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iSSue #001 "$$$$$$"
SEED:
Four system programmers are traveling in one train compartment c
one ticket, the second has four users with four
tickets. The conductor is coming. The programmers get up and go to the toilet.
The conductor asks the user for a ticket - they present it.
The conductor approaches the toilet and knocks. The door opens slightly and
hand holds out a ticket.
The same two companies are going back, but neither of the programmers
one ticket, and one user for four. The conductor is coming.
Users get up and go to the toilet. The programmers get up and go to
toilet. They knock. The door opens slightly and a hand holds out a ticket.
The programmers take the ticket and go to another toilet.
Moral - not all algorithms are developed by programmers
suitable for users.
AND HERE ARE THE STORIES:
Real case! Happened in Togliatti. One girl
studied at the medical institute to become a surgeon, and naturally, in the summer e
sent to practice at the local medical campusto surgical
department. One day she had to undergo surgery
removal of appendicitis (well, there, serve all sorts of chips, trimmings
accept...). It should be noted that the “client” was not caught
skinny...
An experienced surgeon, with the usual movement of his hands, took out everything
the insides, cut off what was needed, cleaned them, began to fold them
back, and then a small problem appeared: one layer
I didn’t want to put any subcutaneous fat anywhere. His doctor and
He’ll do this and that, and it’s as if he wasn’t even there! Surgeon
thought for a while, and with the words: "Ahh, to hell with it!..." he snapped
this piece of clothing, turned to npaktukahtke and, smiling, spanked him
to her on special tray with the words: “Here! You can fry the potatoes at home!”
The sound of a falling body, the clink of a tray...
During a trip to Moscow, my brother fell asleep at the wheel and...
carefully slid into a ditch somewhere in the Tver region. Ditch
deep, it is impossible to leave there on your own. Well, do
nothing, he got out onto the road and caught the car to pull at least
cable A huge jeep stops and climbs out
Hefty little brother. With all the stupidity, brother, with hundred
ring, cell phone on the belt and spread fingers:
- Sha, boy! Right nowIt will be like a boy! Now it will be
ok!
He drives his SUV into a ditch and spends seconds there
four, then calmly gets out of it, opens the window and
shouts:
- Well, did you understand how to do it?! - and gas.
Told by Vitaly Lennoy
One of my friend's father was disabled and for this reason he had
case a wheelchair (car). So, one day my friend and I
Having gotten pretty drunk, we gathered, as expected, to see our friends. By
due to the lack of other transport and for fun we went
on a disabled person. We're driving happily, not bothering anyone, but there's something ahead
a traffic cop looms. To be honest, I still don’t understand whether he
slowed us down (which is unlikely), or gave the go-ahead to another car.
But we stopped too late, having driven about thirty meters. Friend (he
was driving the car), already crazy drunk, opened the door, fell out onto
asphalt and crawled on all fours towards the traffic cop. Round eyes
the guards were visible even from such a distance. He's desperate
waved his arms and shouted: comrade disabled person, go, go!
Told by Alex
This story happened with a certain captain B., when I was
service as a two-year officer inAir Force SA. Specifics of our service
forced us to periodically change, hand over, receive personal
service weapons in weapons depots located in the distant
the end of a huge military airfield. So, one day this
Captain B. goes to the warehouses. Since it was necessary to cut on foot
It’s a bit far, he’s asking some warrant officer on duty
bicycle The path runs through the runway, a
it should be noted that those based at this airfield
SU-21 fighter-bombers had a funny property
almost silent landing. And so, crossing on a bicycle
runway, our captain completely by accident
notices an airplane approaching to land 100 meters away.
It should also be noted that fighter-bombers, unlike
the car is not equipped with a signal, and the pilot has long been
using the expressive means of the mighty Russian language, leads
dialogue with the command post. The captain presses on the pedals with all his might,
his pant leg gets caught in a bicycle chain and he falls. On all fours,
dragging his bike behind him, he tries to get to the edge
runway, emy almost succeeds, and in this
moment it is unclear how the pistol fell out of the holster
kypkom clings to some kind of bicycle hook and shoots.
The bullet hits the plane's wheel.SU-21, touching the strip,
starts to "goat". A young inexperienced pilot decides in a panic
eject, presses the button, but the ejection does not
triggered. The plane drifts off the runway onto the lawn, but somehow
With incredible efforts, the pilot manages to control the aircraft.
