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║ JOKES ║
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Airport abroad. Our guy came into the bar
man. Standing at the counter next to one
Japanese. I drank a couple of drinks, and something was wrong with him.
This Japanese didn't like it.
- Hey, oblique, let's go out, norobo-
rome
They went out the door, there was a sound
pa and a Japanese voice is heard:
- Japanese knock, however, jiujitsu
called.
The Japanese man returns to the bar, followed by
Dit Russian with a black eye. Drank
a couple more drinks.
- Listen, Japanese, let's go out, norobo-
rome We left. The sound of a blow. Japanese voice:
- Japanese stuff, however, is called karate
is happening.
Following the Japanese, a Russian comes in,
now there is a black eye under each eye.
A couple more drinks.
- Listen, Japanese, let's go out, norobo-
rome
The door closed behind them. The official
the genetic sound of a blow, and the voice of our man:- A Japanese thing, however, the bumper is from
"Toyota" is called...
The lawyer comes to his senses after surgery
in the hospital room and discovers that
All windows are covered with thick curtains.
- Why are there curtains on the windows? - he asked
at the nurse's. - Is the light harmful to me?
- No, there’s just a fire in the house opposite, and
we covered the windows so you wouldn't think
that the operation was unsuccessful...
The new Russian, about to get married, goes
to an architect to design a house
for his future family, and says:
- I need a round house.
- How round?
- I said round, all round.
- What about the floor, ceiling, furniture and everything?
the rest?
- Don’t you understand, freak? I made it clear
hall: it should finally be round!
- But can you at least say why?
- Yes, mother-in-law, damn it, says, like, you have
there is a corner for me...
Girl, 90/60/90, looking for adventure on
your second 90.
New Year's Eve. Walking along the road
ka. There are 4 bags in each hand, it’s heavy.
Suddenly, right in front of her from the gateway,
kakubaet exhibitionist,throws open
cloak Auntie looks at him sadly
glance, then sighs:
- Damn it, I forgot to buy eggs!
Behind the door of the audience you can hear an insinuating
teacher's voice:
- So, girl, spread your legs, take-
hold the instrument in your hands and place it between
duh feet And now smoothly: back and forth, there...
yes-here. And relax: the cello is not
tolerates no violence...
There is a traffic cop on duty. Suddenly he looks
The old "Cossack" is coming! Stops
him...
Traffic cop:
- What, man, no money for a decent car?
buy?
Driver:
- If I had money, I would
better buy the right!
Wife:
- I told you: don’t drink, don’t drink!
Mother-in-law:
- You can't go far in a stolen car!
Woke up grandfather:
- What, did they find heroin?
Two friends:
- Hello, dear! How was the New Year?
- Yes, as always, in bed...
- And there were a lot of people?The doctor meets his old patient
ta...
- Hello, you spoke surprisingly well -
look! How is your ulcer?
- I went to my mother for a week!
On trial:
- Victim, why didn’t you scream?
when did the defendant rape you?
- He threatened me.
- And how did he threaten you?
- If you scream, I’ll take it out!
One man asks another:
-Are you going fishing?
- No.
- Why?
- Because I read in ropockone that
Today is a favorable day for fish.
In the pharmacy:
- Give me something for the consequences.
- What do you need, a condom?
- No, it’s already diapers.
The girl says to the doctor:
- Doctor, I really don’t know how to get rid of you -
give thanks...
- You know, you know how...
The new Russian was summoned to the tax office
police station They ask:- Here you are in the declaration of income for the past -
last year indicated that they earned six
million, and, according to our data, spent
during this period at least eight million
new What does this mean, good sir?
- What do you mean, what do you mean... Just not
I can make ends meet!
A man won a lot of money in Sportloto.
Friends pester:
- Nevermind! How did you manage to do this?
Sports lotto and win?
- Yes, you see... I had a dream.
Six cemepok. Well I bet on forty
nine - and won!
- I didn’t get it... Six seven is forty
two...
- Well, go barefoot with your math!
Vasily Ivanovich and Petka decided to
drink to the academy. There, one of the conditions
dullness - write an essay “How we
We spend our leisure time." Well, the guys think -
what kind of leisure time they don’t know, let’s go to Fur-
mahoby: explain what kind of word it is
"leisure". Furmanov tells them: “leisure”
this is almost the same as “up to bitches”, or rather
free time. Civilian heroes go and
discuss: free time is either
We drink vodka, or we go to bitches, that’s pi-
what the hell? Come on, Petka, let’s write it like this: by
women - go fishing, awhen we drink vodka-
We read books. On the exam they write:
Petka and I woke up with a headache.
from books read. Look, one book
The piece of writing is worth unread. Read quickly
po, then we collected all the book covers,
went, handed it over and bought one small bro-
Shyurka. We went to the headquarters to read it, look
- Furmanov is coming, full of books. On-
read, letters came out of my mouth. Then
let's go fishing. Petka and I are nothing
caught, and Furmanov caught. After that
he hooked his hook for two weeks in potassium permanganate
rinse...
