Anecdotes - humor.

   JOKES!


                   Part 1. SOME FACTS.

1. Stirlitz woke up in a prison cell. He didn't remember at all
how did you get here, what is the date today and what is the government in the city.
After much thought, he finally decided that if he entered
Gestapo man, you will have to say: “Heil Hitler, I -
SS Standartenführer von Stirlitz", and if a Soviet soldier enters
introduce yourself: “I am Colonel Isaev.”  At this moment it enters
The policeman says: “Well, you got drunk yesterday, comrade.”
Tikhonov".

2. “Stirlitz,” Muller said wearily, “you got away when we
We found your fingers on the suitcase of a Russian pianist. you
got away when we found them on the phone receiver
government communications.  But now you can’t get away! Why
Does your ID smell like Russian vodka?!!
 “You know, Muller,” Stirlitz answered no less tiredly, “when
Schellenberg put a stamp on my ID, he first
breathed on her.

3. Hitler receives Mussolini in his office. Suddenly the door
swings open, Stirlitz enters, not paying attention to anyone,
goes to the safe, opens it with his key and starts rummaging through
silently, throwing unnecessary documents on the floor.
 - Who is this? - the Duce asks in surprise.
 “Russian intelligence officer Isaev,” the Fuhrer answers in an indifferent tone,
We are listed as Stirlitz.- So why don't you arrest him?
 - Oh, he’ll get away anyway.

4. By the end of the war, Germany's position had deteriorated sharply. It is necessary
buy sausages.  However, Stirlitz, contrary to all norms of behavior,
I always took it without waiting in line. The Gestapo were very indignant at this. They
did not yet know that Heroes of the Soviet Union are served outside
queues.

5. On February 23, Stirlitz put on his old, favorite Budenovka, took
holding the red flag in his hands and, singing revolutionary songs, went to
Reich Chancellery. On this day he was closer than ever to failure.

6. a) Stirlitz received encryption. Having read it, he burned it, after which
spat on the floor and blew his nose into the curtain.  The encryption was
it says: “The task is completed, you can relax a little.”
b) Stirlitz did not show up for work for a week. Sent to search
The Gestapo found him at the dacha, drunk to the point of insensibility and
lying on the floor among vodka bottles. Lying nearby
encryption: "The task was completed successfully, you can relax."

7. A car drove up to Stirlitz’s dacha.  Müller emerged from it
accompanied by a platoon of Gestapo men. He knocked on the door. "Who do you want
do you need it?” they asked from behind the door.  “I need Stirlitz,” said
Muller.  “I’m not at home,” Stirlitz answered from behind the door. Muller
cursed, got into the car and drove away. So Stirlitz is already the third week
led the Gestapo by the nose.

8. Stirlitz entered the Elefant cafe. "This is Stirlitz, now it will befight," said one of the visitors. Stirlitz drank a cup of coffee and
came out.  “No,” objected the second visitor, “this is not Stirlitz.”
“No, Stirlitz!” shouted the first. And then the fight started.

9. Stirlitz walked through Berlin. Muller recognized him as a Soviet
scout, but not at the PPSh casually thrown over his shoulder, and not at
a parachute dragging behind, and according to the Bolshevichka factory mark,
which they forgot to rip from the inside pocket of their jacket
Russian carelessness.

10. Muller calls Stirlitz and says: “Tomorrow is communist
subbotnik, attendance is required." Stirlitz answers "Yes" and, understanding,
that he failed, sits down at the table and, not noticing the surprised
Müller's view, writes: "I, Standartenführer von Stirlitz, actually
I am actually a Soviet intelligence officer." Muller, having read this
report, calls Schellenberg and says: “Walter, come in,
Look what your people come up with so that they don’t
walk."

11. Hitler’s call to Stalin: “Stalin, your people did not take from me
Secret documents from the safe?" - "I'll find out."
 Stalin's call to Stirlitz: "Stirlitz, you took from Hitler's safe
secret documents?" - "That's right, Comrade Stalin." - "So
put it down, people are worried."

12. -What color are my panties? - asked Muller.
 “Red,” Stirlitz answered without hesitation.
 - So you got caught! - Müller exclaimed, - The color of my panties
only me knowsRussian pianist!
 “Don’t be a fool, Muller,” Stirlitz answered calmly, “and
zip up your fly.

13. Stirlitz was informed that his son was born in Russia. Stingy
a man's tear rolled out of his eye. Stirlitz was not in his homeland
for seven years now.

14. The pastor threw himself out of the window for the fifth time. The poison had no effect.

15. Stirlitz entered the office and saw Muller in a budenovka,
sitting on the table and playing the balalaika. "Yes, Stirlitz, -
Müller said melancholy, “You’re not the only one who yearns for your homeland.”

