So, dear readers, here is a continuation of the famous
on IBM's modem networks a story called "9600 baud
and that's all, that's all."
The column is hosted by STEVER OF CHG.
COPYRIGHT A.M. Shcherbakov '1992.
Chapter Five,
in which the Heffalump suddenly appears,
and Piglet gives valuable advice to Winnie the Pooh
Winnie the Pooh got into the Mercedes and lazily pressed the
far. The car jerked off, and Vinnie almost drowned in
the seat, also, of course, plush.
He turned the steering wheel sharply to the right and decided to drive to
to his friend Rabbit to find out if he, by chance, learned
I learned to use an ax in my old age.
He drove up to his hole and was very surprised - old
"Zaporozhets" was not in its place. In its place is a hundred
there was a wooden peg to which a blue one was tied
balloon.
“This balloon won’t lift the Rabbit,” thought Vin.
neither Pooh. - “In my opinion, so. There is something here for a reason.”
He took a closer look at the ball and noticed a bright imprint
hoof current "Made by Piatachock".
“No other way, he waved the car at the ball,” I thought
Winnie the Pooh and came closer to the hole.
- Rabbit, let's Chat, the user has arrived! -
he said affectionately into the hole.
“Come in, dear Winnie the Pooh,” saidRabbit
from the inside.
Winnie the Pooh got down on all fours and crawled into the hole,
in the shower expecting to be hit on the head with a frying pan.
To his surprise, there was no blow.
Near ES'ka sat a Rabbit with a bandaged head.
howl.
“Here, you see, fsy nof was dialing,” he said
Pooh. - Dafa has a headache...
“Yeah,” said Winnie the Pooh and glanced sideways at the buffet.
“Beer is great,” said the Rabbit.
“Ah...” began Winnie the Pooh.
“And cognac is good,” said the Rabbit.
- Ah...
“And kolbafa,” said the Rabbit.
Vinnie grunted and looked at ES'ka.
- Are you still frolicking? - he asked.
“Yeah,” said the Rabbit, showing his long teeth.
Winnie the Pooh looked around the hole and noticed a modest
a large hatchet that has fallen asleep.
“Well, yes,” said Pooh. - Don’t you know
by chance, who is it that rubs me with a hatchet at night?
zero? All?
- Conductors? - the Rabbit asked joyfully.
“Them, my dears,” said Pooh no less joyfully.
- Fse? - The Rabbit continued to rejoice.
- That's it, there's nothing left.
- At night? - the Rabbit rejoiced.
- Yes, right on the very, very darkest night, they came,
su... bastards, and - bale! - not a damn thing is modem and can’t be heard
too. Tigger is probably predatory there right now...
“Yes,” said the Rabbit cautiously. - Tiger - mo-
fet...
- What can it do?- Vinnie asked, as if not
having heard
- I'm talking, mofet, is this a Heffalump? - asked
Rabbit.
Winnie the Pooh became gloomy. From meeting the Heffalump
he (as, indeed, Piglet) still had the most unpleasant
pleasant memories.
“Maybe a Heffalump,” said Winnie the Pooh. -
Just why did this Heffalump become a wire?
chop - it would be better to step on the roof... There would be meat -
wow!... They would sell it to the neighboring Forest... You know how much there
volt? I mean it was... The security alarm wasn't there either
worked - Kanga said that maybe the object was
too flimsy and dead.
The rabbit hiccuped offendedly - he felt flimsy/dead -
I didn’t think it was lym at all.
“Well, I’ll go,” said Winnie the Pooh and looked askance
to the modem grinding in the corner. - Is Zuhel plowing? - asked
he is hopeful.
“Yeah,” said the Rabbit, shaking the long one up and down.
new ears.
Piglet played non-stop for two and a half days
in the Prince. Finally he got tired of it, and with great caution he
with excitement he began to press completely arbitrary keyboards.
vishy, which Vinny told him nothing about.
Piglet didn’t remember how it came out in DOS. After wandering around
absentmindedly across the keyboard, he didn’t even notice how he ended up in
TeleMate...
