╔════════════════════════ ═══════════════════ ═══════════════════╗ ║ Anecdotes. ║ ╙─────────────────────────────── ───────────────────────────────╜ The experimenters (E) placed the engineer in three different chambers (I), physics (F) and mathematics (M). And in each cell they placed a locked chest with food. In addition, everyone was given a pen and some paper. They closed it and left it for a week. A week later they come to (I) and see that he has successfully opened chest. (E): How??? (I): Very simple. I cunningly calculated everything, and then from the pen designed a key and opened it. Then they go to (F) - there is a similar situation. (E): How??? (F): Easy. I calculated where the castle is most vulnerable point and hit it quietly with a pen - it broke. Then they go to (M). He's furious, he hasn't opened the chest, he's running around his cell, insane. in my condition. All the walls and all the paper are covered with some kind of kami, calculations, logical reasoning. All reasoning is based on begin with the phrase: “Assume the opposite. Suppose the chest is open ...". * * * Once they gave a (C)statistician, a (V)veterinarian and a (P)physicist a task how find out which horse will win the race. They gave them $100 and a week deadline. A week has passed. S: Here are my calculations - ifanalyze the results of previous race - it will be possible to say which horse will win. Q: Here are my calculations - if you analyze what the horse is fed, how regularly you train - you can predict the results of its training steps. F: Actually, for accurate calculations I need another $100,000 and a year for development, but now I have a model ready for calculation victory of a spherical horse in a vacuum. * * * An airplane is in distress. The flight attendant announces that there is a chance to escape, but for this you need several volunteers willing to saving others to leave him. The Frenchman drank a glass of champagne with shouting - Long live France! throws himself out. The German drinks a glass cognac with a cry - Long live Germany! thrown away. Russian after drinking a glass of vodka and shouting, “Long live Africa!” throws it out two blacks. * * * Aladdin rubbed the ancient lamp, and the Genie immediately appeared. - Oh, lord! Thank you for freeing me! - exclaimed gin. Aladdin: So, my first wish... Jin: What are you talking about?! If I could make wishes come true, wouldn't it? Would I sit in this lousy lamp? * * * A fox is walking through the forest. Suddenly from the bushes: “Ku-ka-re-ku!” Notwill understand from which side. He goes further, again “Ku-ka-re-ku!” She rushed into the bushes... Fuss. A fox emerges from the bushes in a rumpled clothes, followed by a wolf: - This is what it means to know at least one foreign language! * * * The elf Legolas makes his way through the dark dungeons of the dwarves - no the fig is not visible, the darkness is dark, he stumbles over something, hits head, exclaims: - How do these damn gnomes navigate in the dark? Suddenly - the whistle of an ax, a blow, the sound of a falling body. Gnome Grim- or, wiping the ax: - By the voice, idiot, by the voice... * * * Two gentlemen are walking along the Thames embankment, suddenly they see next to A man falls on the bridge, begins to drown and shouts: - Help! I can not swim! Help! I can not swim! One gentleman to another (with sincere surprise): - It’s strange, I can’t swim either, but you can’t shout about it all over London!!! * * * - At what stage is the fight against drunkenness? - The first stage has been successfully completed: the snack has been eliminated! * * * - Do you smoke? - the doctor asks the patient. - No. - It's a pity. If you quit smoking now, this is verywould help the treatment. * * * Two Estonians meet. - I heard you bought a house? - It’s a small one, one room. - Yes, it makes no less sense. * * * ...The length of the minute depends on which side toilet door you are in. * * * Pathology in the Internet way: Every day I'm drawn to anekdot.ru. * * * Industrial gymnastics for bank employees. Radio says: - Feet shoulder-width apart, hands behind your head, facing the wall... * * * - Why don’t programmers fill the car with 95-grade gasoline? - They are afraid that he will hang. * * * - What newspapers have you subscribed to for this year? - Why do I need newspapers when there is the Internet? - Will you go to the restroom with a keyboard? * * * A programmer at an appointment with an eye doctor. - Can you read this table row? (shows "KSHMYBI") - Doctor, your encoding is configured incorrectly. * * * Exam in progress. Suddenly the door swings open and a A drunk student pours into the blackboard: (C) - Professor! And m-can a d-drunk student...h...pass exam? :*) (P) with