Les Podervyansky — Play for a School Theater

For those who still haven't figured out how to deal with this text, here is a brief guide on how certain letters are read:

• i = и;
• j = yi' (Ukrainian ї);
• е = э, sometimes = е;
• йо (ьо) = ё;
• и = ы;
• ' = ъ, sometimes = ь.

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Les Podervyansky

Play for a School Theater

Characters

• Teacher Myron Opanasovych;
• Teacher Zoya Zhorivna;
• Pioneer Hrysha;
• Pioneer Misha;
• Pioneer Vasya;
• Pioneer Stasya;
• Repeat-year student Nosenko, also a pioneer.

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Act One

A school laboratory. In the middle sticks out a plastic skeleton, a globe, and a pet corner. In the pet corner are playing: frogs, a hedgehog, a squirrel, and a female rabbit. The rabbit is big, fat, and pregnant. Above the pet corner hangs a model of a squashed frog. Crowning the setting is a portrait of Darwin. In the portrait, Darwin points with his hands at a dirty monkey, and from Darwin's mouth comes a caption: "There is no God."

Teacher Myron Opanasovych and teacher Zoya Zhorivna enter.

Zoya Zhorivna:
— Myron Opanasovych, what do we have on the schedule?

Myron Opanasovych:
— Another lesson on studying the life of a frog in the world of the atheistic perception of reality. The ultimate goal is to use the example of a frog to convince the student that there is no God.

Zoya Zhorivna:
— The mere thought that God exists is already bullshit, Myron Opanasovych.

Myron Opanasovych:
— Of course it's bullshit, Zoya Zhorivna, and what bullshit at that. It's idealistic onanism.

Both remain in thoughtful silence, probably thinking about God and about the fact that he doesn't exist. The bell rings and pioneers appear in the laboratory; the lesson begins.

Zoya Zhorivna:
— Students, the topic of our lessons today is the frog. Who among you knows about the frog?

Dead silence, during which pioneer Vasya grabs pioneer Stasya by the ass.

Zoya Zhorivna (going berserk):
— Pioneer Hrysha, to the blackboard!

Myron Opanasovych:
— Calmer, Zoya Zhorivna, calmer.

Pioneer Hrysha (cheerfully):
— The frog lives in the garden and feeds on products of the national economy; therefore, the frog is a pest, it must be exterminated. Our people declared war on the frog long ago.

Zoya Zhorivna:
— Conduct an experiment.

Pioneer Hrysha takes out a frog:

— At first glance, a frog looks like an airplane; it has a fuselage and landing gear. The landing gear of a frog is divided into front (rips it off and shows it) and rear (rips it off and shows it). In the frog's ass there is a nozzle, into which researchers insert a straw...

Zoya Zhorivna:
— Enough, Hrysha, sit down, five. Misha, continue.

Misha (cheerfully):
— A straw, which is called a catheter.

Misha inserts the catheter, inflates the frog, and beats the shit out of it against the wall, then picks up from the floor whatever is left of the frog.

Misha:
— As a result of nervous shock, we observe a disorder of the frog's nervous system, which led the creature to clinical death, the sign of which is the lack of fogging on a little mirror.

Misha holds a little mirror up to the frog; it doesn't fog up.

Zoya Zhorivna:
— Sit down, five. We begin studying new material. Please, Myron Opanasovych.

Myron Opanasovych takes a hedgehog out of the pet corner:

— Children, who is this?

Pioneer Misha:
— It's a hedgehog.

Myron Opanasovych:
— Correct. Zoya Zhorivna, hand me the scalpel.

Myron Opanasovych stabs the hedgehog with the scalpel, cuts it open, and explains:

— A hedgehog, children, is an enemy of the national economy. It feeds on people's waste, so inside it is very dirty.

Shows what he took out of the hedgehog.

— In one night, a single hedgehog eats as much of the people's goods as it weighs itself; therefore, hedgehogs must be exterminated. And here our glorious aviation comes to our aid: one airplane in a single day destroys as many hedgehogs as it weighs itself. Nosenko, how many hedgehogs will be destroyed in a year?

Repeat-year student Nosenko:
— 365 airplanes with hedgehogs, Myron Opanasovych.

Myron Opanasovych:
— And another two [F], Nosenko. Who on earth destroys airplanes? They are our pride. Continue, Zoya Zhorivna.

Zoya Zhorivna takes a squirrel out of the pet corner:

— Children, before you is a squirrel, an enemy of the forests.

Zoya Zhorivna plugs the squirrel into an electrical outlet and continues explaining:

— The nervous twitches of the squirrel are a living testament to the might of our electric current, as well as retribution for the taiga ruined by the squirrel.

Zoya Zhorivna unplugs the squirrel and throws its charred remains out the window.

Zoya Zhorivna:
— What else is there, Myron Opanasovych?

Myron Opanasovych:
— The female rabbit!

The bell rings.

Zoya Zhorivna:
— Oh, what a pity, we ran out of time again. Let's draw conclusions, children: there is no God, instead there is nature; nature must be changed and everything unnecessary in it destroyed. And you, Nosenko, give me your school diary, so your father comes to school tomorrow.

CURTAIN.

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To be continued....:

Les Podervyansky

Play: «Patsavataya Istoriya» (A Messed-Up Story)

A modern interpretation of Shakespeare's play "ROMEO AND JULIET".

Characters

• Hrysha Nepeyvoda, a dwarf from the theater troupe "Orpheus and Eurydice";
• Vasya and Petya Tverdokhlebov, midgets from the same troupe;
• Hnat Pylypovych Rak, playing director and performer of the role of Orpheus;
• Larysa Sydorivna Salo, performer of the role of Eurydice;
• Kolya and Polya, idiots and Down syndrome patients;
• Lyuba Neizhmaslo, a horse-woman from the rival troupe "Ariel";
• Lyova Kovbasa and Styopa Khulimulin, hunchbacks from the same troupe;
• Klim Moiseich Katz, chief director of the People's Theater of the Defective named after the Turkish communist Zolupokhuyberdiyev;
• Ulyana Yukhymovna Svetysonechko, a holy-fool old woman.