When the modem stopped wheezing annoyingly, Piglet
jumped from the high chair onto the floor and stretched.
In two and a half days of sitting in a chair, the rear-The pig's paws went numb, and he almost fell on
floor, feeling a tickling tingling sensation in my hooves, I force-
causing him to grunt excitedly.
To warm up, Piglet took a balloon and made
Lalked two circles around the one standing in the corner from the year before last
New Year's tree - the first time with a song, the second time -
just with a smug grunt.
He became very, very bored.
He sat in a chair, lay on the bed, and finally
The man decided to go to Vinny and demand that the bear
nok finally created him a new toy with the indispensable
involving a pig.
He climbed into the Zaporozhets exchanged from Rabbit,
stuck his hooves into the holes in the bottom of the size
from the very bottom, began to carefully push off from the ground
you, simultaneously humming in imitation of a running motor and
turning the steering wheel. The steering wheel itself is not connected to the steering
was.
Winnie the Pooh sat gloomily in his plush
chair and created a new vile virus that was going to
throw it to the Bees.
Tigger got drunk yesterday with Vinnie, and
now with a growl he was rummaging through Vinnie’s junction box,
trying to connect the wires - Tigra had a terrible headache -
va.
- Hello, Piglet! - Winnie the Pooh said when
the pig, grunting joyfully, squeezed through the door
following the balloon.
- Hello, Vinny! - said Piglet to the thin one
voice, withclimbing with amazing agility
printer stand on the table - it never leaves the floor
I saw what was happening on the monitor. - What are you doing? Oh,
how many letters! And how many numbers! And one more thing
The little one is running! What is it, Vinny?
“The virus will be so nasty,” said Vinnie,
lazily tapping his paws on the keyboard. - I'll send it to the Bees -
This will make you laugh! Just don't tell anyone, otherwise
Do you know how Tiger loves pork cutlets?
“I’ll have to wipe my hooves with alcohol at home,”
thought Piglet, terribly afraid of any infection.
“Yes, I mean, I’m fine,” he said out loud. From
the mention of pork cutlets made his veins shake and
It became cold somewhere in the area of the vast stomach.
- That’s how I’m wondering, the files are better than infecting -
reap,” thought Vinny. - If I put the prog at the beginning -
RET frames, and I'll force the stack to look at the return address...
-Who will you make watch? - Piglet got scared,
who imagined something terrible.
“Stack,” said Winnie the Pooh.
“Yeah,” said Piglet understandingly and moved away
away from the monitor.
- Here... I’ll make him look at the return address-
Well, then the Bees will probably think that it’s just a ka-
make some mistake and they won’t notice anything. And if I put
first switch to the virus, like a procedure call, then Bees,
They'll probably think it's a small subroutine- and
They won't notice anything either. I think so.
- Yeah! - Piglet assented.
- Well, what are we going to put on? - asked Vinny.
-- I? And... Him... You know, Vinny, - said Pyat-
Chok decisively. - If someone there looks at someone -
to speak - this is very scary. Let's better give you the little one
desk... port... food program - anyway Bees are not
what they won't notice.
“The Truth speaks through the mouth of a pig,” said
Pooh is important, decisively lowering his paws onto the keyboard, and Pya-
the car turned noticeably red and began to drive out the left rear wheel
torturer in uncertain circles.
Chapter Six,
in which Eeyore beholds a cruel spectacle,
and Piglet turns out to be a cool hacker
The bees were indignant. Some kind of infection that
Ruyu was infused, according to intelligence data, by Winnie the Pooh and which
the best hackers of Oak could not catch it, got into the habit of
The Most Inopportune Time to Call Piglet via Modem,
dump him the Most Necessary Files from the software database
a large amount of honey from the Bees onto the Winchester and wash them at
The Bees themselves.
Piglet, apparently, is not involved in this case
was. Winnie the Pooh himself from being presented with an evil buzzing
over the phone, he refused to make accusations and claimed that in
Currently busy writing serious documentation
regarding the passage of the widely circulated
toys Indiana Jones and the Fate ofAtlantis.
