Anigdot No. 42 - Hello boys and girls!

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  ▒▒▒▒░ ▀▀▀▀▄ Mr.ZERO
 ▒▒░ ▒▒░ ▀▀▀▄ and
▒▒░ ▒▒░ ▒▒░ ▒▒░ ▀▀▀▀▀▄ M&G Corp.
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▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▓▒▒░▒░ ▒▒░ ▒▒▒▒▒▒░ ▀▀▀▀▄ REPRESENT!
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░░░░░░░░░░ ░░░▓▓ ░░░░░ M FOR ▀▀▄ ▒▒░
░░░░░░░░░░░░░▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓░░░ E YOU.      ▀▀▀▀▄ ▒▒░
░░27.09.96░░░░ ░░ R ▀▀▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄
√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√ √√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√
           Hello boys and girls!
  As usual, we have a lot of news. And as usual there is nothing to say.
Let's begin. Yeah aa aa About the EU ->Why am I, oh, it doesn’t matter. Still, I
I’ll tell you about one magazine-newspaper :(. I’ll tell you its name right away:
ZX NEWS! The very miracle from St. Petersburg! I see only 2 numbers, but...
For some reason I don’t understand which publication to include it in (newspaper or magazine)
:) . The art itself with pictures (128k) and music (the same in 128k),
but, big BUT! I don’t remember the publication number, but it took 112 sec.
I uploaded the text and it took 136 sec - how long does it take then?
The reader itself if the text is packed approximately twice!!! Still
The information itself is interesting, but the shell doesn’t matter!
  I think it's time for you to look down and laugh a little (I
not about advertising). Goodbye!!!
P.S. I hope the guys in St. Petersburg will understand us - that’s right (if there are us there-
melt).
√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√ √√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√
                        ---ADVERTISING---
          I sell and collect phones with caller ID to order!
       Some characteristics of the standard configuration:

- phone case type TECHNICA P-2308 (PANASONIC family)
- extended keyboard (23 buttons)
- giant flat red indicator (90X20 mm)
- ELLIS type Caller ID circuitry (for micro-processors of the INTEL series)
- software version RUSS 22C+ (SUPER NEW)

   Main service capabilities of Caller ID "RUS-22C+" (ELLIS):

- notebook for 100 numbers
- memory for storing information about callers per 100
numbers
- memory of outgoing numbers for 100 numbers
- 10universal alarm clocks with 20 different melodies
- number identification mode when dialing on a parallel phone
- ANTI-Caller ID mode
- warning mode about listening to conversations by strangers
persons
- remote control mode
- digital volume control
- call forwarding modes (by time and number)
nenta
- mixed request mode, which provides number identification
by 99.9%
- "line capture" mode - this mode captures (busy)
ie) telephone line for your conversation, as soon as the line
will be released
- auto search mode for phone numbers using 2 or more digits
- mode of blocking access to a long-distance line, using
lock-lock provided in the TECHNICA housing

  At the request of the customer, the Caller ID configuration can additionally
included:

- speakerphone (SPEAKERPHONE) of two types: 3 m. / 6 m.
- voice card (electronic answering machine) for 4 min.
- extended memory for 256 numbers

  The phone I purchased comes with a 2 YEAR WARRANTY!!!
The cost of a standard telephone configuration with Caller ID is 225 tr.
Assembly time is 3-7 days.

I also carry out:
- repair of caller IDs of any type
- replacing software versions with the newest ones
- replacement of housings + installation of large indicators
- memory expansion up to 256 numbers
- installation of voice cards for 4 minutes.
- installation of SPEAKERPHONa
Voice board (digital tape recorder) is an electronic auto-
defendant, designed to record the voice of callers.
                   QUALITY GUARANTEED!!!
       Call: 496-61-59 (IGOR) 19:00-23:00
√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√ √√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√

A man (M) came to the dentist (C) and asked:
M: Listen, pull out the tooth, eh!
S: So I can’t - the spittoon is full
M: Well, pull it out, it hurts
S: Unless you take a sip from the spittoon
A man falls to the vessel and drinks all its contents at once.
S: Are you crazy??!!!
M: No - I got a long snot

Two men are sitting at a table in the dining room.
One has cutlets, the other has stuffed peppers. First
hairs come across, one after another.
2nd: Go to the canteen manager and be indignant, how so...
The first one approaches the director:
Why is there so much hair in the cutlets?
D: yes, you see, our cook has a hairy chest.
1st: ???!!! So what ?
D: Well, he’s still an idiot, he doesn’t have an arm.
1st: Well, why is the hair in cutlets?
D: So it’s not convenient for him to sculpt them with one hand, he puts them on his chest
slaps it, and then onto the frying pan.
The first person returns to the table.
2nd: Well, how did you find out why there was so much hair?
1st: Yeah, go and ask how the cook stuffed the peppers for you!!!

