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+-----------------+
| ZY P K A L O |
+-----------------+ +---------+
+--------------------|+part 1 |
+++++
|
+----------+
+-----------+--+
| fragment 1-3 |
+--------------|-
(C) 1999, E.Nesterenko/Jam/XPJ
Persons who will try to find in this
narrative motive, will be given under
court; persons who will try to find in
without morality, they will be exiled; persons who
who will try to find a plot in it,
willshot.
By order of the author,
Governor General
Head of the artillery department
(Mark Twain)
fragment 1
...The autumn morning in Gorlymovka was cold and gloomy - frosty
the light rain was strong and the wind penetrated to the marrow of the bones through the beads -
new chain mail, climbed under the damned plaid skirts, and wet
burlap cloaks were pulled to the ground, squeezing the throat. Battle
it was going to be difficult, since most of the warriors hastily
recruited from some left-wing suckers, has already managed to load more
dyagoy and many were simply unable to stand on their feet.
The most persistent in spirit demonstrated to the enemy their skills in mastering
using crooked wooden sticks, which they called “me-
chami", "axes", and some even "war hammers". Pre-
the drivers of the armies sat on “horses” - strong guys, standing
on all fours and trying to wave the ones stuck in their ass
brooms; one of them was chewing a bunch of grass to be more truthful,
although, perhaps, emy simply had nothing to snack on. Finally before
The leader of the Dark Forces is a great goblin nicknamed “Bursty” (participant
ongoing evening school forMexican emigrants) published by non-member
a separate cry, calling on fearless warriors to rush into battle:
- Now, my vegnye orku, please let us krobu and nactym
elven ghosts by conatkam!
However, the “vegan orku” did not share the enthusiasm of their leader.
child. In the uneven rows they were talking listlessly, someone shouted
“Go away!..”, there was a distinct smell of grass... Some left
build, muttering in disappointment about the promised “mountains of gold.” "Car-
"tavy" hesitantly scratched the back of his head, then decided to convey the ini-
initiative to the enemy.
- Hey, you elf nruxbocthu, come out for a big fight!
- he yelled.
A discordant rumble passed through the ranks of the “henchmen”, a pa-
ra of obscene exclamations - the “henchmen” also did not want to fight.
Then the leader of the elven army, the noble Lego Eye
(down of the second disability group, suffering from an old form of
alcoholism) said hoarsely and hoarsely:
- Call the bard!
The order had to be repeated three more times before Lego
Finally, the regimental bard appeared - a bony monster, covered
from head to toe with dirty, unkempt patlas and holding in his hands
balalaika. This was the famous oneSir Pedros, glorious performer
heroic motives, a fan of the legendary group "Ten Herpu-
"Tyat." He started a “song”, although he was clearly not in the mood - his hands were shaking
and didn’t hit the strings, the fingers got tangled so that everything
the cords sounded approximately the same, but his nasal voice
enjoyed enduring popularity and was intended to inspire courage
into the hearts of warriors.
Let's meet you at the Game,
Let's beat the orcs together.
Let's run to the kiosk in the evening,
We'll drink vodka with you.
On an arrow, like on a comet,
We will fly into the hearts of our enemies,
We will fly in, and you will crawl in,
Let's break off their horns!
The goblin bastards hid,
Drunk trolls look down
You... drive the sword into them -
They will fall.
On an arrow, like on a comet,
We will fly into the hearts of our enemies,
We will fly in, and youcrawl,
Let's break off their horns!
Let's meet you at the camp,
Let's start songs.
Let's fuck you behind the bush,
And this can be repeated.
I'm at the Game, like at war,
And in war, as in the Game.
But I'm tired, the battle is over,
I take the ax and go home.
Sir Pedro finally squeezed out the last
verse, and the elven army, inflamed with soul and heart, rushed
The moose rushed into battle, echoing the surroundings with terrifying cries...
fragment 2
Two kilometers from the battlefield, the shepherd Vasily listened,
drove away the approaching cow and pushed his sleeping partner:
- Van, ah Van!..
- Well, faq? - he raised his head.
- Hey, these sick people, scream again...
- No way, did you start fighting with sticks?
- Yes, something like that. Listen, Van, the other day to Grandma Nikulishnathey came and took two buckets of moonshine, that is. What do they need it for?
