Humor - Jokes.

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║ Anecdotes.            ║
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Two friends enter the library and ask to show them a binder
medical journals.  Looking carefully at photographs of doctors,
whose, one of them says:
 - This one is perhaps the most interesting of them. I will be treated by
him.

 * * *

 - Listen, Jacques, why are you rolling up so many cigarettes for yourself?
pet?
 - Because the doctor prescribed physical exercises for me!..

 * * *

 - Doctor, what should I do to not have children?
 - Have a glass of beer, miss!
 - Before or after?
 - In return, miss!

 * * *

A certain monsieur complained to the doctor that he treated his mother-in-law’s heart,
and she died of liver disease. - Pure harobop! -otnapupo-
Val doctor. - If I treat someone from the heart, then he dies
from the heart!

 * * *

After a good walk, the beauty returns home at six o'clock in the morning.
Father, waking up,asks:
 - Is that you, damn daughter?
 - Yes, daddy!

 * * *

 - Is it true that married men live longer?
 - Of course not ! It just seems to them that time is passing longer...

 * * *

 - Dad, how old do you think this mummy is?
 - I can’t tell you... A woman is never that old
what does she look like?

 * * *

Anna is talking with her friend about her lover:
 “He’s becoming so unbearable that if this continues, I’ll
I will cheat on him with my husband.

 * * *

 - Switzerland... The most beautiful moments of my life are connected with it
neither!
 - But you never went there!
 - But my wife often goes to Switzerland, and I stay at home
alone, do you understand?

 * * *

One friend says to another:
 - My husband is cheating on me so much that I’m not even sure that I
- the mother of his three children!

 * * *

A man of genius is one who is able to convince his wife
that hopkoboe manto is her ctaput.

 * * *

A knight goes on a crusade. He gives to his best friend
the key to his wife's chastity belt and asks to protect it all these years
her honor. but before he had time to drive away from the city, as a faithful friend of the
rides him on a lathered horse.
 - What luck that I caught up with you! You gave me the wrong key!

 * * *

 - Maman, you know, my husband does everything for me, no matter what I do
wanted.
 - This suggests, my dear, that you are not all about him yet -
sit.

 * * *

 - Mister Commissioner, it’s been a year since my wife disappeared.
 - And you are only now telling us about this?
 - Yes, because until now I couldn’t believe it myself.

 * * *

 - Mister Commissar, it turns out I was mistaken, says noctpa-
giver. -I found my wife’s necklace, it wasn’t stolen.
 - Late ! The culprit has already confessed.

 * * *

 - A man is sitting, fishing. Suddenly a submarine appears.
The captain sticks out from there:
 - Mister, where are we?
 - Fuck you!
 - Gentlemen, we are in Russia!

* * *

Gena is sitting, reading the newspaper, there is Cheburashka, who was hanging out in the
not:
 - Gen, and Gen, what does a nuclear missile cost now?
 - I don’t know, probably $100 million...
 - Then look what wealth is flying to us :)

 * * *

One man says to another on the street:
 - Hello, Max! How have you changed without a beard, without a mustache...
 - Sorry, I'm not Max!
 - Well, give it to me! And changed the name?

 * * *

Two friends:
 - Darling, why did you bake such a huge cake?
 - I want to give my husband to my secretary!
 - What, it’s her birthday?
 - No, she has a beautiful, slender figure.

 * * *

 - Hello, is this a bakery?
 - No, creamy.
 - What are you doing, making cream?
 - No, we're merging the de$"mo.

 * * *

A man is being tried for murder. The judge demands to tell how the case was
lo.
 - So this is not murder, this is an accident. And it was like this.
I come from fishing, go home, I see my wife with some
A man is exercising in the bedroom. Well, I didn’t bother them, I went to
kitchen, took a knife (with which I go hunting) and sat down some potatoes
clean  I'm sittingI’m cleaning, not touching anyone, suddenly a guy comes in
the one, naked, and to the refrigerator. Yes, I slipped on a cardboard
felted skin, and fell straight on his back on the knife... And so eight times.

 * * *

 - The convict from cell No. 13 was pardoned this morning, -
the warden reports.
 -  What a pity! - the priest laments. - But I’m so well-
getting ready!

 * * *

 - Are you familiar with “The Barber of Seville”?
 - No, when traveling abroad I never go to napukma-
fucking

 * * *

 - Vasily Ivanovich, the Americans landed on the moon.
 - Look where we drove them!

 * * *

Hospital. A nurse enters ward N6.
 - Sister! The patient from the next bed throws a chair!
 - Well, throw it at him.
 - I can’t, my stools are loose...

 * * *

A programmer comes to be hired by a certain company on Tverskaya. Zakho-
goes into the elevator. First thought: "MOV 5.1 enter"

 * * *

A girl comes running to the programmer. - Nikolai Georgievich,there y me
some strange error: "incorrect format, divided
on en". Well, he approaches the car, and it says: Format another
(Y/N)?.

 * * *

Folk sign: If a programmer is at work at 09:00 in the morning, it means
I guess he spent the night there...

 * * *

Inscription on the grave of FIDOSHNIK:
CONNECT 1971 - NO CARRIER 1996

 * * *

How many programmers will it take to screw in a light bulb?
 1. Not a single one! This is the task of electronics engineers.
 2. Two: one screws in the light bulb, the second stands on the nix and
makes sure no current comes

 * * *

From the conversation:
 - I’m sitting in Norton. On the left I have drive C:. On the right I have drive C:. I
I think, why do I need two C drives? Well, I erased one disk.

