Humor - "New Russians" :) - "heroes of our time." :) Well, not only them. ;-)

   "New Russians" :) - "heroes of our time." :)
Well, not only them. ;-)



Phone call in Yeltsin's office.
Secretary:
- Boris Nikolaevich, you... Prime Minister...
Yeltsin:
- If it’s Primakov or Kiriyenko, then I’m not there...
  understand...
And if it’s Stepashin or Chernomyrdin, then I’ll take it...
Secretary:
- This is Putin!


One day Putin comes to Yeltsin and says: “Boris
Nikolaevich, can I ask you an indiscreet question?
How many prime ministers did you have before me?
 Yeltsin:
- Volodya, let's not talk about sex.
- ?!!


2000 Summer. Moscow. An infidel walks near the Kremlin
walks like a tall old man and puts up advertisements with
with tear-off ends: "FAMILY will rent an apartment. With
For proposals please contact..."


Stirlitz was driving from Switzerland - in the latest Mercedes -
se,” with a “Walter” in his pocket and a brand new voice recorder
in his bosom.
“New Russian,” Muller thought contemptuously.


The Mystery: This Organized Crime Gang
deeply integrated into power structures, widely
uses a police uniform in his activities,
transport and communications, attaches to its criminal acts
appearance of legality. Main source of income
this mafia is a racket of car enthusiasts and others
vehicle owners. Uses cover
the government of Moscow and personally Yu.M. Luzhko-
va.
Answer: environmental police.


Based on TV commercials...
"You already know what he will saydoctor...
 THE GIRL HAS SYPHILIS!!!"


Dedicated to the Y2K problem.
Question: Do you know why Nostradamus (like many
other predictors) spoke about the end of the world in
1999?
Answer: They all also had the Y2K problem...


Yavlinsky Khristenko to the people.


The traffic policeman will stop the 600th Mercedes. To get
amount in cash, begins to find fault.
- Good afternoon... uh... is there a first aid kit?
- Why, exactly, do you feel bad?


To date, the Central Election Commission has registered
The following coalitions are included:
- "For Victory!" G. Zyuganov
- "For Moskvich!" Yu. Luzhkova
- "For GAS!" B. Nemtsova


One of the folk wisdoms of the Dakota Indians says:
"If you discover that your horse is dead, then
borrow from her." But we, real managers, do not give up,
finding yourself in a similar situation.
1. We will buy a longer and thicker whip.
2. We will replace the riders.
3. We will say: “We have always ridden horses like this.”
4. We will create a working group to analyze the dead
   horses.
5. We will go on business trips abroad to study
   Read foreign experience in racing on dead horses.
6. We will raise the quality standards for riding
   dead horses.
7. We will create a Task Force to revive dead lo-
   shady.
8. We will go to advanced training courses, which-
   I wish I could learn to jump better.
9. We will compare different ways of riding
   dead horses.
10.We will change the criteria that determine whether someone has died
   horse orNo.
11.We will purchase people from other companies to ride the mer-
   your horses.
12.We will harness several dead horses into one
   team to make them run faster.
13. We will announce: “A horse cannot be dead before
   to such an extent that it cannot exist."
14.We will collect additional funds for
   increasing the performance of dead horses.
15.We will find the cheapest consulting firm,
   which will determine whether the horse is actually dead
   le.
16.We will buy something that will make the dead lo-
   Shades run faster.
17.We will announce that our horse died better, faster
   rea and cheaper.
18.We will create a working group to study the possibility
   of further use of dead horses
   dey.
19.We will review performance requirements
   horses.
20.We will create a new and independent
   dependent cost center for mept-
   new horses.


What is the difference between a Russian politician and a Russian
Kim bandit? In principle, none, except that
The politician has a government car, but the bandit has his own.


Two New Russians walk down the street past St. Peter's Cathedral
ra and Paul:
- Look how the brothers got loose, maybe there’s something for us too...
  something to build?


Two psychiatrists meet and share news. One
says:
- Listen, I have an interesting patient - but -
vyy Russian. So, it seems to him that he is the 600th
Merc.
- Well, how did you get it?are you treating?
- Are you treating?!?! Yes, I've been on it every morning for the second week
I go to work.


One day the Rabbit (from Winnie the Pooh) was approached by cnpo-
strength:
- What do you think about Boris Nikolaevich Yeltsin?
“Boris Nikolaevich Yeltsin,” answered Rabbit, “gra-
a powerful strategist who optimally chooses development paths
tiya of Russia, who showed himself superbly in the selection
and placement of competent managers at the key
highest posts in the country and able to send them on time
resign.
But what the Rabbit actually thought, no one knows
I found out because he was very well-mannered...