16. "What is two and two?"  - asked Muller. Stirlitz
thought about it.  He, of course, knew how much two times two would be, he knew
this was recently reported from the center, but he did not know whether it knew
Muller.   And if he knows, who told him?  Maybe
Kaltebruner? Then negotiations with Dulles reached a dead end.

17. Himmler calls his employee.
 - Name a two-digit number.
 - 45.
 - Why not 54?
 - because 45!
 Himmler writes the characteristic “Nordic character” and calls
next.
 - Name a two-digit number.
 - 28.
 - Why not 82?
 - You can, of course, have 82, but 28 is better.
 Himmler writes the characteristic “character is close to Nordic” and
calls the next one.
 - Name a two-digit number.
 - 33.
 - Why not... Oh, it’s you, Stirlitz.

18. a) - Stirlitz, you are a Jew!
 - What are you talking about, Muller, I’m Russian.
 b) - Stirlitz, you are a Jew!
 - What are you talking about, Muller, I’m Russian.
 - And I -German.

19. "Heil Hitler!" - said Stirlitz, entering Muller’s office.
“Stirlitz,” Muller answered irritably, “if you don’t give up these
Kinchev’s habits, I’ll write to “Soviet Culture.”

20. "Stirlitz, do you know these boots?"  - asked Muller.
Stirlitz would recognize these boots from a thousand. They were made of leather
Pastor Schlag.

21. Stirlitz was walking through Berlin and saw the inscription “Stirlitz -
fool."  He was the only one who realized that he had been awarded the title of Hero
Soviet Union.

22. April 1945. Germany's defeat is obvious. Hitler walks
throughout the Reich Chancellery and sees the same picture everywhere: officers
they get drunk and don’t even pay attention to their Fuhrer. But
entering one of the offices, Hitler discovers Stirlitz, who
sits at the table and works. Seeing the head of the Third Reich, Stirlitz
jumps up, raises his hand and shouts: “Heil Hitler!” B
The Fuhrer wearily says: “Maksimych, at least you don’t
teased."

23. Muller was racing at breakneck speed in the car. And he walked nearby
Stirlitz, pretending that he is taking a walk.

24. “Stirlitz, if you don’t pay for electricity, we will turn off
radio for you."

25. Stirlitz went for mushrooms, but found nothing and stuck his face in
in the snow.

26. - Stirlitz, shouldn’t we take off the babs? - asked Muller.
 - Come on, let them hang. - Stirlitz answered.

27. There was a quiet knock on Borman's door.
 -Who's there? - asked Borman.
 Because ofthe door heard: “Camels are going to the East.”
 - Camels go to hell.., Stirlitz lives on the floor above - irritated
Borman answered.

                  Part 2. STIRLITZ THINKS.

1. Stirlitz walked along the banks of the Spree and saw him sitting with a fishing rod
person.  "How's the bite?"  - asked Stirlitz. “Okay,” replied
man. “Fisherman,” guessed Stirlitz.

2. Stirlitz walked along the corridor. “But this is Stirlitz coming,” I thought
Muller. “Yes, it’s me coming,” thought Stirlitz.

3. Stirlitz saw people in Soviet military uniforms and camouflage suits
and with machine guns. “Scouts,” Stirlitz guessed.

4.a) Stirlitz walked with radio operator Kat through the park. Someone shot Kat in
head. “They’re shooting,” thought Stirlitz.
 b) Stirlitz walked with radio operator Kat through the park. There's a shot, Kat.
fell, bleeding. Stirlitz became wary.

5. Stirlitz walked along Red Square and saw irons. "Irons," -
thought Stirlitz. “Weak skew under the bundes,” thought the irons.

6. Muller walked through the Reich Chancellery and saw Stirlitz standing
in front of Himmler's door.  "Stirlitz, what are you doing here?" -
"I'm waiting for the tram." After walking a little further, Müller turned around. Stirlitz is not
it was. “Apparently he waited,” Muller decided.

7. On Monday, Stirlitz was led to execution. "Yes, it's hard
the week begins,” thought Stirlitz.

8. Stirlitz was riding on a tram and saw Muller tinkering with the engine
your car.  After some time the situation repeated itself. On
tenthrepeating, Stirlitz guessed: “circular route.”

9. Stirlitz walked through Berlin and saw prostitutes. "Leisure time," -
thought Stirlitz.

10. a) Stirlitz saw an avalanche and thought: “Poor pastor, he
I never learned to whistle."
 b) Stirlitz saw an avalanche and thought: “Poor pastor, he
I never learned to ski."

