Programmer job description.
1. Responsibilities
1.1. The programmer must go to
work on payday.
1.2. The programmer is obliged to carry out
testing workstations using
modern software.
1.3. The programmer is required to accept cnupto-
containing drinks to lift the worker
tone.
1.4. The programmer must avoid
server so as not to flood the keyboard with beer.
1.5. The programmer must aprymehtupobaho
prove why the task is impossible
fulfill it if he is too lazy to solve it.
2. Rights.
2.1. The programmer has the right to sleep in the morning
until natural awakening.
2.2. The programmer has the right not to leave
to work in case of force majeure
circumstances (too lazy to get out of bed,
rain outside, bad mood, no
managed to get on the bus, etc.)
2.3. The programmer has the right to arrange
30 minute tea break every 20 minutes
2.4. The programmer has the right to make all his mistakes
ki blame it on Microsoft.
3. Responsibility.
3.1. The programmer is under no circumstances responsible
no responsibility.
* * *
Is drinking harmful? And damn you guessed it...
A glass of alcoholic beverages destroys our
brain 1000-2000 cells.Dead mental
cells are not restored.
I will analyze the situation from the point of view
a person who knows a lot about mathematics:
There are about 3 billion in the brain
cells. Work up to 10%. Therefore,
2.7billions extra :)
Glass = 1000 cells. Therefore,
a person can use without harm
2,700,000 glasses. In terms of vodka,
2.5 glasses = 1 bottle, therefore
2,700,000/2.5 = 1,080,000. So if
take into account that the maximum term for an alcoholic
55 years old, and he starts drinking, well, let him
from 15, we have 40 years of experience. Convert to
days: 40*365=14000. We divide the dose into days:
1080000/14000 =~77 bottles of vodka daily
Conclusion: you can die from a lack of cells
if you drink 10 bottles of vodka at breakfast
40 for lunch and 30 for dinner.
Q.E.D.
* * *
From the admin's diary...
04/16/1999
Today in a dream I saw a stunning blonde
She sat naked on the table and at the same time
her right hand rested on the monitor.
I'm painfully trying to remember what was on
screen...
17.05
And the aunt is a lamer! Today I looked at what
on her monitor - Lines!
I'll strangle you this night...
18.05
I was about to strangle you when I suddenly saw
their admin. I woke up as soon as they started
drink beer. Tomorrow I'll ask how he managed
transfer your boss to Linux and
why did he need this?
19.05
I couldn’t sleep for a long time, I took pills.
Confused with others. And what a reptile I am in
did you put the table on purgen? By four in the morning
fell asleep, but their admin has a working day
It's already over. I cut off all the needles
cactus to that blonde secretary and
woke up.
20.05
Slept likekilled, 8 o'clock. Six of them -
messed around with their admin. By the way, I found out that
his name is Vasya, like me. It's nice, it's
confirms my theory that everyone is smart
people on Earth are called Vasami. Secret girl
I walked around all day with big eyes
office and confidentially reported that she had
All the cactus needles have come out due to radiation,
which means that it no longer intercepts
radiation because he himself is filled with it.
I asked where in our city they accept
radioactive waste. To radioactive
she also included a filter for waste
screen, the screen itself and the mouse pad. It is necessary
will be at work to educate people...
21.05
After yesterday, my head was cracking at work,
I had to get over my hangover. From this house
I slept much better. Vasya brought it for
secret radioactivity counter.
He walked them along his computer, himself
and the workspace in general. On the scoreboard
the number 2 was shining. He noticed that it was in
within normal limits and suggested to the secretary
measure your workplace yourself, they say,
he doesn't have time. She didn't have time to take
into his hands as the device began to crackle, giving out
display three-digit number. Came to her
Vasya calmly noticed that this too was in
within normal limits, and took the meter from her
rubber gloves. He shouldn't be so...
22.05
We went to the hospital to see the secretary and Vasya
I repented that it was all just a joke.
