Humor - a story about how to use the instructions.

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 Here is another article, this time
humorous. The first will be a story about
how to use the instructions. Following
It goes with two humorous poems.
Well, read on ;)))                     
                                          
=========================================
                                          
 INSTRUCTIONS FOR USING INSTRUCTIONS   
                (JOKING)                  
                                          
INTRODUCTION. An instruction is called a direct   
coal formed and bleached      
cellulose mass with printed on it    
font characters, collection       
which the sequence describes      
operations onimplementation of erectus      
intelligent primates products of civilization.
                                          
LESSION ONE.                           
1. Pick up the instructions by the corners  
both thumbs and index fingers   
(right and left) hands, and, trying to 
lecture to release lubricating fluid into   
articular capsules of the elbow joints in front 
of their limbs with their slow extension  
baths, carefully lower the instructions   
straight ahead until she touches    
horizontal plane, illuminated    
on the left with even daylight intensity
at 30 lux.                                
Breathing is deep and even.                 
2. If the text is turned 180
 degrees (so-called "kbepx feet" position  
- see figure), which makes it somewhat difficult   
perception, try, in no way    
case without changing the position of the text, re-   
sit on the opposite side of the table.    
Sit up straight and don't slouch.             
3. Working with text.                      
a) read the title;                    
b) enough;                            
Walk around the room, shake yourself, don't     
worry. Breathing is deep and even.     
c) read the 1st paragraph of the instructions (a      
then others, for example, 2nd, 3rd, 4th,    
etc., i.e. 5th, 6th, 7th and the restpoints), writing them down in notes          
unfamiliar terms in a column, interesting  
stylistic phrases with a hyphen,       
phonemes - ladder, morphems - herringbone,        
Latin proverbs - in an oblique line,   
Sumerian-Akkadian logograms - in         
barn book.                           
4. Read the manufacturer's address and   
remember the name of the compiling instructor.
5. Take a stack of instructions in your fist and    
go to the manufacturing plant.        
6. Find it at the manufacturer       
instructor-compiler.                  
7. Catch up and knock down the last one.        
8. Keep it as compact as possible. 
place the largest number of instructions 
tions of the manufacturer in the mouth       
(and others also - SR) cavities instructions-  
compiler on behalf of the buyer -     
consumer, trying to somewhat disrupt  
the nature of his breathing, deep, even. 
9. Stand tall and dignified in court
, don't slouch.                          
10. You will be acquitted.                        
                                          
=========================================
                                          
A story about a great feat.               
===========================               
1Somewhere in the sea-ocean,                     
Where the moles dug holes,                   
A crow was grazing on the grass                   
All fluffy like a tree stump.                    
2                                         
At this time, the evil lamb,                 
All covered in thorns, like a frog,              
I wanted the poor crow                     
Pull the tusks out of the nose.                  
3                                         
But a good knight appeared                   
All shining like a black man.                    
He bought big glasses                     
To stop the lamb.                    
4                                         
He sat on a large horse,                  
The horse was knee-deep with fleas.                
And the lamb dined -                      
Cardboard was delicious for breakfast.            
5                                         
The night has come, the sun has risen,               
The birds sang the national anthem                 
And they went to work in the mountains,                  
Where were rhinoceroses found?                    
6                                         
Dawn andit's warmer,                     
It snowed like underwater rain.           
The fish woke up early,                  
They tightened their trills.                      
7                                         
Knight in the morning at a fast pace               
On a horse like a turtle                      
He jumped in, faster than the wind.                   
He was fast as a snail.                
8                                         
Evil lamb, at this time,                 
Without getting lost I got lost,                    
He immediately found his way                     
After wandering around for half a day.                 
9                                         
And the crow kept grazing,                     
She came across a tasty rug.                
He hung a little in the wind,                
Overall it was very tasty.               
10                                        
I saw the evil lamb                   
The rug, dear to his heart,                  
Very angry                   
And he jumped up like a cactus.               
11                                        
A knight, brave as a hare,He galloped up to the terrible sheep.                 
A big battle has begun                   
I don’t know what’s big about it...             
12                                        
And the crow kept chewing,                      
The rug was soft - like stone.           
She liked it so much                  
Already in the mountains the volcano has awakened.              
13                                        
An angry lamb threw a stone                
But a most powerful shield was found                  
It was made of paper                   
To reflect blows.                      
14                                        
The knight covered himself with that shield,                
The wind didn't hit him,                     
What fluttered from the stone,                  
Like a huge hurricane.                      
15                                        
And the knight struck hard,                   
He beat with a huge club,                     
Made from foam rubber                      
It would be heavier.                        
16                                        
And he hit the sheep at the feet,                   
Transforming like a wizard                  
Or as a surgeonskillful,                    
They are in curved hooks.                     
17                                        
And then the lamb bleated:                    
"Why did you hit me?                    
I didn't steal your sandwich                 
What's in my pocket."                
18                                        
And the knight thought:                   
"Really, why did I knock,             
Maybe a brick from yesterday               
I got a jump in my stomach."                
19                                        
And the crow kept chewing                       
And she even licked her lips.                      
It was delicious to eat the mat-                
This is not a band-aid for you.                 
20                                        
The knight raised a lamb here                 
It turned out to be heavy                      
Like a green frog                      
That digs minks in winter.                     
21                                        
He did not throw away the lamb,               
I laid it down lightly                     
Gently, like throwing garbage                    
From the secondfloors.                         
22                                        
And the crow kept chewing,                      
“What is this bastard chewing?” -              
The knight thought politely,                   
Quietly shouting at the top of his voice.               
23                                        
"This will surely be a rug" -                 
The lamb agreed with him.                 
And moved onto the stones,                    
It was softer to lie on.                   
24                                        
And the crow, having chewed,                      
This rug is very tasty.                
I swam to catch herring,                   
To pick apples.                    
25                                        
Well, the knight took off his armor                  
And I decided to wash it with water                      
And sea cabbage,                       
Stopped rusting.                   
26                                        
The crooked-footed lamb,                    
Jumped to the prosecutor's office                    
To straighten your legs                      
And galoshes to buy.                     
27                                        
So the fairy tale ends,                   
And the moral here is:                
To prevent fleas from biting                   
You need to wear slippers.                     
                                          