The grandfather was driving a cart, suddenly his wheel came off and rolled
into the bushes. Grandfather went after him. He walks into the bushes and there are two buddies there
They throw pills.
Sidekicks say, what about grandfather?
Grandfather:
"Yes, I would like a wheel..."
Sidekick, handing him 1 tablet:
"Ongrandpa"
Grandfather:
"Yes, I wish I could get there"
Pouring a whole bunch of sidekicks:
"Well, you're a grandfather and impudent"

The grandfather lies dying, his sons and relatives are around him, swallowing his tears.
Grandfather (D) and says to sons (S):
- I want, sons, that you did a good deed before my death
go and mate our cow with our neighbor's breeding bull...
My little sons run out of the house, it’s been an hour, it’s been an hour, they’re finally coming.
beaten, torn, covered in manure and straw.
(D) - Well, sons, did you mate?
(C) - No, grandfather, we couldn’t... We were still able to put the cow on his back
lay him down in the hayloft, but they never brought the bull to his knees...

The general has arrived at the unit and enters the dining room
and asks the (S)oldiers:
(G): Well, how does the porridge taste?
(S): YES!
(G): Is it enough?
(S): Yes! Still remains
(G): What do you do with what’s left?
(C): We eat more and there’s not enough

Grandma (B) comes to the military registration and enlistment office and approaches the military commissar (B).
(B) - Give me benefits son!!!
(B) - Did you, grandma, fight?
(B) - What about my dear, partisan, throughout the war.
(B) - It must have been difficult?
(B) - Oh, it’s hard, dear, partisans used to come, tired from the forest,
I give them tea, pour a bath, cognac, and they remember it to me right now
DANKE everything, DANKE!

Petka (P) and Vasily Ivanovich (VI) decided to stop drinking.
We agreed that if anyone appeared drunk, he would be shot. month
I endured it, couldn’t stand it, went to a tavern and got drunk. Home
He’s walking, thinking he’ll fall at VI’s feet, maybe he’ll forgive him and not shoot him.
And then again, VI comes to meet you halfway. P falls at his feet:
-Sorry, VI, don’t shoot me, I won’t do it again
VI sat down and hugged P (with slurred tongue):
Oh, don’t bark, Zhuchechka, otherwise P will shoot you and me!

Englishwoman napkyet car:
Accidentally hits a car in front with its bumper,
frightened, he puts the car into reverse and hits the car,
standing behind.
A policeman approaches and asks:
- Does madam park by hearing?

A man is sitting on a bench.
A little girl runs up to him.
D: - Uncle, say five.
M: (in a low, tired voice) - Well, five, girl
D: - You’re a fool again... Uncle, say seven.
M: - Well, seven
D: - You are a complete fool
M: - Hmm... Girl, say ten
D: - Ten
M: - Well, you have a whole Panama hat!
D: - Uncle, it’s not so easy...
M: - But you have nothing to do, girl, so you sit and fold!

Walks along the fence, barely keeping his balance, well tipsy
man (M1). He sees another man lying in a puddle near the fence (M2)
completely drunk.
M1: Uh, I got drunk like a pig. My legs can't hold me up!
M2: Right now the fence ends, I’ll look at you.

So the actor (A) is sitting in the dressing room of the theater, looking at the mirror
looks melancholy, draws his eyebrows...
An acquaintance (Z) comes to him with a child and says:
(Z): Listen, I’ll leave my son with you for half an hour, I’m here at
Do you need to run to the store?
(A): No, well, how can you, my working day is over...
(Z): Okay, I’ll quickly...
Left.
The child (R) sat on a chair in the corner.
The actor continues to trim his eyebrows...
(A): Well-ssss... And how about uscall...?
(R): Maximka!!!
(A): And how old are we...?
(R): Three!!!
...
(A): Three...? Mmmm-yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssset
(R) embarrassed: - Yeah...
(A): That's right... It's too early to eat...