Tomorrow I'll go to the hospital to see Vasya. A to
Let someone go to the secretary for the funeral
another one is coming. At the endI'm finally dreaming
I don't have to attend any events
even so joyful.
23.06
Every day I went to see Vasya. Every day
he was getting worse and worse - it was affecting
lack of computer. I tried to carry
him a laptop but the nurse categorically
banned, saying that gambling in
hospital are prohibited. To my timid cries
about the fact that this is Linux, and not gambling
games like Tetris, she is categorical
stated that Linux is especially prohibited. to me
there was nothing left but
give him Bill Gates's book "History
one hemorrhoid 1993-1999".
The next day Vasya passed away. :_(
24.06
Today at work the secretary was running around with
bulging eyes and knew that
her succulent (i.e. biologically speaking -
cactus tree) all the needles have disappeared,
and that now we are all in danger because
anti-radiation protection has fallen...
I don't want to think about tomorrow...
* * *
Drinking vodka: instructions for use
Vodka drink is designed to remove
stress, improving overall well-being,
stimulating communication, deepening
mutual understanding between consumption partners
drink, and also as a means
stimulating appetite.
Note:
More recently, some researchers
believed the drink vodka was harmful to
health. In this regard, let me remind you that
40 years ago all Soviet doctors were in one
voice claimed thatmasturbation creepy
harmful to health, leads to loss
memory, (in childhood I every time after
I checked this to see if it had already disappeared
memory), mental disorders,
impotence and other nasty things, but today
this is recommended as a preventive measure
mental disorders associated with
sexual abstinence.
Already today, many scientists talk about
the stimulating role of alcohol in
prevention of cardiovascular
diseases...
Prevention of alcoholism:
To hell with you - give me a drink. Difference
vodka drink from western drinks
origin (gin, whiskey, cognac) in that
what the drink vodka is intended for
collective consumption.
Procedure for working with the product
Drinking vodka consumption is divided into three
stage
1. Preparatory
2. Main
3. Final
Preparing the drink for use
1. Buy a drink
2. Prepare the snack by placing it on
flat horizontal surface and
dividing it into fractions suitable for
one-time placement in the mouth.
Note: Snacks are various names
food products consumed in the process
drink consumption and directly
after it, to improve physiological
effect produced by the drink.
3. Pour the drink into individual
containers
Note: in the absence of individual
containers allowed to consume the drink
directly from the vessel in which it is
was at the time of acquisition.At the same time
the aesthetic component of the process is somewhat
decreases, but the physiological effect
remains the same.
Main stage.
Drink consumption Drink recommended
use quantized, taking between
injections into the body of individual portions
small doses of food. Breaks in
consumption must be filled in
intensive spiritual communication with partners
by drink consumption.
Establishing an individual dose
drink tolerance
Upper limit for drink consumption
established experimentally in
individually. Signs, according to
which you can set individual
drink consumption limits are:
1. User turning blue
2. Loss of coordination.
3. Loss of self-control, disinhibition
speech and motor centers.
4. Vomiting and nausea.
5. Loss of consciousness.
6. Fatal outcome.
When one or more of the following appears
It is recommended to postpone these signs
drink consumption until disappearance
the above symptoms.
User actions in case of use
of all available supplies of the drink.
Urgently purchase additional
amount of drink.
There is a mantra (Indian spell),
regular repetition of which allows
synthesize alcohol in the body through effort
will. This mantra also helps
development of phenomenal memory. Author
heroically experienced real labor
the action of the mantra,states that memory
has really improved amazingly. you
of course you want to know what it sounds like
famous mantra. Forgot.
Final stage
The final stage of drink consumption
is intensive communication, rich
emotions and deep understanding of partners
by consumption - the so-called. "bazaar for life"
arising for users as a result
removing psychological pressures caused by
drinking the drink.