irony - Well, if he thinks he’s ready, let him pass. (C) - Guys! Bring in a friend! * * * The colonel says to his deputy: - Tomorrow at 10.00 there will be a solar eclipse, which does not happen every day. All personnel should be lined up next to the barracks so that everyone could watch! If it rains, then build everyone in gym! The deputy tells the captain: - Tomorrow at 10.00 there will be a solar eclipse. If it rains, then it rains can be observed from outside the barracks, and the eclipse will occur in gym, which doesn’t happen every day! Captain to lieutenant: - By order of the Colonel, tomorrow a soldier will be held in the gym. late eclipse. If it rains, everyone will go outside! Lieutenant to Sergeant: - Tomorrow the colonel is holding a solar eclipse in the gym, which Now it will happen every time it rains. Sergeant to soldiers: - Tomorrow all dismissals are canceled due to the eclipse of the colonel - from the sun. If it rains in the gym, which doesn't happen every time, everyone line up next to the barracks! * * * In short, a man walks around the park, watching the rides. He sees one - a huge queue, a lot of people... Well, I bought a ticket and stood up in line, standing, standing. Well, it's almost his turn, he looks - the man in front of him bends his head and sticks it in hole in the wall of the house, then with a sharp movement he sticks out and lives behind a house. Well, the guy, naturally, has no idea what it is. He comes up, sticks his head in, and then someone kicks him in the head damn!!! A man with thoughts - well, I’ll find him in a minute, who hit him - I’ll kill him, runs around house and sees - there is nothing on the other side, only a wall, in it there is a hole, and there is someone’s head sticking out........... * * * A traffic cop stops a car: - Congratulations, on this section of the road you are the only one who has not violated sewed traffic rules. You are entitled to a bonus in the amount 10,000 dollars. Driver: - Cool, I’ll buy myself the rights! From the salon wife: - Yes, don’t listen to him when he’s drunk! Mother-in-law from the back seat: “I told you, you won’t get far in a stolen car!” My father-in-law woke up in the same back seat: - Why are you making noise? Are we beyond the cardboard already?! * * * Two tourists chatting (1) - Did you go through customs? (2) - Passed. (1) -Did you find anything? (2) - Found the glasses I've been looking for for 2 days! * * * A man came to go fishing, and there were also a lot of people there. he has went fishing, set up a tent, went to bed, suddenly wakes up and hears somewhere far away: Oh Blah, then closer, then even closer, completely close. Well, he grabs the paddle, turns to the door and waits. Suddenly a face pokes through: - Man, do you have any matches??? The guy immediately boomed him. - Oh Bl& * * * In Hollywood, one director invited tens of a crowd of extras. - You will ruin me! - the producer shouts at him. - Don't worry! I ordered during filming shoot real projectiles. * * * Winter... Night... January 1... 4 o'clock in the morning... Bus... A drunk man stumbles in, half a bottle of vodka in one hand, in the other - an empty glass... The ticket agent (in a vile voice): “Man! What about the fare!?” The man, as if waking up: “Oh! Exactly! For the fare!” gul gul gul gul - pouring vodka into a glass... * * * A plane is flying, soldiers are preparing to jump. One doesn't want to. (S)tarshina: why don’t you jump? (P)atrooper: (in a trembling voice) Mommy for mein a dream I had a dream and said the parachute won’t open!.. (S): Come here! Dress mine. They exchanged and jumped. (C): Your maaaaaaaaaat... * * * The new Russian has died. The notary reads the will: "... and Ivano- to Wu, to whom I promised not to forget him when drawing up my will, I convey my heartfelt greetings..." * * * The Three-Headed Serpent Gorynych caught an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian th. An ordinary Russian - he works on a collective farm on a farm. “Now,” he says, “I’ll eat you.” But I give one chance to stay in alive. Here's the condition. Let's say you come home earlier than usual and you find your wife in bed with her lover. What are your actions? Who will answer in such a way that my three heads will laugh, he will remain in alive. The Englishman came out first... - Well, like a true gentleman, I won’t start scandals, I’ll just say: “Friend, move over,” and go to bed. Laughed only one head... The Frenchman came out. - Well, like a true gentleman, I calmly go downstairs and take I bring my mistress to me and lie down with her next to this couples. The two heads laughed. The Russian came out. An ordinary Russian - on a collective farm on a farm works. The hat with