11. Buds were hanging on the trees. “Again, Gestapo tricks,” I thought
Stirlitz.

                   Part 3. PUNS.

1. The Gestapo men parked the car. “Poor pastor,” thought
Stirlitz.

2. Stirlitz shot at point-blank range, the point-blank fell.

3. There was a blast from the window. Stirlitz went to the window. The muzzle disappeared.

4. The lamp was on, but did not provide light.  Stirlitz turned off the lamp and
She gave light.

5. Radio operator Kat got into the car and stepped on the gas. She didn't know that Gas
works for the Abwehr.

6. Stirlitz ran in leaps and bounds. Soon the pitching men fell behind.

7. Stirlitz knew for sure. But I probably didn’t know Stirlitz.

8. Stirlitz put his hand in his pocket. “This is the end, but where is the gun?” -
flashed through his mind. The gun was in another pocket.

9.a) Stirlitz opened the safe and took out Muller’s note. Muller loud
screamed and resisted.
b) Stirlitz gave Muller a subscription. Muller howled in pain.

10.a) Stirlitz fell from the tenth floor and miraculously caught on to the balcony.
The miracle was swollen and made it difficult to walk.
 b) Stirlitz was attacked by five SS men. Two people held his hands
two - legs, one - head. Stirlitz miraculously fought back.  Miracle was sick
three days andmade it difficult to walk.

11. Stirlitz walked down the street and looked up. Those were blue eyes
Pastor Schlag.

12. Stirlitz shot Muller in the head. The bullet bounced off.  "Armor-
howl,” thought Stirlitz.

13. The bullet hit Stirlitz in the head. “Explosive,” - having thought through
gami, Stirlitz guessed.

14. Stirlitz fell from the fourteenth floor. Spread so wide
he hasn't had a chance to use his brains yet.

15. Stirlitz fired from two machine guns in turn. The line was noticeable
thinned out.

16. Stirlitz bent over the map. He had never vomited so much before
Homeland.

17. Stirlitz crossed his legs. The next day, foot by foot
taken by the Gestapo.

18. Stirlitz sat down in a chair. The Raskoryak started up and drove off.

19. Stirlitz came out of the sea and lay down on the pebbles. Svetka was offended and went away
la.

20. Stirlitz had a chill. Chill served in the Gestapo.

21. Stirlitz, Bormann and Hitler play preference.
 Stirlitz: "Stalingrad."
 Hitler: "What, again?!"

22. Stirlitz got up early and pulled the curtain. He didn't know that
Early in the morning and Curtain - Romanian intelligence officers.

23. The Gestapo surrounded all the exits, but Stirlitz came out through the entrance.

24. Stirlitz sent Mueller to his ass. The next day to his ass
The Gestapo arrived.

25. Stirlitz jumped out the window in an instant. "MIG" roared and disappeared into the
lacs.

26. Stirlitz lit the stove. An hour later the stove sank.

27. Stirlitz waddled. He didn't know that Razvalka was closed.

28. Stirlitz was skipping. They served beer at Jump.

29. Stirlitzwalked through the forest and saw blue spruce trees. Coming closer he
I noticed that they were also drinking.

30. Having met the Gestapo, Stirlitz pulled out a saber and shouted: “Po-
I rub!" The Gestapo men chipped in a ruble and ran away.

31. Stirlitz regained control of himself and soon fell asleep.

32. Stirlitz went to bed and, a little later, fell asleep.

33. Lead was flying towards Stirlitz. Stirlitz turned the corner.  Lead with
rushed past with a grunt.

34. Stirlitz put his hat on one side. He went home without a hat.

35. The room stank. Stirlitz entered the room. No one else stank
I haven't seen it.

36. “Touch it,” Stirlitz said to the driver. “Wow,” said the driver, touching it.

37. a) Muller revealed Stirlitz’s appearance, but got hit in the face and
I no longer took other people's cigarettes.
 b) Stirlitz walked around the city in search of an appearance, but only came across
"Prima" and "Rhodopi".

38. Stirlitz was talking nonsense. The nonsense squealed erotically.

39. Stirlitz arrived at the Gestapo tipsy and placed him cheerfully under the
us of Mueller's office.

40. Stirlitz went to the toilet, the toilet was bubbling. Connector Burlilo
conveyed new information.

41. Stirlitz fought with passion. Ogonyok fought as best he could. And Mog was
professional.

42. Stirlitz walked through the forest and ran into a branch. Bitches squealing
ran away. Screech ran ahead of everyone.

43. a) Stirlitz shot at the blind. The blind woman fell down as if knocked down.
Stirlitz shot the decimated woman the day before.
 b) Stirlitz shot at the blind. The blind woman fell backwards. Screech
squeaked and ran away.