JOKES
A man sits on the edge of a cliff, drinks beer,
smokes. Turned around - grandma blind to the cliff
coming.
- Grandma... so... this...
fir-scorched......badass...
* * *
Vovochka is walking down the street, looking in the Mercedes
brother is sitting... bored.
He approaches him and says:
- Uncle, I’ll be here with the girl in 5 minutes -
whoever I'm passing by, you wouldn't be able to
tell me something....
Well, for example - Zdarova Vovan...
- Okay, kid, I don’t care what to do
nothing... let's lead your bitch....
- Thank you, uncle! - Vovochka said
and ran away. After 5 minutes Vovochka taxis out
with a girl, brother gets out of the car,
all thieves, and says:
- Hello Vovan!
Vovochka in response:
- Fuck you, asshole!
:-)
“I’m only afraid of two things in life:
dentists and darkness.
- Why the darkness?
- Can you imagine how much in this
darkness of dentists?
* * *
"Please don't throw cigarette butts in the toilet!
They get wet and don't light well..."
* * *
In the United States, the struggle for equality led to
that women are now equated with
blacks, gays and disabled people.
* * *
Dictionary of communication with the client :-)
Dear Sir! - well, yes, fuck, I will
I remember your name, bitch.
Unfortunately, I apparently misunderstood your
thought... - don't be smart, fagot.
You see, that's not exactly what I meant -
Learn to read, idiot, then you won't be able to
business.The fact is that... - I’ll explain for the stupid
Many agree with me... - and screw it
don’t you want from the team?
You shouldn’t be like that - you’re completely nuts!
nothing to do with it, but... - oh, fuck, the crowd
freaks gathered.
They can't understand shit without me
In my opinion, this is not an argument - fuck it
you're fucked with your opinion
I don’t know how you... - who the fuck,
what do you think there?
I don’t think it’s advisable.. - fuck you
* * *
Types of MSTI
1. Vengeance is kind, not vindictive.
- I’ll take revenge and forget...
2. Selfish revenge.
- I’ll take revenge so that I feel better...
3. Perverted revenge.
- To take revenge on the uncle of the brother-in-law’s mother’s second cousin
sisters of the offender.
4. Masochistic revenge.
- To take revenge on myself...
5. Children's revenge.
- Die and make everyone cry.
6. Vengeance is vile.
- To take revenge in 20 years.
7. Vengeful sclerotic.
- To take revenge on the wrong...
or not take revenge at all...
or keep forgetting that you took revenge and
take revenge again...
8. Vengeance Soviet.
- Expel from the USSR.
9. Post-Soviet revenge.
- Don't let him out of the USSR.
10. Vengeance is moderate.
- Revenge 30 sec.
11. Revenge is immoderate.
- Take revenge all your life
12. IMMENSE revenge.
- Revenge all your life and in paradise, too, with stubs
throw away the apples.
13. Intellectual revenge.
- Challenge someone to a duel with violin bows.
14. Revenge of workers and peasants.
- Burn down the house.
15. Army revenge.
- 2 hours of drill on the parade ground, with a gas mask.
16. Vengeance is cunning.
-To take revenge so that they think that they helped..
17. Don Juan revenge.
- “Take revenge” through your wife.
18. Nodal revenge.
- Don't give me mail.
19. Vengeance point.
- Don't pick up the mail.
20. Vengeance ATS-naya.
NO DIALTONE.
21. Revenge SysOp?skaya.
Tweet.
22. User's revenge.
Swap.
23. Lamer's revenge.
.GIF
24. Women's revenge.
- "God will provide!..."
25. Vengeance programmer.
- Send a virus under the guise of a new game.
26. Vengeance teaching.
- Take an exam in another subject.
27. Miner's revenge.
- Do not go down into the face.
28. Student revenge.
- Go to the bottom.
29. Revenge drunk.
- Go on a drinking binge.
30. Police revenge.
- On the back with a baton ON!
31. Pioneer revenge.
- “Extinguish” the tourists’ fire.
32. Revenge pensioner.
- Force yourself to be moved across the road,
until the accompanying person is run over.
33. Mstya-2 pensioner (to the state).
- Live on retirement.
* * *
hangover
10 stages of a morning hangover
for a programmer.
1. Contemplative. Looking at the monitor
with clean transparent eyes, nothing
undertakes, does not press anywhere, occasionally
says in amazement, looking at the screen:
The computer is unplugged.
2. Active. With suspicion and squinting
looks at the keyboard, rocking everything
body, then with a sharp movement throws
hand, trying to press the desired button.
In case of a successful hitshouts
, in case of an unsuccessful hit, it demolishes the
nitor to edrena hairdryer, while good-naturedly
grumbles .
3. Moody. Sitting dejectedly in front of the computer,
trying not to make sudden movements.
Types text on the keyboard with the tongue of the head
and holds the mouse with both hands so as not to
tip over from your chair... As it turned out,
in vain.
4. Automotive. Trying to start the computer
rubbed with car keys, added
radio on the computer panel, and turn on
wipers, because "you can't see a damn thing,
but we have to go>.
5. Entertaining. Plays Quake, and
of all types of weapons he prefers his own
strong hands and fights with the monitor, threatens
computer back tomorrow with
karate friends, and fuck him like that,
which does not recognize.
6. Terrorist. After another
tortures to open his eyes, screams in horror that
the computer is mined because in the right
the clock is ticking in the bottom corner, and he dives under the table
7. State. On the offer yells at the computer:
,
sticks his tongue out at the monitor, makes indecent gestures
you and the ID of a deputy assistant
State Duma.