He jumps out of the stopped plane and gets ready
run up to the one lurking on the edge of the runway
captain and strangle him. At this moment the stuck
catapult The pilot's seat flies half a kilometer and hits
yard of a private house and kills a cow. Thanks to the fact that in our
valiant armed forces do not really like to advertise such
history, our hero escaped with just a flashlight under his eye,
ten days of arrest, a cash bill for a cow and wet
pants.
Told by Vadim Krutogolovy
More from untold jokes.
A Russian language teacher, peering for a long time at
directory name "MYDOCU~1", said:
- Of course, I don’t really understand your jargon, but
in my opinion, "assholes" is spelled differently.
Told by Dmitri Gornev
Rides alongthe city of Chelyabinsk has a crowded tram. And in it
a fireman is riding, in a bathuke, a hat, size 59 tarpaulin boots and
all that. And a girl squeezes through the tram between people,
pioneer, in a white shirt, blue skirt, blond hair, and
She steps on this fireman's boot. And so thin
says in a voice:
- Sorry, uncle.
And the fireman brightened up all over. He gathered all his politeness into
fist, strokes the girl on the head and says:
- Well, no fucking way, girl, no fucking way.
Told by Leonid Shilkrot
My brother assures me that this is true. One day he was driving
usually, without an inspection ticket, sign and first aid kit. And further
a scene like this happened.
The traffic cop stops:
- Why don’t you have a first aid kit?
- Here's a fire extinguisher
- Drive...
Told by Dima K
Shortly before the session, on some errands I wandered into the study room
part of the faculty. A classmate has already talked to our inspector
- black person. He wantedpass some exam ahead of schedule and came for
information For such cases, a test was usually used
A certificate of such a small format is for two or three students.
So, uhcnektpuca filled out some necessary
graphs and, handing this paper to the black man, emy says in a friendly manner:
- Well, no fluff, no feather!
The black man tensed, remembering the correct answer, and then
answered in a joyful loud voice:
- FUCK YOU!
Everyone present in the training section felt truly
ok. As S. Dovlatov wrote: “Although from the south, but
understands..."
Told by Lokis
My friend and I were returning from a long trip. Tickets,
as always, there was none, and the conductor agreed for a modest bribe
shelter us in the service compartment. And then, as luck would have it, there’s a revision.
The conductor comes running: “Guys, please go to
Dining car, wait." They came and bought themselves with the remaining
pennies of bread. An hour, two, three - we sit and drink tea. When we too
and the waiters became completely unbearable and returned to the carriage - a
the auditors have not left yet. “Nothing,” says the conductor, II’ll agree." And he drops us off - and it’s already nightfall - into a luxury coupe
to an elderly couple. "You see, good guys,
students, from the hike, don’t think that they have beards and
all torn." We sat down at the foot of the beds. We sat and were silent.
The husband and wife lying on the shelves are silent, but not sleeping. And suddenly my
a friend remembers that we took out a pocket knife in a restaurant.
He begins to rummage through his pockets and, not finding it, quiet, but
In a deafening whisper that sounds in the silence of the compartment, he asks me:
"Misha, did you take the knife?" God, how the poor woman screamed!
Told by Anonymous
An incident from life.
A man is walking on ckbepy and talking on his cell phone. He holds his hand
leads his 3-4 year old son, who speaks on a toy cell phone.
The boy stumbles and falls, the expression on his face does not change, a
into the phone he says:
- Bros, I fell here - come pick me up.
Kuzmich told
True story:
Queue at the gas station. The 600th is quietly standing in line
Merc. A Jeep Cherokee flies up from the side and backs up, getting ready
jump in line. The 600's window rolls down and sticks outmuzzle wider than shoulder width:
- Hey, in English, fuck you!
Submitted anonymously.
An incident at the military department at LCI. Colonel Medical
service gives a lecture. I decided to show the students the slides. Hung
There is a white screen on the board, I turned on the slide projector (remote)...
Stands with his back to the board - presses the button - slides
change, he makes comments. Suddenly - the slide turns out to be
upside down... All the students started laughing... Colonel
turns to face the screen - sees that it’s really a slide
turned over, puts down the remote control, approaches the screen... REMOVES THE SCREEN,
Flips it over and HANGS it back onto the board... Takes a step back -
the image still, oddly enough, turns out to be upside down.
All the students, naturally, lie on their desks laughing. After
This, the colonel says: “Why are you messing with my head?”
He approaches the screen again, takes it off again, turns it over and
hangs in the same position. All the students are just lying there
laughter...
There have been few such cheerful lectures at the military department.
Alexander told
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