Anigdot No. 43 - HELLO AMIGOS (Spanish :) , not AMIGA :( ) !!!

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  ▒▒▒▒░ ▀▀▀▀▄ Mr.ZERO
 ▒▒░ ▒▒░ ▀▀▀▄ and
▒▒░ ▒▒░ ▒▒░ ▒▒░ ▀▀▀▀▀▄ M&G Corp.
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▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▓▒▒░▒░ ▒▒░ ▒▒▒▒▒▒░ ▀▀▀▀▄ REPRESENT!
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░░░░░░░░░▓▓ ░▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ░░ About ▀▀▀▀▄ ▒▒▒▒▒░ ▒▒░
░░░░░░░░░░ ░░ ▓▓ ░░ M FOR ▀▀▄ ▒▒░
░░░░░░░░░░░░░▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ░░ E YOU.      ▀▀▀▀▄ ▒▒░
░░05.10.96░░░░ ░░ R ▀▀▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄
√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√ √√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√
         HELLO AMIGOS (Spanish :) , not AMIGA :( ) !!!
 Let's begin. We had a small delay of one day. Everyone has
happens (but not for everyone)passes). But we have something to tell you -
zat.
1: (The most interesting) This Saturday (05.10.96) something happened at the market
"novya explosion"! Two trade giants at once have new
and various games. This is SOFTSTAR's "APOLLO" and "THE HUN..........."
(I forgot the exact name) from MAGIC SOFT. Both of these games are
swipe across the entire disk and everything is well protected!
2: (decrepit news) WE WAITED - 3 years of torment and advertising and
here it is -> SHADOW DANCER, finally great graphics,
the idea and imagination of the authors. The game is good and "new".
3: Gentlemen, do you know the game DOUDLE XINOX, yes, that same crap-
I howl. The one who made it is just children and their hands grow from the wrong stuff...
th place and their head is in the ass..! All I mean is that they are not
were able (or are not able) to make a determination of Camston (those people have
which are not camston, you can forget about your G) in the game and it’s glitching and
You can play a maximum of the first level (even set the controls
not allowed). I'M ANGRY!
4: (The least interesting) My (Mr.ZERO) computer is glitching. Who can
help me with hardware, and I will help you with software (new games, etc.)!
                AS THEY SAY CHAO-COCAO!!!
√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√ √√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√
                        ---ADVERTISING---
          I sell and collect phones with caller ID to order!
       Some characteristics of the standard configuration:

- phone case type TECHNICA P-2308 (PANASONIC family)
- extendedkeyboard (23 buttons)
- large flat red indicator (70X15 mm)
- ELLIS type Caller ID circuitry (for micro-processors of the INTEL series)
- software version RUSS 22C+ (SUPER NEW)

   Main service capabilities of Caller ID "RUS-22C+" (ELLIS):

- notebook for 100 numbers
- memory for storing information about callers per 100
numbers
- memory of outgoing numbers for 100 numbers
- 10 universal alarm clocks with 20 different melodies
- number identification mode when dialing on a parallel phone
- ANTI-Caller ID mode
- warning mode about listening to conversations by strangers
persons
- remote control mode
- digital volume control
- call forwarding modes (by time and number)
nenta
- mixed request mode, which provides number identification
by 99.9%
- "line capture" mode - this mode captures (busy)
ie) telephone line for your conversation, as soon as the line
will be released
- auto search mode for phone numbers using 2 or more digits
- mode of blocking access to a long-distance line, using
lock-lock provided in the TECHNICA housing

  At the request of the customer, the Caller ID configuration can additionally
included:

- super large red indicator 90X20 mm.
- speakerphone (SPEAKERPHONE) of two types: 3 m./6 m.
- voice card (electronic answering machine) for 4 min.
- extended memory for 256 numbers
- electronic device BEEPERThe phone I purchased comes with a 2 YEAR WARRANTY!!!
The cost of a standard telephone configuration with Caller ID is 225 tr.
Assembly time is 3-7 days.

I also carry out:
- repair of caller IDs of any type
- replacing software versions with the newest ones
- replacement of housings + installation of large indicators
- memory expansion up to 256 numbers
- installation of voice cards for 4 minutes.
- installation of SPEAKERPHONa
Voice board (digital tape recorder) is an electronic auto-
a transponder designed to record the voice of callers.
                   QUALITY GUARANTEED!!!
       Call: 496-61-59 (IGOR) 19:00-23:00
√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√ √√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√

In the morning at the hospital. The nurse enters the room.
The patient says:
- Today you got up on the other side of the bed.
- Why is this?
- And you have surgeon’s slippers on your feet.

