PriKOLIKI

23 March 1999

PriKOLIKI

He that hath a VCR, let him see.
(Overview of new movie releases)

THE POLE. An erotic melodrama about the complicated life of striptease performers. The film's core backbone is the pole, around which the main heroine revolves and unravels.
ROAD TO LIFE. A new film adaptation of the old movie tells the story of the rise of Russian business—showing how yesterday's homeless street urchins, thieves, and killers turn into the new Russian businessman.
THE CITY. Having arrived in City X, the main heroine (played by the inimitable Whoopi Goldberg—DANCES WITH HUMANS) becomes a witness to bizarre events. Utterly shocked, she heads back to the village...
HEART OF A LOADER. A melancholic film about the tragic life of a cargo loader earning himself a hernia through backbreaking labor. Before dying in bed, he passes his hernia on to his son. This is the only bedroom scene in the movie. There is no happy ending, which makes it feel unfinished.
WITHOUT EVEN STARTING (Los Angeles Film, 1995, runtime: 7 min.)
A gang that had terrorized the entire city for several years mistakenly kills the film's protagonist. With that, the film ends, having practically never even begun.
A YOUNG YOUTH (India).
I really enjoyed this movie. I especially liked the main character because he is very kind and strong. I want to be like him, shoot straight, and sleep with various women. Make sure you go see this movie, because it is very interesting and good.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SOLDIER'S Chuckles

A soldier has a head to think with, and brains to figure things out.
A coniferous forest burns better than a woody one.
I don't know how it should be done, but you're doing it wrong.
Some comedian came by earlier, asking if this could be replaced with that. I told him: "NO!" First over there, and then over here.
Yes, I'm a man of principle, but I'm not an idiot.
An ellipse is a kind of circle into which you can fit a square measuring twenty-five by forty.
A cannon fires first along a parabola, and then by inertia.
You can't just keep breaking things all the time; you need something to sit on too.
A combat bulletin must be a combat bulletin, because after all, it is a combat bulletin.
Cadet, take your hands out of your mouth!
I'll rip your hands off right now so you stop babbling all over the place.
All buttons must be sewn on dead tight, like a railroad crossing gate.
I'm going to write straight, and by nationality, I'm Georgian.
Do not point weapons at people, even if they are loaded.
Let's inscribe an ellipse into a square, draw a tangent at a 45-degree angle... What are you neighing at?! They've been using this method in the States for ages.
Comrade cadets! Upon detecting the flash of a nuclear explosion, the most important thing is to turn your back to it, so that molten steel from the bayonet doesn't drip onto your reproductive organs or government-issued boots.
My last name is Major Repyev.
And starting at 17:00, we will clear the snow using communists.
This isn't a bald spot; it's just a very wide parting.
The vehicle jumped and ran over the soldier.
In the States, they invented a new bullet—caseless; now they are inventing an assault rifle for it.
You are from the Stone Age, and I am from the Wooden one.
There is no need to insult me! I have been insulted by highly qualified specialists.
To whom are you sleeping?
Whom are we sitting?
Who am I to you: a major in the Soviet Army or a steam train whistle at the Kursk railway station?
A wife goes blind without intercourse.
To the ministry by means of communication.
I respect Moscow because I'm from Tambov myself.
Athletic uniform is shorts and slippers; whoever doesn't have them gets boots and an undershirt.
And I have the right that he can say such a thing.
Oh, these Americans—all those Reagans and Thatchers.
Top secret documents must be burned prior to reading!
A billion is an enormous sum, just like a hundred million.
Comrade cadet! You are behaving like the African ostrich bird, which from the height of its flight fails to see the general party line.
Any moment now, people will start breeding peacocks! They'll start fluttering around, pecking at whatever, shitting all over the equipment.
What are you doing?! While I'm where?!
Keep it down, or the tea will get cold.
There were ten buckets. I don't eat them here; my wife goes to the market and buys them for me.
How do you moisten a bandage if there's no water? Think about it!
Intellectual work performed by the biceps of the right hemisphere.
In case of an alert, trousers must be laid out on the stool with the fly facing the exit.
The fence fell down two days ago, and it's still standing there like that.
And don't you try shifting the blame from a sick head onto a healthy ass.
You make as good a soldier as shit makes an artillery shell.
An aperture is welded to the bottom of the device.
Once you've done as much useless stuff in life as I have, then you can criticize me!
When will we get normal, human eggs in our cafeteria?
The Ministry of Internal Affairs currently answers to the Ministry of Internal Affairs.
Mines can be tank mines or anti-tank mines.
The only thing that hasn't crawled over her is a tank.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

From S-INFO

She goes, "Make me a baby and you won't get drafted into the army!" That's right when I remembered that serving in the army is my sacred duty...
My husband thinks the baby is his, but I know it's from another guy. So we just walk around the apartment in silence—each thinking our own thoughts...
I thought he was a real man, but he turned out to be even worse...
When my friend had that Caesarean operation done, she turned completely stupid...
He was modest and polite, brought flowers, read Pasternak, and then suddenly declared that anal sex helps with constipation...
I saw a letter from some psycho in your paper and decided to write in too—am I any worse?
I asked her to sleep with me, and she agreed immediately. Such behavior utterly shocked me...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CLASSIFIEDS

Job offer!
Chief Accountant wanted with at least 2 years of prison experience.
Tel.: 101-20-23

Are you young and energetic? Do you have plenty of fresh ideas? Here's another one for you: go join the army!
— District Military Enlistment Office.