Basic malfunctions and methods for them
elimination:
1. The drink is not poured into the intended
containers for this
Reasons:
1.1 Lack of drink.
Troubleshooting: Purchase
drink
1.2 Container is clogged:
Troubleshooting: Open container
2. Lack of containers:
Solution: Consume the drink directly
but from the container in which it is located.
3. Lack of consumers.
Solution: In the absence of accomplices
drink consumption directly
place of consumption it is possible to find them by
mail, telephone, telegraph, fax,
email. Or just go out
street and shout loudly: - Guys, who
wants a drink?
Fault: No drink produced
necessary physiological effect
Reason: the drink consumed is diluted
Remedy: Punch the barmaid in the face so that
didn't dilute it, bitch!
Malfunction: The body rejects
drink introduced into it.
Remedy: take a break from consumption
until consumer demand is restoreduser abilities.
Malfunction: due to violation
user coordination arise
problems with transporting the drink from
containers into the user's oral cavity.
Remedy: The user lies down on a flat
horizontal surface and opens
oral cavity to its maximum extent.
Partners pour the drink into
user's oral cavity before purchasing
ensuring that the user is in the required condition.
4. Malfunction: the body refuses
take extra drinks.
Remedy:
4.1 Take a cold shower.
4.2 Eat liquid - hot - soup, porridge,
roast
4.3 Discard excess food
outward by organizing convulsions
stomach and esophagus.
4.4 Go to bed before recovery
consumption capacity of the body.
5. Malfunction: Lack of material
funds to purchase additional
quantity of drink.
Remedy:
5.1 Buy a drink on credit.
5.2 Make your own drink
by organizing the alcohol process
fermentation of starch or sugar-containing
extinguishing substances followed by distillation
the resulting liquid.
5.3 Remove the drink from the retail outlet
points without informing you about it
responsible for the sale.
* * *
I love work...
I love the job, I love the salary!
I catch myself doing this more and more.
I love my boss too - he’s better than others!
ANDbossa bossa and everyone else.
I love my office, its location,
And I feel disgusted by vacation.
I love my furniture, damp and gray,
Pieces of paper in which I believe in God!
I also love those equal to me in position
Their cunning glances, ridicule, mockery!
My glorious display and computer myself,
I kiss you furtively, even though they don’t care.
I'm happy to be here and while I'm not weak,
Favorite work, the happiest slave.
I love standards and deadlines for work,
I love meetings, even though I fall asleep there.
I love my work - I’ll say it without any fuss,
And these smart people, all in white,
Those who came to visit me today,
With the desire to place me somewhere.
* * *
Truth of life..
My firmament is crystal clear
And full of rainbow pictures.
Not because the world is beautiful,
But because I'm a cretin.
* * *
Two rappers are walking, one is wearing a hat,
the second one will also get pussy...
* * *
Dialogues about animals..
In continuation of the {dictionary of muskrats} and
{additions} to it
Our program "In the World of Zoophiles" is often
they ask: “What is a muskrat?”
It is very interesting and widely presented
new animal in our fauna.
Its subspecies are very diverse - these are
curious, constantly surprised
and indifferent to everything, foolishly,
and sad hoo-ha, and cheerful hoo-ha,
and pretending to be dead when in danger
dusty, and frightening in its ugliness
fear of enemies, andgullible fool,
and careful bastardism. Rare Caucasian
Wahkhuhol is endemic, recently
time successfully acclimatized in Moscow
Makhukhol is remarkable for its ability
move faster than sound, and existence
such an animal as the starfish, meeting
with which, according to popular belief, before
broadcasts the failure of the enterprise, still not
proven - everyone sent to find her
the expeditions failed.
Most common in our area
blyahuhol and mukhuhol, very attached
to a person and accompanying him at work
and rest. These subspecies should not be confused with
leading a predominantly nocturnal lifestyle
whore and especially with variety
the last one - sucker, with her sophisticated
feeding mechanism. Rare muskrat
animal and needs protection. After all, already
was completely destroyed for no reason
desperado, the population has sharply decreased
previously abounding in our country, we do not
withstands environmental pollution
Wednesday Yasenkhukhol.
