Jokes - Rules for using floppy disks. Fidoshnik. A tale of RAM and ROM.

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║  Jokes.             ║
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 Rules for using floppy disks.

(1) Never leave floppy disks in the drive because the data
    may drain from the surface of the disc and cause corrosion of the internal
    early parts of the drive. Floppy disks must be curled and stored
    thread in pencil cases.

(2) Floppy disks should be cleaned and waxed once every
    I share.  Small metal particles can be removed with a powerful
    magnet above the surface of the disk. Any difficult-to-remove materials
    Tall shavings can be removed with cleaning powder and
    steel brush.  When a floppy disk is rubbed with wax,
    Make sure both sides are processed. This will allow
    The floppy disk will spin faster and will reduce access time.

(3) Never bend floppy disks unless they are
    fit into the drive.  "Large" floppy disks can be bent and
    used in "small" disk drives.

(4) Never insert a floppy disk upside down into the drive. Dan-
    They can fall from the surface of the disc and jam the mechanics of the disc.
    driver

(5) Floppy disks cannot be copied by a copier. If yourdata
    need to copy, just insert two floppy disks into your diskette
    water Whenever you modify a document, the data is
    are recorded on both discs.  A convenient method for more
    quality backups: keep a box of iron filings
    on your desk. When you need two copies, add sawdust
    between floppy disks before inserting them into the drive.

(6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted while
    The drive light is on or blinking. Non-compliance may
    result in blurred or unreadable texts. Sometimes in-
    The speaker remains on, which is known as "stuck". If
    your system freezes, you probably need to insert a small
    number of coins before allowing access to the drive.

(7) If your floppy disk is full and you need more space
    memory, remove the disc from the drive and shake vigorously for
    for two minutes. This will ensure that the data is compressed sufficiently
    number to free up memory. Tape it before
    Tape all holes to prevent data loss.

(8) Data access time can be reduced by cutting
    more holes in the floppy disk envelope. This will provide
    more disk access points.

(9) Periodically spray floppy disks with dichlorvos to prevent
    Avoid the appearance of system bugs.

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Over one cave in the Crimea, two groups of specialists once met
leologists, Moscow and Simferopol. Moskovskaya went down to
cave, explored it, rises - and I must say that the cave
this one begins with a vertical trunk, along which one climbs
up on the ropes. And so, the group climbs on these ropes, and
the leader's forehead light goes out. “Well,” the guy thinks, “I won’t
climb without a forehead protector. I'll stay here, they're about to raise
they get confused, they count, they realize that one is missing, they come down
look down and bring me a new lantern. And I'll hang here for now
on ropes." And it hangs.
    The group got up and forgot to count themselves. But all night long
fell with the Simferopol woman, telling her - and there were guys mo-
young, mostly beginners - various manifestations of the Moscow
speleological folklore.  In particular, in detail - about
White Speleologist.
    And then the next morning the Simferopol group drops in. First
a guy comes down, who, having gone down about five meters, sees
next picture. A figure in white with a non-burning light peels off from the wall
forehead and hoarsely says: “Oh, man. And I’m so hungry-
Xia!"
    They say that the guy covered five meters up in less than
in less than a second.

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Two groups of five people are traveling on the Moscow-Simferopol train:
five climbers and five cavers. The climbers bought for five
five people tickets. Speleologists for five people bought one bi-
years  Control is underway.  Five of the speleologists locked themselves in the toilet.
Control knocks on the toilet door, the door opens slightly, you...
a hand reaches out, hands out a ticket, control punches the ticket
and moves on.
    Having learned about this, the climbers decided to also buy
drink one ticket. The cavers decided not to buy a ticket at all.
    And so the five climbers lock themselves in the toilet. knock on
door, the door opens slightly, a hand sticks out, extends
ticket.
    Cavers take a ticket and go to another toilet.