For sale: "Horizontik" TV.
Features: 'picture-in-picture', 'picture-in-picture-in-picture', and also 'picture-in-picture-in-picture-in-picture'.
But that's not all! It also features: "ON" and "OFF"!
Tel.: 991-11-199.

URGENT SALE: "Elegy" piano.
6 Otboynaya St., Apt. 78. At first we'll be a little surprised, but just keep insisting.
For inquiries, check the apartment across the hall!

Due to renovations in the hair salon, styling of women will take place in the men's hall.

The workshop is not accepting orders for belts—the lower back flared up.

Due to the cold in the X-ray room, we only process urgent fractures.

By agreement with the administration, the New Year's party has been postponed to March 8th.

Will trade a VAZ-2109 (reported stolen since March 1994) for a car with a more recent theft date.

For sale: Yeltsin matryoshka doll.
By opening the dolls one after another, you can trace the president's life path all the way back to conception.

Selling a toilet with a direct drain into the cistern.

On February 27, a girl was left behind in a gray "VOLGA".
Please return at least her documents.

Buying weapons, drugs.
Intermediary phone number: 02.

'DEX-ELECTRONICS' is looking for a radio technician laboratory assistant / programmer.

Main requirements:

Must be able to chug Vodka/Moonshine straight from a jar without chasers.
Must be able to serenade half the neighborhood with drunken songs such as:
Gophers in the snow,
Pink against the white,
Whatever shall I do with you,
You gophers in the snow!
Must pour equal rounds.
Must be able to locate Vodka/Moonshine at 2 AM.
Must know at least eight spots (meaning moonshine joints, not pixels in a byte).
Must honor and respect Vodka in pocket flasks.
If the drinking session takes place in a half-empty tram, you are obligated to traditionally chase it with a smoked chicken quarter. It is considered good manners not to litter the bones across the tram, but to chuck them out the (open) window. Under no circumstances should you pour a drink for the driver, since she has a police call button. For the same reason, it is not recommended to yell at her: "Get the fuck out of your booth, I'm gonna shag ya!"
The assistant has no right to pick drunken brawls at 'ZAPORIZHZHIA-I' station, as this will land you in the drunk tank, negatively affecting the company's financial state and risking the disruption of the next symposium.
The assistant has no right to leave the Radio Market sober, and on the way must drop into the little shop (across from the bar) and guzzle a bottle of Vodka STRICTLY to the health of 'ALEX-RADIO' station.
If the symposium took place outdoors, you are obligated to walk into the SUPERMARKET and sing the following song (in an infinite loop):
I brewed a tub of wash today,
Let the moonshine stupor sway.
Let the crows, my buddies, fly,
Pour that honest manly lie!
So pour a glass, let's talk awhile...
In extreme situations, you must articulate your point of view competently while foully showering everyone and everything with obscenities, including: yids, jews, lamers, mutts, gamers, and other assorted bullshit.
Must be able to navigate in a drunken haze (wasted out of your mind), knowing which part of town you're in (possessing an auxiliary memory card for when the main one glitches).
Knowledge of C, Assembly, and Pascal programming languages is desirable.
Knowledge of Radio Engineering is MANDATORY!

This poem is dedicated to the victims of vampirism, or how I bit my neighbor Tatyana in the neck while hammered on February 23rd (now that's a present!).

Epigraph:

Night, full moon, Vodka, hallucinations, music by 'Samael' album "Passage" (satanic metal), a screaming bloody neighbor on the 7th floor...

                * * *

      About my neighbor Tatyana
      A song I wanted to compose,
      Yet my hand was shaking,
      And the tune didn't fit the prose...

 Date : Feb 99  01:04:15
 To   : All
 From : Mikhail
 Origin: ZSC - A MASTERPIECE OF LAMERISM!!!
 AREA:EMPLOYMENT.LOCAL
 Lara Croft MED 3.00 by KVA of E-mage

Hello All!

There will be no introduction.

To begin with: standard signal line voltage is around -5 dB absolute level (roughly 475 mV—can't recall precisely without the regulation document, which I don't keep at home).
The "Z-S-C mudem" blasts a swing of 16 V, which (according to its DIY creators) represents a 0.5 V standard.
So, the PBX technicians could take you for such shenanigans without soap (not to be confused with the MAILER 'Lopata-3.0', oh how I love Klara Tsytskina) in the 5th position of the "Kamasutra", i.e., doggy style. You can find the theory in the file 'Batti.txt' (CPM). And so, we continue:

  I bought myself a 'Lopata' 'point three'
  Three, three!
  Went digging with it for cucumbers, you see,
  See, see!
  I reached the cucumber field, and there:
  Tra-la-la-la, fiddle-de-dee, I swear.
  Around the garden beds the cucumbers lay,
  Lay, lay.
  Scoundrels must have dug them up today,
  Ay, ay, ay, ay!
  I started stuffing them into a basket,
  Turned out to be potatoes in that casket.
  The potato silently took every blow,
  And loudly sang songs silent and low.
  While the potato dawdled and lagged,
  A dog in a mug drowned and gagged.
  A bee ran off to fetch some booze,
  A little dog stuck out of the mug to snooze.
  A pig held the cabbage tight in its lap,
  A cow took a chicken from behind in the gap;
  And shoved it in ever so neatly and smart,
  With a loud, debauched, and shameless fart.

With respect, Mikhail.

--- PROFI (512)
 * Origin: My respects to Lord Clive Sinclair !!!
__________________________________________

PriKOLIKI

SOLDIER'S Chuckles

From S-INFO

CLASSIFIEDS

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