Micro #08 05 сентября 1998

Юмор

Humor

                 HUMOR



 Is a student on the street and see how full of a guy kicking 
foot roll. Student runs up to him:

 - What are you, it's a roll!
 - Quiet, you! Pushed the corner - together
eat.


              *

 Conversation of two microbes:
 - Hey, man, what is so bad vyglyadish?
 - Do not come near me! I think
penitsilin.


              *

 Addressed to the Congress of People's Deputies came a telegram 
from Tyumen: "Urgently send Echelon vodki.Narod sobered up and 
asked Delhi where the king - priest. "



              *

 Drunk at a bus stop keeps
a lamppost. Suitable policeman.
 - Are you here delaesh?
 - Bus waiting.
 - Fool, a bus with a floor lamp is not allowed.


              *

 - Tell it to your real hair or
wig?
 - A real, hair, head artificial.


              *

 - Do you know Annette, I'm starting to feel as
that her husband does not like me.
 - Why are you so dumaesh?
 - For the second year it does not appear
home.


              *

 - My Lord, tell your little son to
he did not imitated.
 - Luigi, stop pose as an idiot!


              *

 - Strange, but I'm somewhere has seen your face!
 - Indeed, it is strange, because I always
carry it with you!


              *

 Buyer:
 - I love this dog. But in my opinion, the
it has too short legs.
 Seller:
 - God be with you! They did reach the
land!


              *

 Lies over the road heavy fog. In two
meters can not see anything. Two cars go
one after another has been throughout the whole
hours. Suddenly, the first brake sharply, and
second just the same bumps into her. Drivers
jump out of cars.
 - Damn it! Is it possible to so drastically slow down for no 
reason! , Exclaims the driver of the second car.  - No apparent 
reason?-Asks first. "Yes you look carefully! I

already standing in his garage.


              *

 Drunken milkmaid comes to the farm. Cow
looked at such an outrage, and says:
- Okay, hold on to the udder, I'll jump.


              *

 Sits a man with a dog on the bank of the river and
fishes. Suddenly, next to the float rises and asks the frog:
 - Hey, man is the hour?
A man completely bewildered looks at the dog and the dog to him:
 - What smotrish, I myself in the sediment.


              *

 It is worth addict at the border, he hears
nearby in the bushes something zashevililos. He and
dog says:
 - Face!
The dog responded to him:
 - That well, bummer, I'd rather gavknu.


              *

 Teacher in the classroom asks:
 - Children who will say why flounder flat? All are silent, 
only Vovochka pulls his hand Well, the teacher did not even say:

 - Come on, Vovochka, answer.
 - Because of its whale otimel!
 The teacher scolded him kicked out of class
and gives the students the following question:
 - Who will say, why cancers such eyes?
 All are silent. Then the door opens and Vovochka says:
 - Because he saw the whale flounder
otimel.


              *

 Cannibal carries under his arm studenta.Navstrechu is another 
man-eater.  - Hello, fellow! Someone talking about?

 - Why, am a student.
 - Throw in FIG. Yesterday I cooked soup of
student, so he, the rascal, the whole potatoes
ate!


              *

 - What is the most outstanding product gave
Chemistry us today?
 - Blondes.


              *

 Call:
 - Hello, Professor, you - old ass!
 - And who says so?
 - Everyone is talking.


              *

 Checking for seminary work of Ivan Franko
teacher at the end of the set
"Donkey." The next day the students returned
Notebook.
 - Who will be what issues?
 - I have, "said Franco. -Why is it
you at the end of a signatory,
and evaluation of supply forgotten?


              *

 Roll call:
 - Petrov.
 - I!
 - Ivanov.
 - I!
 - Sosulkin.
 - I!
 - It's that you have such a name?
 - Yes.
 - Wow.
 - I!


              *

 Pops up an American submarine
middle of the ocean. The captain comes on the outer bridge and 
view of gorizont.Tut Intercom report kok:

 - Sir! Bulba is ready!
 - Sankey. Go at once.


              *

 - Sergei, why are you washing machine prodaesh?
 - I'm already married!


              *

 Small enterprise "Archimedes" uzgotovit
fulcrum, the lever and the Globe's drawings from the material 
of the customer. 


              *

 Charges siphons akkamulyatory, nuclear
warhead. Obraschatsya the Ministry
Defense.


              *

 In the coupe will go talk three:
 - When my wife was pregnant, it has become required reading 
"Two Captains". Imagine, had two boy!  - And when my wife 
became pregnant, she reads the "Three Musketeers". The result - 
Now I am suffering with three dunce.  The third hearing the 
arguments of his fellow passengers suddenly deathly pale:  - My 
wife is now in the ninth month of pregnancy, from morning till 
night she reads "Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves"!



