FIDO-HUMOR
I remembered a joke here...
A man walks into a haberdashery store and asks:
- Can I buy a bra for my wife from you?
- Yes, but what size?
- ???? I don't know...
- What do they look like? For melons, for apples, for peaches?
- Uh-uh.... On the spaniel's ears!
A foreigner enters the Metropol, opens the door
his number, and sees a beautiful girl there:
- Sorry, this is number 4?
- Yes.
- Sorry, this is my number!
- Yes, of course.
[The foreigner is thoughtful...]
-Can you fuck?
- Yes, of course...
- Fuck OUT, please...
In a concentration camp, a fascist says: “Well, quickly, everyone, go to the gas station.”
camera!!! Khokhol Petro replies: “Comrade fascist, what are you doing?”
yesterday the Khaz camera today the Khaz camera at the menizh with her
headache.
Two friends are talking about the annoyingness of intimate life with
husband. One says:
- Well, in order to diversify our relationship, I sometimes do
like this: before my husband arrives, I undress and become an ass
in front of the door, my husband comes in, sees me in this position, he has
Passion awakens and we make love all evening...
;)
...The husband of the second friend comes home, opens the door, ...
and shouting “HELP!!!” runs to the neighbor opposite.
The neighbor asks what's the matter.
- There is an alien!!! 8-O Cheeks are healthy, wow! In the middle
eyes, and a beard to the knees... 8-O
- Givi, do you like pamidoras?
- To eat - yes, but not like that...
There are 3 women standing in line forcucumbers
One says: “I want a longer one!”
Second: “I want to be more puffy!”
Third: “I don’t care, it’s for the salad!”
Anecdote (almost according to Chekhov)
Master (B) returns home late and calls Stepan (C)
B - Stepan! Dinner!
S - Served, master.
B - Stepan, did the lady have lunch?
S - We had lunch, master.
B - Stepan, did the lady have lunch alone?
S - No, sir.
B - And with whom, Stepan?
S :( - With the gentleman who plays the piano for them, master!
B:( - And then, Stepan?
S - Then, let’s go for a ride in the carriage, master.
B - And then, Stepan?
S - And then, they came back, master.
B:( - And then?
S - And then, we drank tea, master, gentleman, read poetry to the lady.
B:( - And then?
S:( - And then, we went to the bedroom.
B:((- Well, and then, Stepan? :(((((
S:((- I don’t know, master! :((((
B:(((((((grabbing his head and heart)
- Again this painful unknown...
Lesson
The teacher explains: Children The Soviet Union is a country where
every child is guaranteed a happy childhood, where
every child has equal opportunities to become both a worker and
astronaut and scientist. Vovochka, why are you crying?
- I want to go to the Soviet Union!........
During recess, Vovochka approached the teacher and said in a whisper:
- Mary Ivanna, I love you!
Teacher (also in a whisper):
- Vovochka, although I am a teacher, I don’t like children.
Vovochka (at the top of her voice):
- So we will protect ourselves!
They took the black marketeer into the army. He got intoAfghan. Explained
him that I give 10 rubles for each prisoner.
The next morning he brings 5 prisoners. He is given 50 rubles.
A day later, he brings 40 people and receives his 400 rubles.
Another day later, the commander looks out the window and sees -
a recruit leads about 700-800 people. 8-O. Commander in
whispers to the political officer in horror - listen, talk to him, maybe
will he agree to the five for his head?
The political officer conveys the wishes of the commander to the soldier and hears
answer: - well, no, I can’t get an A - I’m in Pakistan myself
I'll take 7.
A priest is flying on a plane. Calls the flight attendant:
- At what altitude are we flying?
- 3000m
- Bring me a glass of cognac then.
...
After some time:
- At what altitude are we flying?
- 3000m
- Well then, bring me another glass of cognac.
...
More time passes.
- At what altitude are we flying?
- 10000m
- In that case, bring a glass of water.
- ??? I can bring some more cognac, right?
- Shhh! The bosses will hear!
A big guy turns to the bartender:
- Do you need bouncers?
- We are needed, but I don’t know your qualifications...
“I’ll demonstrate now,” says the fellow, and throws him out through
the window of the first big guy who came to hand.
- Well, how?
- Now the director will climb back in and talk to you about this
topic.
"Soup Without a Wife"
Take a clean pan and fill it with three liters of water,
wash a kilogram of potatoes, remove slippers from the pan
three-year-old son, light the stove,otpyratb son, wipe the floor
and fill the pan with water again, put it on the fire,
take the potato out of his son's mouth, clean his son's clothes and
your trousers, get 300 grams of meat somewhere, throw it in
a pan of potatoes, catch up with the cat and take the meat from him,
hit the cat with a broom, saying “Here, choke!”, open
a pack with the inscription: "Vermicelli soup, with meat,
"instantly dissolving, without sediment."