The engineer husband says to his wife:
- Honey, would you share the recipe for this pie with me?
I think your method would revolutionize the cement industry.
industry.

A flock of young males is running after the bitch. Behind is old Polkan.
Bobik:
- Polkan, where are you going?
Polkan:
- Or maybe I’ll give someone some advice!

The teacher brings a pigeon to class.
Holds his head with his hands, shows his tail to the students and
asks:
- Children, what is the name of this bird?
Nobody can answer. Vovochka comes home and tells
about this to parents.
The next day Vovochka's father comes to the doorclass,
pulls down his pants, lifts his shirt over his head and ass first
squeezes through the door with the words:
- Children! Guess whose dad came?

High water. A dog and a hare escape on a hummock.
Hare says:
- There is a boat floating - Grandfather Mazai is in it, he will save us.
The dog looked closely and said:
- No, this is Gerasim...

The lion caught the hare and said:
- Suck...
- I can’t.
- Suck it, they say!
- I can’t!
- Suck it as best you can.
- Crum-crunch-crunch...

Phone call:
1 - Hello, police?
2 - Yes...
1 - There's a dead horse lying there, on the street Dy-Dy-Dy...
2 - Dzerzhinsky???
1 - No, on Dy-Dy-Dy... and they hung up.
Call again:
1 - Hello, police?
2 - Yes...
1 - There's a dead horse lying there, on the street Dy-Dy-Dy...
2 - Dzerzhinsky or what???
1 - No, on Dy-Dy-Dy... they hung up again.
After a while the call came again:
1 - Hello, police?
2 - Yes, the police, the police!!!
1 - There’s a dead horse lying around, on the street Dy-Dy-Dy...
2 - WHAT?!!! On Dzerzhinsky, or what???
1 - Yes, damn it, I dragged her there!

"Churka" married a Ukrainian girl.
- If I come home and have a skullcap on my right eye, then I will
very polite, I will help you at all, I will fulfill all your wishes.
And if it’s on the left, then it’s better not to approach - I’ll swear.
- Now listen to me:
if you come home and my arms are crossed on my chest, it will
you have borscht and caresses and everything you want.
And if I’m standing with my hands on my hips, then I don’t care which eye I haveyou skullcap!

A black man and a Ukrainian are traveling on the train. The black man takes out a banana.
- ???
- Banana.
- Give me some kushtu.
- On.
The Little Russian takes out the lard.
- ???
- Salo.
- Let me try.
- Yes, it’s worth cooking it, lard is like lard.

The little Ukrainian married a black man. The mother-in-law is busy with her grandson.
- Mykola, eat lard or borscht. Well, I don’t have any bananas!

- Mykola, bachiv, how do you like to call Muscovites names?
- Yak?
- Piiiivo! I wish I could!

Two Ukrainians are lying in a trench.
- Mykola, finish me off.
- So I have no natpohub!
- So I’ll sell Toby!

One day Georgian (G) comes to the market and sees a man (M)
sells the bird.
(D) - Let’s get the eagle!
(M) - This is not an eagle, but a cuckoo!
(D) - Let’s get the eagle!
(M) - Yes, it’s a cuckoo!
(D) - How much is an eagle!
(M) - Ruble!
The Georgian guy bought a bird and went hunting.
He released the bird and it climbed into a tree and - peek-a-boo! cuckoo!
(D) - WHAT-WHAT? GRAB THE FAT ITSELF!

Once upon a time there lived a miracle-yudo in one lake.
Every 50 years, residents of a neighboring village brought to the shore of the lake
50 beautiful girls as a sacrifice to this miracle.
One day this miracle floats up and sees 50 beautiful
young men.
- Who are you?
- I am a miracle-yudo!
- You?! Yuden?! Soldaten! Foyap!

A drug addict (H) walks past a kindergarten and sees a little boy (M)
crying.
(H): Why are you crying?
(M): A.a.a.a..The machine is broken!
(H): (holding out a syringe) You have a new machine!
(M): A.a.a.a..I don’t want one, I want one with wheels!
(H): Well, bro, you're literally ruining me!!

At a lecture at the medical institute.
Professor (showing somethingaudience):
- This, comrades, is a uterus affected by syphilis.
Voice from the audience: - Professor, but this is a pie!
Professor: - Hmmm... Indeed... But excuse me, what about
In that case, did I eat during the break?