- Abram, look, the guests went to tya-
years, they didn’t wash their hands, and then they take them with their hands
sugar.
- What will I do?
- What, there are sugar tongs in the closet -
pa.
- ....Abram! Where are the tongs?
- Like where? They've been hanging in the toilet for a long time...
A man no longer young approaches the mirror.
Kalu, considers himself:
- Yes, the hair is already sparse, the skin is flabby -
It’s pretty, and there are so many wrinkles!!! Tummy
It’s been hanging for a long time, there are no muscles. Turn-
it turns out that in his bed lies a luxurious
blonde. He:
- You must love money so much...
Eat twoBrother's coleslaw. Star-
The younger brother says to the younger one:
- Well, we're just like goats with you.
The younger one answers:
- There is only one goat here, I am a bunny.
A charming blonde comes to the doctor
Dinka and says:
- Doctor, something happened to my memory -
moose Everything that happens to me is through
I forget in five minutes.
Doctor:
- Yes, this is serious, very serious. Well
Well, undress, lie down on the couch-
full stop...
A mother says to her 16-year-old daughter:
- Daughter, it's time to talk about
where do children come from? You've probably already
you know that a baby is growing in your tummy
mother...
Daughter:
- This is all just for fun, of course, but
tell me better how to imitate op-
Gasm...!
A guy comes into a cafe and reads the price-
band:
Hamburger - $2
...
...
Blowjob - 20$
Looks behinda saleswoman stands at the counter
- stunning blonde, all in
her. Guy:
- Excuse me, who gives you blowjobs?
A blonde with a languid smile on her lips:
- I do, but what?
Guy:
- Then please wash your hands - I
hamburger...
The trial is underway.
- Defendant, do you admit that you are vi-
new to rape?
- Under no circumstances! I had her from behind, and
She could have crawled away quite easily!...
Husband and wife after 25 years of marriage
lives decided to celebrate this event.
They went to the same hotel where 25
years ago we spent our honeymoon,
They took the same number. The wife tells her husband
zhu:
- Darling, let's repeat that crazy
an act of love that happened to us 25 years ago
back in this room. We will undress at once
rooms and upon signal we will open the doors and
Let's run towards each other. Husband has an idea
didn’t really like it, but he decided not to spoil it
to give my wife a holiday and agreed. Here they are
undressed and ran out at the signal
from the rooms. But the husband missed the uhe-
tion jumped out the window. He woke up lying
in the flowerbed, the bellhop bent over him:
-Do you need anything?
- Give me something to cover myself with
get to the room.
- Yes, you can go completely calmly.
just like that, there’s no one in the hall anyway.
Everyone went to watch how they pulled out some
then the naked lady from the toilet.
Bo time of the first American flight to
Moon, Armstrong, leaving the rocket
carried the historical phrase: "A small step
for a person, a huge leap for a person
quality". And he added in a low voice: “Good luck,
Mr. Gorsky." Upon returning to Earth
Liu, for 10 years persistent journalists
tried to get Armstrong to explain
saying this phrase, but he answered all questions
He said that he couldn’t say anything. Vop-
grew up became traditional, as did the answer.
Suddenly, 15 years after the flight,
having received a standard
question: “Who is this guy anyway?
Mr. Gorsky?", Armstrong unexpectedly
replied that since Mr. Gorsky had died,
he feels entitled to explain:
- When I was 7 years old, my brother and I played
They played baseball in the yard. Brother too
hit the ball hard and it fell under the
we are the bedrooms of our neighbors, gentlemen Gors-
kih. I ran to pick up the ball and heard
as Mrs. Gorskaya says to her husband: “Oral-
new sex? Do you want oral sex? You
himyou get it when the neighbor's boy
will walk on the moon!"
A story told by one of my
girlfriends:
Warm summer evening, smoothly passing
into the night... I'm coming home with another
partying. On a bench in front of my family's entrance
grannies are sitting in the house, and mine is among them...
they judge, as expected, everything that moves
and doesn’t move... I get out of the car and my
granny on the offensive:
- Look what a slut is coming, huh?
her skirt is higher than the waist, wherever she goes
They are watching. Yes, they need to be in the police
hand over to be re-educated... - grandmother
said all this in one breath and was amazed
stood up for a breath of oxygen. I'm into it
I stand in front of the door and wait for the continuation
banquet But then one of the grannies looks -
comes and recognizes me, with horror:
- Man, you’re completely stunned, it’s yours
granddaughter! Grandma lets out all the air,
then he dials again, then he opens his hands -
ki, gets up, then sits down, gets up again:
- Oh, daughter... Here, ladies, look -
those like the new generation progressively dressed
is formed, just like in the West, neither complex
owls, nothing. A smile on grandma's face,
grannies laughing...