Salt the potatoes, sweep the contents of the pack into a plate,
give your son a slap on the head, salt the potatoes, make peace with
son, salt the potatoes, pump out someone choking on meat
cat, salt, throw the contents of the plate into the pan,
stir with a broom, add salt, swear, try
remove excess salt from the pan, hold the scalded hand
under running water, close the hot water, open the cold water,
pyrhytb plumbers and water pump, pour sugar into the pan,
find your son in the yard, spank him, make peace, go
to the cinema with him, run back to the kitchen, turn off the gas,
open the window, use a towel to remove smoke and fumes, calm down
neighbors and the fire department, praise the plumbers and
water pump, close the cold water tap, wipe the floor
yourself and the ceiling of the neighbors below, try the soup, spit,
offer the soup to the cat, start clearing the pan of ash,
discover a burnt hole and your watch at the bottom,ask
what time, spank my son, neighbors and firefighters,
shedding stingy male tears, clean it up and return
pan for the neighbors, give the cat some extra food, patch his trousers,
pump out the cat, make peace with the cat and go with him and his son to
dining room
- Mister sergeant major! Lunch is only enough for half a meal.
- Great, then we’ll have lunch after the attack - just enough for everyone...
- They say that this performance is not successful with the audience?
- Well, that's putting it mildly. I called the cashier yesterday and
I asked when the show started.
- And what?
- They answered me - “When will it be convenient for you?”
1963 An abstractionist and
surrealist. And behind them are two realists in civilian clothes.
- I want to give an advertisement in your newspaper: “Who will find his beloved
my wife's cat
he will receive $500!"
- Isn't it a little expensive, sir?
- No, I drowned this disgusting creature yesterday!
At the entrance to the store:
- Honey, this is not our baby!
- Dear, but you nocmotpu6 how much better this stroller is than ours!
My husband comes home from work tired and angry as hell:
- Wife, let's eat!
- Where is the magic word?
- Run, motherfucker!
- I gave you the best years of my life!
- Yeah. and received in return the best pages of my checkbook!
- You know, my wife read somewhere that it’s healthy to eat everything raw.
- Yes, mine doesn’t like to cook either.
Khrushchev arrived at the collective farm and fell into a silo. One
- Don't tellno one that I fell there,” says H.S.
- And you don’t tell anyone that _I_ pulled you out of there!
- My wife returned from the resort, having lost 15 kilograms!
- Well, this is wonderful!
- Yes? After all, with her weight, losing 1Skr is the same as
get a 15 rubles discount when purchasing a Mercedes!
The wives of two servicemen are talking:
- You know, my husband is at that age - and already impotent!
- Yes? And my fool is still a sergeant!
- Why does the dog wag its tail?
- Because the tail cannot swing the dog!
NATIONAL FLAME WARNING!
On Belarusian television they are trying (lieutenants, keep quiet!) on
the role of the announcer is a young girl. She says:
- Pious TV viewers! We'll give you instructions...
- Yes, not teaching, but transmitting!
...
- Pious TV viewers! We'll tell you the teacher..
- Damn! I repeat for the last time, says the chief executive, no
I'll give it to you, and I'll give it to you!
...
The girl, gathering all her strength, bravely says:
- Dear TV viewers! We are sending you a message...
At this point everyone breathes a sigh of relief.
- ... great teachers of production!
I don't think I've seen it here:
A foreigner returns from Moscow and shares his impressions: -
Not only do they have a different psychology, their physiology too.
They say: “Put your hat on, otherwise your ears will freeze.”
A man came to the pharmacy to buy condoms.
He approaches the saleswoman and speaks so quietly in her ear, very
embarrassed:
- Where do you have... condoms?do they sell?
She says at the top of her voice:
- Oh, condoms for you, condoms - in that department.
He's in that department:
- How are you... condoms...
- Condoms? Condoms!!! To the cash register for condoms.
Also at the cash register, when he buys... The guy was shy,
all red... I left the store, the street is so crowded...
I walked a block, had already calmed down, and then he ran out of the pharmacy from behind.
cashier and yells at the whole street:
- Hey, comrade who bought condoms, you are 2 kopecks
forgot!
The man walks on, looking all calm :) And then to
His aunt turns to him - “Can you tell me how to get there...” A man,
without letting her finish, in response:
- Well, yes, yes, f$#@#I'm coming!!!"
P.S. To avoid offtopic:
Two people on a desert island.
- Eh, a woman should come here, but it’s hotter!
- Yes, and with a crispy crust!
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