Humor - Jokes.

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║ Jokes.            ║
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Fidoshnik, after a sleepless night, in the store:
- Please give me 1Mb of sausage, in 6Kb pieces.

 * * *

A drunk husband comes home at night and rings the doorbell:
 - Masha, open up!
 - I'm not Masha.
 - Hey, Klava, open up!
 - I'm not Klava.
 - Listen, wife, how are you doing, maybe we can play in the cities again?

 * * *

A drunk man stands on the bus and says:
 - Oh, I feel bad, I’m about to puke!
     People have come to their senses (the bus is packed, there is nowhere to retreat), come on
talk him down so that he can endure it until he stops:
 - Man, try to distract yourself, count to at least forty-eight -
   mi!!!
Drunk:
 - Six eight - forty eight!!! BEE-EEEEEE...

 * * *

Guests are invited to Mashenka's fifth anniversary. Everyone sits down at the table
Mashenka's mom:
 - (whispers) Get up and say a prayer.
 - (whispers) I don’t know what to say!
 - (whispers) The same thing I said before dinner.
 - (loudly) Why the hell did we invite so many guests!

* * *

 A man and a dog walk into a bar. A man takes it on his chest,
turns to the visitors and offers to bet $10 that
his dog will speak in a minute. Everyone is intrigued and arguing. Turning man-
says to the dog:
(M) - Hey, Rex, say something!
        He, naturally, is silent.  The man begs him - everything is devil
to no avail.  They laughed at him, he gave the money. Leaves the bar and
says:
(M) - What are you doing, Rex! Why were you silent?
(P) - Just think how much money we will raise tomorrow!!!

 * * *

Late in the evening a woman walks home through the park.
Suddenly he hears:
-Stop!
 She stopped.
-Lie!
 Lay down.
-Crawl!
 She crawled. Suddenly, sympathetically, over her ear.
-Woman, do you feel bad?
 I’m working with the dog here, and I see you crawling...

 * * *

The gloomy husband comes home, undresses in complete prostration and
sluggishly goes to the kitchen, eats without appetite. The wife decides not to delay
message before bed on the marital bed, and to please the husband immediately
lazy.
- Expensive! I am pregnant!!!
 Husband (distantly):
- And you too...

 * * *

A guy met a girl. We took a walk. The guy says:
- Well, can we go to my place?
She answers:
- Youyou know, I'll tell you straight out, I'm probably not modern, but I
I have such principles, in general, I decided to remain a girl until
I won't be sure that I really love the man who
next to me.
- Well... But it’s probably hard to live like this...
- Yes, in general, no. Here's my husband, he's freaking out...

 * * *

Two fools are riding a boat, suddenly one drops a cufflink overboard.
He immediately pulls out a knife and makes a notch on the side of the boat.
- What are you doing? - asks the second.
- I notice where I dropped the cufflink, I’ll get it next time!
- What a fool!
- Why?
- Next time they will give us a completely different boat!

 * * *

Question to Armenian Radio:
- Will there be pork chops in 2000?
- They will. This will be the name given to potatoes taken from pigs. :)

 * * *

A man won a lot of money in Sportloto. Friends pester:
 - Nevermind! How did you manage to win at Sportloto?
 - Yes, you see... I had a dream. Six sevens. Well, I'm pos-
I bet on forty-nine - and won!
 - I didn’t get it... Six seven is forty two...
 - Well, go barefoot with your math!

 * * *

 HP came torestaurant, calling the waiter.
 - Well, what kind of caviar is there?
 - Black, red.
 - Carry both - for half a lemon (it was before the denomination:) Che, water -
what about human?
 - Smirnoff, absolutely.
 - Come on, bring them both - for half a lemon.
The order is brought, he consumes one or the other and falls face down
remains of caviar. A Frenchman enters the restaurant.
 - Please bring me a Clicquot 67 from grapes, your own
early in Saint Remo on the south side of the hill. Pour it into your potbellied
crystal glass with stem and gold rim.
 - Anything else?
 - Yes, please, serve a young chicken of the vi breed with the wine.
andotette baked whole in apples. Yes, and here's another thing: drip
a drop of anise oil into the anus.
 - Uh, I don’t understand, where, sir?
 - Well, in the ass.
At this time, HP wakes up, hears snippets of the last phrases and yells
to the waiter:
 - And I need some butter! For half a lemon!

 * * *

The lieutenant arrived at the estate to visit Pierre Bezukhov. I sat there with them
in the evening, then when it was all over and everyone started to leave,
thinks:
  - To the piano, why don’t you give a shit?... Yes, no, the provinces won’t understand. :(

 * * *

Two golden students are sitting in a room. They drink.
 - Do you hear where that barbecue smell came from?
 - Fool, take the fly off your cigarette!

* * *

A student leaves the audience. Comrades ask:
 - Well, did you pass?
 - Yes, it seems I passed!
 - What did they ask?
 - And the devil knows - he asked in English.

 * * *

Americans come to us and ask:
At what age do you teach children to work on computers?
Our answer: from first grade!
Americans: wow, can I watch it?
Americans are brought to first class. There are four computers on the desk
yutera. The teacher says:
Petrov, take one computer and put it on the windowsill. children,
how many computers are left?