Lieutenant (P) Rzhevsky dances with Natasha (H), you know, with
which one:
(H): - Lieutenant, have you ever loved?
(P): - Fucked, sir...
(H): - But I’m talking about pure love...
(P): - After the bath I fucked, sir.
(H): - But I’m talking about high love...
(P): - I fucked on the balcony, sir.
(H): - But I’m talking about love for life!
(P): - It’s just that I didn’t have enough syphilis, c

A man runs along the platform with a bucket and yells:
"Ivanov, Ivanov!!!!"
A passenger leaned out of the train.
A bucketful of turnips.
A passenger in a compartment lies on the floor and thinks:
“Who the hell stuck out - it’s not Ivanov anyway?...”

A man comes to the doctor
- Doctor, I have cancer in my anus.
- Take off your clothes, bend over and take a look!
The doctor looks into the appropriate place:
- Ba-ah! Yes, you have a stone here
- Hey, he’s hiding behind him!

Controller(C) to passenger(P):
K: - Your ticket?
P: - My ticket.
K: - Show me?
P: - Buy it and see.
K: - Are you sick?
P: - What are you, doctor?
K: - I AM THE CONTROLLER!
P: - And I’m a plumber...

Traveling on a train from Moscow to St. Petersburg Pierre Bezukhov, Natasha Rostova
and the sleeping lieutenant Rzhevsky.
Natasha Rostova, enthusiastically:
- What progress this railway is! One foot still in Moscow,
and the other is already inSt. Petersburg!
Pierre Bezukhov, flirting:
- I would like to be somewhere between Moscow and St. Petersburg!
the lieutenant, waking up:
- I’ve been to Bologoe. Frankly, it's a terrible hole.

A certain theater in Chukotka is staging “Julius Caesar.”
The actor comes out.
- However, Caesar!
The second one comes out.
- However, Brutus!
The third one comes out.
- However, Brutus!
- And you Brutus? However!

There lived one man.
I lived very poorly. He had nothing, he succeeded in nothing
in life. And from such happiness he decided to hang himself.
I took a rope, came into the forest, and chose the largest and strongest branch.
Throws a rope at him, and sees that the devil is sitting on the branch and
looks at him.
(Ch) What a man, life is absolutely rotten.
(M) You're damn right, absolutely.
(H) What is the specific problem? Maybe I can help you with something?
And unexpectedly for himself, the man tells him everything.
The devil listened to the man and said:
- I can help you, but I can’t do anything for nothing.
Only for the soul. I offer you 10 years of cloudless happiness,
You will have everything. But in 10 years I will come and take your soul.
The man thought, at least he could live normally for the last 10 years, and
agreed.
He came home, and his house became huge, beautiful, a garage with
two cars, what not, and his beautiful wife meets him.
And he began to live wonderfully.
But everything comes to an end. Those allotted to him began to run out
10 years.
The devil must come tomorrow. Got sad and bored
little man.
I don't want to part withgood life. And he has a wife
She turned out to be not only beautiful, but also smart. She noticed
husband's condition, and asks:
- Why are you walking around looking sad and preoccupied with something, come on, calm down -
tell me.
And he told her the whole story. And his wife loved him very much,
and decided to try to deceive the devil, and says to her husband:
- Let's sleep, and in the morning we'll come up with something.
In the morning the devil came and said:
(Ch) Well man, time is up.
say goodbye to life.
Then the wife comes out and says:
(F) Listen, damn, I offer you two souls, mine and my husband’s at once,
but also for a reason.
If you fulfill at least one of my three wishes, then take-
eat both souls, if not, then you don’t bother us anymore.
The devil thought that she could order me a mortal, which I didn’t
can I do it?
Nothing. And he agreed.
They got ready, and the wife suddenly farted and shouted:
- Catch it!
The devil tried one way, tried the other, and didn’t catch it.
The wife pulled out her pubic hair, gave it to the devil, and said:
- Straighten up!!
The devil sipped, and blew, and puffed, and held it over the fire, but he couldn’t
straighten.
Torn it.
And his wife tells him the third wish:
- As a child, I was often asked to herd cows, and there was a wild one in the herd
bull
One day he ran into me and butted me. After this incident, I
There is a hole left from the horn (shows between the legs) and is not healing.
People said that if the devil licks it, then everything should heal.
Just try and lick it.
The devil gets down to business with all his frenzy(last try)
and let her pattern it.
The wife got excited, got carried away, and suddenly couldn’t stand it, and it was like FUCKING.
The devil jumps up and shouts:
- Fuck you, you’ve become completely stunned, you’re licking your lips in one place,
in the other it breaks.
And so he was!

The train was coming. In the first compartment of the first carriage there are two old women on the lower
the shelves carry on a conversation:
- I have parrots at home, I taught them to speak for two years,
and only recently the first positive results have appeared.
- And I have canaries at home. as soon as I got them, they
they immediately started singing.
At this moment, an unshaven, dirty face hangs from the second shelf.
and says:
- Speaking of birds. Yesterday the pop from the bell tower fucked, even
I didn't have time to tweet.