* * *
National characteristics.
1. Features of the national hunt:
desire to drink.
2. Features of national fishing:
so get drunk - fall asleep and go fishing.
3. Features of the national bath:
drink vodka in a bathhouse and fly to
Leningrad.
4. Features of the national currency: liquid
5. Features of the national electorate:
if there is a choice between white and red,
almost everythingwill choose white.
6. Features of national philosophy:
if the quantity does not transform into
quality, I need to drink more.
7. Features of national political economy:
Money - Vodka - Money.
8. Features of national sex:
if there is no vodka.
9. Features of the national
exhibitionism: get drunk on vodka and
bare your soul.
10.Features of national nationalism:
- Vodka bar? - Big bar!
11.Features of national brashness:
drink through a straw or crumble into
vodka bread and slurp it with a spoon.
12.Features of national evil spirits:
get drunk as hell, drink with
with them, and then without them.
13.Features of the national teahouse
ceremonies: tea not vodka, not much
have a drink.
14.Features of national photography:
drink developer instead of vodka and
fixer.
15.Features of national
cinematography:
the best movie is wine.
16.Features of national fools:
they don’t understand that vodka comes later
I need to drink so she's fine
leads.
17.Features of national roads:
there are not many fools on the roads,
how many drunk people are driving?
18.Features of national logic:
no one will drink vodka?
- Yes (Nobody) - False.
- No (Will not) - False.
- Yes no (No one will) - False.
- No yes (And here we will be) - True.
19.Features of national geometry:
pass through one pointtwo oblique
lines parallel to a given line.
20.Features of national chess:
8 bubble problem. Like a chess game
place 8 bubbles on the board so that
having drunk 1 glass from the first bubble, from
second - 2, etc., you didn't hit
sobering-up station?
Answer: You can’t figure it out without a bottle.
21.Features of national English
tongue: I’ll find vodka!
-What can I do? I blow beer every day!
- Do you drink beer every day? Shall we drink vodka?
22.Features of national sport:
Literball and moonshine - Formula 1.
23.Features of national
recklessness: jokingly, throw it into the lake
bottle and dive for it all day.
24.Features of national horse breeding:
see if there are horses in the morning
drink champagne?
25.Features of national balancing act
: come home with eyebrows.
26.Features of the national medicine:
for mental illness - vodka, for
bodily - vodka with pepper.
27.Features of national temperature:
40 degrees.
28.Features of national hygiene:
drink alcohol - there will be no worms.
29.Features of national dentistry:
drink a glass of vodka and vomit
pliers tooth.
30.Features of national psychotherapy:
drink vodka, go crazy and start
charge water.
31.Features of national psychosurgery:
get drunk on vodka and start grabbing
scalpels.
32.Features of nationalabbreviations:
LTP.
33.Features of national teetotalers
and ulcer sufferers: they even drink for free
teetotalers and ulcers
* * *
There is no such pure and bright thought that
a Russian person would not be able to express
in a dirty, obscene uniform.
* * *
Morning, a man wakes up with a hangover.
Opens the curtains - removes the blanket from
cage with a parrot - goes to the kitchen -
opens the cabinet - takes out a glass -
opens the refrigerator - takes out vodka -
opens vodka - pours - drinks -
puts vodka in the refrigerator - puts it away
glass - goes into the room - closes the curtains
- covers the parrot - goes to bed...
Parrot:
-Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss]
long day!!!!!!
* * *
Thank you so much:
Eraser from Delirium Tremens by
Text Viewer.
D.J.CONT FROM JVC by music
Paul Pavlov by trd.speccy.cz
* * *
E-MAIL: mcbzxlife@mail.ru
Website: zx-life.narod.ru
(c) 2004 MSV-SERG Inc. Sosenskiy city
(Kaluga region)RUSSIA
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