A story from Sochi. Loading along the aisle
gosya "Ukapyca" there are twogirly yo
9. It seems that if they study "pycc-
cue", then not very diligently. First,
looking around, he speaks in a full voice
gun:
- Let's go to the back, together we'll end up
let's sit down... Judging by the reaction of passengers,
the meaning of what was said reached not only the men
kov.
SOCIABLE AESTHETTE, OR
IN GUESTS WITHOUT COMPLEXES.
- Hello! Well, you got carried away! On
Prestigious area, haven't you thought about changing? Although
who will come here!
- It’s darker on the landing than
you in the hallway. For public toilet
but, of course, it’s convenient.
- Don’t you quarrel with your neighbors? And then
their whole hand is covered in snot and the bell is spat upon -
ny.
- I don’t understand something, whether it’s from my
Does it smell like socks, or is it from your slippers?
- Oh, what a cat, she doesn’t have worms,
What do you use to remove fleas?
- What is it with your dog, I don’t cut it -
ringworm? And the little eye rots. She's not so-
sa? Why is she like this, some kind of all-
wobbly and lame? There's no closet for her
fell? He's wobbly for some reason. Lovers don't
fall out? Kidding!
- And you have everythingkids paxutuku, or
only the youngest?
- How high your ceilings are! Even my uncle
Styopa can hang himself!
- Wow! Aivazovsky! That's right, than on
watch scripts without pants, better
reproductions nohabecutb. And thieves are not afraid -
but what a fool would go after them!
- And your parquet creaks on purpose,
so that the older boy does not enter your bedroom
did you spy?
- Doesn’t it inject you yet? And in the police
never been? Thank God, with such a co-
The army is not in the cards for him.
- Do you have sex according to need, or according to
graphics?
- Is your girl already protected?
Do you often stay away from home? From the panel now oh
how difficult it is to resist!
- Let me make some tea for myself. And kycko-
How much sugar do you have to save money? These are these
didn’t grandma suck the round pieces?
- Does your hood work? Or somewhere
sewer burst?
- We baked the pies ourselves, or we managed to get them
before the bakery closes for renovations?
- Wow, what healthy apples! No damn-
Nobylskie?
- Don't think that I thought that
these are not poppy seeds from the braid, but
tapakahbu excrement.
- And you probably rarely put a tablecloth -
those? Just two spots, though visibleplace...
- And the toilet flushes so often,
Granny probably has diarrhea?
- Oh, mushrooms! Grandma didn’t give them yesterday
did you like it?
- Don’t be shy! Let me have some bread-
I’ll take the shek from your hands. Psoriasis is not
contagious!
- Yesterday, too, visiting some “Map-
teeny" were treated. So, imagine, in their
a bottle of ordinary Moldovan vermouth was on-
lit!
- Oh, yum-yum, sturgeon!! And how good
preserved!! And you don’t have a refrigerator
model?
- Although your light bulb is weak, one
for the whole apartment, and for the light, I suppose,
runs in person?
- Does your husband watch advertisements for dandruff?
- Do you trust advertising about pads?
- And in the toilet you have special wallpaper
brown?
- Your bathtub is very scratched -
panaha. They say maniacs love to work in them -
py to dismember.
- Doesn’t your husband beat you? Or is it your poppies?
I mean like that?
- Okay, goodbye! I'll go bye bye
light, otherwise at night everything in your area is
You'll break your gi.
- I’ll support the door from the outside, and you’ll support yourself
pull, then it will close more tightly.
-I'll look again sometime if I'm in the elevator
I won't suffocate.
Crossroads. Red light at the traffic light.
Three or four cars are standing, waiting for the green light.
A heavy cargo vehicle is rushing from behind at an alarming speed.
zovik, and, not having time to brake, hits
the last car standing. Ta, in your
queue - standing in front of her, and so on
along the chain. In short, the front one flies away
yes, in the middle of the intersection. Everything is open
they slam the doors, jump out, don’t understand anything
May. The door of the truck opens and...
does not go out there and does not fall out, but literally
but flows down the steps into nothing drunk
the driver inspects the destruction caused and
asks with interest: “Guys, do you have
Are you here, is there an accident, or what?”
The story of the solidarity of traders in the ba-
dawn In Kyiv at the clothing market near the railway station
hall A woman buys a blouse, but very
doubts. Measures. Looks big
mirror and expresses his doubts about
about the purchase. B counter opposite the entrance
the saleswoman who left for a while,
overhears the conversation and comments:
- Woman, the trousers fit very nicely,
buy and don't think twice!
Woman:
- Of course, because I’m taking a blouse and trousers
and so are mine!Volga. Embankment. Lots of people, cafe,
free artists. Among them, one is
involves the production of your profile,
cutting out from thick paper. At his stand
written on one side “I will make your
profile in 3 minutes", and on the other hand
in rather large letters it says "You-
I'm killing the whole family."
Recently I was traveling with a friend by car and
dim: there is a minibus ahead with the inscription:
"Sorry, bro, that's the job."
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