 (C) Yaroslav Duma.
                                          
==========================================================
                                          
     WHEN WAS LENIN...                   
                                          
 When Lenin was little,               
 With a curly head,                      
 He also ran in felt boots                 
 Up the icy hill.                        
                                          
 When Lenin was a genius                  
 And with a bald head,                       
 He walked in leather shoes                
 Up the icy hill.                        
                                          
 * * *                             
                                          
 When Lenin was in the Arctic,               
 He froze his nose.                        
 Party comrades                       
 Laughed to tears.                        
                                          
                                          
 * * *                             
                                          
 When Lenin was a carpenter,                
 He was jabbing with an axe.                        
 And painted the walls with colors,                  
 When I was a painter.                       
                                          
 * * *                             
                                          
 When Lenin was a master                 
 (Closed the outfits)                       
 For the cause of the revolution                        
 He stole money.                       
                                          
                                          
 * * *                             
                                          
 When Lenin was a master,                 
 And he was angry, for example -                     
 I reprimanded for a long time                      
 To the peasants the letter "r".                    
                                          
 * * *                             
                                          
 When Lenin was with the masses,From the podium, again and again,                
 He made everyone laugh with his grimaces,                
 Arching his eyebrow.                      
                                          
 * * *                             
                                          
 When Lenin was in exile,              
 Always from mommy                       
 He received parcels                    
 And they had food!                        
                                          
 * * *                             
                                          
 When Lenin was a fraer,                 
 He wore a cap.                      
 Hiding from the police                     
 And he wasted money.                        
                                          
 * * *                             
                                          
 When Lenin was a woman,                
 He was completely different -                   
 Capricious, changeable                  
 And very expensive.                         
                                          
 * * *                             
When Lenin was a squirrel,                
 He lived in a dense forest.                    
 Early ripening nuts                      
 I took it indoors for the winter.                    
                                          
 * * *                             
                                          
 When Lenin was mediocre,             
 He was green.                      
 He sat in the grass, poor thing,            
 And he was friends with flies.                       
                                          
 When Lenin was average,             
 He was green.                      
 He sat in the grass, poor thing,            
 And he was friends with flies.                       
                                          
 * * *                             
                                          
 When Lenin was decorated                 
 It hung on his chest.                       
 Proud people walked                       
 Volodya is ahead.                       
                                          
 * * *                             
                                          
 When Lenin was intact                 
 He didn't go to school                      
 He didn't drinkbeer with vodka                
 And I didn’t drink cognac!                      
                                          
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 The end!