P.S. (The actor is best portrayed as a great po&wist,
who do not leave their eyebrows unattended, and the boy - frisky
and cheerful..)

Ivan Tsarevich married Vasilisa the Wise. And he has x$#
small. Vasilisa says, go to Baba Yaga, she’s just
will do. Well, screw him. Baba Yaga cast a spell and he grew up to be a huge man.
It’s completely cool, Vasilisa likes it, but it’s uncomfortable to wear. He's gone
even to Baba Yaga, she says. That's it, let's do it like this - clap your hands
you clap (clap), it becomes big, you snap your fingers (click)
- small.
He comes home. hey, he says, Vasilisa, get up, come on.
Well, she got up.
Ivan: clap, clap, clap, clap...

Mashenka is sitting in class, her first period begins.
She got scared, called the teacher, and she said to her:
“You, Mashenka, go home, mom will explain everything to you.”
There is nothing to do, she goes home. I left school, and there Vovochka
sits on a bench, skips classes, smokes.
He saw her and said:
“What are you, Mashenka, an excellent student, an exemplary girl, and
Are you taking a walk?"
Mashenka answers him:
“Yes, you understand, Vovochka, well, here I am...”.
He lifts up his dress, and Vovochka sees little white panties, and on them
bloody stain.
“Yes, Mash, I’m certainly not an expert...
(significant pausewhen telling a story),
but in my opinion they tore your x$# off!"

The wife is in the bed, in front of her is the husband with a suitcase and branchy horns on
head
Wife: - There is such a person, and you know him...

At the military academy... exam in the subject:
(P)Colonel-Dean: - Question for “five”: what is my name???
Silence in response.
(P): - Question for “four”: what color are my shoes???
Silence in response.
(P): - Question on “three”: what color is the textbook???
A whisper can be heard from the back rows: “He’s going to hell!”

Divorce. The judge asks:
- Tell me, why did you decide to divorce your wife?
- Yes, she got me.
- Tell me how.
- Well, please. Spring is outside, I go out onto the balcony, there are birds there
singing, the sun is shining, communists at the May Day demonstration with
they go with flags. And then the wife runs out and yells: “Throw out the tree, throw it away
Christmas tree..."

The problem of wife and husband has existed for a long time so:
HUSBAND (to wife):
- You sound like an idiot...
WIFE (to husband):
- I'm saying this so that you understand...

So the stoned punk is waiting for the tram, it arrives.
The doors open. Punk looks there and stands still. Doors
are closing.
Punk:
Well, I would like this (claps his hands, then spreads his arms) OOP!
PUNK:
X#$!
Duc!!!???

A Georgian (G) is sitting, a girl (D) is jumping nearby and singing:
la-la-la, la-la-la.
D: Uncle, uncle, tell me ONCE?
G: Leave me alone, girl!
D: Uncle, uncle, say it ONCE!
G: Well, once.
D: Ha, pe%^&ras! La-la-la, la-la-la!
Again:
D: Uncle, uncle, tell meFIVE?
G: Leave me alone, girl!
D: Uncle, uncle, say FIVE!
G: Well, five.
D: Ha, pe%^&ras again! La-la-la, la-la-la!
After some time:
D: Uncle, uncle, say SEVEN?
G: Leave me alone, girl!
D: Uncle, uncle, say SEVEN!
G: Well, seven!
D: Ha, not at all! La-la-la, la-la-la!
Some time has passed again:
G: Girl, girl, say THREE?
D: THREE...
G: The dagger hits you right up to the hilt! Tra-la-la, tra-la-la!

Someone took seven bribes for a meager amount. Finished the game, paid
lost and shot himself.
At the funeral, two of his partners go in procession:
- But if I had come in with a pike, he would have taken more than seven bribes
and eight...
- Come on, it turned out so well!

(K)opoba climbs a birch tree.
(B)opoha sits on a birch tree.
(B) from above: - Hey, you fool, where are you going?
(K): - there are apples...
(B): - Why are you even crazy - this is a birch - they don’t grow on it!?
(K): - and I have with me...

