Humor - Jokes.

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║ Jokes.            ║
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The crew of a heavy international airliner lands the plane,
sssno after yesterday's butt... Well, in general, they go to
landing and see that something seems to be wrong, but what exactly is not reported
stricken.  The plane touches the concrete, the brakes screech - they managed to stay
new. The crew commander, wiping off sweat:
- Yetitskaya force, what a short streak they have...
The co-pilot turns his head and looks out the window on the right:
-But it’s kind of wide - about two kilometers.... :-)

 * * *

A poacher killed a wild boar, put it on his shoulder, and goes straight
I'm rubbing the forester
(L) - stop! did you kill the boar?
(B) - not me
(L) - who is that on your shoulder?
(B) - where? (turns his head to the left) - there is no one
(L) - here!
(B) - (slowly turns his head to the right) OH! who is this!

 * * *

Michael, a young, pleasant guy, suffered from incontinence of gas. Od-
Once he went on a date with a girl and spent the whole evening holding back his
as best I could. Finally he realized that he urgently needed to say goodbye. oh girl-
Ka insisted that he come to meet her parents. B
living room at his feeta dog named Baron sat comfortably. Conversation
proceeded calmly until the moment Michael could restrain himself.
but then nature took its toll, and a loud obscene sound was heard
sound.
- Baron! - exclaimed the father of the family.
“Thank God, they didn’t think about me,” Michael finally calmed down.
but... A minute later he couldn't contain himself again.
- Baron!! - the father cried.
Michael relaxed.
“Baron!!!” the father squealed, “get away from this guy quickly.”
until he craps on you from head to toe!

 * * *

Young Parisian women came to the village on vacation. While walking
they met a shepherd who was carrying a kid to sell. One of
The girls came up, stroked the kid and shouted to her friends:
- Girls, look how adorable he is, he doesn’t even have one yet.
horn!
“Don’t worry, mademoiselle,” the shepherd grinned, “as soon as
gets married, he will have them!

 * * *

A young farmer is walking with a girl. Noting that
The calf rubs against the cow's nose and says:
- I wish I could do the same.
- What's stopping you? These are your cows!

 * * *

A guy walking with a girl on the sand outside the village suddenly
tripped over the legs sticking out ofbushes and heard rude pyra-
government
He was indignant:
 - Hold your tongue, there's a woman here.
And from the bushes:
 - Do you think I have a fox here?

 * * *

Announcement: "Urgently required current account and office to create
small family."

 * * *

- Honey, it's so hard for me to find the right words...
- Nothing, honey. The main thing is to find the right amounts!

 * * *

- I beg you, stop courting me so openly. I
after all, she’s married.
- It doesn't matter. I'm not jealous.

 * * *

Old people scold young people.  Eighty-year-old Aunt Sophia has her own
opinion:
- About sixty years ago I couldn’t go outside to ka-
Some impudent person didn't catch on. Today's young people are in the thousands
times more educated. I go at any time of the day - if only someone would look!

 * * *

A little boy at the doorstep met a guy caring for his
older sister.
- I saw you hugging and kissing Mary.
- Don't be so loud, here's a dollar.
- Thank you, keep fifty cents in change.
- Change?
- I charge everyone the same - according tofifty cents.

 * * *

In one of the courts in the state of Oklahoma, the case of the victim of theft was heard
hundreds.
- You claim that the accused took the money directly from your
panties? - asked the judge.
“Yes, Your Honor,” the victim answered.
- So why didn't you resist? - the judge was surprised.
“I didn’t think he was interested in money,” she shrugged.
triple girl.

 * * *

The next meeting has been going on for a long time. When it got dark outside, I raised
An elderly woman came forward and asked the presidium to let her go, because
that she has children at home. They let me go. Then a young girl stood up
with the same request.
- Do you have children too?
-  No.  But if I sit like this every day, I never have them.
there won't be.

 * * *

A very attractive woman in a hairdresser doing a manicure
to the client. Struck by her beauty, he tries to court her and
asks for a date. The woman refuses, says that she is married,
but the client does not lag behind:
- Let's do this: you call your husband and say that today you have
overtime. “Tell him yourself,” the insistent woman advises.
to a respectful client - he is the one who shaves your beard.