The kid presses the doorbell of his apartment.
Silence...
Shouts:
- Mom!!! It's me !!!
Silence...
He calls again, shouts again:
- Mom!!!!!! It's me !!!!!!!!
Mom, having finished smoking a cigarette with her drug addict friends, comes to the door:
-Who's there?
- Mother !!! It's me !!!
Mom opens the door and says:
- Son, remember: MOTHER is ME!!!

Oceanarium.
An unshaven guy stands swaying near an aquarium with a sawfish.
Reads:
- The fish drank... Yes, I need to stop drinking...

The Elephant and the Ant entered the Forbidden Zone.
Suddenly there was shooting, a siren, flares.
Ant to Elephant:
- Save yourself alone! I was spotted...

A bat, flying in a cave, hit the wall and is reasoning
sliding down:
- Holy shit, someday I’ll be killed to death because of this
player...

sittingChukchi in a tent with a tambourine and sings a song.
Suddenly a neighbor comes running to him and shouts:
“Hey, your deer fell into a crevasse!”
The Chukchi continues to bang on the tambourine.
“Hey, you have 10 more deer falling into the abyss!”
The Chukchi continues to knock.
"Hey, your whole herd is falling into the abyss!!!"
The Chukchi puts down the tambourine and quietly says:
"TREND, however!"

They remove Ucyca from the cross, first they pull out the nails from his hands,
And Jesus tilts his head at the crowd like a greyhound:
- And the legs???!!!??

A carriage with cargo arrived.
The male loaders said:
“We will vote the same way we voted!”
and refused to unload.
Loaders-women (there are such things!) said:
“As we starved, we will continue to starve!”
and also refused to unload.
The question is - what kind of cargo was it?
Answer: condoms. (They shoved it - they gave it)

Two Chukchi approach the ticket office of the railway station.
One says to the cashier: “Will this train take me to Chukotka?”
Cashier: “No, it won’t take you!”
Second Chukchi: "AND ME?"

One day one person comes to the bank and withdraws all (quite a lot)
amount of money.
The banker asks him (purely out of curiosity):
- You probably bought a new yacht?
- no...
- Then, the latest sports car
- Yes, no.
- Or maybe a new villa in Hawaii?
- Yes, no, no!
- Then what did you buy?!
- Two aces on _minor_!!!

Natasha Rostova says to the lieutenant:
- Rzhevsky there will be no one in my house tonight.
- So what?
- Well, I'll let the servants go...
- So what?
-The window of my room will be open, and I sleep on the first floor...
- So what?
- Well, come and fuck me!!
- I got the hint!

Riding in a carriage are Natasha Rostova, Andrei Bolkonsky, Pierre and
Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
Once there is a bump and Natasha emits a series of gases.
Andrey says: "
Something, gentlemen, today I ate bad cabbage soup."
They drive further, another bump. And again the same thing.
This time Pierre says:
“Sorry, apparently I ate a lot of beans.”
Well, the carriage stops, the lieutenant gets out and says:
- If this lady nephet again, say it’s me, otherwise I’ll
it's time to go to the club.

Ball. Natasha Rostova dances with Pierre.
- Pierre, you have something stuck to your pants.
Pierre went out and shot himself. She dances with Andrei Bolkonsky.
- Andrey, you have a dirty spot on your shirt.
Andrey went out and shot himself.
Now she dances with Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
- Lieutenant, your boots are covered in mud.
- This is not dirt, but crap. It dries and falls off on its own.

An American submarine surfaces near a Ukrainian missile launch site
boats. B
The captain gets out of it and asks:
- And, say, 10 mph?
The duty officer, carefully chewing the lard:
- Oh, too!
- What about 20?
- Oh, too!
- What about 50?
- No! Mikola's flippers are jumping...

Announcement at the station.
The fast train Moscow - St. Petersburg departs from the third
ways. For warrant officers and midshipmen, the fifth and sixth rails.

Natasha Rostova once asked Lieutenant Rzhevsky:
- Rzhevsky, is it true that horseradish helps with impotence?
- Is it true.If you take more and bring it stronger.

One day he comes (B) to school to pick up documents.
Marivanovna:
- (Q) Have you decided to quit school?
(B): - Here (M) you see, my millionaire grandfather went blind, food for him
help.
(M): - So maybe your grandfather will donate some money to the school.
(B): - (M) Grandfather is blind, not fucking.