Ilya Muromets drives up to the hut-on-chicken-legs and says:
“Izbushka, Izbushka, turn your back to the forest in front of me....
.... and slightly nporhucb"

There is a conference of genetic engineering specialists.
The British delegation makes a report: in our research we
achieved unprecedented results that we can make any penis
any length. Friendly applause.
The French delegation is next to make a co-report:
the result of our work is what we can now do
penis of any thickness.Endless applause.
The (A)Armenian delegation rises: (with a Caucasian accent) and we
we have achieved unprecedented results, which we can do practically
blue penis is like a melon.
The mansion hall - why is it so long and thick?
A - Nat, mai daragie, sweet as a melon.

Divorce proceedings are underway...
Judge:
- For what reason to divorce?
Husband:
- Yes, she is very elegant!
- What ?
- Well, it’s too elegant.
- How does this elegance manifest itself?
- Well, elegant and that’s it... well!
- But still?
- Well, for example, my wife takes it in her mouth at night...
- So this is wonderful!
- Yes, but she’s like howling...

On a crowded bus, a fat man addresses the crowd:
- Give way to the man with the aquarium!
Some pioneer rises. The guy immediately plops down on the seat
and turns to the window.
Pioneer:
- Eh, where is the aquarium?
A man patting his stomach:
- Three liters of beer, two herrings.

A climber (A) climbed the mountain and saw 2 men (M1, M2) at the top:
They jump down and immediately fly back up the mountain.
A:  ????!!! How do you do this?!
M1: It’s very simple: if you jump, you’ll be sent back in streams of warm water.
throws out air. Try it!
A: I’ll try right now.
Jumps, flies, disappears from sight...
M2: Damn... Well, although you Peter are an apostle, you are such a bastard...

The doorbell rings.
They open it - a locksmith is standing on the threshold:
- Did you call a locksmith?
- No
- How? Citizen Ivanova doesn’t live here?
- But she died 2 months ago!
- InPeople! They call a locksmith, but they themselves die in peace!

New Russian meets a girl in a restaurant.
The girl asks him: Do you have a Mercedes?
HP: no
Girl: what about a two-story house?
NR returns home and complains to his father:
Dad, why don’t we have a Mercedes and a 2-story house?
Father: okay, well, I’ll change the Rolls-Royce to a Mercedes, and the third
We will not demolish the floor.

Once a general came to the military unit for an inspection.
He gathered the (c)soldiers around him and began asking them questions:
G: How do you resolve food issues in your unit?
s: Great. We have a wonderful dining room.
G: How are things going with vodka?
s: Good too. Every day a car with vodka arrives.
G: Well, how do you solve problems with girls?
s: We have a camel for this.
G: Well, this is not good. It's somehow inconvenient. She's big.
s: Yes! So we have a ladder.
G: Let me try.
s: Please!!!
The general climbed up the ladder onto the camel, did his job, and
says:
G: Everything is fine, of course, but girls are better!
s: So we go to the girls on a camel.

The USSR sent two people to the international violin competition
musician, one old (S), honored, the second young (M),
unknown to anyone. The main prize of the competition is a Stradevari violin
use throughout the year. The old one takes second place in the competition
place, and the young one last. After the competition in the hotel room
the old one rushes around the number from corner to corner, and the young oneit's watching
lying on the bed.
S.-Well, why, why did I fake this B flat?? After all, I could
play the violin of Stradevari himself for a whole year. Well why??...
M.-Listen, why are you rushing around? What is this Stradivarius anyway?
S. adjusting the pince-nez on his nose with his index finger:
- Young man! You see! Stradevari violin for us
musicians, this is like Dzerzhinsky’s Mauser for you!

Family Husband, Wife, Son flew to Sochi on vacation and are going by taxi
from Adler to the center. Driving past the area where I once was
Stalin's dacha, Taxi driver turns to Husband in the front seat
and says in a whisper:
- Stalin's Hill!
The husband turns to his wife in the back seat and also whispers:
- Stalin's Hill!
Wife whispers to son:
- Stalin's Hill!
Son whispers to his wife:
- Why in a whisper?
Wife whispers to her husband:
- Why in a whisper?
Husband whispers to the Taxi Driver:
- Why in a whisper?
The taxi driver whispers:
- Yes, you see, yesterday I ate too much ice cream...