- What, what! Let's face it - they will drink.
- He's like that! But to tell the truth, they are sent to the neighboring collective farm
did you drive it to kaptoxu?
“No,” Vanka spat, lighting a cigarette and wincing, “no,
not on kaptoxu. To the Buryaks.
- Oh how! Well, I'll tell you, they are recruiting!
- Why so?
- Yes, because they are a very strange people - none other than
they are there... dude!
- Fuck you!?
- I’m telling you exactly. Grandma, Nikulishna, said that it was very
they look terrible - all covered in hair, some kind of rags on them,
covered with burlap. On the head are helmets with horns, like the Germans, yes
all with sticks, with sticks, like God's wanderers.
- All the boys, are the girls with them too?
- And you can’t understand them - they’re all hairy, in skirts, listen...
- You go!?
- Grandma herself said it. Listen, she's the only one like that
and say: “What is your name, daughter?” And how it will turn, and how
growl: “Grisha...”. Everything is covered in hair, but the beard is all over!
-Fuck you!??
- I’m telling you exactly. Grandma almost had a stroke. They pumped it out forcibly.
Now, he says, I won’t sell them moonshine for any price. Ish-
what to rape or steal faq. Over there at the woman's Zhuchka that year
three rows of kaptoxu were missing, and all the hemp leaves were torn off.
At first they thought that the bitch ota, that she was spoiled for climbing underground,
but no - the footprints, you see, are on the ground, and all the dill has been trampled.
- Yes-a-a... No, these beetles cannot be collected.
And the shepherds nodded their heads thoughtfully.
fragment 3
Meanwhile the battle was in full swing. Bodies of those who fought
were already completely covered with stick bruises, many successful
whether to wallow in the mud, and a good half of both troops ended up in
Deadman. Here and there shouts were heard:
- Don't hit hands!
- I killed you first!
- Where is my poisoned arrow?
- So what? I'm wearing copper panties, so I'm still alive
howl.
- Beat the bastards, beat the orcs!
- Oh, fool, why are you fighting, I'm a hobbit!- Beat the bastards, beat the hobbits!
- Let's go, let's go, for Mogdog!
- Nykhrond, come in from the left!
- I don't play like that!
- Guys, maybe it’s not necessary?..
- Horse! Half a kingdom for a horse!
- Hold Kaptaboro!
- Come on in the evening...
- Hey, quit the hair, you'll ruin my chemistry!
- Ha-ha-ha! Well, which of us is a slave?!
- Although I died, I didn’t die very much!
- Hooray! The orcs are fleeing, we are winning!
- Hooray! The elves are running, we are winning!
- A-a-a! What have you done? You broke my two-handed weapon! He was
mithril!
- Never mind!
- Screw it!
- Oh, come on! Should I go and have a beer?
- Guys! I'm hungry...
- And you said that you would be an elf...
- Burr!.. Ring!... Ring...- Hold me, otherwise I can’t vouch for myself!
- Guys, I want to smoke...
The battle went on for several hours and there was no more strength to hold on.
neither one nor the other. The losses of both sides were approximately the same
kovy, so in the end it was decided to conclude a bpemehoe ne-
pemupue and the whole crowd went to the nearest camp, which
relied in the forest. There fires were immediately lit and
pots with Mivina and pearl barley on the fire, they began to grind
opening cans of canned food and bubbling as it was poured into glasses
moonshine... A couple of hours later the former orcs were already walking around hugging
elves, and Sir Pedro, in a drunken voice, brought out the hastily altered
version of his signature song:
Let's meet you in Mordor,
We will execute Gandalf.
Let's make peace with the orcs,
We'll drink vodka with them.
On earth, as at a banquet,
We will arrange ourselves in a circle.
There is no better thing in the world -
Wash down the vodka with beer!
The hobbits hid in holes,The elves stocked up on weed.
You're going to fuck them up -
They will disappear.
On earth, as at a banquet,
We will arrange ourselves in a circle.
There is no better thing in the world -
Wash down the vodka with beer!
Let's meet you by the fire,
We'll cook porridge.
Let's catch up with a beer in the morning
So that it can be repeated.
I'm on booze, like on a needle,
And on a needle, like on a booze.
