Tales #02 - Rescue 911: Recorded LsD HUITER from the words of two cats and one dog.

Recorded by LsD HUUTER from the words of two cats and one dog. 

Rescue 911.

Host: This is a program about the brave... Well, maybe not very... Well
okay, not really... Well, okay, not at all brave people and
alcoholics.   Today in our program you will see the case
Munchkin maniac, typical alcoholic.
 
The victim's mother, an alcoholic: This evening I sat by the fireplace and
I drank great French wine... Well, okay, I sipped
beer... Well, why are you so attached? So what if it was vodka?..
Yes!  It was moonshine, but there still wasn’t much difference. Our
Munchkin is a quiet town... Well, let them shoot, but only once
at one hour... Well, at half an hour... Well at a quarter... And our mansion
stands on the outskirts.  Let it look more like a backlash closet, we
we prefer to call it a mansion. I am an experienced alcoholic,
Therefore, I did not pay attention to the fact that there was a knock on the door. We are
Experienced alcoholics usually don’t pay attention to a knock on the door.
But there was a knock on the door again and I decided to check if mine was still there.
beloved cat Masha.  Why does the cat have a Russian name? We are old
alcoholics love Russia. There was no cat and I thought that
shejumped out of the basement window - I haven’t let her in for two years now
eat and drink and don’t let me go outside. You know, cats can
sometimes it’s boring to sit for two years without water or food. When I
opened the door, I saw in front of me an alcoholic maniac.

Alcoholic maniac: It was me, but then I didn’t know that I was
alcoholic maniac.  I wanted to commit suicide and was looking for an awl.
When an old alcoholic woman opened the door for me, I asked her
awl.

The victim’s mother, an alcoholic: I didn’t understand why
the alcoholic maniac wants my daughter, she said that Sheila is not at home, and
asked why he needed her.

Alcoholic maniac: I said that I want to commit suicide.

The victim’s mother, an alcoholic: I immediately realized that this was not
an ordinary alcoholic maniac, but James Bond. He was hiding something. I
I told him to wait, my daughter is a good psychologist, and
will prevent him from committing suicide.

James Bond: I have nothing in common with an alcoholic maniac.

Sheela, victim: I am a good psychologist, my job is to
about not giving alcoholic maniacs, especially James
Bonds, commit suicide.

Alcoholic maniac: I have nothing in common with James Bond.

Shila, victim: When I approached my house, I saw
that the mother is talking with an alcoholic maniac who looks typical
James Bond. Iwent up to him and asked if he considered himself
James Bond or Freddy Mepkypu.

Freddy Mepkypu: I was already dead for several years.

Freddy Krueger: I have no relation to Freddy Mepkypu. I
I love children.

Alcoholic maniac: I said that I don’t know who they are and I don’t have
nothing to do with them.  And I also said what I want to do
suicide and plant an awl to the very heart.

The victim's mother, an alcoholic: When he said he wanted
hit Sheela right to the heart, I realized that it was very
sexual maniac and decided to call the rescuers.

Sheila, victim: I thought that a person who doesn’t know
who is James Bond, probably a very dangerous maniac and screamed.

Alcoholic maniac: I thought I must be very sexy
maniac.

Passerby: I saw James Bond and got scared.

Alcoholic maniac: I saw that a passerby was scared and thought,
that I turned into an alien and stole someone's sister
Mulder.  I decided that I needed to look in the mirror and decided
ask the old alcoholic to bring me a mirror as well.

Sheela, victim: While a very dangerous maniac was thinking, I
slipped through the door and barricaded herself from the inside because
Since I was inside, it was not possible to barricade myself outside.

The victim’s mother, an alcoholic: I finally got through to the service
salvation, otherwise I was already afraid that Sheilawill become a victim.

Dispatcher: I was chewing gum and suddenly there was a bell. From
Unexpectedly, I inhaled the gum and barely said “help!” in
telephone handset.

Mother of the victim, an alcoholic: When I heard “help!” I
I thought that the rescue service was attacked by Very Sexy Maniacs
and have already planted the dispatcher to the heart.

Dispatcher: Two rescuers came up to me, Bob and John, they
They asked me to clearly say what was wrong with me.

Bobi John: We asked her to tell me what was wrong with her. Clearly.

Dispatcher: I couldn’t say what was wrong with me.

Bob and John: We realized that she wants to get her ass pounded
heart.

Dispatcher: They hit me right to the heart and at this time
the gum flew out of the windpipe.

Bob and John: The dispatcher screamed and we realized that she didn’t want to
so that she could be stabbed right to the heart.

Dispatcher: It turned out that the call was from a woman whose daughter is very
The Sexual Maniac tried to hit you right to the heart.

Bob: We immediately left and took off like the wind. Rush like
the wind is our work.  Along the way we knocked down two cats and one
dog.  While John was giving them mouth-to-mouth artificial respiration, I
gave them enemas and applied all first aid methods to them,
which I studied at school.

John: Bob did well in school. And I love making artificial things
mouth to mouth breathing.Especially cats and dogs.