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 I climb into an American car (Plymouth, I don’t remember the model,
de Sunbird), well, there are electric windows and
There are three buttons: the top one is Windows up, the bottom one is Windows down and
center... screw it!  Windows 95! =8-O After long careful
experiments it turned out that when you press this button, Windows does not
They load, and the glass slides off halfway.  It turns out there on
glass marks, 16 pieces in total and9.5 is half a full stroke
glass What a pity! :)))

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 Fidoshnik.

Fidoshnik is equipped with a mailer.  Fidoshnik's mailer is illegal
copied.  He downloads mail. If the fidoshnik does not download mail,
then he is sleeping or has gone down. The fidoshnik cannot stop downloading mail.
Because the mailer always works.

When the fidoshnik turns on the modem, there is a sound on the telephone line.
If it's loud, it means the modem is good. If it’s not loud, it’s bad,
bad modem. A fidoshnik can jump from one BBS to another like this:
as deftly as a sailor jumping from the topsail to the bowsprit.

A skillfully treated fidoshnik drinks at least 30 liters, drops by
BBS and hangs on the phone line for two hours. The opinion of fidoshniks
always negative, especially when they say something incomprehensible
the words "SUKS" and "MASTDAY".

A strong fidoshnik (node) can download mail for two or more. Gi-
Gantian fidoshnik (hub) can bore you with the complaines of a small
N.C.

Synchronized feeders are found only in Australia and work in para-
mi, links, etc., right up to the network. Birthday of fidoshniks -
Friday, time - ZMH. The dose tolerated by the fidoshnik is 250 decibe-
catch either 40 liters of beer, or 220 volts, or two Moderatorals
[+].

In a liter can of fidoshnika beerit is impossible to drown. Fidoshnik-sa-
metz, made of reinforced concrete on a scale of 32:1, is the most
the best monument to Jenkens. 200 feeders united in a network
in the form of a continuous panel, they present a luxurious spectacle.

The Spanish kitchen fidoshnik is the only chewer in the world
animal, and its female, according to legend, is capable of sticking out of
Microsoft three-quarter windows.

A living fidoshnik differs from an ordinary one in temperature and performance.
property.  Night feeders download mail in complete darkness, with
eyes closed, typing text “blindly”, from memory. They are pre-
These were the hit-and-run fidoshniks who fell in the CPS.

There is no separate type of rabid fidoshniks (flamers),
however, the number of such in any population is 77%. Pink sing-
The fidoshnik, like its dancing variety, is found in
mainly in places where alcoholics gather.

Almost all city feeders are disposable, with plastic bottles.
9 Pin X 14400 BPS demos and variable computer configuration.
Industrial CM fidoschnik still causes controversy among computers.
topologians.  In particular, his ability to
reproduction, although in Kuzbass the so-called “bottom-hole” fi-
Doshniks sit in huge quantities on all computers and even
enjoy some civil rights along with speakers
lamers.

The main food of all types of fidoshniks is beer. Described as follows:cases of attacks by fidoshniks on bags with floppy disks and computers
CDs. Fidoshniks, as a rule, disdain each other. Slu-
conflicts between fidoshniks and people are rare, but in the Volga region there are
one must be wary of the laser-pressure fidoshnik, whose victims
narrow-minded people who neglect influential signs become
committees.  The flight speed of such a fidoshnik is 14400 characters per
second, he gets excited by mistakes in letters, is not afraid of the screams of
derator and always brings the job to the end. The complete opposite
he is a serene, downy fidoshnik who, as a rule, lives
in thickets and networks of windows and axles. He is, in essence, not
person, since he spends his whole life sitting at a computer, due to
why his fingers are fused with the keyboard, and his eyes perceive
only the image on the monitor screen. Feeds on frecks.

There is no pronounced hierarchy among fidoshniks at the ZC level -
Xia, although a large fidoshnik can easily bully a small one. B
in the event of an external threat, the Fidoshnikov-ZC colony has not yet been studied
immediately singles out the boss (usually IC) and defends himself under
his leadership.  After repelling the threat, such a fidoshnik becomes
turns into an Internet user and leaves the network.

