Interest - both laughter and sin... Let's have fun?

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         1.АНЕКДОТЫ (annepetub!)          
                                          
   -  Анри,-  говорит  жена  своему мужу,-
когда  сегодня  придёт  Андрэ просить руки
нашей   дочери,  тебе  достаточно  сказать
"да",  а  не  целовать ему руки и говорить
"СПАСИТЕЛь МОЙ!".                         
                  - - -                   
   - Вчера так напился, что ничего не пом-
ню...  Но  самоеoffensive - I don’t remember
drank!                                      
 - - -                   
                                          
                                          
   - Yesterday I got so drunk that I came home,
and didn’t recognize his children... And when he sobered up -
drove, I realized that I was in the wrong apartment...  
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Russia has concluded an agreement with the international
nym currency fund. As collateral she
provided its missiles. Delivery terms
- self-flight...                            
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Bill Clinton tried to make things right...
his way, he even wanted to adopt Monica,
but only Hillary opposed, they say
Why do we need an extra mouth in the family???           
                                          
                  - - -                   
 ...Don't steal!  The government doesn't like
competition...                            
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Bill Clinton's Mournful Address
to the people of the United States: "The enemy insidiously fired at our
planes when they peacefully bombed him
kind."- - -                   
                                          
    Stirlitz walks through Berlin... Unexpectedly
some dog became attached to him. He
called her:                                
   - Fool, come here!                   
   - You’re a fool yourself, I’m from the Center!         
                                          
                                          
 2.APOPHYGEA                
                                          
"The best way to organize a panic is to pop
ask everyone to remain calm"        
"I'm waiting for an answer, like the nightingale of a party card..."   
                                          
"Of course, there are many good people, only they
are rare..."                     
                                          
 3. How someone gets drunk.           
                                          
            carpenter - to the board            
 glazier - to pieces         
 cab driver - into the arc            
 shoemaker - in the insole           
  tailor - into flaps            
 firefighter - in the smoke            
 undertaker - to death           
  pig farm - until the pig squeal     
 hunter - in the snipe            
 chauffeur - in the steering wheel            
 railway worker - into the handcar        
 football player - out            
 cook - in the sausage            
 cooper - in the barrel            
  forester - into the big picture            
musician - to the tune            
 electrician -off           
 mathematician - to zero            
  medic - until pulse loss        
  physicist - until loss of resistance     
 chemist - before precipitation       
 writer - to the handle            
 journalist - to the point           
 astrophysicist - to the stars from the eyes       
                                          
  4. Stories about doctors and patients     
                                          
    - Sister, what do we have today?          
    - Two mild cases - automobile
disaster and work injury, and
one heavy one - a husband who refused to wash the dishes -
duh...                                     
                  - - -At the sanatorium. The patient tells the doctor:   
   - Doctor, I'm choking...               
   - But how, it’s impossible! Here the number
the finest air!                            
 - Yes, but I'm used to seeing what I breathe. 
                                          
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Conclusion of the examination: “The patient needs
given in doctor's care. And the further the doctor
If he leaves, so much the better."                        
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
   - Doctor... I'm dying...            
   - I'll help you now...                     
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    A man sits with an ax in his head, in a
doctor's office. The doctor calmly asks the question
dew:                                     
   - Did you have jaundice or measles as a child? 
                                          
                  - - -                   
 A young woman comes to see
to the doctor:                                    
   “Take off your clothes,” says the doctor. She,
quickly undressing, he asks in surprise:  
   - Why don’t you undress?- - -                   
                                          
    Two medical graduates meet
go institute. One asks:            
   - Well, have you already started practice?       
   - I have already managed to accept it myself.
childbirth!                                     
   - Ooo! Successfully?                      
   - It's hard to say. The child turned out to be dead
born, the mother died from the loss
blood. Now I'm trying to save my father...      
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Visit to the doctor:                      
   - Doctor, what’s wrong with me? Head in the morning
dizzy, sleepy, salty
it seems.                                    
   - Yes, my friend, you are pregnant. How is it
did you manage?                           
   - Mmmm... And it all started with washing...
courts...                                   
                                          
                  - - -                   
   - Don't worry! - the doctor reassures me
young woman, whose birth I only delivered
why in the elevator. - They told me that in
last year one woman gave birth right on
stop.                                
   - Doctor, it was me...- - -                   
                                          
   - Doctor, when I reach with my hands
knees, at the same time bending back and
I lift first one leg, then the other,
I definitely have pain in my back
no.                                       
 - Hm... Why are you doing such things?
difficult exercises?                       
   - Exercises?! What about you, somehow...
do you put trousers on someone else?                  
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    A doctor meets his wife on the street
patient.                                 
   “Tell me,” he turns to her, “how
How is your spouse feeling? He has already delivered-
from your absent-mindedness?                 
   - Well, how can I tell you, doctor... Apparently,
not quite yet.  Entering the kitchen in the morning, he
First of all, he hits me on the head with a spoon.
ve, and then kisses the soft-boiled egg.          
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
   - Please ask the next pa-
patient, - the doctor asks the patient, whom
already examined it.                             
 - Please! - he says to the lady, sitting
necks in the reception area and goes out into the street.       
   -Where are we going? -suddenly he hears
los behind, having walked half a kilometer.         
                                          