Cats and dogs: We like to be given mouth-to-mouth breathing.

Bob and John: We had a good time with the cats and dogs and
We went to help the daughter of an old alcoholic. We love daughters
old alcoholics.

Alcoholic maniac: I still haven’t gotten an awl, a mirror, and
kept knocking on the door of the old alcoholic's house.

Bob and John: When we pulled up to the old alcoholic's house, we
They saw James Bond knocking on her door. We appreciated
situation and asked James Bond to help us break down the door,
because we are rushing to the rescue.

Alcoholic Maniac: I saw Chip and Dale rushing to the rescue and
they ask me to help them break down the door. I didn't resist.

Bob and John: It's not every day you see a living James Bond.

Sheela, victim: The pressure on the door increased three times. I
I realized that I would still become a victim.

Mother of the victim, an old alcoholic: I clearly realized that
there will be no more rescuers.

Bob, John and the alcoholic maniac: We finally broke down the door.

Sheila, victim: When Chip, Dale and James burst through the door
Bond, I realized that I was going to be raped.

Bob and John: We realized that this was a false call and no very
There is no Sexual Maniac and the old daughter was raped out of anger
alcoholics.

Alcoholic maniac: I joined.

Bob: It was entertaining.

John:Yes, it was entertaining.

Maniac Alcoholic: Mmm... It was more than entertaining. I
decided to postpone suicide.

The victim's mother, an old alcoholic: And then we drank tea.

James Bond: I don't care at all.

Freddy Mepkypu: I really like rescuers and James Bond.
It's a pity that I've been dead for several years now.

Freddy Krueger: And I love children.

Host: As you can see, once again these people are crazy
devoted to their profession, cats, dogs, and also daughters
old alcoholics, courageously fulfilled their duty. CALM
NIGHT AND GOOD DREAMS!!! HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!

Freddy Krueger: I have absolutely nothing to do with this. I love children.

 ###### 

So, while I was laughing at the story that happened with
tpycukamu Svetka, the daughter of a diplomat, who has had a lot of things happen
years ago, my friend came, or rather flew like a bullet, to my house.
And in a rather strange form - covered in some kind of white greasy
xpehobuhe, staining his suit, mixture on his face
disappointment and some kind of idiotic grin, a little blurred
a fingerprint, apparently female, obtained
under the influence (as I guessed absolutely correctly) of his
young lady living in the next entrance... So, he's passing by
me without saying hellostraight into the bathroom, throws off his hat
soiled suit into the bath and, turning on the hot water, begins his
story..

And the egoic story begins with what recently happened in ru.sex
campaign dedicated to diversity in sexual life. And everyone
the old wise rule is known - “If life is too busy,
sexual function is weakening!  And here he is, the cunning one, having misread
pycekcy, I came across the idea that his sexual life is boring,
npecha and is subject to immediate diversity and without it threatens
get sick.  

Having gone through several ideas, ranging from sex by candlelight surrounded
lots of mirrors, blindfolded sex and the like,
he, without further ado, decided to fix his gaze on such
bullshit, like _whipped_cream_ in an aerosol package. I really don't
I remember who the author of this letter with advice was, but friend
said that he would scan the echo, find the letter and inflict the strictest
disassembly to the one who had the misfortune of advising them to spray them
a thin layer on the forms of his girlfriend, which, by the way,
nothing at all, and then start licking and eating them
cream..

So, what went wrong with him - I don’t even know if he
I used too much cream, or the cream turned out to be stale, or they gave it away
some kind of chemical reaction upon contact with the skinexcited young lady,
or something else unknown, but after licking off a good half
the notorious cream made him terribly sick, he started vomiting
urges.. Desperately trying to restrain them, so much so that my eyes barely
don't fall out of his orbit, he, naive, thought of rushing to the toilet to
"white friend".. But that was not the case! The young lady who needs
I suppose it was very pleasant and which is quite
I got overexcited when I saw his bulging eyes and whispered in
in a fit of passion: - Oh!  A!  Are you cumming?! and, wrapping his arms around him and
with her feet, planted a burning kiss on him with her lips... And this
turned out to be the last straw.. For he, unable to endure any longer,
collapsed, or even more correctly, vomited out the contents
of your stomach, completely crazy with passion and novelty
feelings for a friend.

No, just imagine the whole comedy of the situation - vomiting
naked girl hugging her boyfriend with remarkable strength,
who, having absolutely no control over the situation, and suffering from wild
spasms, generously pours the contents of his stomach onto her...

Well, it’s not at all difficult to imagine what happens next... Namely, how
offended to the depths (and from the depths, what is the kalabmypchik, sir?)
the girl hits him in the face and quickly wipes her
stained with cream mixed with substance, an hour earlier
also former cream, and nowgenerously diluted with gastric
juice, the body with his costume, and, abundantly seasoning his
actions with profanity, throws him out the door..

That's it, gentlemen.