In fact, Winnie the Pooh was developing
clever communication program, which I was going to
insert a secret bug for your own needs. It's busy
Tie consumed all his free time and all that was not free,
and the Bees fell silent for a while.
No one suspected better in the melancholic Eeyore...
th hacker Les, but nevertheless it was so. Eeyore for-
He was obsessed with breaking everything indiscriminately. Lomal Norton,
so that Link is turned on by pressing one key. Broke
Turbo C so that it stops looking like C and becomes
similar to Turbo Pascal. I even broke Command.Com to
DOS "dir" command output after file list
XXXXXXXX colucheck(s) XXXXXXX bytes free.
One day Winnie the Pooh, being very busy developing
some of its communication program SmartMiot, in it
I picked up the phone that was ringing and heard
at the other end is the neighing of a donkey.
“The bees are frolicking,” thought Vinny and wanted
throw the phone harder on the floor so that the residents of Oak will
They were probably deaf, but suddenly a friend heard him, almost crying.
Eeyore's voice "a heartbreaking spectacle - that's what it is
such... a tear-jerking spectacle - that's what they call it -
Yes!”
- Hello, Eeyore! - Winnie the Pooh said into the phone.
“Hello, Pooh Bear,” said Eeyore, a little
without crying.
-Why are you stealing? - asked Pooh.
- Yes, so - all sortspathetic, insignificant programs,
- said Eeyore. - Right now I’ll do it in Space Quest
V]I[ the password was not asked - and I will erase it byte-tearing-
great spectacle.
- Stop, stop! - Pooh yelled, furiously pounding
pipe on the table. - Where did you get it?
-- Whom? AFD? - Eeyore asked philosophically, preparing
about to roar.
--What AFD! Where did you get Space Eight?!
- At Piglet's, of course...
- How “of course”?! Where did he get it?
- He said, you’ve already seen... And that you promised him-
I wanted to transfer the sprites so that the pig would appear there
val... Pooh - if you want, I'll tell you that the sprites are there
in the second RESOURCE. And RESOURCE by OZEh is coded...
XOREN, I mean... Here... And the sprites are offset there
047AEh... In general, at the very beginning of the sprite there are: his
size, transparent color...
But Vinnie no longer listened to the donkey. Hung up on
floor, he dialed Piglet's number on another phone. U po-
Rosenka's phone was busy.
Vinnie grabbed the Mercedes keys from the table and
rushed out into the street.
For a long time he could not get the key into the keyhole.
the car, and then, changing lanes from row to row,
almost moved a dump truck hauling metal waste
from a nearby dump - the dump truck driver got off lightly
heart attack and wet pants.
Vinnie drove up to Piglet's house, on the door of which
it said "Do Not Ent...", andmade a sharp turn
having thrown Piglet's door with dry ones that had jumped out from under the wheels
leaves.
To his deepest surprise, Piglet meets
he didn't come out.
“Did he take a piss there, or what?” - thought Pooh,
showing slight irritation.
He kicked the door with his back paw and went inside.
Piglet, smoking a strong foreign cigar and slightly
coughing from the smoke, he sat importantly in a chair and lazily fumbled
by keyboard.
Pooh looked at the screen and his eyes went to
forehead: there was a Turbo Debugger on the screen.
- Hello, Piglet! - Vinnie said affably.
“Hello, Pooh,” said Piglet very importantly.
but... - Right now, wait, I’ll put a couple of BreakPoints and
let’s talk about life,” and he nodded his head at the bottle of port.
Wayne on the coffee table. “Right here...” he said.
running the selector to the suspicious one by freezing
CALL. “...and here,” and he deftly kicked a couple of times
hooves Ctrl-F8.
-What are you breaking? - Pooh was surprised.
“Windows fourth,” said Piglet, reset-
throwing ashes onto an ashtray-sculpture lying on the floor
"Piglet tears the mouth of the Tiger", presented to the proud
pig for SAVOY's birthday.
- So how? - asked Pooh.
- How... It sucks, brother... He's in Protected
Mode is scalding. Debugger attacks him - that's all,
count, press Reset...
