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Crusade
or
Vasya in pimply berets
written by Igor Milekhin
It all happened
Somewhere in the Middle Ages,
Confidential about everything to you
I'll tell you this for now.
The Pope was a joker
And he loved to “download rights”,
Once I decided with Jerusalem
Start a terrible massacre.
No, first to think
So he's on the move right away
At the Ambassador of Jerusalem
Spit all over his beard.
There is nothing to do: the die is cast,
And the Rubicon has been crossed -
The Pope called to the army
And he dispersed them.
He sees: with such “special forces” -
Surely he will lose,
Apparently we will need an army
Collect from villages.
Sends an order to the military registration and enlistment offices:
Like, such is the parity here -
Take Lopukhov as soldiers,
There is no order and no trial.And the ringing rang through the inferno:
Who was swept from the stove,
Who's crazy about a hangover?
Who from the hemp field.
Vasya was just at the farm,
In pus from head to toe -
And in this very form
They brought me to the military registration and enlistment office.
Here the commission decided
To plant a dirty trick on your enemies:
Having enlisted Vasya in the special forces,
Everything went wrong.
Having spent a month in prison,
Poor Vasya almost died -
From great hunger
Ate my tarpaulin boot.
And a little later
They gave Vasya a shield and a sword,
(this is the Middle Ages)
Vasya must take care of them.
The general said sternly:
"Let's break it, you fucking louse!
We, pimply berets,
We'll destroy whoever we want."
"Glory! Glory!" shouted
Showing off to the world,
They were quickly packed
And they sent me to the front.
There, pimply Vasya takes
Showed what he was capable of:
Once I caught up with the Jerusalemite,
Yes, it will hit you in the nose!
Rescued by a whole company
From angry enemies
What did the Jerusalemite bring -
No point in touching mugs.
Once Vasil went on reconnaissance:
Dündel painted,Attached branches to the helmet
And... scared the whole camp.
Under cover of the dark night
He set off for Jerusalem.
Like a black man in the bushes and wax
Vasya was invisible to us.
But the patrol noticed him,
They gave Vasya cuffs -
He barely carried off his hooves
From angry enemies.
Vasya was very angry
And he came up with a terrible plan:
To beat the Jerusalemites,
We need to deceive them!
At night they made konyak -
Like a present to enemies,
And pimply berets
We settled quickly there (in the konjak).
In the morning this rascal
I discovered an adversary.
And without knowing the catch,
I was naturally very happy.
Dragged quickly into the city
This is the "creativity of the gods":
Immediately drinking and partying
And the river of moonshine.
When the drinking is at its peak -
Suddenly from this horse
All the pimply berets
We got out in broad daylight.
The washing started immediately:
The crusaders crushed everyone
Kicked off all the infection -
It was not a fight, but laughter.
And having destroyed Jerusalem,
They sent everyone home.
Vasya became our general,
Began to command the horde.
And notVasya sleeps at night,
There is no rest for Vasya during the day,
There is only one thing that torments Vasilka,
He dreams of one thing:
How to destroy Carthage,
How to exterminate the Zulus,
All blacks to your fucking mother
Cut, interrupt.
Only one thing saved Egypt -
Our Vasya decided to give battle
Maya, Incas and Aztecs
And the crowd swam there.
But to the Bermuda Triangle
Vasya got in and disappeared there.
Where did he go, what happened -
So no one found out.
(And what happened to him there is another
story).
FISHERMEN CATCHED FISH...
* * * * *
A fisherman sits on the shore with a fishing rod. Suitable
inspector and says:
- Fishing is prohibited here.
“Ah,” the fisherman says joyfully. “Now I
It’s clear why it doesn’t bite.
* * *
Two friends meet on the street during
heavy rain. -Where are you going? - asks one.
“To a football match,” the second one answers. - You
What - are you crazy? You're walking in such lousy weather
to the stadium?! Come with me!
-Where to?
- Go fishing!
* * *
A fisherman sits on the river bank, there is no bite and
he nervously shifts the fishing rod from one hand to
another:
-Eh, if everyone around didn’t say that
fishing is good for calming the nerves, then I already
I should have quit this job a long time ago...
* * *
Judge:
- You said that the accused is exclusively
an honest and truthful person. How can you do this
prove?
Witness:
- I heard with my own ears how he once
admitted that he sat all day with a fishing rod and
didn't catch anything.
* * *
- What happened, dear? - asks one
another friend. - The honeymoon is over. My husband left
to go fishing.
* * * * * * * *
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