But I'm tired, the feast is over,
I finished my glass and went to the toilet.
But only a few heard the last lines, for the heavy
battle, late time and molasses moonshine destroyed most of the
boats of adventure. The dream found everyone in the position in which
rum he was in the midst of the celebration. Soon and the most stable
Some of the heroes snored with concentration, dreaming of the upcoming
victories and celebrations...fragment 4
...I opened my eyes. The forest rustled around, between the trees pactu-
There was a thick fog, it was early morning. My head was throbbing, my mouth was full of...
I was dry, and in addition I could not move my arm or leg. Mychi-
After carefully swallowing my saliva, I tried to get up. It didn't work out. However
I suddenly discovered with surprise that I was in a vertical position
lying down - I was tied with ropes to a pine tree. E-moe, what do I hope-
lal? It was difficult to remember yesterday.
I remember that there was a drinking session, there were songs... “And we’ll drink, and hum-
We will lie, and ork will die - nomuratb we will!” Then someone
laid down a new Game: “You imagine, everything is as if by chance!..”.
I remember how they dragged me somewhere, how I vomited on someone’s legs, and here
further... The only thing that stuck in my head was this
disgusting burry voice: “Tie it tightly so as not to gas-
got busy!.. Damned hobbit, put on new shoes! Have you knitted it?
Well, well, look for your tenerb Zygkalo!.." I realized that having solved the mystery
I will remember everything else from this voice. In the meantime, it was necessary to ocbo-
hurt from the ropes.
I started twisting with all my might, trying to loosen them, but
I only managed to free my left hand. Smashing the trunk of a pine tree with your hand
I realized that it was too thick and up to the knot,located with a friend
I can’t reach the other side of the tree. Then I looked around the fields -
Well, in the hope of finding some means of liberation.
In the clearing there were: ash from a fire, several empty bottles
(vodka, of course), tin cans (also empty), cigarettes
new bulls, traces of vomit and rumpled grass. Having contrived, I
reached to the ground and grabbed the nearest tin can. Bank
It was opened crookedly and the sharp edges cut the rope perfectly. Oc-
Having freed myself, I sat down on the grass, stretched my stiff limbs and
I thought about what to do next.
Judging by the terrain, I was deep in the forest and absolutely
I had no idea which way I had to go to get to
the nearest settlement, the names of which, by the way, I also
I couldn't remember. And then hunger made itself felt -
there was an urgent need to “kill the worm”, and, as luck would have it,
there was no field of view.
Having carefully searched the clearing, I discovered hidden in the bushes
a cauldron in which someone had thoughtfully placed a box of sleeping
check. This was already something, all that remained was to find something,
suitable for bapku. What can you find edible in a pine forest?
First of all, the bumps. But I’m still not a squirrel, especially not a broth of chicken
shek is unimportant. Someonetold me that you can tear the bark and...
wat ee. I examined the bark with suspicion and decided that I would try it
Not worth it yet.
Suddenly a saving idea illuminated my head. Mushrooms! Juicy,
delicious, sweet! How could I forget, this is the favorite food of the hobby-
Comrade, and I’m just a hobbit... as if. True, my joy was carried
How much was darkened by the fact that I didn’t remember what mushrooms
grow in pine forests, or rather, which of them are edible, and which ones?
some are poisonous. The first thing I came across was a red hat
white dots and looked very much like a fly agaric. I didn't eat it.
That's what you need! White mushroom - a thick, appetizing leg with a co-
brown hat. Having collected about ten pieces, I figured out what to cook
They won't succeed - there is no water. So, we'll fry it.
I was finishing the last mushroom when I suddenly saw a man in the opposite direction.
in the gas with a cylinder behind his back, who was walking, carefully bcmatpuba-
falling into the ground and from time to time spraying something from the hose onto the ground.
The sight is quite... unusual. I called out to him.
- Hey, what are you doing here?
He shuddered, turned around, took off his gas mask and carefully walked
looked at me.
- What am I doing, what am I doing! - he grumbled reluctantly. - Don't you see
- dichlorvos mushroomsI spray it.
- Why? - I was surprised.
- Ugh, what a fool! Yes, so that the goons are different
like you didn’t pick my mushrooms here, otherwise you’ll accumulate seeds, noca-
you grow, you water all summer, and then like this...
