Subliminal Extacy
#03
01 апреля 2001 |
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Your Stars
Your Stars By DOk / RA Thanks to a glut of interest in the speccy scene, I thought I would make a little time and do an in depth voyage of discovery as to what the future holds for all of us, so don't be scared little rabbit... Read on and find out why?? And more importantly, why not?? I've used a time tested ancient Scottish method of divining the future here, if you want to try it at home, all you need is a bottle of vodka, and a typewriter or word processor... Have a Fun amigos, and don't blame me if you spill on yer membrane ;cD Aquarius January 20 - February 18 Once the ship goes out, your hassles in this country are almost over. Now if only you can get out of the habit of picking your nose every time someone says, "nurse". When the moon is in ascendance, you will suddenly find yourself attracted to the Queen Mother, lets face it, its been a while and even Roseanne Barr is beginning to look kind of attractive! Lucky Number: 42 (it's the answer you imbecile) Lucky Animal: The Worm Pisces February 19 - March 20 Fishy huh?? Your kipper will be kept in constant action right through the year, not only will you find an abundance of potential victims, but you will find that the more you do, the more you want to! Your unusually short height will not prevent you from any opportunities, and you will soon discover your forte is not in the field that you thought it was, its on the one at the back! If mad cow disease is featured one more time in the news, don't kill yourself, its way too easy! Lucky Number: 2244 (its your pin number, now you can use your cash card again!) Lucky Animal: The Emu Aries March 21 - April 19 This year, you will find that random body parts keep dropping off, this may be due to the leprosy you developed while hanging about in cheap Taiwanese brothels, or may be due to the fact that you keep trying to juggle with chainsaws. You will meet an attractive person with a letter B tattooed on their forehead. Beware the ides of March, and small men with kippers. Lucky Number: -12 (you don't know why, and neither do I) Lucky Animal: The Alligator Taurus April 20 - May 20 While rooting around in your best friends underwear drawer, you will come across some very dodgy magazines with midgets doing unspeakable things, so I wont speak about them. A few minor upsets in the romance department, and you will realise that the gene pool just doesn't need any more of you, thank god for that. Look out for a small dog called "bucket" his owner will lead you to a new less interesting way of passing time while in the bath. Lucky Number: 3 (No, You'll never have a threesome!) Lucky Animal: Still... The WoooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooooorm Gemini May 21 - June 21 Twins are great aren't they? This year you will meet a pair of them, or perhaps not. Try not to make a big deal over the fact you aren't bald yet as you just never know when it will happen! Smelly things are afoot in your local pub, namely the annual cheese sniffing competition, try not to surprise the locals as to where on your body is cheesy. It's not big and it's not clever! Lucky Number: 68 (One day my friend, one day...) Lucky Animal: The Zebra Cancer June 22 - July 22 If its sex you are looking for, then don't be so bloody stupid! This year heralds big changes for you, you might even finally change your underwear in time for your birthday. A lunatic in your family will somehow discover about your small black box in your trousers, just deny all knowledge and it may just blow over, but be prepared to kill them if it doesn't... No one must find out about the invasion plans! Lucky Number: 8 (one for every day of the week!) Lucky Animal: Hahahaha... its... "The Wooormmmm!!!!!" Leo July 23 - August 22 Someone you know will hire a hit man to kill you this year, but it's only a joke and they don't mean any harm in it. Beware European men wearing sunglasses at night, and claiming to be plumbers. If you get asked to do a special appearance in some local television program then feel free to smile stupidly and make small monkey noises when on camera, in other words, just be yourself and try not to vomit! Plays can be interesting when you decide that the lead is a bit of a git. Somehow you will be ok, despite the below average I.Q. Lucky Number: 70 (you do this too often!) Lucky Animal: The Three-Toed Sloth Virgo August 23 - September 22 If you were a fungi, you would have to be a magic mushroom, if only for the brief periods of insanity you produce in anyone in contact with you. Dogs will find you ankles to be of great interest, even more so than usual. If the government happen to find out about your little "hobby" you are going to wish you never started stealing them in the first place! Drain covers aren't out to get you, despite how you may feel about them in late October. Lucky Number: 12 (act your age, not your shoe size!) Lucky Animal: tHe wOrM!!! Libra September 23 - October 22 Aaahhhhh... wasn't that better?? Despite your ravishing good looks, charm and attractiveness, you will be as lame as possible whenever you feel that things are looking up for you! Sometime in the near future you will be made to eat a whole bucket of coleslaw despite the fact it reminds you of rabbit vomit! Gremlins somehow come to reside in your filing cabinet, and if you don't have one yet, then go and get one! Next time don't leave the case off your pc, it may just save your life! Lucky Number: 0 (Just go and die somewhere while you still can!) Lucky Animal: The Skunk Scorpio October 23 - November 21 As a Scorpio, people often mistake you for a tree stump, its not helping with the fact you tend to wear brown (and that's not through choice either is it?) Remember, all bark and no bite means that you are barking and not biting! Somehow, that's relevant to your home life and your work at the same time, mostly when your parents leave you on your own in dark places! When your neighbours start to chase you with flaming pitch and screaming for your burning, it means its time to stop grinning, and to move out fast... next time choose somewhere with a more cosmopolitan attitude! Lucky Number: 180 (Time for you to start playing darts!) Lucky Animal: The Banana? Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 Moomins and apricots will feature heavily this year, as well as wet wet wet, and the Beegee`s. Somehow this seems relevant to you when no one else seems to have a clue why you keep rolling and parping! Later this year you'll find that you've a good bit of luck, then wonder why it never happened before. Maybe you should've closed the fridge door and it would go off so quickly? When in doubt, don't just attack the smallest kid you can find in the street! Make sure you get one with sweets so you can have them afterwards! Lucky Number: 2345783434562435245734524511357689641498237552 (its never easy with you is it?) Lucky Animal: The WOOOORRRRRRRRRMMMMM!!!!!!!!!! Capricorn December 22 - January 19 As a potentially dull person, you come to realise that no one cares if you turn up at the works night out or not, and lets be honest, even you aren't your type. If you had a bullet, you would still need a gun, and the blanks you have been firing just don't cut the mustard. Perhaps you should seek therapy, or try a nice simple bowl of cornflakes every morning. Near to summer, you will find that wasps are attracted to your shampoo, so try some Mc Hammer, its still lame, but doesn't make you look as gay. Lucky Number: 1 (anything else would just be too complicated) Lucky Animal: The Babel Fish
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