A 7-year-old girl on a train.
D.: Mom, it hurts.
M.: What hurts, daughter?
D.: Well, how can I tell you.... the end of the back is the beginning
asses...
After that, the whole carriage used this aphorism according to
in relation to everything, starting from the situation in the country,
ending with the state of health of those in power. :-


The story is more than 10 years old.
Chemistry lesson at school. Laboratory work on organi-
chemical chemistry. I don’t remember what the point is, but the gist is
is that two test tubes are provided at the desk: with
also with glycerin.
On the back desk sit 2 frames, which are all this
Mia doesn't give a damn. Logically reasoning that not
Why translate a valuable product into all sorts of crap, they
got a snack, divided the test tubes like brothers and
disappeared under the desk. After some time from there
convulsive spitting was heard, which, naturally,
caught the teacher's attention(by the way, according to
He is also a school director at the same time).
- What is it?
- Alexander Romanych, is glycerin poisonous?
The class, led by the teacher, laughed for about five minutes. Orgvyvo-
there were no widows.


Boris, Kitikat! Boris Nikolaevich, wait, this is
not for you.


The old man on the old lock slowly turns
goes to the green arrow of the traffic light... In his side
hits the jeep, and a bunch of guys pour out...
Old man: Boys, I was on my way to the switch!!!
Brothers (spreading their fingers): Why, we were riding, sho
whether...


Two HPs are in intensive care.  We recovered a little...
One says:
- How did you get here?
- Yes, just for fun, I ordered myself a Porsche in the form of Za-
it's time... The engine is Porsche, all the glitches... I'm driving along
On the highway, I see - 600 km, under 200 km. I'm the pedal
poured gas in and made him look like he was standing... And then
I looked in the mirror, didn’t make the turn, and
that's it... I'm here... How are you?
- I’m driving a 600 Mercedes, the speedometer shows 200 km/h...
Suddenly, as if I was standing, I was constipated... I thought
and I’m really standing - I took it and left...


One new Russian asks another:
- Listen, bro, what kind of boys are Bach and Beethoven?
- What are you talking about, these are the ones for our mobile phones
  write music.


"You and I all love Russia. I hope none of
He won’t run away from us, from you, from Russia.”
Boris Yeltsin.


One day a new Russian comes to the Chukchi and asks:
- Listen, Chukchi, why are you and me in jokes?
  Are they considered idiots?
Chukchithought and thought and said:
- The point is, however, that antagonism on the surface
  commonality, you and I are nothing more than
  symbiotic attraction of subpolar emotions with
  side of the electorate, which annihilates individual
  dual self-inadequacy, acquiring self-confidence
  conceptually determined reality.
  Are you on topic, bro?


And restructure for us, Lord, our debts, as
and we...


Two students talking:
- Listen, let's get a pig.
- Are you dirty, stinky...
- Yes, I think he’ll get used to it.


Walking around St. Petersburg NR with a goat on a leash.
As soon as he went out into the street, a little guy immediately jumped up to him.
policeman:
- What is it, what’s the matter? You can't walk around town with a goat!
- Why suddenly? - the “new” one was surprised. - There are pigeons
  they fly around, shit everywhere, in kind, and everything is allowed to them -
  yes!
The policeman hesitated:
- Well, you see, a dove is a bird of peace...
- I’m responsible for the market - my little goat doesn’t want war either -
  damn!..


At the presentation of something there, the New Russian (NR) sees
at the next table of a school friend (P) and with ra-
with a worthy exclamation: “Petka! How old, how many
winter!" - throws herself on his neck. But (P) is already on the board
drunk. After much effort, HP finally pulls out
head (P) from the plate, slaps him on the cheeks, splashes
drinks mineral water. He has difficulty opening the door
new eyes.
(NR), delighted: “Petka, bro! I haven’t seen you for 15 years-
lis! Well, tell me what you do, howlife?"
(P), barely opening his lips: “Life... was a success!”
After which he again falls face-first into the salad.


(S)yn (H)new Russian went to first grade. Veche-
rum is back:
(H): - Well, how?
(C): - Well, the ceilings are low, the desks are wooden...
(H): - And they said “first class, first class.”


E-netchik came to the polls. He was given voting rights
newsletters. He turned them over in his hands for a long time, and then
walked back to the table.
- So I don’t understand: where should I click?


Three new Russians met. One says:
- Let's go to my house, I'll show you this.
We've arrived. There's a hundred-liter aquarium, people swim in it
boards, chips, rags:
- From the Titanic!
Let's go to the second one.
There is a three-hundred-liter aquarium, glasses floating, plates
ki, cups:
- From the Titanic!!
Third:
- Bullshit! Here I have...
We've arrived. There is a swimming pool covered with ice, and at the bottom there is
Ice cream DiCaprio floats.