The period for full maturation of a fidoshnik online is two weeks from the date
obtaining a point address. The little fidoshnik sits quietly and ka-
listens to everything the nodes give him. The main mistake of fidoshniks isintranodal overfeeding, due to which many people die
young users who managed to get out.

A hand-held fidoshnik is as rare a phenomenon as a foot-operated one, because
that you can tame a fidoshnik only with three now-forgotten ancient
in other words (there is an opinion that these words are FREE BEER FOREVER).
The home fidoshnik is stored wrapped in a soft film keyboard.
tur and with careful handling does not wake up.

In ancient times in Rus', fidoshniks served as walkers in the princely baths
spittoons for city authorities and telephone network owners,
drunk pickled fidoshniks decorated any feast, and
the bony, beautiful two-headed fidoshnik served as a prototype
emblems of the Chernobyl network.

And one last thing. If at some carnival you dress like fidosh-
nickname - fame, success and great luck in love await you. If, co-
Of course, you are not btpetutecb with outnumbered inter-
netchiks...

Andrei Novikov

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 I was walking with a friend and two other guys, one began to complain:
  - I got married, everything is fine, but now I have two children, I don’t have time for them
    There is no time to educate, my wife can barely cope. Overall :(
  My friend and I frowned. Suddenly the guy perked up and said
us:
  - Yurok, Rita, do a good deed?- Good is good, go ahead! - I reacted.
  - You’ll be raising children soon anyway, practice being able to-
    them, sit with them in the evening, and Seryoga, my wife and I will go
    Let's drink beer!

 Rita was scared, I wasn’t, or rather I didn’t show it.
  - Why, is it weak? Let's go to you! Rita, you're coming! - said
    I.
  - Where did you get the idea? - made a futile attempt to excuse myself
    passion.
  - What should I do then? Let's go, let's eat at the same time!

 My thoughts always go through my stomach. Dimka met us
cavalry, consisting of the eldest son with a saber, age 5
years My wife was cooking something in the kitchen. "Let's get drunk" - rationally
I thought. Diman quickly persuaded his wife to go with them, then we spent
They had 2 hours to do what needed to be done while they were not at home.
  - it turns out you can’t let children into the cupboard!!!
  - under no circumstances do anything sexual in their
    presence!!! Listening to this instruction, I cried and tore at myself.
    moose, teeth chattering.
  - the youngest (3 years old) needs to be fed at 7 o'clock!!!

 ...I thought it would be easy...
  and so on, another 273 valuable instructions.

 They left, and we were left alone with the children. The elder approached
and proudly said to us with the air of an elder:
  - And I know that you are not my dad!
  I almost fell off the sofa, realizing that it was useless for me to compete with him.sure.
  - Uncle, let's play Budyonny?
  I turned to Rita, she didn’t mind.
  - How?
  - Vitya (junior) will be white, we will cut him with a saber!!!!
  My parents didn’t tell me anything about this, I realized that I was raised
Raising a child is a troublesome task.
  “It’s not fair...” I tried to explain my life policy,
    but the child interrupted me:
  - Let your wife be for him!
  “She’s not my wife,” I tried to explain.
  - Wife, wife!! - the boy became capricious.
  “You see,” the 16-year-old girl tried to explain clearly.
    ha (it’s easier for her) :), We meet, there are problems, there are good
    neck, it’s too early for us to get married.
  The boy looked at us incredulously:
  - And my dad fell in love with my mother at first sight and immediately decided that
    marry her!
  - Who told you this? - I grinned.
  - Dad told mom that!
  “Everything is clear,” I thought, “And she probably believed...”

