All for what? And what did I live for...
Everything I was looking for... And everything I dreamed of...
He tore his throat, exhausted,
Knocking your fist into rusty metal...
Why? To whom ? Who rated it?
I howl like a wolf...
Otherwise I would have killed...
. . .
A sad romantic walks down the road
Sadly knocking your feet off the path.
Sad looking at sunset and dawn,
Whispering sadly: “Life has already sung a verse...”
Sad hoping for something good,
Sadly trying to forget my past,
Sad trying to see friends
Sighing sadly, not seeing people.
It’s sad to walk past big life,
Sad dreaming of only one...
Sadly eating the scum of the world,
Having sadly become friends with the poetry lyre.
Sad poems creating bouquets,
Sighing sadly - the songs are already sung...
A sad tale, about a sad lesson,
A sad romantic walks along the road...
I'm kind of sad -
not in a warehouse and not in harmony.
This is such a sad situation in life...
. . .
Every day you wake up in pain
From mental pain and broken will.
You hate looking at people
And you dream of losing yourself in the world of shadows.
You loved - but you were rejected,
He called me a friend, but his friends betrayed him.
And now you have forgotten what love is...
You couldn't feel it again...
Where is the one who promised revenge for you?
Oh, there he is - trampling your honor...
You don't want to live according to the laws of the crowd,
Where are the shaved heads and cast iron foreheads...
Where every first is an enemy,If not an enemy, then a fool.
If the smart one is caught,
Either he's a bastard or he's broken...
How long can you rush?..
Drink out of boredom, mock yourself?
How long can you moan and hate?
Cut veins, see everyone as an enemy?..
I don't know...
Tired...
Broke...
I feel bad and I've gained it again...
Move away, leave - ENOUGH!
Yes, I'm drunk because I'm sad!
I'm weak...
Fool... Didn't get treatment...
Sorry for the nonsense,
Got excited...
. . .
After all, I was born to doubt,
To love, suffer, regret and be surprised.
But I don't see faces, I see snouts.
And so it is, so it will be, so it was...
Not seeing joy, we sigh in anguish,
Having been born a saint, we die in sin...
Looking at you I cut my wrists,
Your faith makes me want to puke.
On the outside they are pious and bright.
The inside is full of crap and fuss.
You glorify God, praying out of fear,
From the fear of death, which is beyond the threshold of ashes.
Having killed a dozen, you atone by praying,
You live your life fearing the truth.
When you pray, you sing a song to fear,
And you firmly believe that you live...
Blind people! There is dust and emptiness inside you,
No, not Christ is your God, but Satan!
I'm not a righteous man. I'm sick myself...
A clogged wound that oozes pus.
Sick of despair turning into anger,
For you, I will be like a bone in your throat!
. . .
A broken, ridiculed hero...
You're lying down. Crushed by a soulless crowd.
The body is beaten, bleeding from wounds,
You realized too late that life is a lie...Poor knight, you believed that you were understood.
They patted me on the shoulder and hugged me,
They nodded in agreement, with a smart face,
And someone even called him a sage...
You proved the truth of the words,
I firmly believe that you can help...
And tried to renounce the malice of the worlds,
Sending dissatisfied fools away.
But among them, you were the first fool.
Because I didn’t see the simple
For the crowd you are sick and nervous,
Desired to sift out the good from the bad.
A friend told you. With a smile, carefully:
“Come on, old man, is that really possible?
Look around, look at the people...
Are you still full of crazy ideas?!"
But you fought, although the spears broke.
You called for new exploits...
You didn't know they were mocking
Above you... Behind your back.
Now you are lying there, crushed.
Freed from sick ideas.
Submitting to the "care" of the crowd,
That I decided: “You will be like US.”
Becoming like them -
You will end your life in a drunken frenzy.
A loser who wanted good deeds...
You were a Knight, and now you will be -
Shepherd...
. . .
Born by the power of Light,
I refused God's mercy.
Love turned out to be no more pain than delirium,
And life is stupid and miserable...
To the touch, like a decrepit blind man,
I wander through life, looking for a purpose.
But the world is a complete fucked up place
I see only meaning in death...
How long have I been searchingjustice,
But I can't see her...
Every day anger boils inside me,
- how I HATE you all!
. . .
I have been ordered - TO THE WALL!
I'm an outcast and the world doesn't need me.
There is no place for me on this earth
My will is broken - I am unarmed.
Last moments, countdown.
A plea for mercy stuck in my throat.
Death, smiling, has been waiting for a long time.
FACE THE WALL! I know who's behind!
Last word? Damn that world
Where Conscience and Honor are forgotten,
Where people called the weak: Idol,
And justice is covered in mud...
The platoon is being built - the forces are leaving,
I'm scared, but there's no way out.
The priest is brought into the cell:
"Repent, and the Light awaits you!"
But I'm standing FACE TO THE WALL.
My veins are filled with pus.
Head and chest on fire
And I feel Death on my back.
The acrid taste of blood...
The bullet found its way
I don't feel pain anymore...
There's a cloud in my eyes...
Echo of the last breath...
Death smiles at me
I'll forget how bad I felt
And an angry order - “TO THE WALL!”
. . .
I scream in pain
I squirm, gritting my teeth.
In the reflection of a wounded will
And in madness I preserve my memory.
Evil pain in my tormented flesh,
He's been vomiting blood and foam for a long time now.
We are betrothed to death by madness,
She will take away strength and pain.
The head hammers the wall in agony,
Deathimprisoned only in me.
