Humor - Stirlitz. How do hedgehogs reproduce?

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           S H T I R L I T Z              
                                       PART ONE      
      
      
      
 PREFACE.     
      
It was snowing outside the window and a company of Red Army soldiers-  
tsev.  Joseph Vissarionovich turned away from  
window and asked:   
 - Comrade Zhyukov, have you not been killed yet?     
 - No, Comrade Stalin.                 
 - Then let me smoke.                
Zhukov sighed obediently and took it out from the right one  
pocket the Kazbek box and handed it out  
Stalin.  Chopping several cigarettes into  
handset, the commander-in-chief thoughtfully at-  
smoked from an outstretched match. In ten  
minutes he asked:   
 - How are things on the Western Front?   
 “They are fighting,” Zhukov answered simply.        
 - How does Comrade Isaev feel?  
 “It’s difficult for him,” Zhukov said sadly.  
 - That's good, - said Stalin, - I have  
there is a new task for him....   
And outside the window it was snowing and a company of Krasnoar-  
meytsev.                                   
   
 CHAPTER 1    
    
Low smoked ceiling zucchini-  
ka "The Three Little Pigs" was almost black from the sa-  
well, the walls were painted with scenes from  
famous fairy tale in honor of which it was  
named zucchini. They fed in zucchini not  
very good, we tried even worse, but it's not  
scared off its regulars.  Scared away  
they are different.  Recently, I went to the zucchini  
Standartenführer SS came to look in  
von Stirlitz.                              
 And now he was sitting at the farthest station -  
face, which was filled with food for the family -  
rich, and bottles for eight.  Stirlitz  
he was alone and didn't wait for anyone. Sometimes he  
it became boring, he pulled it out  
Mauser pocket with dedicatory inscription  
"To the Chekist Isaev for the liberation of Dalny  
East from Felix Edmundovich Dzerzhins-  
whom" and with the accuracy of a true thief-  
Lovsky shooter shot the hiding ones -  
cockroaches in the corners.                    
 - Got it here! - he yelled, - a mess!  
 And indeed, the zucchini was a mess.  
The floor was covered in cheap wine, spit on and  
littered with cigarette butts.  It was impressive -  
the idea that everyone considered it their duty if  
don't puke on the floor, then at least spit  
or spill something.  Thatand that's it, stu-  
walking through puddles and swearing, they passed the official  
cers.  At the next table there are four ese-  
Soviet men dirtyly pestered a pretty girl  
to the waitress. She liked it and she was stupid  
giggled.  In the corner, with his face buried in the sa-  
squid armor, a drunken sergeant was lying around  
the officer is without boots, but wearing suspenders.  Sometimes  
he began to toss and turn dissatisfied and emitted -  
loud obscene sounds. Two front  
Tovika, drinking schnapps at the counter, quietly  
talked about the events at Kurskaya Du-  
ge.  A young lieutenant in the company  
two girls of suspicious appearance  
he loudly talked about how young he was.  
kid, and how well he shoots from a pistol-  
summer.                                     
 Stirlitz took a sip from a mug of large glo-  
current of beer, picked a fork in the can of tu-  
shanks and looked around with a keen gaze.  
crushing reality of decaying  
Germany, occasionally lingering glance at  
some outstanding details are revealed -  
waitresses between the tables.           
 - What bastards these Russians are, - surprise-  
this was said for everyone by the young lieutenant-  
Nantik, - I would put them all in one place -  
go and shot in turn.                  
 Silence reigned in the room.  All  
looked at Stirlitz. Stirlitz spat outa piece of stew stood up, and, knocking over three  
table, marched up to the back  
to the former lieutenant.                     
 “Fascist pig,” he muttered and  
slapped the lieutenant in the face.               
 - Sorry, I don’t quite understand... -   
the dumbfounded lieutenant stammered.         
 Stirlitz lost his temper and, grabbing the ta-  
burette, brought it down on the unlucky guy's head -  
to the second lieutenant. The lieutenant fell, and Stirlitz  
began to kick him viciously.           
 - I am Russian intelligence officer Isaev and do not pos-  
will to insult the dirty German dog  
Russian officer!                         
 Four SS men rushedseparate  
fighting. Cheerful Stirlitz from -  
dragged from the groaning lieutenant and to  
to calm down, they offered to drink to the Motherland,  
for Stalin.                               
 - Yes, - said Stirlitz, a little calmed down -  
cooped up, he drank a mug of schnapps, redhead  
The SS man readily poured a second one,  
Stirlitz drank more, the lieutenant began to hate him  
interesting.                                
 - Well, how can it be, - whispered one of the  
front-line soldiers to a sobbing lieutenant, - at  
Stirlitz himself says this about the Russians  
and even in such expressions! I would like to  
I killed him there.                           
 -Stirlitz is a kind soul, sighed  
second front-line soldier, - I remember three days on -  
they beat a Japanese spy here, that's all  
they kicked, but Stirlitz did not   
 - The kindest man, - confirmed  
the first front-line soldier, and they brought out the lieutenant-  
to the fresh air.                      
Stirlitz, hugging the SS men,  
sang “Hitler Soldaten” loudly.            
A drunken non-commissioned officer raised his head from  
salad, looked around the room with a dull gaze and re-  
he shouted in triumph:   
 - Heil Hitler!                        
The whole hall jumped up, throwing up their hands, the walls  
trembled from the answering roar:  - Sieg Heil!!!                         
And Stirlitz was already asleep, he dreamed about his co-  
lovya, Russian field and birch trees, dreamed  
there are naked girls swimming in the lake, and  
he spied on them from the bushes.         
He's sleeping now, but in exactly half an hour-  
he will wake up to continue his work  
hard work, necessary for the Motherland.