Periodical Spectrum publication.
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The newspaper is published once every 13 days
* * *
Poem...
Yes, I loved it. My love, perhaps
Now he's fucking someone else.
With some young man with a pimply face.
Maybe even... Okay, screw him.
Yes, I loved it. And it was cool.
I can't describe it in rhyme.
I was kind of crazy back then.
I wanted to do something, become someone.
She turned out to be a bitch. Bitch!
She really wants to twirl her ass.
I broke up with her. It was agony.
I thought: “It’s better to die right away...”
But time heals even this wound.
Now I just don't give a damn about her.
I can get a large condom for my size.
I'll go to the whores. I'll fuck everyone!
* * *
Once upon a time in the cold winter
I'm sitting behind bars in a damp dungeon
I look up the mountain
Young eagle raised in captivity
And walking with an important, decorous gait
My faithful comrade flapping his wing
Bbig boots in a short sheepskin coat
It's pecking at bloody food under the window...
* * *
An anecdote... A kind of test....
A man asks an unknown woman:
- You will sleep with me in your twenties
million dollars?
“Yes, of course,” the woman answers.
- And for twenty cents? -
the man continues
- Yes, what kind of woman do you think I am?
do you accept? - the woman objects touchingly.
- We have already established what kind of woman you are.
Now we are haggling over the price.
* * *
Love carrots...
You will return from work drunk,
Covered in dirt, bruised and without a hat,
You’ll immediately demand dinner with obscenities,
You will begin to spread your impudent paws.
I'll quickly fry some eggs
And I’ll casually throw the frying pan.
You will twirl your swollen mug,
You will take vodka out of the stash.
Having swallowed the desired dose,
You'll be looking for matches for a long time,
And slobbering on a cigarette in my mouth,
At the table you snore out of habit.
I'll drag you to the sofa
I'll throw my pants and shoes on the floor,
Because even though you're drunk,
But you and I are two halves.
I will cover you, lamenting:
“Well, why do I need such a reward?”
And I'll pour myself a glass to the brim...
I still love you, you bastard.
* * *
Anecdote :-)
A deer walks through the forest and sees a tree stump
The hare sits and picks his nose.
The deer says: - Hare, look at what
I have branchy horns, I am the most beautiful
beast in the forest. The hare has zero attention.
Deer again: - Well, look at what I have
slender legs, I'm the fastestin the forest.
Hare, picking his nose: - But I’m rich
spiritually.
* * *
Internet...
Tell you something, children,
about this Internet?
The Internet is a big attic,
there's a big mess in the attic,
in a mess - two drops of meaning.
The rest is a rocker arm,
three buckets, four brushes,
Vasya Pupkin, rusty nail,
banner above, banner below,
nonsense in the center, fingers apart,
wild garlic, missing jigsaw,
old leather caftan,
impossible ugly disgusting
"slogan", rotten branding, sour roaming,
crappy leasing and feedback,
on the box there is a mouse corpse and to "Word"
the second crack, a bunch of feces on the guestbook,
or rather, a warehouse of shit (a picture without shit
ours could not be full), in the wheel
four squirrels hang around around the clock, calling
this happiness is a foreign word "chat",
and illiterate, moronic, from the cracks
nonsense hangs down - here you go, children, son
progress with a proud nickname - "Internet".
What did you guys like?
And now I’ll finish you off: watch all this
The dirty trick costs about a dollar an hour.
* * *
Anecdote :0)
An eagle is flying.
He's flying, he's flying, right out of his ass
the worm comes out and says:
- Bro! What's the height?
- Two thousand meters.
- Yes!? Be careful not to shit yourself, or else the crew will
worried!
* * *
Rules for washing in a bathhouse
1. If the flies flying around you are not yet
are dying, but the black panties and socks are still
visible on your body, then in the bath you
donothing.
2. When purchasing a ticket at the box office, ask
wash quality guarantee for 1 year.
3. Don't start your bath at the buffet.
4. If you do start, then don’t
forget to take off your clothes.
5. If, after undressing and entering the soap bar,
we saw that the people there were not naked,
This means this is not a bathhouse.
6. Once in the bathhouse, check the water. When
If you only have cold water, lubricate yourself
seal oil so that when washing it does not
freeze. If there is only hot -
wash without undressing, so as not to
scald.
7. Upon entering the soap bar, look around carefully,
make a control tilt towards the floor and
check the audience's reaction. For any
if you suspect, tighten control. If in
Putin is washing himself in the corner, then feel free to arrange
sit on the bench next to him. Normal
man.