 5.About Stirlitz               
                                          
    Stirlitz rang the doorbell.  The door is not
opened.  Stirlitz banged on the door.
The door didn't open. Stirlitz beat the door but
gami. The door didn't open. Stirlitz hit
door head. The door didn't open. "No one
there is no home,” Stirlitz realized.                
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    The General Staff has a salary. There's a crowd at the box office.
Stirlitz, pushing everyone aside, makes his way to
window.                                   
   - Don’t miss Stirlitz, he’s not here
stood!!! - the officers shouted.             
   - Heroes of the Soviet Union are served
out of turn! - with a feeling of pride in co-
Stirlitz throws a Soviet man at them.     
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Schellenberg gave Stirlitz a tip. "Num-
“nogo, but in foreign currency,” thought Stirlitz,
hiding the Reichsmarks...                       
                                          
                  - - -                   
    Stirlitz pulled out a note from Muhl-
Lera. Thatsquealed pitifully and fought back.     
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    In the clearing, near the fire, people were sitting...
“Castrati,” thought Stirlitz.             
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Stirlitz lit the stove. In a couple of hours
The stove choked.                       
 - - -                   
                                          
    Stirlitz crossed his legs.  On the next
the next day, Leg and Leg were taken.            
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Stirlitz sat upright.  Raskoryachka
snorted and drove off.                       
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Stirlitz entered Mueller’s office and saw
that he was lying on the floor dead. "Otra-
got lost, poor fellow,” thought Stirlitz, swallowing
the living handle of an ax protruding from the back of her neck
fa.                                       
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    It was blowing from the window. Stirlitz closed the window, blowing
lodisappeared...                             
 - - -                   
    Muller ran into Stirlitz's office,
he tore off a piece of paper and ran away. "Carry-
lo,” thought Stirlitz. "To be so pro-
it was crazy,” thought Muller.                  
                                          
                                          
                  - - -                   
    Stirlitz secretly fed the German children
tey. From stealing, the children grew plump and died.       
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Stirlitz has been spouting nonsense since the morning. No matter how
Anno, she liked it.                   
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Stirlitz walked along the narrow streets of the old
go of Berlin.  Three whores were walking towards him.
“Whores,” thought Stirlitz. "Stirlitz" - in
thought the whores.                             
 - - -                   
                                          
    Stirlitz shot blindly and missed
Xia. The blind woman began to shoot back.         
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Stirlitz sounded the alarm. She'll come again
sludge fell on his leg.- - -                   
                                          
    Stirlitz walked through the forest. I saw a man in
sweatshirt and skis. “Bugman,” I thought
Stirlitz.                                  
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Stirlitz was walking down the street with the radio operator. Time
a shot was fired and Kat fell. Stirlitz is alert
lived.                                    
 - - -                   
                                          
    Stirlitz went into the forest to pick mushrooms. I was looking for
I didn't find anything. “Yeah, yeah, apparently it’s not the season,”
- thought Stirlitz, and sat down in a snowdrift.        
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    Stirlitz went into Hitler's office, he
When he saw him, he fainted. Stirlitz is
went to the mirror, straightened his budenovka and left.
                                          
            6.About new Russians            
                                          
  Two new Russians are driving in one Mercedes,
sad, sad - no money,crisis
devoured everything. One says:                 
   - Listen, buddy!  Come on, like in the old days
Let's at least pass the time on suckers!          
    They are catching up with "Constipation" and with all their might
they bump into him. They come out, fingers like a fan:  
   - That’s it, bro, you’re without an apartment...
first...                                   
    And three big men with
with baseball bats... Half an hour later, one
the new Russian unsticks from the asphalt, scratches
turnip and says thoughtfully:                 
   - No, bro, I saw that the crisis was a sucker -
mi did?                                
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
   - Son, who do you want to be when you-
Are you growing?                                  
   - New Russians.                       
   - But then they can kill you directly
There are competitors near the entrance.                
   - Yes?.. Then I want to be a competitor. 
                                          
                  - - -                   
                                          
    A wife writes to her husband from Paris: “I have no
words to describe everything seen here,
So I’ll go straight to the numbers.”         
 7.Explanatory dictionary Rinse off in time - rinse off
            supply of hot water;             
Spin love - ride your beloved on a carousel -
                   whether;                    
You can’t spill water - two under one umbrella -
                   com;                   
An intoxicating evening - the time of day preceding
      spending the night in a sobering station;      
Look both ways - watch two TVs;
We don’t need too much - the spouse’s point of view
           gov on family composition;           
A thinking player is a player who thinks for a long time -
    whether to hit or not to hit the goal;     
Exchange of opinions is when you enter a ca-
beat the boss with your thoughts, and you
              you walk with him.