Humor - Jokes.

Jokes


Sign in the computer support department:
Theory is when you know everything, but
nothing works. Practice is when
everything works, but no one knows why. B
THIS PLACE we combine theory and practice
- nothing works and no one knows
why.

                   ***

Two parachutists are flying side by side (protracted
jump), fly for a long time.  First (1) eats
apple, takes out another - offers it to the 2nd.
After eating, they fly on.    All over again
repeated several times.  2 - Listen,
where do you get so many apples from? 1 - Duc, y
you have a whole bag of them on your back!

                   ***

Helicopter simulator/trainer
adapted for Australia.   Customer
demanded to add a herd of kangaroos as
landscape detail.   The performer reacted
carelessly, I made a model of a kangaroo and
I pasted it using the copy/paste method onto the logic
infantryman, changing only the module
rendering.  As a result, when the helicopter
at the reception passed over a herd of kangaroos,
they dispersed, regrouped
and on the second approach they shot down a helicopter from
MANPADS.

                   ***

A student sits down at the table in the cafeteria
to the teacher He tells him:
- The goose is not a friend to the pig!
Student:
“Well, I flew,” and leaves.
The teacher decided to fail him in the exam, but
The student answered excellently.
The teacher asks a question:
- You are walking along the road andyou see 2 bags:
one with wisdom, the other with gold. What kind of person are you
will you take it?
- With gold!
- And I would take it wisely.
- Who lacks what?
The teacher writes “goat” in his record book and he doesn’t
Noticing, he leaves. The next day the student
comes back and says:
- Professor, you signed my record book,
but they forgot to rate it.

                   ***

A private building was robbed in the center of Moscow
apartment.  According to the palm print of the criminal
criminologists were able to establish that
he will live happily ever after, but
big and bright love never
will meet.

                   ***

Smart man + smart woman = easy
flirting
Smart man + dumb woman =
single mother. 
Dumb man + smart woman = normal
family.
Dumb man + dumb woman =
mother heroine.

Smart boss + smart subordinate =
profit.
Smart boss + dumb subordinate =
productivity.
Dumb boss + smart subordinate =
promotion.
Stupid boss + stupid subordinate =
overtime work.

                   ***

- What happens if you combine Microsoft
and Apple?...
- Microsoft.

                   ***

How did you study mathematics in the USA?
(historically):
1950: Lumberjack sells truck
wood for $100.
Production costs are 4/5
prices. How much income did the lumberjack receive?

1960:The lumberjack sold the truck
wood for $100.
Production costs are 4/5
prices or $80. What income did you receive?
lumberjack?

1970: Lumberjack changed the D1 value
(wood) by the value of D2 (money).
The value of D2 is 100. Each of its
element is equivalent to 1 dollar. Magnitude
Z (production costs) by 20 points
less than the D2 value.  Imagine
value Z as a subvalue of D2 and answer 
to the next question: What is the value
values of D3 (logger's income)?

1980: Lumberjack sold a truck
wood for $100.
Production costs are 80
dollars.  His income is $20. Yours
task: Underline the number 20.

1990: Cutting down beautiful forests
trees, the forester earned 20 dollars.
What do you think about this method?
earning a living?   Theme for
discussions after answering the above
Question: How did the birds feel and
squirrels after the forester cut them down
trees in the forest? 

                   ***

There's a history lesson in progress.  Teacher:
- The Americans dropped a bomb on Hiroshima,
killed two birds with one stone. 
Voice from the back:
- And two million Japanese. 

                   ***

A sailor is standing on duty in Smolny.
Lenin comes up and begins to wonder,
like life, this and that.  Sailor:
- Heregot married, had a child.
Lenin:
- Let me ask you, from which
what class will your wife be?     
Sailor (proudly):
- From the proletariat!
Lenin:
- And rightly so!  The proletariat needs to be fucked
first of all!!!!

                   ***

A man is sitting, watching TV.  To him
little son approaches:
- Dad, why can’t you watch this movie?
children? 
Man:
- Sit quietly... now you'll see for yourself.

                   ***

Competition for advertisements in minibuses

The quieter your voice sounds, the farther away you are
the taxi will speed away.
"Land - to the people. Factories - to the workers. Money -
TO THE DRIVER!
A piece of paper on the door glass in Gazelle on
places near the driver - "Seats for thin and
no bags! 
If you drink alcohol in the salon
drinks, do not pour on those sitting next to you
passengers"
"Please have some seeds, nuts and bananas
along with the peel" 
"Close the door with your soul, not with your heart"
Competition WHO SLAMS THE DOOR LOUDEST
It's over, all the prizes have been given out.
Inside the cabin on the door: "Place for impact
head" 
"The driver is "somewhere around here"
stops!" 
Moscow region "40 minutes of fear and you're home.
The cost of the Attraction is 26 rubles" 
“If you speak more quietly, you will go further.”
There is a sticker on the door of the minibus with the inscription:
"If you slam the door, you'll die from a tire iron" 
Entry to the salon is by invitation only!
Sticker on a Toyota minibus:
"Attention!  The car is on autopilot!"Inscription in the gazelle: The house has no end!
The inscription in the gazelle: “Stop “Here” and
"Tuta" is not on the route"