 Half an hour later we started playing "Cavalry". I was a horse
“Raven” (doesn’t that sound good?), Sasha (the eldest) sat on me with
saber.  Rita was the sentry guarding "White", we had to
"remove" it. I was against picking up such a girl :), so I played
I was in the mood. We quietly crept up to the White Guard post
tsev, and Sashka cut off Rita's... button! I was delighted, especially since
So, standing on all fours, I saw an erotic picture from below...
Well, you can look at the horses,probably...
 Rita said that this is a bad game, that I’m not playing correctly
lam, horses don't crawl right up to their feet, that they are tall and that I
Finally I’m a fool, and I turn everything into debauchery. The younger one shouted something
Sasha decided that this was capitulation and, with a satisfied face, began to approach me.
show transformers.
   Of course, I was terribly interested:
   -why does the Brawler have less speed in afterburner?
   -Where is the Autobot base?
   -the whole process of transforming Optimus Prime (visually)
   -technical characteristics of Galvatron
   In response, I wanted to quote him the price list of Bed-
nyaga", but Rita began to beg not to do this, that the child was only
begins to live that there is no need to cripple his psyche, and I decided to accept
drink to the unreasoned attacks of a friend. then we became cor-
beat the younger one.  Let me tell you straight away, he is a fool!!!! For free and don't want it
eat????????  In short, they barely squeezed some kind of food into him, porridge
I guess... I liked it. I wanted to eat it myself and say what it is
he ate it, but Rita replied that I was a sadist, that I shouldn’t
have children and she will think a hundred times before deciding
marry a beast like me!

 In general, we had a lot of trouble with them, the parents came after 4 hours,
when we sat stunned on the sofa and stared blankly at the ceiling.
Sometimes it seems like I’ll get married, raise children, and become cool!
...Ah, no,as I encountered a little child, in 4 hours I barely
remained alive.  And you, parents, who have children, who raise
son or daughter still manage to stay on their feet, work
thief, love your wife (husband)?
  Low bow to you from me and great respect for this difficult
work, raising a child. I went home under great impression,
something changed in me, something woke up.
  It’s how a mother and father love their child that they devote so much effort to
for many years, giving away your best years, your youth?

 Yuri Merkulov '97


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 A tale of RAM and ROM.

 Based on the children's fairy tale "The Whale and the Cat".

The user suddenly hung his nose - the CMOS battery died.
“We need a specialist here,” the user turned to Vist.
They sold the battery there and did not install it.
They didn't even say how. Why? - such a trifle.

The user took the system unit and removed the cover (What a current!
Fifty amps is a mess, I’ll come to my senses, it’s nonsense!)
I twisted it inside for five hours and picked up the battery.
Screwed the lid (two hours of work) (vice versa)

I pressed the POWER button and the fan screamed.
The computer works, but fuck, something is clearly wrong here.
Full of righteous grievances, the user runs to the lamer.
He told him: “Wait,neighbour. Let's turn to the Internet!"

After many problems I got to IBM.
With a smart look he says, “Your computer is naughty.”
They are sending a technical installation group from the USA.
(There is money - where can it go? Bring Billy Gates too!)

But also our fellow FidoNet specialists
We figured out the situation and sent a delegation.
With a roar, the Boeing landed on the field, and behind it -
(What more can I wish for you?) - FidoMIG one hundred and twenty-five.

Profits of a professor, hacker, programmer
Operators, adjusters and debuggers;
A couple of lamers I know, even a user from format.com.
An employee of "Vist" - a well-known swindler - arrived.

Representative of Microsoft, AMD, one sysop,
Intel, Dell, AT&T: do not pass, do not pass.
Even Microsystems Sun was invited to this forum.
All specialists in ROM, RAM and computers in general.

We spent two years sorting it out - my head was spinning.
Everything works fine, thoroughly checked.
The screw, the processor - everything is in order, right down to the lousy scarf!
There is only one problem - the rest is honor.

The computer does not have Setup:
"Pliz hit ~Del~ to si ~Dum two~."
I started "Doom two" and - up! -
 - Received AMI Setup.

So everyone would get to the point, but the self-taught sysop
A thought dawned on me - it was very wise:
There is no order in this fairy tale, there is a mistake, a typo!
Rearrange the payment - and behold, rejoice, rejoice, people!

Someone rearranged SIMM and BIOS against all rules:
I transferred RAM to ROM - and it was a big bummer!
And the reason is obvious: stupid userwas fiddling around.
I rearranged the RAM and ROM, but we can’t figure it out!

 Author unknown. ;(