8. Before you start washing, let the bathhouse attendant
will take a water sample by sticking his head into
gang to prove the absence in it
poison and spores of anthrax.
9. Never bend down to pick up someone who has fallen on
the floor with your own (and even more so someone else’s) soap or
with a washcloth. Always take with you
double or triple supply of washing supplies
funds.
10. Do not pester anyone in the bathhouse. Better
be washed than beaten (better with eggs
shake than bring in your pocket).
And so that the naivety penetrates, protect
show off yourself in the form of tattoos:
On the chest - Not on the embrasure!
On the stomach - Beer is no problem for the belly.
On the back - Sit, don’t stay too long!
On the leg- Pele is resting.
On his hand is a knife with the inscription:
And hands reach for the pen...
On the genitals - To our delight, on
happiness to the women, as a memory for all of us
enemies. The lower back just never
wash - you will have a black karate belt.
11. Wash according to science. Form in a gang
anticyclonic gyre (rotation
water clockwise). Then all
the turbidity will sink to the bottom. In case
cyclonic circulation (versus
clockwise) it will rise
to the surface.
12.Even if blacks already take you for
yours, never wash with
them. Having washed your back white, they
they will demand to do the same for themselves.
13.If by chance after the buffet you get
to the women's department, don't panic!
Let women who don't care about panic
it will be your turn (to rub your back).
14.Never take a leak in the shower
in need, suddenly the water will be turned off?!
(Diarrhea in the bathhouse is nonsense!)
15.Starting on a slimy, dirty floor
when leaving the locker room, never
go back to wash up - return -
It's a bad omen!
16.When they bother you, send everyone to
bath! If you want to go there yourself, see point 1
* * *
One friend tells another:
- Can you imagine, yesterday I came from my lover,
all so fluttering, airy, around the apartment
I'm flying.. :)
- and then, further ??????
- what next???! My husband came and
OVERFUCKEDin your own way!
* * *
Ya ya...
Pioneer: Please sit in my place.
I'm young, I'll stand!
Grandfather: Thank you, grandson, but I’ll soon
go out.
Pioneer: In circulation?
Grandfather: Shame on you! I'm in for you
I'm good enough to be a grandfather!
Pioneer: Oh, I think I made a good joke.
Old man, you have one foot in the grave, at least
smile before a heart attack!
Grandfather: Someone stop him! Brat!
I killed people like you at the front with a knife!
Pioneer: Attention! All witnesses: comrade
I just confessed that I was at the front
police and slaughtered Jewish children.
Grandfather: Comrades, that’s not what I meant...
I didn't know that this boor was Jewish
nationality.
First passenger: Well, how come you didn’t know?!
What, you can’t see from it, or what? That's it
the shnobel is sticking out from under his cap.
Pioneer: I can also burr!
Second passenger: See? Jewish
the boy gave up his seat to you, and you gave him up
with a knife...
Grandfather: Yes, I... I'm saying that
I put it wrong because...
Pioneer: Because he has no time to study
it was - he had to beat us, Russia
save by Aryan order.
Policeman: What's going on here, comrades?
First passenger: Yes, here you go, comrade policeman
ner, the fascist wanted to kill the boy!
Grandfather: What's the matter - put your hands up...
Look, I don’t even have a knife...
Second passenger: You see, comrade
policeman, his memory failed him: he went
cutting up boys, but I forgot my knife!
Third passenger: Yes,old age is no joy...
Pioneer: Let's not get distracted, friends! What will we
to do with a fascist? Given the tense
international situation, I propose it
drop off!
Fourth passenger: How peaceful
pioneer He stabbed him with a knife, and he, they say, just
drop off...
Fifth passenger: We will disembark between
stops?
Pioneer: Yes, between. Drop him right in
field like potatoes! So that one head
only from the earth, and on the forehead there is an inscription: I have
and there is a felt-tip pen!
Grandfather: Comrades! What are you doing?!
Stop it! The felt-tip pen doesn't wash well...
Sixth passenger: Felt-tip pen, felt-tip pen -
Look, he started babbling in German!
Shprechenzideich, Ivan Andreevich?
Grandfather: I... I...
Sixth passenger: That's good, pull it out
him guys! (The fascist is pulled out and
planted in the field, as the pioneer advised.
The policeman tramples the earth around his head.
Everyone returns to the trolleybus and continues
movement. A painful silence reigns. All
They try not to look into each other's eyes.
The pioneer gives way to some again
to the old woman who came in. That's flirtatious
refuses. In the eyes of passengers
an unhealthy shine appears.)