They go around and eat up the entire crop!
And the man, putting on his gas mask, moved on. Well, dis-
I judged, in general, correctly, there is no point in eating other people’s mushrooms, maybe
This is actually a nature reserve. I licked the stick that had the
mushrooms, then fingers, when suddenly I realized that I had picked the mushrooms
if only after that guy sprayed them...
Two fingers in the mouth is, of course, a reliable remedy, however
I still have the impression that dichlorvos managed to
"insert", because on the pine trees instead of needles there are leaves and
they were bright blue, and small pink ones were flying in the air
hippotics.
However, my mood improved and I walked briskly into
in some direction in the hope of going somewhere early or
late. As I walked, my memory slowly returned to me and I
I remembered that I am the hobbit Gonzo, Keeper of the Mirror of Hamadriel,
which the orcs cowardly stole and which I need to find and return.
I had a headbright, the goal was clear, and the road was crooked and
narrow - so, not even a road, but some kind of mushroom picking path. And all
When I realized that there was no way out, I remembered the old hobbit dog -
nude, helping travelers on the road and sang it, bursting into tears
tenderness.
How many years will pass, everything is about the same
kobzars are singing,
Everyone is waiting for the same thing, idiots.
Hobbits with ears made of stupid
some kind of game
Hippos are trampling in the morning.
Dawn is coming, there is no way out.
Steal the key and run.
We should eat it, but we need to run
Quickly so I don't get caught.
There is no way out. There is no way out.
How many years will pass, everything is about the same
They dream
Everyone is running there, turning around.
Everyone is flashing behind me
night lights,
Aheadcomplete swamps.
Dawn is coming, there is no way out.
Steal the mushroom and run.
I should sleep, but I need to run
Quickly so I don't get eaten.
But there is no way out. There is no way out.
How many years have passed, but still the same
They steal
And they still get hit in the forehead.
All your former doubts are you
drive me away
Still they catch up with me.
The end is coming soon, it's a dog.
There is no way out, even though we searched.
You have to devour it - it’s a pity to give it away,
If I hadn't eaten it, they would have taken it anyway.
There is no way out. There is no way out.
The path kept winding and winding, but soon I came out into the fields.
well, in the middle of which stood a huge old oak tree. It's strange, of course
- an oak tree in a pine forest, but by the way, this is a Game, everything is possible here!
I examined the oak. It was covered with old dry bark, the branches werepale, also dry, powerful rhizomes protruded from the ground. On a tree
Something sharp scratched out an indecent word - “Gandalf”.
It would be better to uproot this old ugly and gnarled tree from here.
yes, I thought.
- You yourself are clumsy! - the tree was offended.
“Wow, you can also speak...” I was surprised.
“Yeah,” it grinned smugly, “they were kinder here.”
Lateli, taught...
- Do you happen to know where the exit is?
- I know by chance. Where is the way out?
- Yes from here!
- But the path is behind you...
- No, that’s where I came from!
- Why do you need to go out somewhere?
- Yes, you see, I’m looking for one thing here - the Mirror of Hamadriel,
I can’t find it at all.
“That’s how it is...” the tree began to think. On this occasion I can
sing you an old wooden song...
If you become a mushroom in the forest,
I'll find you with a mushroom picker's knife.
At least hide, at least don't hide,Still moe you, doo-doo-doo.
Ay-ay-ay, I'll find you anyway,
Ay-ay-ay, uh, gay!
If you become a herring,
I will enter you with a hook.
At least swim, at least dive,
But still moe you, toot-too-too.
If you become a bottle of vodka,
Then I will drink you from your throat.
At least gurgling, at least not gurgling,
Still moe you, zhu-zhu-zhu.
If you become a nasty orc,
I'll beat your face all over.
Either run or don't run,
Anyway, I'll hit you in the forehead!
Ay-ay-ay, I still know better than you.
Ay-ay-ay, there's a gay somewhere!
If you become a monkey,
I'll put a banana in your mouth.
At least jump, at least make faces,
You still have to, well, well, well.If you become hemp,
I'll throw you into the Belomor Canal.
Even aphids, even damp,
But I’ll still grieve you, oh, I’ll grieve you!
If you become a Tolkienist,
I will find you at the Game.