ear flaps is greasy, the face is dirty... - Well, like a true gentleman... All three headsI'll burst into tears whether with laughter. * * * In a restaurant, a new Russian asks the waiter: - Is there wild duck on the menu? - No, but we can anger your family for you! * * * The rower says to his friend: - No, I won't get on the boat with Felix anymore. - Why, doesn’t he know how to row? - No, he just has SUCH EARS that you can’t rake against the wind! * * * An alarmed husband asks his wife: -Have you noticed that our daughter has recently Has your belly grown over time? - So what ? - It seems to me that in the evenings, when we are in the evenings, when we go to bed... - What are you hinting at? :-( ) - I think she gets up and eats cakes from the refrigerator... * * * A zoology lesson is going on at school. The teacher calls Vovochka to the board and asks: - Tell us, please, who is a hippopotamus? - This is a crazy fish... - What about the fish if it lives on land? - So I say that I’m crazy!!! * * * Call to the morgue. - Hello, is this a morgue? Tell me, haven't you seen a man in years?a magpie with a pistol in his pocket? - Are there any special signs? - Yes, when he screams, he stutters... * * * 600 are rushing through the evening city at very high speed Mercedes and jeep "Cherokee". Fly through one intersection at a red light or second, third, let's go along the lanes and lanes, suddenly The 600 drives into some kind of dead end, stops, and hits him in the ass with The Cherokee flies in at full speed, HP crawls out of both cars, the one who was behind in the Cherokee takes out his cell phone, picks up the number and says: - Listen, this... Seryoga is a little girl. :) * * * So HP returns home, approaches the trolleybus and says: - Hey, buddy, take him home for 100 bucks. -Where is the house located? - Like where!? In Khimki! - But I can’t! There are no electrical wires there! - Listen, what about 300 huh!? - OK. Only money FORWARD!!! Well, that means they’re approaching the house. The driver looks and says - What about something? everything is nepekonaho with you. - Yes, I was returning home by train yesterday. * * * IQ testing of representatives of various nations is underway. With this the purpose of the Japanese, American and naturally Russian are placed according to alone in completely enclosed spaces. They take away clothes andeverything whatever is possible. Only two brains are left to work steel balls for everyone. They wait exactly one day. They're going to check who what I came up with: A Japanese man sits in the corner of the room in a pose and meditates, looking at two balls standing in an impossible position on top of each other friend in the center of the room. The commission leaves shaking their heads. The American is sitting in the corner of the room. The first ball is in his hands, and the second lies in the center of the room. He throws the first ball into the second, the first takes exactly the place of the second, and the second is on the way having hit three walls, it returns straight into his hands. After why the balls change places. The surprised commission goes to third room. The Russian is sleeping. Awakened, when asked where the balls are and what he can- He wants to show it to the commission, the man hesitates for a long time and finally answers: "Guys, whatever I will be, believe it or not, one broke - the other lost... " * * * HP is selling a car. - Is the car new? - New, new! It has a new body, new engine, gearbox new, new rear axle, new front suspension, steering column It's new and even the cardan is new! Everything about it is completely new! . - Why are you selling? - I want an even newer one! * * * The 600th Mercedes stops at a traffic light and sees from behindslows down The “constipation” is all fancy and shiny with tinted windows. A man gets out of his asshole and knocks on the Mercedes window. Opens window. Asshole driver (F): Man, do you have fax paper? And then se- An important fax is about to arrive, and the roll is read. Mercedes driver (M): (Very surprised) No. The driver of the asshole runs away, gets into the car and the asshole disappears behind horizon. A guy in a Merc comes to the office and shouts: “Like, run so that there are 2 fax machines in the car and the entire interior is filled with paper." Sa- gets into the car and drives around the city to look for an asshole, drives for an hour, two, three and sees this brilliant ass standing in the gateway. Knocking on window. The window opens and a half-naked, steamed man climbs out man. M: Man, I brought you a paper here. Zh: Well, you give it! It's little things like this that get me out of the bath...
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