 ###### 

This story was told to me by a drunk in a parking lot. Let's call him
for definiteness Gosha. This was in 1987. "I'm fucking an ass
I sensed it was going to be bullshit... It all started so smoothly.
Then this washed-up fagot approached us in Valkom and said:
 - You guys are smart guys, bring me a car from the Tushino market.
Steal and deliver to Zelenograd to the Elektron cinema at
Youth Square. I’ll give you 60 rubles there and pick up the car.
 Well, Valk Fule and I - the work is not dusty, 300 hazel grouse per snout.
There will even be a lot.  We decided to call a third one.  Like three of us
safer, and 200 per nose is just right. This is where, fuck, we
missed. They called fat Vitka. He, bitch, fucked up everything.
Anyway, damn, we came to the market on Saturday. I'm with Vitko - on
nix, and Valek used a ruler to open the car (shock, in my opinion), start it,
and we are in it - fuck - and off we go. We arrived in Zelik to Youth Square.
We began to wait for that fagot.  And he, bitches, is still not there. That's it
then we realized that he, the bastard, was waiting for us to fuck off and he
He'll take the car for free. But we didn’t think about it then.
In short, damn, we're tired of waiting for our money. Vitek twice already
went for beer.   In short, we took the mumblings from the taxi driver and
we got really excited about the tomatoes.  We thought, fuck, fag, we got money
will give and the drink will pay off. Then Valek says:
- Fule, they say, wait for this fagot! Fuck him, let's go home
We all lived in Degunino).
How to go?  By bus - there is no money. Decided on pussy
wheelbarrow.  Sit down, let's go.  All the way to the roundabout. Then Valek became
Taxiing from Leningradka onto the ring is a crap shoot, and we’re in a ditch. Dates
Well everyone was there. Good thing they haven't turned over yet.
Valk and I got out and started pushing the car out of the mud with our hands. A
Vitek, you fucking bitch, fell asleep in the back seat, even in the balls
Loopy. In short, the two of us are struggling. Suddenly - the cops.
 - What are we doing, citizens?
 “Well,” I say, “the fagot took it upon himself to give us a lift, and he himself
What a weird thing he did, he flew into a ditch.
 “Where,” they say, “is the fag?”
 “Yes, I went to look for a tug,” Valek realized. Smart, blah,
Valek is a guy.
Well, the cops came back and forth and began to wait for the driver. Nobody, dammit, isn't
comes.  Then they say, they say, there’s nothing looming here, let’s
We will get the car to the traffic police post.  Valk and I say,
come on, come on, and we'll go our own way. Steel Vitka,
fucking hog, drag him out of the cabin. He, bitch, sleeps like a log,
and the weight in it is 150 kilos or more. We're fucked withValkom, and
drunkenly decided that we shouldn’t squirm, let him sleep, since
ate for three. They left, and the cops drove the car together to Vitkoy to the traffic police, which
next to Leningradka on the Moscow Ring Road, which means they dragged me away.
Well, fuck, this bitch slept until the night.  And at night (it was autumn)
it got very cold.  The traffic cops in the booth were afraid that this hog
freezes in his sleep and drags him towards him. Left in a back alley and
left. It would be better, damn, he really froze.
And in the morning this whore woke up. Looks - there are cops around, and out the window
he sees that the fucking car is parked in the cop parking lot. He, fuck,
fucked it up, and how he squeals:
- Goshka and Valka came up with it all, I only found out later that
stolen car!
The cops went crazy. That's it. Two years probation. Drank, blah,
mumbling. Damn, I knew in my ass that it would turn out to be bullshit..."

 ###### 

This happened in one district hospital.  They bring a man to
intensive care unit, they pulled me out of the loop, like he hanged himself and it was unsuccessful. Well,
has been pumped out.  Two weeks later they bring the same guy again, and
The funny thing is that he ends up on duty of the same
the doctor who pumped him out last time. They pumped it out again. God
loves the trinity.  The third time, history repeats itself unchanged.
The doctor could not stand it and asks the unfortunate man after the procedure
pumping out:
- How can you do that?hang yourself?
“How-how, like this,” and points to himself, so
a makeshift rope passes directly under the chin.
- Who hangs himself like that? It’s not necessary, but like this. - And the doctor
shows how it should be done.
This guy was never brought to the hospital again.

 ###### 


In the spring of 1997, I was with a group of Russian boys in Finland. Here
Once the dates took us to the island of Suomenlinna. Who doesn't know -
this is our former Sveaborg, with fortresses, cannons and others
attributes.  We sailed there on a boat and the first thing we did was take
us to a restaurant located directly under the fortress arches.
All around are ancient bricks, rusty chains, wormwood and the harsh northern
wind, inside there is complete civilization.
Before eating, we obviously rushed to the toilet, which is there
of course, European class.
So they bring there under the arms of one Ryazan guy, who with
the Moscow-Helsinki plane itself has never been sober in front of people
appeared.  In the era, having cleared the swollen eyes and focusing
look, this guy uttered a historical phrase:
"Well, damn it, these bastards live. Even on their filthy island -
FINNISH PLUMBING!!!"