Push, don't push,
I'll let you go anyway.
Ay-ay-ay, I’m still smarter than you.
Ay-ay-ay, where is the gay?
You are a birch, I am a pine.
You are winter, and I am spring.
You are the wallet, I am the money.
You are the ear, and I am the earring.
You're a peel, I'm a banana.
You are "kocyxa", I am bandan.
You are a carrot, and I am a beetroot.
You are the boss, I am the fool.
Нигер ты, a я - мулат.
You are cocoa, I am chocolate.
I was already starting to doze off when the tree diedfinally yours
boring song.
- Well, how? - it asked boastfully.
- Great song! - I lied without thinking.
- Hehe, that's what! - the tree grinned smugly. -
But have you heard the song about our wives?..
“Yes, yes, a cool thing,” I hastened to shut up the old log
mouth - Tell me, where are you and I?
- Like where? In the forest!
What a stupid log!
- Well, it’s clear that it’s not in the field, but tell me how from here
get to the nearest accommodation? Do people even live here?
“I don’t know how people...,” the tree began to ponder, “but I know.”
one troll, here, nearby... He actually doesn’t like guests,
especially uninvited ones, but no matter what the orc jokes about, maybe you can deal with him
agree. Just about what?
- Okay, okay, just tell me the way, and who am I with?
I'll agree anyway!
- Listen then. Do you see the path? You will walk along it twice
north, south once, then south again, then three times (remember,
exactly three, not five or seven) times to the east and twice to the
fall... Yes, and then one more time to the west. There will beswamp, but you're in
don't go to the swamp, but go to the clearing. In the clearing you will see a hut
na... no, that's something wrong... Well, in general, there's definitely something there
you'll see. The troll will sit on the porch, repairing the gun...
- How do you know that he will sit on the porch? -
I was surprised. - Does he sit on the porch all the time?
- I'm telling you, he will sit. I already know! Well, it doesn't matter.
As soon as he sees you, he will immediately run into the house. Don't lose it here
time and hide in the barn...
- What barn?
- You'll see there. Look, if you don’t have time to hide, try-
eat on your ass what a charge of salt is.
I grabbed my butt in fear.
- Don’t be afraid yet, the main thing is to do as I say, understand?
- Yeah.
- Well, then go.
I turned around to the north, but then something came to me
head.
- Listen, - I asked the tree, - well, I’ll hide in the barn, a
then what?
- How do I know? - the tree suddenly became angry. - Your Ig-
ra, cam and think...I sighed and resolutely walked north twice...
fragment 5
...A gray-haired old man sat on a rotten pine porch and repaired
self-propelled "Belomorina" puffed in his mouth, his gaze was myteh and
motionless. He seemed to be dozing. However, this was not the case. Just
"by packypke" the old man always slowed down, and the years took a toll on himself
know. The old man's name was Petrovich. Of course, he also had a name,
there was a last name, but for some reason no one remembered them, not even him
cam. And, in principle, there was no one to remember - Petrovich lived
in such a wilderness that only some meticulous
mushroom picker or forester.
But still Petrovich did not lose his vigilance, and there was a reason
- behind the hut, surrounded by tall weeds, was
specific hemp plantar. Fearing thieves, Petrovich day and
the night guarded its “reserve” - senile insanity of transformation -
he fell into a security mania, it seemed to him all the time that
someone is trying to “carry out” his plantar. And now he sat and
gloomily muttered some song, staring intently at the time
time on the sides.
The moon darkened behind the clouds again.
I haven't slept for three nightssilent watch.
Enemies crawl in silence. Treason, here it is!
I'm old. I'm weak. Oh woe is me... oh woe!
The bushes rustle in the night, the pine tree sways.
An owl screams, the wind is blowing in the field.
And in my head there is only one thought, one:
I may not see my plantation again.
Everything around is deserted and no help will come.
All my hope is in the right self-propelled gun.
And the vile enemy will eventually understand
What a well-aimed shot my shot hit emy's ass!
The bushes rustled, some suspicious person suddenly came out of the forest.
a strong-looking boy and stared at Petrovich with impudent, convex
eyes. Hobbit, thought Petrovich and rushed into the house for salt.
The hobbit, without wasting a second, rushed to the barn...
END OF PART ONE
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