 * * *

In a traveling circus - an act with an elephant. Entertainer:
- This is an exceptionally strong and intelligent animal. When you need to
place to set up a tent, he alone works for twenty people
century
- And this, in your opinion, comes from a great mind?

 * * *

Two men meet:
- It would be nice to find a HUGE treasure and it’s all made of shit!
- Why from shit?
- With what pleasure I would give 75% to the state!

 * * *

A student takes mathematical analysis and reads the formula:
- X plus X square divided by TWO!!. plus xcube, divided
ny on THREE!!. plus...
- Why are you shouting like that?
- (surprised) Well, how? There's an exclamation point here!!
(shovel)
(humanities: 2! reads “two factorial”)

 * * *

Lecture at the philology department.  "In English," says the professor,
"a double negative makes a statement. In other languages, e.g.
In Russian, a double negative still means a negative. But
there is no language in which a double statement means
denial." Voice from the back desk: “Yeah, of course.”

 * * *

 Student: What is the practical application of indefinite in-
tegrala?
     Prepad: But one day I go to the toilet. During the famous
During the entire process, the watch slipped into the toilet. I wasn't confused, but
took a wire and bent it in the shape of an indefinite integral...

 * * *

 - Jackson, what happened? - asks the corporal walking along
in the barracks yard of Private Jackson with his arm in a cast.
     - I broke my arm in two places, sir!
     - Avoid these places in future, Jackson!

 * * *

 An instructor in an engineering class asked the following question:
grew up in the futureofficers:
     - Imagine that a three-meter mast with a flagpole
fell.  At your disposal is a sergeant and a squad of eight people.
century What are your actions?
     Suggestions poured in, both with the help of certain technical
technical techniques to install a mast.
     - Wrong, everything is wrong! - uhctpyk said in response -
torus  - You just have to order: "Sergeant, put the mast on
place."

 * * *

 Guy (1) asks another (2):
    (1) How to teach a girl to swim?  :-/
    (2) Well, support her in the water by her stomach and chest!.. ;-)
    (1) No, I need to teach my sister... :-/
    (2) Aaah, well then just push her off the boat!  >8-)

 * * *

 Two parachutists are flying in free fall:
One to another:
- Do you want an apple?
- Want.
(ate)
- Would you like another apple?
- Let's!
(ate)
- Do you want an apple?
- Crap! Where do you get them from?
- Yes, you have a backpack full of them...

 * * *

The paratrooper asks the ensign:
- What should I do if my parachute doesn’t open?
- Open the spare one.
- What if the spare one doesn’t open?
-... Hy... Come, I'll give you a new set.

 * * *

Once two point-lamers met, they were thinking about how they were “unpleasant”
node to teach a lesson:
-Let's send him a virus!
-Let's ! I just have a very old one. I launched it and
Windows'95 has disappeared for me! Uninstal is called...

 * * *

The police officer stops the car, and there are two people in it. Addresses to
(To) the parent:
(D) Why does your salon smell so much like beer? Did you drink something?
(B) What are you talking about! I received a new fidosh address, and drove a new one
boss on the Oka, gave him beer...
(G) Hy and how Oka?
(B) AKA - excellent! There’s even a file-ehi!
(D) 8[_______]

 * * *

Two newly made lamers (L1, L2) are riding on a tram.
    L1: What is FIDO?
    L2: Ooh!  This is the most terrible organization, it has its own
computer network.  I read letters from several people. Everyone
the second one at the end of the letter apologizes terribly and begs not to hit him
Tom LEGS!

 * * *

An army convoy of trucks is moving through the city...
A voice is heard from the first car with a swear word:
"Tram number 331! Take right - let the column pass!"

 * * *

Excited Uncle Fyodor runs into the house:
- Matroskin! YoursThe cow gave birth to a striped calf!!
Matroskin, with dignity:
- Mppp.. My cow. I do what I want!

 * * *

A notice was posted in a New York hotel: “Put out your cigarettes!
talk about the fire in Chicago! Someone signed this ad:
"Don't spit on the floor, remember the spring floods of the Mississippi!"

 * * *

- What kind of potatoes do you have! What did you fertilize it with?
- A! Whatever they fertilize, the infection grows!

 * * *

A man who visited the artist’s workshop approached him with
request:
- Can you offer me something - inexpensive and in bulk?
le?
- A can of sardines.

 * * *

The chemist boasts to his friends:
-My little son said his first word today!
-What did he say?
“Paraaminoarsenbenzene hydrochloride,” the happy man answered proudly.
y father.

 * * *

Exam at a driving school:
 - What would you do if, after driving your car more than
kilometer, suddenly discovered that you forgot your keys at home?
 - I would press the brake and get out of the car to look
on thatthe idiot who pushes her.

 * * *

A drunk man is walking down the street and enters his yard. Sees in
A cuckoo sits in the bushes. He says:
- Cuckoo, cuckoo. How many years do I have left to live?
Then this peasant’s wife leans out of the window and answers:
- Five to seven seconds... until I found the iron!