 * * *

"And then I clicked on the button - Any Key..." - from the user's explanation.

 * * *

A man comes to take tests and puts a three-liter bottle in the window
a jar of urine. Nurse:
 - You should have brought the f***ing suitcase!
Man (leans over for a suitcase):
 - HowI knew how I knew!

 * * *

 - Doctor, am I going to die?
 - But of course!!!
 - Doctor, what do I have?!
 - An autopsy will show...
 - Ж8-[ ]=

 * * *

 - Now, patient, bend your knee.
 - Which way, doctor?

 * * *

 -Sick, how do you fall asleep?
 -Okay. I count to three and fall asleep.
 -How, only until three?
 -Well... sometimes until half past three.

 * * *

A (m)zhik comes to the (d)ctor, and he immediately says
 -Man! You definitely need VERY strong glasses!
(m) How do you know that I just walked in?
(e) Well, you see, this is called professionalism... And besides
I'm a gynecologist...

 * * *

 Vovochka invited Tanya to his home. He bought flowers, cake, boo-
a bottle of cognac, a cigarette.  He laid everything out on the table and waited. Passes
hour. Vovochka thinks: “Tanya is from a good family, she won’t drink.”
I grabbed the bottle. Two hours pass. “Tanya won’t smoke.” Removed
cigarettes. And then the doorbell rings. Tanechka comes in. Vovochka asks -
et:
 -Why did you come in a school dress?
 -So tomorrow we go to school.

 * * *

Son to dad:
 - Why are these my friends, some in the fifth grade, some in the seventh?
and I'm still in the first and first?
 - Don’t talk nonsense, but drink, drink, son...

 * * *

The history teacher asks Vovochka: who is Chapaev V.I.?
 - who-who: Negro!
 - как негр?!!! :-[ ]
 - and he fought against the whites

 * * *

Mom, how much paste is in the tube?
 - I don’t know, son.
 - And I know, from the chair to the sink!

 * * *

Cambridge University. Lecture on biology. Topic: dangerous living
Votive.
 - Lions, tigers, hocoporu - yes, certainly dangerous animals, but
The worst is the grizzly bear. This is cunning and insidious
beast, if you are unarmed, then there is no salvation from it. Here you are from him
run - he will catch up with you, you climb a tree, and so he climbs -
he will grab it and eat it, you dive into the water - and he will dive, take it out and eat it.
I repeat once again - if you are unarmed, then there is no escape from him.
 A small, frail student raises his hand:
 - Mister Professor, what if we hide?
 - For people like you, I repeat once again: the grizzly is cunning and insidious
beast. He will also hide.

* * *

There is a drunk man lying near the liquor store. A policeman approaches him:
 - Citizen, what’s the matter, why are you lying here?
 - I'm here for advertising purposes...

 * * *

Isa Musa is calling (it happened in Georgia)
 - Isa, come play chess...
 - I can’t, Musa - I need to dig the garden...
Musa calls the KGB
 - Hello, is this the KGB? Isa is digging for treasure in the garden...
The KGB arrived and dug through the entire garden, but didn’t find the treasure...
Isa Musa calls
 - Isa, was there a KGB?
 - Was.
 - Did you dig the garden?
 - I was digging.
 - People come to play chess...

 * * *

City beach. Three hefty recruiters approach the group from
breathing:
 -Are there any sambo wrestlers, karatekas, or boxers among you?
 - No!
 - drive away the money!!!
the same situation is repeated with the second group. approaching the third
yey:
 -Are there any sambo wrestlers, karatekas, or boxers among you?
Several even heftier men rise up to meet them:
- well, yes, but what’s the matter?
- this... Maybe we can play chess?

 * * *


Three drunks are crawling along the railway sleepers.
One:
- Damn, what high steps!
Second:
- Yes. And the railings are low.
Third:
- Nothing, guys, look, the elevator is coming.

* * *

New Year.  Night.  A traffic cop at his post is looking out for a potential
sacrifice. He looks and a foreign car is speeding, clearly speeding,
in the center of the road. In anticipation of prey, the traffic cop whistles and waves
stick, the car stops.  He walks towards her, gets closer,
opens his mouth to formally present charges and... edge
ear hears the characteristic clicks of shutters. After a second's analysis
situation produces the following: "Lieutenant Sidorov. Allow the generation-
How about?

 * * *

HP left for Canada and calls his paging company from there
yu:
 - Well, guys, your office is cool! All my life only with you
I will buy a pager and recommend it to my bros!
Operator:
 - ???
 - Yes, even here in Canada, I received a message on the pager!
 - What message?
 - "Replace the battery."

 * * *

HP, the president of a large enterprise, calls for a new
ma:
 - Just six months ago you came to work with us as a
that engineer.  Two months later you became the head of the planned
department, after another two months you became a financial manager, and
Now I appoint you as my deputy. What do you say to this?
 - Thank you, DAD!!!

 * * *NR (1) is driving his 600, and sees two people (crimson
jackets, yellow chains, cell phones peeking out of pockets (2+3) not-
day three.
1 stops, opens the window:
1- bros, what the hell is the problem, let me give you a ride.
2+3- no bro, go your own way
1- no bros, I see you’re one of our own, let me give you a ride for free, then
Let's pay it off.
2+3 - no dude, everything is fine.
1- what’s the trick???
2+3- well, our third 600 is broken, so we walk it
we teach.