* * *
Poll....
A survey was conducted on Moscow streets:
"How Muscovites treat visitors."
The answers were something like this:
40% Answered "of course, just let them come"
to our capital"
40% Answered "Listen to us what's going on"
difference"
20% Answered "I don"t know!"* * *
Anecdote...
A man comes to the surgeon and says:
- Doctor, my toe hurts, well
I just don’t have any strength.
What is this, could it be dangerous?
The doctor looked, felt and answered:
- Yes, my dear, not to me, to you
gynecologist.
Man: - ??????
Doctor: - Pussy your finger.
* * *
Anecdote :-)
Guy in love:
- You are the best thing that happens to me
happened.
The girl is surprised:
- Well, you and I have never happened before!
* * *
Anecdote :0)
They brought the drunk to the cops. Cop him
interrogates, but he doesn’t understand anything.
Cop: - Last name?
That one: - Whose?
- Name?
- Whose?
- Whose Whose... Chinese, or what?
* * *
Tell me how you piss and I'll tell you who you are.
1. NERVOUS: Not finding the fly in my pants,
put on backwards, tears them apart
anger.
2. SOCIABLE: Pissing only in company
regardless of whether he wants to or not.
3. SHY: Postpones the process until
stepping from foot to foot to
piss alone.
4. NOISY: Whistles loudly, looks-
wai through the partition #ui neighbors.
5. PO#UIST: If all urinals are occupied,
pissing in the sink.
6. SMART GUY: Pissing without taking it in his hands,
hiding it with a tie.
7. VANITY: Unbuttons his fly
five buttons, when two are enough.
8. INTELLECTUAL: Unbuttons his vest,
melts his tie and pisses his pants.
9.#BANNED: Vaguely confident in his
gender identity, secretly examines
Before the process, your tool.
10.LOSER: Stands for a while,
farting, tries to piss, but
unsuccessfully. In the end it's quiet
leaves, grumbling.
11.SNEAKY: Quietly farts, sniffs the air, and
looks at him with a reproachful smile
neighbor on the left.
12.ABSTRACTS: Pissing on his foot, walking with
fly unzipped and adjusts
eggs every 10 minutes.
13. INFANTIL: Watches with interest
bubbles in the toilet during the process.
14.BUSINESS: Reads books or
newspapers.
15. Jock: Taps on the edge of his asshole,
to shake off the drops.
16. DRUNK: He gets #yy, looks - and there are two of them,
puts one back...
17. OBLIQUE: Stops at one point and
pissing in the next one.
18.SHY: Covers his #uy with both
hands and pissing through his fingers.
19.CAREFUL: Sneezes and pees from toe to toe
the heads of the neighbor on the left.
20. CLEAN: Wipes off after the activity
carrying out the process with a handkerchief.
21.TIMBY: Stands in front of the point,
looks around uncertainly and pisses on the floor.
22.BORED: Pissing after every glass of water
23.EXPERIMENTER: Tries to piss upwards with
for the purpose of observing the flight path of urine
24.MAGICIAN: Gets #ouch, smooth movement
Niemy hides it in his sleeve. Then, on
eyes of an astonished audience, extracts
him because of his neighbor's collar.25. SLOSS: Manages to piss all over
toilet, fingers and own shoes,
and then forgets to wash it off.
26. GENEROUS: Pissing in three streams.
27.HURRY: Starts to piss some more
unzipping his fly.
28. ONANIST: Pissing, holding his fist in his fist,
jerking off during the process.
29.MILITARY: Pissing, standing at attention,
a smooth stream with powerful pressure.
30.DYSTROPHIC: Holds the septum,
so that it is not turned around by the pressure of the jet.
31. UNBALANCED: Pissing in portions of three
approach
33.SUSPECTIVE: Washes off before washing
Yes, after the process he sniffs his fingers
and examines his trouser legs.
34.HUMPBACK: Pissing with his forehead against the wall
35. EFFECTIVE: While the pissing man has time to forge-
rummage in the ear, spit, blow your nose,
scratch your butt and smooth your hair
(with unwashed hand).
36.LEAN: After the process wipes
#use a soft cloth and put it away
case.
37. SEXUAL GIANT: It’s painful to think
which pant leg should I put it in?
times.
38.CURIOUS: Reads all the inscriptions on
walls, pissing everything around.
39. SCANDALIST: Pissing all over the ass, loudly
is indignant about the dirt in the toilets,
chaos in the country, etc.
40. HOOKER: Never washes it off because
it's a pity
* * *
Phrase of the day...