              *

 Selling an apartment without intermediaries.
(Intermediaries evicted in 1937).


              *

 Forward to meeting girls can stir up and revive my heart. Write
address: City Hospital, Emergency Medicine.


              *

 ----------------------------------------
            Armenian Radio.
 ---------------------------------------- Q (B):
 - Can be ironed women's pantyhose?
 Answer (A):
 - You can, if they are to beautiful female legs.
----------------------------------------- Q - What do you mean 
capitalism is edge proposti?

 A. - That is - they look there, as
we are fumbling at the bottom.
----------------------------------------- Q - Why Luzhniki so 
often closed?  A. - There Khrushchev trains.


    - What?

    - In the race.

    - Why?

    - To catch up and overtake America!
----------------------------------------- Q - Is there a racial 
controversy in USSR?

 A. - No, because there is no white, no
Black. Everything should be red.
----------------------------------------- Q - Can nadorvatsya 
elephant?  A. - Yes, if you will raise our national economy.

----------------------------------------- Q - What kind of 
people most among Western Communists?  O. - those that no 
longer hope to become capitalists.

-----------------------------------------

              *

In the study breaks new Russian bank employee:
 - Chef! Your wife apparently escaped with
cashier.
 New Russian pulls out a gun, what would
shoot.
 - With Cassio?
 - No, cash intact.
 Boss hides a gun and an angry employee:
 - Go to work ... Phew, these women
never understand.


              *

 Husband returned from hunting in a drunken fervor
tells his wife:
 - All Manya this month, the meat can not
buy!
 - No elk flunked?
 - No, the whole pay-day drunk ...


              *

 Manya walks with Vanya in the park. Vanya eyes devouring all 
the beauties passing by Manya shuryaet hurt her husband with 
her elbow in the ribs and threatens to tear his head off home, 
so on alien bab not zaglyadovalsya.

 Following are Sarah and Abraham. He also kept his eyes from 
the passing beauties, and Sarah gently stroking his arm and 
says:  - Fatten, fatten appetite, will eat at home!



              *

 - If you're after the wedding is not going to tell jokes about 
mother in law, I will marry you married!

- I agree to it, I will not.


              *

 - Your wife is sexy?
 - Half, about sex is weak, but the saws.


              *

 Argue the officers of the three armies who wife
elegant.
 - I have such a slim wife - says
Frenchman - that once nearly managed to
sew a dress from what do you think?
From my ribbons for the Order of the Legion of Honor.
 - And so my Slim - trying to
outdo his Italian officer - that
when taking a bath, tacked on to
tap chain to avoid being swept by water.
 - Yes ... Oh ... Scho I can tell you for chains ...
Scratching his head crest .- Axis yesterday, the other day
drank with Zhinkov tea with cherry jam. So
Here accidentally swallow a bone, so uves
garrison think won beremenna scho ...


              *

 Drunk man in a car crashes into
post and says:
 - Well, I'm drunk in the trolley, and where are you
shoving under the wheels?


              *

 Fourth time watching this movie and say
you frankly: now the actors played a
never!


              *

 - Vovochka make out the sentence "My father went
in the garage "- says the teacher.
 - "Papa" - to be "gone" - predicate,
"Garage", an excuse ...


              *

 Male middle of the night and wakes up screaming. Wife
it asks:
 - John, Joe, what's the matter?
 - You know a dream that I'll instead
Pay your nest egg given.


              *

 - Yesterday I was his wife's eyes palms
closed, and she told me: "John?-Net.-Pete?" No. .. "
So stupid and do not guess!


              *

 In the doctor's office is a puny man:
 - Help me, doctor! My wife is my change!
 - So what are you doing, you want me to thee horns
sawed off?


              *

 Wife - husband:
 - Honey, what are your fondest desire?
 - The first - to win a million dollars.
 - And the second?
 - To bed is creaking ...


              *

 In the apartment the phone rings. A man picks up the phone and 
hears:  - Dear, our son was born.

 - God, how happy I am!. Who says so?


              *

 The woman at the reception sexologist:
 - Just do not know what was happening to me?
As soon as I drink a glass of liquor, I
immediately appears irresistible urge to
men.
 - Well, we'll discuss your illness. But for
First, let's skip a drink.


              *

 - Mom, are you married dad that is better
is not it?
 - Of course, the first guy in the village!
 - And why humpback?
 - Marries not want to!