8. Optimistic. Cheerful, playful, attractive
I'm on an equal footing with the computer. After reading
page Anekdot.ru, also recalls
a couple of funny stories and tells them to my
nitoru. Then theydrinking beer together
The computer takes a sip of the disk drive.
9. Unix. turns off the computer, two
drinks beer for a minute, turns it on again,
waits for the intro and says in anguish
, turns it off
computer, drinks beer for two minutes, again
includes.
10. Calming. Reads for a long time, syllable by syllable
from the screen , after which, smiling softly,
says and falls asleep on the keyboard
* * *
How to communicate with your boss
(brief dictionary)
Nublya - an expression of consent (used
rarely)
Jobanarot - surprise at the volume of deliveries
task manager (usually disagreement)
Abanamat - censure of the quality of performance
assignments by subcontractor, logical justification
inability to complete your task
Ditynakh - an expression of disagreement to stay on
overtime work
Etpesdets - used when communicating with a number
legs when discussing the state of affairs
Avothui - used when communicating with
boss (behind your back)
Nehublya is a universal phrase:
used as a meditation,
and to express your final
positions when communicating with the boss
Ahulshol - expression of surprise at position
a boss who doesn't understand completely
to the essence of the question/task (usually
grew up)
Nutakyobt - a satisfied statement,
when the boss finally figured out the essence
question/task with yourhelp and agree
with you
Give money nah - a complex expression, used
curses in cases where the boss tortures
replace remuneration for overtime
work tour trip at your expense,
free lunch in a public canteen,
single card for half a month, etc.
(pronounced threateningly)
Nuyobtot - an expression of exclamation, used
zuetsya, both in satisfactory and
in an unsatisfactory solution to sluggish
affairs
Epseroth - expression of dissatisfaction -used-
applies in cases where you incorrectly
solved the problem and followed
sanctions from superiors
Mudablya - unsatisfactory characteristics
tic of a colleague/boss (usually the latter)
Yaibu - used as a response to the boss
to his question about the status/stage of the solution
task assigned to your colleague
(pronounced in a questioning tone)
Nutyblya - an expression of admiration, delight
regarding the professionalism of a colleague/supervisor
Nick.
* * *
Phrase of the day...
- Well, why are you standing at the door?!
Well, don't be shy, don't be shy,
go to hell!
* * *
The subscriber is disconnected or is
outside the network coverage area.
* * *
It's easier to bring a drunk girl to orgasm
than home.
* * *
Don't drink water from the toilet,
There are bacilli and infection.
You pull the handle, pour out the water,
Blow off the foam and drink safely.
* * *
JOKES about VovochkaThe teacher asks: - What in the world?
fastest, kids? Here you are, Mashenka..
Most quickly, Marvanna, a thought...
Right, right, Masha, why?
Well...before you know it, you're already there
or somewhere else... Okay, that's right...
Well, what do you have there, Vovochka?
- Most likely, Marvanna still has diarrhea,
Before you know it, you've already crap your pants.
* * *
In an economics lesson, the teacher asks
in children
T: Children, what is saving?
Mashenka gets up and says: Here we are with mom.
We go to bed early and turn off the lights, eco-
We charge electricity!
U: Well done, Mashenka, sit down!
And Vovochka gets up and says: And dad and I
our mother was kicked out the door!
U: Well, what kind of savings are there???
Vovochka: Well, I don’t need boobs anymore, but
daddy's dick doesn't get hard on mom, so why
why the hell is she eating our bread???
* * *
Teacher: children, what is two times two?
Vovochka: gangbang
* * *
A teacher tells a biology lesson
about ostriches:
-An ostrich can bury its head in the sand in its sleep.
steal an egg larger than a chicken and catch the train
At this time, Vovochka is quietly dozing.
Teacher: "Vovochka!!!!
Repeat what I said!!!!"
Vovochka: "An ostrich can bury itself in the sand
the very eggs, and if you step on them, then
you'll leave by train x.."
* * *
Teacher:
- Guys, today we will study the conjugation-
tion of verbs. Let's conjugate the verb"sing".
Vovochka, let’s say, if you sing, then how
you say?
- I sing.
- Right. And if your sister sings,
then how do you say?
- Shut up, bastard!
* * *
The teacher asks the students who they are
are going to be when they grow up.
Petenka: I will be a doctor.
Kolenka: I will be an astronaut.
Mashenka: I will be a mother.
Vovochka: I will help Mashenka become a mother.
* * *
6-year-old Vovochka runs to his mother in tears
and complains to her about his little sister:
- She grabbed me by the hair!
- Vovochka, you shouldn’t be so upset:
She's still little and doesn't understand what it is
It hurts when they pull my hair. Vovochka
leaves. After some time from the room
the child's cry is heard again. Mom runs in
into the room and asks the children:
- What's the matter?
Vovochka:
- Now she understands everything!
* * *
Maryivanovna at a literature lesson
asks the children:
-Children, tell Krylov’s fable
"Swan, crayfish and pike."
Mashenka, let's tell you.
-Once upon a time, a SWAN CANCERED A PIKE.
- Mashenka, what vulgarities are you talking about?
Sit down, two. Petenka, come on, tell me.
-Once upon a time, a SWAN PIKE WITH CANCER.
- Petenka, what vulgarities are you saying?
Sit down, two. Vovochka, it's your turn.
-Once upon a time, a swan, a crayfish and a pike...
-Well done Vovochka, a good start. Continue
further.
-... WE DECIDED TO KILL AN ELEPHANT!!!!!
* * *
The end.
MAIL:mcbzxlife@mail.ru
(c) 2004 MSV-SERG Inc. Sosenskiy-city
(Kaluga region)RUSSIA
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