In short, Schwarzneiger (SH) and Bruce Lee (B) once met.
Well, of course we drank a lot
Here (B) says (Sh):
Accept this iron ruble from me as a sign of our friendship.
(Sh) took it and went home. He comes, and his wife:
Drank with the cross-eyed guy again?
(W):
Well, he was drinking, how did you figure out that I was with him?
(F):
So you drink with him, you’re always carrying well hatches home!!!

What is the CPSU?
A set of voiceless consonants.

- Why do the new police uniforms have two metal bands on the sleeves?
personal buttons?
- So that you don’t wipe your nose on your sleeve.
- Why do they shine?
- So they wipe it anyway!

Yeltsin went fishing and caught a goldfish.
- Let me go, Borya, I will fulfill any wish!
“I don’t want to be president, I want to be king,” he answers.
At night, Boris Nikolaevich with his wife and children in Ipatiev’s house
security officers wake up:
- Citizens of the Romanovs! Get up, it's time to take photos in the basement.

Hospital for the mentally ill (psychiatric hospital, in short). The psycho is standing by
aquarium and pesters the fish:
- Give me a house, a car, a dacha! Are you sorry?
Suitable doctor:
- Patient, move away from the aquarium. Pisces can't speak.
-“So I’ve been telling him the same thing for an hour,” the fish is indignant.
- I've read a lot of Pushkin...

My husband returns home from work at night.
My wife is sleeping, and there is a note on the nightstand:
“Honey, there’s borscht on the table, wipe it off!”

One worker fell from the scaffolding and lost consciousness.
Another approaches and tries to bring him to his senses. Suitable
another one says:
- Take his hands out of his pockets so that it’s like production
injury!

- I bought a wonderful washing machine. She does her own laundry and
squeezes out and makes almost no noise...
- And for me she pours water, pours powder, etc., only
It makes noise often.
- Imported thing?
- Katka? Domestic.

The nurse will attend to a sleeping patient:
- Patient, wake up, take sleeping pills.

They appointed a new captain to the submarine, and as usual
ctapnom shows him the farm:
(sp): here we have a wardroom, here is a bridge, here is a cockpit,
galley...
(k): all this is fine, elder, but what about your women?
(sp): this is bad, but we have a cook for this.
(k): like a man! never!
Half a year has passed and the captain calls
(k): okay, eldest, I already agree to a cook, just so that
NO ONE KNEW!
(sp): who knows, it will be you, me, a cook, and 4 more sailors,
who will keep the coca.

A man (M) went out onto the roof to get some air.
He sees a girl (D) about to jump from the roof.
M - Are you serious?
D - Yes
M - Let me finally kick you?
D - Come on...
Fuck off.
M- Well, fly. With the breeze!!!
D - Stay happy. With tpunepkom!!!
M - ?????!!!!!!

Sherlock Holmes (SH) and D. Watson (dU) are flying.
They got carried away somewhere, well, basically, they got lost.
They look, a man is standing below, tending sheep and looking at them.
They ask him:
Hey man (M) where are we???????
The man continues to stare at them. The next gust of wind
carries into the clouds, and they hear:
- in a hot air balloon!!!!
SH - Do you know Watson is a programmer!!!
dU - How did you guess?
SH - Elementary Watson:
First of all, the answer came late,
secondly, it was absolutely accurate and
thirdly, it did not contain any useful information.
SH - (after thinking a little) Do you know Watson that we are in Russia
dU - Why?
SH - Only here can a programmer herd sheep

After the first wedding night. Husband (M) tells wife (F)
(M) - Darling, if I knew that you were still a virgin, I would be
more careful!!!
(F) - If I knew you were so hot, I would have taken it off in advance
stockings!!!

We ended up on a desert island (K)ommyhuct, (D)emokpat and (H)ippy.
Well, there’s nothing to eat, they somehow built a net, threw it in, and, well, how
As expected, on the 3rd try we got a goldfish. Hy fish im
says - guys, quickly chip in at one request, otherwise I
I'm in a hurry, I have things to do.
(K) - I want these democrats, the fucking filthy ones, to kill everyone
faces of the Earth forever boldly!
(D) - I want these communists, x@* scum, to disappear without a trace,
as if they never existed!
(X) - Ia bottle of vodka, please!

A girl is walking down the street and sees a man lying under the fence,
just completely drunk.
And next to him is a briefcase. Hey, the girl wondered who he was,
Well, it’s a sinful thing for her to look into this very briefcase.
And there's a book. Hy, the girl takes it out and reads it on the cover
- "Field theory."
- Hmm, strange, an agronomist... And he got drunk like a MYTHist...

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Editor-in-Chief: Mr.ZERO, Ilya, t. 499-3117
Technical editor: M&G Corp., Igor, t. 496-6159

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