There are no gays - There are only fags.....
* * *
Anecdote :0)
The magazine "Rabotnitsa" announced a competition amongmale population: "Who knows better
woman."
The winner of the competition is Petya Ivanov,
Syktykvar, 10 years.
Grigory Semenovich writes:
“I’m 65(!) years old. I have 5 children and 8 grandchildren.
I've known women since I was 12 years old.
And I am extremely outraged by your decision! "
Editor's response:
"Dear Grigory Semenovich!
To our 1st question:
"Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Petya answered correctly: “In South Africa.”
What did you answer? And they also drew...
To our 2nd question of the competition:
"What is the most important female organ you
do you know?" - Petya answered correctly: "Worldwide
UN Women's Federation.
What did you answer? And they also drew...
And finally, to the 3rd question of the competition: “What
Everyone is looking forward to an important event.
woman every month?
Petya answered correctly: “The release of a new
magazine "Worker".
“What did you answer?
Thank you for not drawing!!!
* * *
Another poem...
I went out with my horse to the field to plow
She doesn't give a fuck and I don't give a fuck
The horse looks at my face
She doesn't give a fuck and I don't give a fuck
So we go across the furrow
She doesn't care about pussy and I don't care about pussy
* * *
Poem :-)
Dropped the teddy bear on the floor
They tore off the bear's paw
The ears were cut off from the head,
The intestines were ripped out by pincers,
They opened the eye sockets with a corkscrew,
Two collarbones were gouged,
Acids were poured into the mouth,
Hammer on your fingers to your heart's content,
They stuffed nails into a shard,
They chopped up the groin with an axe,
They drove a thick stake into my ass,
And they kicked a little.
Still he's notI'll give it up -
You should rip off the skin too!!!
* * *
Anecdote
Businessman, lawyer and
biker. They began to discuss who would give what
to my girlfriend for her birthday.
Businessman says:
- I’ll buy mine a diamond necklace and
villa in the Bahamas. If she doesn't like it
necklace, then the villa will surely console her.
Lawyer:
- And I’ll buy a sable fur coat and a trip around the world
sea tour. If she thinks the fur coat is bad
gift, then the journey will dispel her.
“And I,” says the biker, “will buy mine.”
T-shirt and vibrator. If she doesn't like it
T-shirt - let him fuck himself!
* * *
Poems :-)
Its size is very deceptive -
When lying down and just sleeping:
Although it is small, it is very tempting,
Having a nice appearance.
But once you touch your fingers,
How he rushes to wake up quickly,
And you will feel instantly
How powerful and how great he is.
He is a slave to unbridled fantasies,
You will be lost in ecstasy with him,
Just look for inspiration
And he will give you pleasure.
When he is near, at hand,
You don't need anyone else.
And he habitually waits for touches -
It is very difficult with him without effort.
He gives you a conditional sign,
That in a moment I’m ready to try.
Touching your fingers lovingly,
You can have fun with him forever.
And at the movement of your hands
He reacts so violently...
He's like a living, welcome friend
And without him you already feel bad.
But sometimes there are days
When he hangs: so suddenly,
Alas! There are no recipes alone -
Treatwill have to be done in stages.
Three fingers don't help here,
And I can’t control my tongue,
Others get angry and scold
(I've heard so many times: about mother)
But he is helplessly trusting,
He has so much hope for you!
And you have nothing to be angry about anymore,
And this happened how many times:
He will open a new world for you
Earthly and unearthly desires
He's like God, he's your idol,
The source of happiness and suffering.
I could dedicate it to him
There are many more good lines,
I love you, my faithful friend -
My good old laptop!
* * *
LETTER TO VOLODA
Why am I crying, Vova?
Because I feel bad.
Because it's not like that.
Because I'm an asshole
And I would like to become a hero:
We will bury our dream
To the black soil near Moscow,
And we'll bring it for Easter
Densely colored eggs
For a dream. Burnt matches
We'll scatter them along the grave, -
to thoughts
Sleeping quietly in a soft armchair:
And in the tobacco rocker
Elvis Presley appeared to us
So that four times a year
Buy by ship
Three expired tickets:
Honor of winter, spring and summer
We flew by. Autumn is coming.
I'm not thirty-eight yet,
But not twenty-two anymore.
I'm clinging to words
And out of fear I shit in poetry.
I'm with my guts
I feel like fucked up
My sacrum slowly warms,
Desecrating with your breath:
This is how we get used to death:
:And this sucks.
Scary. Scary.
