╔════════════════════════ ═══════════════════ ═══════════════════╗ ║ Anecdotes. ║ ╙─────────────────────────────── ───────────────────────────────╜ The teacher (U) in the class asks the guys in what branches of the military their fathers served. It’s Vovochka’s turn (B): (U) - Vovochka, what troops did your dad serve in? (B) - B electrical. (U) - Vovochka, but there are no such kind of troops... (B) - Well, I don’t know, Marya Ivanna, but only dad has two on his helmet lightning drawn... * * * An Odessa resident returned from a trip to Spain and shares his impressions. - The coolest thing there is bullfighting. You have no idea what he's doing bull when the red banner is brought into the arena! * * * How to find Lenin Square in any city? Possible answers: 1. Ask a passerby. 2. Ask a taxi driver or policeman. 3. Call the mayor's office. If you thought that the correct answer had already been given, then you were mistaken. Lenin Square is located completely differently. You need to take a ruler, measure the length of Lenin and multiply it by the width of Lenin. * * * Call to pagingcompany. - Hello! Young woman! For subscriber N3024. Vasya, you forgot your pager before- ma. * * * A colonel comes to the veterinarian, brings with him a monkey and says: - Doctor, can I take a look? - What happened? - Yes, that's it! He looks you in the eye and presses you with his intellect! - A strange case. Well, leave it. The doctor opens the monkey's skull, removes the brain, presses only the cerebellum), stuffs cotton wool there, seals it, sews it up calls and calls the colonel. He comes and takes the monkey, but a couple of days later it comes back again: - IMNO comrade doctor, you did something bad! - What happened to you again!? - What! He doesn’t look you in the eye anymore, but he presses you with his intellect! The doctor repeats the procedure, only this time he puts it in the trash can. The cerebellum has already flown, washes it with alcohol, pushes sawdust and calls the colonel. He comes and takes the monkey, but this once he comes running the very next day: - What the hell are you doing with her!!!??? - What the hell is going on there!!!??? - What! He marches all day and salutes... * * * We built a new secret Time Machine, M.S. Gorbachev I decided to test it myself, went in a time machine to 2000, got out, walked down the street, looking at new onesneighborhoods, vi- sees strange cars on the streets, goes into a store, looks at window display, his eyes widen from the heap of all sorts of names. - Is there sausage? - any to choose from. - is there a hunting gear? - five varieties, drier, fattier, spicy. - (he gets a little crazy) Does Krakow sausage exist? - choose three varieties. - what is any sausage!? and liver? - Yes, dear, where did you come from?! we have liverwurst They don’t even feed communists in concentration camps!! * * * - father, why don’t you like the new government so much, think about it, under the Union it was possible to go abroad only on a tank, but today - If you want to go to America, go, if you want to go to Egypt, they won’t let you. - that’s how you get money, son, so go right away, and I’ll use mine When I retire, I’d rather ride in a tank again. * * * At the anatomy exam. Professor: - What kind of organ is this? Student: - Liver. Professor: - That's right. Just not the liver, but the liver. What kind of organ is this? Student (after thinking): - Drake. * * * Two car enthusiasts meet and one complains to the other 1 - My wife wears out her shoes very quickly... 2 - Have you checked the wheel alignment? * * * Natasha Rostova (HP) is walking around the city, passing by a drunken man Zhika, he looked after her and said, “What an ass!!!” (HP) from an intelligent family I had never heard such a word when I came home, asks his parents so they say I heard the word ass, but I don’t know what it means. Parents were not comfortable explaining what does this mean? well, so that (HP) gets rid of them, they tell her that f@pa in French means horse. Some time later (HP) dances at a ball with Andrey Bal- horses need to show off their knowledge of the French language and tells him tenderly: - Andrey, do you have an ass? - :-[ ] ???? Of course there are - What color is it? - &-[] ????? White naturally - And I have an apple-gray one and neighs in the morning!!! - :-[ ] * * * Two bachelors are talking: - Washable wallpaper is definitely a great thing. But they're so hard tear it off the wall and stuff it into the washing machine. * * * Guest: - Sorry, but your dog looks at me all the time. Hostess: - Don’t pay attention, she always does this when someone is eating from her plate. * * * Check your watch: the beginning of the sixth signalmatches the end fifth. * * * - Do you know what a 1993 “pork chop” is? - A piece of meat with potatoes. - Not really. These are potatoes taken from a pig. * * * The waiter is angry: - Citizens, if you don’t like food, why is there so much in it? fuck! Who will eat this after you?! * * * When Vovochka was little, they told jokes about him. When he grew up, they began to call him respectfully - Vladimir Volfo- HIV * * * The KGB is recruiting personnel. 3 people out of a thousand were selected, but well... Only one agent is married. Then the GBists load the pistol with two idle ty cartridges and say (1) to the applicant: (GB) - Hold your weapon. Behind this door is your wife. You should get stuck pour it. (1) - How can I?! She is my wife, I love her! Candidate (1) is rejected. (GB) -> (2) {similar phrase} (2) - I can’t! She is the mother of my children. Candidate (2) is rejected. (GB) -> (3) {similar phrase} (3), without saying a single word, takes the pistol and confidently plows the door. Two shots are heard, and then the sound of a broken glass and deafhit the floor. When (3) came out, GBists came to him: (GB) - What are you doing? 8-(=) (3) - I'm okay. But the gun is faulty. I had to string this $uk with a cord strangle from the floor lamp. 8-F~ * * * The animals are trapped in a pit and are starving. Suddenly the fox says: "Let's eat the weakest one." The hare gets up and says: “Whoever touches an elk will get it in the snout.” * * * It means that tourists are standing on the edge of the American Canyon, well, they are shouting... yes, they are surprised, the guide comes up and says “Dear tourists don't create a flame in the echo" * * * The (f)idoshnik calls the (c)registry service and says, “Can I Do you know the phone number?" (c) “Yes, of course, give me the address!” (f) 2:5020/10...... * * * One hypotheistic man (M) returns home from work, so lively and cheerful (a little drunk). He looks at the payphone, decided to make a joke, dials the KGB number and says: - Is this the KGB? - Yes, I’m listening to you. - they answer politely on the phone. - You're doing a terrible job! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!! - speaks loudly into the phone and he moves on with a sense of accomplishment... Everything would be fine, BUT there is another payphone on the way, and the previous dial log with organsrepeats itself... Well, just happy, blooming approaches his house and... at the entrance again he sees a payphone. For- thinking... And he grabs the phone and dials the number: - Is this the KGB? - Yes, hello, I’m listening to you. - as always, they answer politely tube. “You’re doing a terrible job!...” a hand lay on his shoulder, and a calm an insinuating voice behind him said: - Say "Ha-ha-ha!!!" and let's go... * * * They are sitting (M)metalist, (H)ippie and (P)ank on a hemp log smoke. That means we smoked. (M): I wish I could listen to some metal, that would be cool. (X): No, if only there were flowers and petals around, that would be cool. (P): And for me the door is from KAMAZ. (M), (H): What for??? (P) I will look out the window... * * * The builders finished building the house. We filmed the forests, but everything in the house the walls fell apart. The foreman arrives and let’s yell at them, "You idiots, I told you to clean up the forests when we put up the wallpaper." * * * A Muscovite gets lost in Odessa and asks a local resident: - You don’t know how to get to Deribasovskaya? He tears his shirt on his chest: - Am I the one who doesn’t know how to get to Deribasovskaya? :-E~~~~
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