- Where did you get all this?- interested -
Pooh was falling.
- Yes, so... I hung out with Eeyore all night yesterday -
lis... Will you have a portmanteau?
Returning home, Vinny hiccupped and, staggering,
walked up to the table. Then he noticed that the telephone receiver,
to whom he spoke with Eeyore, is still lying on the floor and
the nasal crying voice of Eeyore is heard there with frequent
with breaks for deep sobs: “This is what a baytoraz-
a stunning spectacle!"
Pooh picked up the phone and said into it:
- Eeyore, I’m listening, listening... Hello, you called
what?
“So the spectacle is devastating,” said
Eeyore, apparently wiping away large falling tears with his hoof.
- You’d better open a pub... Or a BBS... Me and
I came up with a name for you... it’s so chic... - Winnie the Pooh
thought for a moment. - "Donkey House BBS".
- What a devastating sight this is! - not uni-
Eeyore cried, and tears almost started dripping from the tube.
“Okay,” said Vinny, wiping his shoulder with his nose.
with a handkerchief. The donkey's tearfulness began to anger him. - I
I'll come see you sometime during the week. Maybe some thread
I’ll bring you a word-breaking spectacle.
Chapter Seven,
In which everyone falls on
innocent Heffalump
Winnie the Pooh CONNECTED with Rabbit's Nightmare
BBS, and discovered that he had received a private message from
Christopher Robin.
"For some reason you haven't written poetry for a long timewrote," wrote
Christopher Robin.
Vinnie scratched the back of his head with his paw and said
FrontD'e what he wants to answer.
“Shouter,” Vinnie typed and thought. He thought
long - forty-three seconds. Sly Rabbit thought that Vin-
neither went to ease his soul, and wanted to download his List to him,
but Vinnie hit him on the paws, typing “But-but, no-ba-
Luy! " Finally Vinnie got tired of thinking, he pressed the button -
ku "A", but did not let go, but began to hold, occasionally pressing
button "O".
This is the letter that came out:
"Shouter.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“That’s it,” thought Winnie the Pooh. - Plus I got it. Well
oh well. I give this moderator Rabbit all his face with pluses
I’ll force you if I see at least one plus...".
An inscription appeared that the Rabbit wants to do Chat.
“#$%# to you,” Pooh typed, and the Rabbit was scared
passed out.
He lazily rummaged through Rabbit's file arias and
messages, I didn’t find anything interesting for myself and did
Logoff, leaving Rabbit a message that for every plus from
rips off his ear.
When Logoff, a message appeared on the screen that Cro-
face opened a new BBS "Iron Ears". Winnie the Pooh was surprised and
dialed the specified number. It happened right therecompound.
“Hello, everyone,” read the inscription on the screensaver,
depicting either armored ears or an elongated
vertical bra. - This is Rabbit's new BBS, working-
based on his own system Front Morkovka Door V1.0. Version
debugging room, so you’ll probably hang right now.”
Winnie the Pooh was even more surprised and pressed the first button.
fallen key.
“Right now I’ll display a list of our users, and you
indicate who you are, said BBS. -Are you Rabbit?
Winnie the Pooh pressed "N".
"Christopher Robin?" - asked BBS.
“N,” Pooh pressed.
"Tiger?" - BBS did not let up.
“N!” - Pooh almost screamed.
"Piglet?" - demanded the BBS.
Pooh got angry and slammed his left paw on the key.
"N".
“Why aren’t you on the list?” asked the BBS. Vin-
neither pressed “Y” in relief.
"Then select the first letter of your name:
Eh?"...
Winnie the Pooh entered his name only up to the letter "P".
Then he got tired of it all and logged into the BBS for more
times. Under the name Piglet. Piglet's password was the same everywhere
nakovy: either "ZHELUDD" or "HRUHRU". On "ZHELUDD"
Winnie the Pooh was not enough, but he scored "HRUHRU" in comparison
really quickly. BBS almost sighed with relief and stated
fork:
"MAIN MENU.
Are we going to merge the files?"
“N,” Vinnie replied.