              *

 Astrologer ending lecture:
 - Capricorn, Taurus, Aries ... On the palate as
land: one maid, and three guided horns.


              *

 On a park bench sits a girl and reading a book. Suitable young 
people:  - Girl, I'm sorry, do not say that

hour?
 Girl, unbuttoning buttons of:
 - To persuade the same, damn!


              *

 The woman stated that she was raped by seven neighboring 
Senia. Mother Seney in the presence of neighbor removes pants 
Senka and appeals to the prosecutor:  - Citizen of the 
prosecutor! You take a look here. Razve could this tiny child 
rape a mare?  Senya whispers:

 - Mom, do not stir! Otherwise we will lose
process!


              *

 Girl rides the bus and keep the kitten in her lap. Sitting in 
front of a man says:

 - With what pleasure I would have changed
with your cat in some places.
 - I do not think you awake in the vostorge.Ved
I'm taking my cat to the vet for castration.


              *

 Talk to two friends:
 - Did you see Larissa? As she lost her looks,
poor thing!
 - Yes, nice to see ...


              *

 The young mother asked:
 - Who is like your kid?
 - The pope, "she says, all the while sleeping
and when waking up - reaches for the bottle.


              *

 The wife of one man kept a diary. One
of the entries reads: "July 6, my husband returned home 7 th 
day at 9 o'clock in the morning." 


              *

 Frantsuskaya famous actress Madame de la
Rock filed for divorce from her husband.
 - And why, indeed, madam, you decide
divorce?
 - My husband treats me like a dog!
 - So?
 - He demands loyalty from me.


              *

 - Mom! Hurry up in the hall! I dropped the ladder there.
 - Here's dad finds out, he'll ask!
 - Dad already knows - he is hanging on the chandelier!


              *

 - Mom, can I go for a walk?
 - How, with this hole in my pantyhose?
 - No, and Ira from the third floor.


              *

 - Dad, who are alcoholics?
 - Vaughn, vidish 4 birch. That, and the alcoholic
it seems that there are 8. Got it?
 - Got it, Dad. Only there for 2 birch.


              *

 Paratrooper jumps from an airplane. Flies and
pulling the ring and the parachute did not open. And then he 
sees that someone is flying it meet. He asks:

 - Hey, man, tell me, I'm here at the airfield
'll get?
 - I do not know. I powder magazine!


              *

 A man rapes a woman.
 - Help! Help! - Screaming Woman.
 - "Do not hurry to shout something - mumbles
man. - Can I do spavlyus.


              *

 In the apartment door knocking robbers.
 - Who's there?
 - Do not be afraid, do not visit?


              *

 Watchmaker customers say:
 - This alarm clock should start twice
day.
 - Before eating or after?


              *

 - Why do you have a lump on his forehead?
 - From the common cold.
 - I do not understand ...
 - What's hard to understand - sneezed near
column.


              *

 - You feel it? Warmer than it ...
 - I feel - I replied, going from shop to
street.


              *

 Is a man. Views sit facing each
other sheep, and man, playing chess.
 - Hey, how clever sheep?
 - Come on it. Sheep as a sheep!
 - And by what?
 - Three three.


              *

 Sit two urban and one rural peasant.
 - My wife - drill press, complaining about the first.
 - I've got worse - milling, "says
second.
 Village man sighs:
 - I know one word - "sawmill" and it is not
fits.


              *

 - Comrade driver, and saw the bus
You can?
 - It is in the package?
 - Yes.
 - Then you can.
 - Wife, come in!

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

                School.
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
 Teacher (S):
 - Think of a sentence with the word "sow"
 Apprentice (Ouch):
 - Three days ago, I sowed his watch.


              *

 W.:
 - Compose a short story about wolves.
 Ouch.:
 - In the forest, I saw seven wolves, they are both
were gray. I took a stick and he fled.


              *

 "The ducks were at the trough and waited for the milkmaid."


              *

 W.:
 - What do you know about Robin Hood?
 Ouch.:
 - Robin Hood lived in the woods and hunted
lords!


              *

 W.:
 - What are the working tools used
ancient people?
 Ouch.:
 - They used wooden glands.


              *

 "In the distance loomed something white."


              *

 "With one hand he held on to the railing, and
the other down the stairs. "


              *

 Triangle - a figure that has two
hand upright, and one recumbent. "


              *

 - How to measure the area of ​​a circle?
 - It is necessary to measure all its sides ...


              *

 "The class includes a boy and devochka.Oni were
brothers. "
__________________________________________



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  06.09.1998 Grey Beetle