from an eyewitness.

   December-January - a time when the villages are 
traditionally cut pigs. One townsman, a year obzvedshiysya 
house in the village, bought a pig, fattened all summer and 
fall and now the New Year decided to make a grand pork 
barbecue. But his wife, a soft tender-hearted woman, without 
suffering the kind of suffering animals, demanded from her 
husband, that he "killed the poor pig humanely as possible, so 
that she not suffered." The pig, of course. At the end of 
family council it was decided to euthanize the pig gas. Drove 
her to an iron garage, put there as Balon and methane-propane, 
and opened the valve. Pig died after half an hour "in a dream." 
Conscience of his wife was now at peace - God's creation 
without pain departed to another world. Garage aired, the pig 
pulled out onto the street. Now I had her favor. The husband 
went to a neighbor for a blowtorch, and with it came back. Hung 
up a pig by its hind legs, included the burner and put it to a 
pig ... 

   There was a blast! ... Pig-a gas breathed, and he of it yet
not weathered. Pig fragmented - only to hooves, tied the rope 
remained. Kebab failed. Husband with neighbor with Nogo head to 
splodgy blood, with an extinct burner off with a shock and 
prolonged tinnitus. 

   Wife at the time of the story once again tormented 
conscience: how cruelly treated disrespectfully, with the body 
of the dead pig ... 



  Drill is not suitable for drilling teeth!



   A wave of lawsuits from consumers in recent years has swept 
American companies. As a result, they began to supply its 
products to specific instructions for use. This does not, and 
curiosities. 

   The organization that oversees judicial abuses
(Claims for trifling reasons) held a contest in Michigan.
Participants are asked to send a very silly instruction for any 
product. 

   The winner and holder of $ 500 was Joe Shanderson that
the jury sent the following warning: "Shields for tibia (used 
in game sports, such as football. - Ed.) does not guarantee the 
protection of the remaining parts of the body. " 

   This warning was the first among some 100 candidates, among 
which can also be found true masterpieces. For example, a plate 
from a public toilet: "To drink is used for flushing toilets 
water is unsafe." 

   Also claimed a victory statement for an electric drill with
the words "This product is not intended for drilling teeth."
Set for the construction of garden slides Popcorn Rock is 
equipped with the inscription: "Eating rocks is dangerous for 
your teeth!". Obviously, producer had an unpleasant precedent 
with the word "popcorn" in title ...


   And another gem: "The passengers traveling by a private
vessel may be injured, and damage due to water ingress
in the body cavity under pressure, as well - from falling into 
the water, including including landing on a ship. "