Scary, Vova:
* * *
DIARY
student of 5 "A" class
Krivossytsky Valera
7JULY. FRIDAY.
Physics - 3
Checkmate - 2
Liter - 2
Bad behavior Hamit. On Mon. July 10
There will be a parent meeting at 6:00 p.m.
cab. 20. Parents' attendance is required.
Leading director Zh.B. Pezdoletova.
***
JULY 7. FRIDAY.
To the class teacher.
I have read the recording. Suggestion has been carried out.
Whipping. E. Krivos.
***
JULY 10. MONDAY.
However, I would still like to discuss
your son's behavior. I ask you to find
time.
Leading director Zh.B. Pezdoletova.
***
11 JULY TUESDAY.
Unfortunately, I don't have any free time
I have it.
Best regards, E. Krivos.
***
JULY 12. WEDNESDAY.
In this case, I am forced to put
question about Valera's expulsion from school.
Leading director Zh.B. Pezdoletova.
***
JULY 12. WEDNESDAY.
I repeat to you again. Raising a son
completely satisfied. Your attitude
biased towards him. I highly recommend him
reconsider.
E. Krivos.
***
JULY 13. THURSDAY.
Now it’s completely clear to me who
Your son is growing up to look just like him.
An apple from an apple tree... All the best.
Leading director Zh.B. Pezdoletova.
***
JULY 14. THURSDAY.
Listen, you sheep, what the fuck are you doing?
are you hinting? Who else should he be like?
similar, bitch? Maybe for Kolka the neighbor?
Haven't you gone completely nuts, school creature?
Without respect.E.Krivos
***
JULY 15. FRIDAY.
It's a shame that such a nice boy
such a father. I sincerely advise you not to be rude.
Leading director Zh.B. Pezdoletova.
***
JULY 15. FRIDAY.
Fuck you, fuck. Wait by 18.00.
I will fuck, fuck, fuck you until you feel colic,
up tolilac snot, until hiccups, bitch, until
I'll fuck you far and wide in
all the fucking cracks, I'll fuck you in your glasses, in
I'll fuck all your fucking school equipment
all the flowers on the windowsills, I'll fuck the globe and
I'll shove it
***
JULY 18. MONDAY. I'll shove it in your ass
you fucked up cunt, awesome, fuck.
Get ready, shushara.
***
JULY 19. TUESDAY.
Liter - 4
Checkmate -5
Physics - 5.
I ask my father to come to school.
Leading director Zh.B. Pezdoletova.
* * *
Russians :-)
+10 degrees: Americans are shaking.
Russians plant cucumbers in their gardens.
+1.6: Italians don’t start their cars.
Russians drive with their windows down.
0: Water is freezing in America.
In Russia the water is thickening.
-17.9: In New York, homeowners turn on
heating. Russians for the last time in the season
go on picnics.
-42: Transport does not function in Europe.
Russians eat ice cream on the street.
-73: Finnish special forces evacuate
Santa Claus from Lapland.
Russians wear earflaps.
-114: Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Russians are in a bad mood.
-273: Absolute zero, stops
atomic movement. Russians swear:
"It's fucking cold!"
-295: Catholics have devils freezing in hell.
The Russian national football team is becoming
world champion.
* * *
:-)
The main difference between “Russian people” and
normal, is that
first, there is always a set of
a few simple ideaswhich with
successfully replaces their missing brains.
There are two basic kits...
Set one:
1) Everyone is fed up with Russians, everyone wants harm for them.
2) The Jews are the ones who fuck Russians the hardest!
Well, also black-assed!
3) If you fuck off all the Jews and black-asses
- Russians will be fucked.
4) A complete scribe in Russia was scammed by some
enemies are probably Jews...Or black-assed people!
5) Russians are fucking smart people with
ancient cultural traditions. That's all
other peoples are finally stupid. And one more thing
greedy. And Russians are constantly being bullied.
6) Russian people deserve everything for the rest of their lives,
because Russian people are weird
suffered.
7) Only Russians have a normal God, but
the rest are some kind of crap.
8) It is not necessary to work, because
we all owe it - and someday
justice will prevail.
Set two:
1) The most important thing is to make money!
The rest is nonsense.
2) Nacking a sucker is a sacred thing!
3) I am the smartest person in the world,
and the rest are all goats and cattle
blunt-nosed.
4) I was abroad, everyone there is stupid,
everything - well, no one understands Russian.
5) Driving in the oncoming lane is cool!
6) Anyone who thinks differently from me -
he's an asshole and needs to be kicked!
* * *
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