One day two mosquitoes were riding bicycles. Suddenly one of them
twitched and almost fell.
"What's wrong with you?" - asked the second one.
“Nothing, just a fly in my eye”

Don't wake up your neighbor, who is sleeping during the lecture,
for, having awakened, he will be very p#$%!

The fox is drowning in the river (L).
A crow sits on a tree (B) and looks.
(L) - Help! Help! Crow, are you blind?
(B) zero emotion.
(L) - Help! Help! Crow, are you deaf?
(B) zero emotion.
(L) drowned.
(B) - Blind, deaf... fucking me!

Two HPwalking around the Louvre
- Listen, tomorrow is Mishka’s birthday, I need to buy a gift.
- Let's find something...
Approaches the servant:
- Tell me, how much is that picture worth?
- What are you talking about, this is the greatest work of art, it is located
under state protection and not for sale
- Tell me how much it costs
- $500,000, but monsieur...
HP lays out a case with lemon $, attendant (????!!!!)
Removes the painting, HP cuts it out of the frame with a pocketknife,
rolls up
- Well, we bought a postcard, now let's go get a gift.

Two people are sitting.
One says to the other:
1: Listen, they say that when you kiss, 50 thousand are transferred
germs!
2: ?!!! However, you give just as much!!!

A lecture at a medical school begins.
Lecturer:
Once upon a time, my friend and I were in love with the same girl. But she
preferred him to me. As a result, I was left with my nose, and my friend -
without. So, our lecture today is about syphilis.

Game "Sour Apple". The presenter asks people for adjectives,
at the end of 2 phrases.
In some left kingdom, an oblique state, there was a stupid city.
Blue cars drove along the greasy streets. In a wooden pond
Stunned swans swam. And in a smoke-filled house lived a complete loser
a guy with shaved hair and he had a girlfriend with a bad
figure. And one moronic night, he came and told her:
- You should go home, Penelope!
To which she replied:
- He proposed to me again!...

A man comes to a restaurant.
The waiter to him:
"Whatif you please?"
A man ordered himself something to eat and drink, and the waiter asked:
"Will you have some salt?"
M: "I will."
A: “Which variety do you like: 'damn it' or 'well-e-mine'?”
M (after thinking): “The hell will sort it out, bring it both”
The waiter brings a healthy, fragrant dish and two salt shakers.
The man takes the first salt shaker and starts shaking it - people fall from there
two or three grains.
A man with the words:
"Holy shit!" (angry and irritated) puts down the salt shaker and takes
second. As soon as I brought it to the plate, the lid of the salt shaker fell off and
All the salt was poured onto the plate.
M (surprised and disappointed): “Well, my-e-e-e-e-e.”

The general arrived at the unit for an inspection, which means...
Well, he looks - everything is orderly, clean...
Suddenly he sees a bull lying around. Well, he goes to the orderly:
"Whose bull?!"
The orderly called everyone, stood around, asked everyone:
"Whose bull?! I’m asking for the last time!”
Nobody admits, so, well, he’s approaching the general, bull
fusses him and says joyfully like this:
"Nobody's bull! Smoke, Comrade General!"

A drunk man came home, took a glass, having nothing to do
went to the phone and dialed: 92-92-92.
- Hello, is this 92-92-92?
- Yes.
- Ohhhh!
I thought, took another glass, and dialed again: 92-92-92.
- Hello, is this 92-92-92?
- Yes.
- And hooligans are probably calling you too?
- Yes, they are calling...
- Ohhhh!

A partisan sits by the railway and, that is, lays a mine.
He laid it down, unwound the Bickford cord, took out matches, and began
light the cord. He takes out a match, strikes it on the box -nothing
it doesn't work. Throws away a match, takes out a second one - the same
history, takes out the third - the same thing. Suddenly - a kick in the side
looks up - a German soldier is standing:
- Partisanen?
- Well...
The German takes the boxes from the hands of the partisan and reads:
- Balabanoffo... - gives the box back
- Well, tsfik, tsfik...

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Editor-in-Chief: Mr.ZERO, Ilya, t. 499-3117
Technical editor: M&G Corp., Igor, t. 496-6159

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