“Should I fill it?” - it appeared hopefully on the screen.
no.
"N" - repeatedVinnie.
"Shall we watch the Message aria?"
"N".
"Show me the statistics?"
"N".
“What, should I go out or something?”
“Y,” Vinny typed with relief.
He did not leave a message for the sysop.
“I should kick his metal ears,” I thought.
small Winnie the Pooh about the Rabbit. - “What a mockery.”
And he called Eeyore.
Eeyore's phone sounded like a telefax.
Obviously, the stupid donkey decided to please someone by...
a tearing spectacle.
Winnie the Pooh spat on the monitor and immediately wiped it off
right paw.
He called himself from another phone, from
Caller ID, made sure that the number was not recognized at all, and
began to call over the hill, to the neighboring Forest.
There was nothing interesting lying there. For warming up
modem Vinny downloaded Turbo Pascal 7.21 Beta Release, and
reached into the refrigerator for ice - from excessive zeal
The modem became white hot.
Meanwhile, Christopher Robin did not let up -
claims for lost money came to nothing. After
as he privately ran around the entire forest, he became suspicious
roar everyone, and Eeyore - to the greatest extent.
Christopher Robin began to become suspicious
telny things: then suddenly the printer became overexcited and
started printing a payment order to Christopher Robin
from Christopher Robin, with the signature of Christopher himself
Robina was made like thisqualitatively, what if he
carried payments to the bank, and did not put them in a paper shredder -
new car, they would certainly be performed there.
Obviously, a virus unknown to science was causing mischief, but
Christopher Robin himself did not know how to treat anything, but anti-virus
I didn’t want to use Russian programs because I didn’t
I believed neither in them nor in viruses.
Meanwhile, the infection multiplied and multiplied - then
suddenly, when loading, an obscene message appeared on the screen
animated picture - Christopher Robin riding Kanga
or on SAVE in the appropriate form, or by dialing numbers
everywhere, anywhere, the required numbers were not dialed, but instead
They were substituted with the number Pi squared or cubed.
Christopher Robin was seriously tired of all this, and he
called Winnie the Pooh.
Thirty-one telephones of the bear cub were busy, and
thirty-two didn’t answer for a long time, until finally he was on the phone
Pooh’s drunken voice was not heard: “Ale...”.
- Hello, Vinnie! - said Christopher Robin
worthy. - Well, did you leak it?
“Leaked it,” said Winnie the Pooh detachedly. - Right now
I'll go add some more salt... Oh...
- No, Vinnie, I say, Space Quest VIII
leaked?
“Take it from Pyatak,” said Vinnie.
- Which Pyatak? - Christopher Robin did not understand.
- This boar has... Which debugger tra...
I mean, it hurts.
“Tell me, Vinny,” Christopher Ro began timidly.
bin. - Only honestly!
- YesI! Yes to me! Yes I have! - was heard on
the other end of the line.
- Got it, got it, Vinny, what am I saying... Say-
tell me honestly, Pooh, you don’t know - not at all
by chance! - who took forty million from me?
A hiss was heard at the other end: Vinnie, in
on whose plush head sawdust was angrily tossing and turning,
responsible for conscience, I felt not very
co.
“Who knows...” said Vinnie finally.
-Who do you think I suspect?
-- Whom? - Vinny asked suspiciously, starting
sober up.
- Well guess what.
- A heffalump, maybe? - Vinnie asked with hope.
doy.
Christopher Robin hesitated. The Heffalump was not
more than a figment of his imagination, but nevertheless with this
Christopher Robin did not want to meet with the fetus and did not meet
was looking for.
- Heffalump? - asked Christopher Robin with a som-
Negence. He imagined how a huge beast was gaining
password on a huge keyboard, how it is pumped
laundered forty million and how the Heffalump breaks out
with a terrible laugh, and Christopher Robin felt a chill go through his skin.
same.
“Or maybe a Heffalump,” he said.
- Maybe, maybe, everything is possible! - said delighted -
ny Winnie the Pooh. - Three days ago you know how he told me everything
chopped the wires... with a tusk...