 ***

Exercises.  A plane with paratroopers is flying.
The time for landing is approaching.    On
release:
- Sidorov has gone! 
- I jumped three times and never used a parachute.
was opening! 
Well, in short, they pushed me out.  And at this moment
A meeting is taking place at the collective farm named after.  ...
Chairman:  
- Yes, how long, comrades, will it be?
continue?  The cows are not milked, all milkmaids
on maternity leave, tractor drivers are always drunk...
A terrible blow to the roof.  Chairman
(in a fallen voice):
- ... and this paratrooper is already fucked up. 

                   ***

Guest book of the site rossiya.ru

1003   Administrator: Azm ezm
provider of all Rus'!  Brothers and sisters
away we go!

11th century  Good luck to everyone.  Sincerely yours.
Cyril and Methodius.  There are cool fonts with
Izhitsa.

13th century  Advertising on the website: "We invite you to
excursions around the Golden Ring of Russia.

Teutonic Knights: Great excursion.
Great lakes.    Thank you, Alexander
Nevsky.  On behalf of all knights, Karl and
Johan - those who rode in the convoy with
polystyrene foam.

14th century        Server crashed
Tatar-Mongolian hackers. For a long time:

15th century  Ivan the Terrible kills a file with
by his son.  Details at Repin dot
ru.

16th century.  Advertising on the website: "Excursions around
goldenring of Russia".

Poles: Great excursion.   Excellent
swamps.  We ate fly agarics. Krzysztof got married
on the frog princess.  Find us via
Yandex.

1765. Catherine the Second: I am selling a garden
site in North America. 25 million
hundred parts   Near the forest, gold, mushrooms, 2
ocean.

1770  Prince Potemkin - Tauride:
Candid photos of Catherine II. Click
here!

1812 Advertising on the website: "Excursions around
"Golden Ring of Russia"

Napoleon: Great excursion.  Excellent
weather.   We had a great time in Moscow.
Thank you for walking me home. 

1825 Chat "Decembrists.ru" moved to
Irkutsk server. See link.

1838  Decembrists: We are back. Everyone
smack! They brought cool photos from hard labor.

1875   Popov: Just invented it
radio. Caught Europe plus.

1890  Mendeleev: Just invented
vodka. I'll go take a nap.

1917  Soldiers and sailors! We're getting ready
Near the winter one, ride on the gate!

1918  Lenin: People, where is the website with
BOILING WATER?   Kaplan to Lenin: I'm flying
burr with fear.

1924 Vovan is leaving us...

1941  Advertising on the site. "We invite
on a tour of the Golden Ring of Russia."

1942 Hitler: Stuck at level 9.
Did anyone even go further? Stalin -
To Hitler: Fool!  Read the guest book with
started.

1945 Hitler: I read the guest book
first.   Great excursion.Excellent
people.  Thank you for walking me home.
I will buy potassium cyanide. Necessary.

1960  Khrushchev: I’ll show Kuzka’s mother.
Press your shoe here.

1985 Gorbachev: They adopted a prohibition law.

1986 Accepted! I said!

1987   Does anyone respect me?
at all?

1998  Berezovsky: I know how to download
Big money on "Central Bank dotka ru".

2003, June.   Valery Gazzaev:
Send goals for our team. Here in
this gate.

2003, July. Abramovich to Berezovsky: FOOD
To London for shopping.   Pick 11
sports guys carry bags. Queen
England - Berezovsky. However!

2003, August.  Chubais. Climbed to the site
American power plants.  Everything is simple.
If you want to make fun, click here.

2003, September.  Putin for George Bush:
"I invite you on a tour of the golden
ring of Russia".   George Bush.  Thank you:
You better come to us.

                   ***

Husband to wife:
- Again, you haven't been home all evening. Where
drank? 
- What are you doing?
- Where did you drink, I ask?
- Oh, Vasya, at Petrovich’s...
- Did you give it?
- Oh, Vasya, I gave...
- Why did you give it, you bastard?
- Yes, he asked so much, begged so...
- Go, get the saw, and more
I never did!

                   ***

Given numbers from 1 to 10. You need to print 0,
if the number is odd, and 1 if it is even. How
solve this problem...
Computer science teacher:
if x=2 or x=4 or x=6 or x=8 or x=10 then
write (0) else write(1)

Teacher at the institute:
if not odd(x) then write (0)
else write (1)

Student: write (x mod 2)

Professional programmer:
a:array [1..10]:=(1,0,1,0,1,0,1,0,1,0);