My body has a terrible stench
I'm digging through my own shit.
Between attacks,
I try to remember forgotten days.
The pain has a crazy grip.
I am with death, we are alone here...
. . .
Wiping the blood from a broken face,
I see the days that float before me.
I don't have much time to live until the end,
I exist only through struggle.
I haven't had faith for a long time,
My condition is Pain.
My nerves are frayed beyond measure,
My skin burns like fire.
I just want peace now,
But I'm afraid to leave this world.
A man with an exhausted will,
A forgotten idol dies...
. . .
"I'm not crazy, I'm not drunk and I'm not sick,
I'm just not happy with my life.
I could be a poet, an artist,
Or a carpenter, or a shoemaker...
But I chose a different path -
I walk in step with death.
I don't need your love
I want to shorten my days.
Don't judge me... "friends"
For only God is my judge.
I'm disgusted by life, your faces...
All the best..."
Signed: Suicide
1997-1999
It's dark all around and life is empty...
Having torn my poems from the sheet,
The order of mediocre words is strict,
I burn their wretched meaning...
And their motive is useless -
I wrote in delirium, drinking my brains...
And your nonsenseurges
I'm having meaningless breakdowns...
Why did you suffer, who did you love?
I valued life only for a dream...
I don’t know why I live,
Taught others how to do it yourself...
It was hot... I was looking for the meaning.
Now I cooled down and read:
He wrote with anguish, angrily, discordantly!
Now it's cold and it hurts...
. . .
Cough up your vomit
A clot of bile and phlegm...
The vile sight of burning skin,
The smell of burning, the corpse-like appearance...
Lie down by the toilet:
Puke bastard, puke infection!!!
Remember bitch how you lived
What did you eat and what did you drink:
Brain eaten away by worms,
A mixture of sarcoma and saliva,
Pus in a gilded bowl,
Snot in a faceted vase...
Cool? Tasty ? - Tighten up!
Put your fingers in your mouth and relieve yourself.
Spit your guts into the toilet
Just for a long time, not at once.
With blood, with pus, with red foam...
God, how wonderful this is!
And now it's all back,
No matter how disgusting it was.
Our life goes on in circles,
So take big sips!
Swallow back the vomit
Swallow the bile, followed by the phlegm.
And then return to your friends -
You'll be drunk again soon!
. . .
Drunk sun in a drunk window...
Drunk life, in drunken shit!
Drunkenly staggering, stumbling.
Dissolving in the cloudy sediment of the wine.
In a drunken stupor for lifeswearing
Fighting with the “gray life”...
Drunk face on a dirty table
Drunken tears flow down my cheek...
Sweet tears, with the taste of wine...
I don’t regret life... It’s a pity that I’m alone...
Drunk life... I can't do this...
Drunk thoughts in a drunken brain...
I'll drunkenly climb onto a slippery roof,
I'll fall into a drunken niche in the abyss...
Maybe someone will find it down there...
Sober people will shed a tear.
They'll bury you quickly and get drunk quickly.
Drunken tears will flow sweetly again...
Once again someone will stagger drunkenly,
He'll break a drunken face on a pole.
Drunkenly swearing, getting stuck in the mud,
Saving the “gray life” with alcohol,
The drunken sun will see in the window...
Drunkenly stuck in drunken shit...
That's all... The world is full of tears...
Dreams, hopes - everything is gone.
Freed from love dreams forever,
Now I live haphazardly...
And what do your fairy tales mean to me now?
About loyalty, honesty and love...
It's okay, I can live without affection,
But can I love again?
A broken fist, a swollen eye.
There is melancholy and fumes in my soul...
I did all this in your name -
This is how I let off my love steam...
Now alone... Confused, crushed.
I am weaving a chain of bitter memories...
And only vodka freed me from melancholy,
To my deep shame...
12.09.00
. . .
Sorry for thatthat I loved...
Sorry for drinking too much.
I'm sorry for the fact that your life
I valued it more than my own...
Forgive the senseless disruptions,
My black world, my impulses.
Sorry for not giving enough...
I didn’t give myself all to you.
Sorry for not being able to
Sorry for overlooking happiness...
I'm sorry that I don't mean much to you,
Sorry for wasting my time...
Sorry! Couldn't buy a palace!
Sorry, forgive you scoundrel!!!
Couldn't... Didn't give... Didn't justify...
Sorry!
For ruining your life.
02.10.00
. . .
There's madness in my brain,
And there is now one goal in life!
The pain and my fatigue disappeared.
I am a wolf, and you are now my moon!
I will howl for your death
May your life fall to dust!
And in joy I will sing hymns,
When I feel your fear.
You are my pain, my thorn!
You got into my life with your feet.
Did you think this was a fairy tale? Life prose?
Well, now break off!
I will fill your life with fear,
I'll trample your rotten honor into shit!
No, it’s sweeter for me now to let everything collapse,
Let me lay my head...
But you will know my REVENGE!
10.10.00
He eats my brain and poisons my soul,
He painted the world gray.
He turns my body into a carcass,
And the meaning of life is complete nonsense!
There is no salvation in it, only deception,
He is deceitful but completeeloquence.
It's as sweet as any dope
But life is full of contradictions...
In him I find my salvation,
I open my soul to him in pain,
And he gave me oblivion for a moment,
Then he will devour... Evil alcohol...
He is my shame, he is my weakness,
It's like masturbation for young people.
You can read the fatigue in my eyes...
Yes, I give up... Alcoholism...
05.12.00
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