“Yes,” said Christopher Robin. - If it's Slo-
but the money is gone...- Whose grandmother? - Vinnie was surprised.
- Yes, so, the expression is... Well, okay... You
call when you merge Space Quest VIII... Or he, you say,
at Piglet's?
“Well, yes,” said Vinny. - Okay, come on,
Hang-Up faster, don’t take up the line... - And he, joyfully
Rubbing his paws, he hung up.
Chapter Eight,
In which the Heffalump himself appears
Vinny calmly walked up to his modem and touched
galled him with his paw. The modem was hot like Winnie the Pooh after
last year's Bee chase. Vinny went to the kitchen and got wet
water a towel and put it on the modem.
- Cool down, cool down quickly! - he asked out loud.
- Borland C++ 7.82 needs to be merged...
Despite persuasion, the modem does not cool down faster
became.
Winnie the Pooh went to the kitchen again and poured a bucket
water...
In the morning of the Tiger, going to my place at Lesnaya Telefonnaya
Station, noticed near Three Pines, very, very strange
traces - they looked different from what Winnie the Pooh had on
at this point the springs burst and he spent the rest of the journey
"Mercedes" was simply jumping on its belly (like Kanga), or
that the Rabbit was dragging a healthy bag of cabbage here. But
the cabbage had been collected a long time ago, and then it was impossible for the Rabbit
tear him away from his BBS, and even more so, send him to
agricultural work.
The tiger looked at the tracks with a purr, shook the striped
shoulders and wagging tail,went on.
Near the Forest Telephone Station itself, he
discovered an even stranger picture: in the thickets
bushes, which SAVA called the English lawn,
a huge clearing had been trampled, and there were
Thin trees have been knocked down.
Tigger looked around and rubbed
bristling mustache and walked to the door.
There was a note from SAVA hanging on the door. Tiger
I couldn’t read, so I didn’t bother to read it, so as not to
strain your brains and not spread it like in the past
times, rumors about Spotted Schasvirnus.
He went inside, drank from the kettle of water and
called Christopher Robin.
“Hello, hello, Tigger,” they said in a voice
Christopher Robin on the phone.
“What am I doing,” Tigger, as always, immediately
got down to business. - Here is a note from SAVA - come,
must read.
-Can’t you do it yourself? - they asked sarcastically on the phone.
“I could also do it,” Tigger answered proudly and
bit off the phone hose.
Fueled by curiosity, Christopher Robin arrived
in ten minutes.
-What kind of note? - he asked from the threshold: the door
was open inward, and the note was not visible from the street,
otherwise Tigger would have been the last to recognize her text in the Forest.
“Yes, she’s a phot,” said Tigger with his mouth full,
Chewing a towel in a hurry: the question is, what is it?
Tigers still eatwas not closed.
- And that’s all? - Christopher asked disappointedly
Robin, reading the note.
- What's there? - Tigger asked politely.
- And here it says “Read on the back. SAVA.” A!
Read on the back! How could I not have guessed it right away?
The note was torn off and on the back was read:
"In deep connection with the short stay-
to her unknown science and to me personally a large-sized beast in
Lesu considers it our duty to emigrate to the neighboring Les,
as the first part of the Forest Intili... (long and continuing
personal praise for SAVA and culturally intelligent
curses addressed to the aforementioned beast).
With respect,
SAVA."
- SAVA! Beast! Neighboring Forest! - shouted
The tiger swung its tail like crazy.
- Tigger, what kind of animal is she talking about? -
Christopher Robin was scared.
With a dull rumbling that seemed
published throughout the Forest, to the Forest Telephone Station
an ominous shadow has fallen...
Winnie the Pooh just started downloading libraries
from Borland C++ 7.82, when suddenly the connection was lost, and the modem
declared that he no longer wanted to go into the quarry.
- What are they doing there, are they crazy, or what? - surprised
Winnie the Pooh and picked up the phone.
There was deathly silence on the line.
Winnie the Pooh was offended and pulled the wire, but the phone
didn't speak. All the other forty were also silentsix
lines.
Pooh was offended again and went to see Kanga.
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