 ** *

 A man is driving along the highway ~2OOkm/h, suddenly a pig comes out of nowhere
runs out and gets run over. Well, the man looked around,
he sees there’s no one and thinks, “I’ll take it for myself, the kebab is frozen.”
digging..." He takes the pig and stuffs it into the trunk, just to leave on his own
ranted - a swineherd with a gun comes out from behind the bushes and says
“Don’t tell me that you took him to the hospital!!!”

 * * *

A gorilla comes to the bar.
- I'd like a glass of milkshake, please.
The bartender serves a cocktail, the gorilla puts down a 10-dollar bill.
The bartender thinks to himself: what does this gorilla understand about money? On-
stupid. Gives 50 cents in change, and starts a conversation:
- You know, gorillas don’t come into our bar often.
- And no wonder! Charging $9.50 a glass - I won't either
I'll come.

 * * *

A woman comes to 5020 (Moscow) and asks:
-How to find Lenin Square?
- Why look for her? Multiply Lenin's length by Lenin's width...
 8-[ ]

 * * *

 - Hello, where do you work?
 - Yes, nowhere..
 - What are you doing?
 - Nothing...
 - The most wonderful activity!
 - Yes, but the competitors are fed up!!!

 * * *

Concentration camp.  The Germans are selecting another batch of prisoners for
execution and offer to fulfill his last wish. Americans,
the British ask for a drink, a smoke, etc. Russian says: Give
give me a kick. The Germans were surprised. They gave me a kick. The Russian flew away, hit-
hit the floor, jumped up, grabbed a machine gun from somewhere and all the guards
shot.
They ask him: Why didn’t you do this before?
- And we, Russians, do nothing until we get a kick in the ass -
blow.

 * * *

Two friends are talking - a Russian (1) and a Georgian (2).
(1) - I heard you recently bought a car?
(2) - Yes. It's called Jyp.
(1) - Cherokee, or what?
(2) /here we need to tell you/ - Net, no black. So narrow.

 * * *

The doctor says to the patient:
- The operation will cost you 50 thousand.
- This is robbery, I'd rather die.
- I don’t recommend it, the funeral will cost more.

 * * *

 The secretary says to HP:
 - Leave your phone number and he will call you back.
 - What are you doing? Stupid - he's worth a buck!

 * * *

 In a dark alley:
 - Grandma, can I help you?
 - Po-mo-gi-te!!!

 * **

 Sailing regatta. On the main stand the referee-informant:
 - Attention! Boat number 99, get in touch.
 The chief judge approaches him:
 - Mister informant, something is wrong here. We have only 75 equipment
chew.
 He takes out powerful binoculars and takes a closer look:
 - Attention! Boat number 66, are you in some kind of trouble?

 * * *

 - Hey, dear, buy a cat.
 - I don't need a cat.
 - Then buy this mouse.
 - I can't stand mice.
 - Then buy a cat! He will devour this bastard in an instant.

 * * *

A hacker is walking along the road and dragging the BFG-9000 behind him. At the turn
A couple of killers run up to him:
- Hey, man, where did you take such a thing???
Hacker (sluggishly, with a hint of indifference):
- Yes, I pulled it out of DOOMa with a debugger...

 * * *

A Russian, an Englishman and a Frenchman once argued:
who will feed the cat mustard?
The Englishman shoved mustard into the cat’s mouth.
The Russian looked and said:
 - No, it won’t work - this is violence.
The Frenchman put mustard between pieces of sausage and the cat ate it
I didn’t even notice the mustard.
The Russian looked and said:
 - No, this is bad - deception.
And he smeared mustard under the cat’s tail. The cat howled and howled
hall Russian:
 -Please note - voluntarily and with song.

 * * *

Two drug addicts meet: a guy and a girl. Girl's boyfriend
asks: “Why are you so strange, rumpled, beaten today?”
She replies: “I was driving along the escalator and started thinking.”
He: “So how?”
She: "I've done three laps."