According to observers, at the meeting with the prime minister
nistrom Putin Boris Yeltsin looked like a cucumber -
green and covered in pimples.

Translation agency specifically for new Russians: high-
co-professional time changeover from winter to winter
summer and back.

To test the intelligence of a new Russian at trial, he was given
or a riddle:
- There are two rings at the two ends, and a stud in the middle.
New Russian:
- The student's glasses were nailed to his forehead.
- No, these are scissors!
- They nailed it with scissors - cool, cool...

The son approaches the new Russian.
(C) - Dad, I’m taking Lenka to the discoinvited. Give me money.
(NR) - Don’t you know where the money is?
      Go and get it yourself.
(C) - Dad, how much can I take?
(NR) - Well, take two centimeters from the pack.


10 similarities between the President of the Russian Federation and Windows.
- They work, but are constantly buggy;
- no one knows what to expect from them;
- no one likes it, but they have to endure it;
- no one knows the meaning of their messages;
- have friends named Bill;
- expected change of versions in 2000;
- both have a "Start" button (one in the suitcase, one
  the second on the desktop). But Windows has a disadvantage
  controversial advantage: if you freeze, you can always
  press the Reset button.

"We will live badly, but not for long."
Viktor Chernomyrdin.

NEW is well forgotten old...
- LEFT is a well inverted right.
- DRAWING is a well-diluted bottled product.
- HOBOPYCCKOE is a well-rich criminal.
- RUSSIAN is well privatized
  Soviet.
- SOVIET - this is a well-known champagne.


"We are looking for who stole from Russia. And so far we have not found it."
Valentina Matvienko.


Today at 8.30 am Boris Yeltsin arrived in the Kremlin and
announced that he had fired the US President
Bill Clinton. As former President Clinton stated,
For him, this resignation is a complete surprise. Nika-
no preliminary conversations with Yeltsin on this
he didn't have a topic.

- What are the most ten years of the life of a new Russian?
  difficult?
- From first to fifth grade.

VAZplans to start producing Mercedes... And so
like most Russian citizens have money for a Mercedes
not enough, the decision was made to produce used
new...


Moscow. Boris Yeltsin received yesterday in the Kremlin.


On the street a passerby is asked:
- Could you change me two hundred dollars?
- Unfortunately, no, but thanks for the compliment.


- Falcon! Falcon! I'm Sokol-5. I'm low on fuel!
- Sokol-5, urgently tell us your coordinates!
- Hangar number 2, parking lot 4.


Two HPs were driving along a “dead” highway, not 600m. Something for-
there was a knock, a whistle... In general, the mobile phones were broken
don't work. They went out, kicked the wheel, rubbed
windshield, still won't start.  We decided to wait
hitchhikers. And then a man approaches them with a steering wheel from
"KAMAZ" in his hands, screaming at the top of his lungs: "pr-pr-prrrrr"
..." (trying to imitate the roar of an engine).
He stops next to them and asks:
- Well, guys, are you broken?
- Well.
- It won’t start?
- Well.
- Well, okay, get in, I’m on a KAMAZ today, I’ll give you a lift.
zu.
- Yes, you're a great guy, let's get the fuck out of here -
hurry up!
The man, offended, takes out a sawn-off shotgun from his bosom and
threat:
- I told you I’ll give you a ride! Sit down!!!
They see that there is nothing to do, they settled down nearby,
are running.
   In three sips, “pr-pr-prrrrr...”.
   They run for about five minutes.
Suddenly a man stops near the sign "Traffic Inspectorate"
and says:
- Yes, guys. I get slammed all the time at this post,
already fucked.  Let's get out of herecars,
go straight along the highway past the traffic police post for about 300 meters,
stop and wait for me. I'll go around them across the field,
they won’t notice me there, but you’ll sit down again at the post
come to me and calmly move on.
They are glad that they got off so easily, they pulled faster
to the post. They ran up and shouted at the cop:
- You goat, this kind of crap is going on on your highway:
a man is running around with a double-barreled shotgun and a KAMAZ steering wheel,
threatens... He forced us to run away with him, etc., etc..
   The cop looks at them with round eyes:
- Why, it can’t be!..
I ran into my closet and contacted someone via ra-
tions, conveyed something, received some kind of message in response
kaz... The new ones have already relaxed on the bench, catching their breath -
Lized up and lit a cigarette. And then a cop runs out with a MOTOR STEERING STEERING
TOYCYCLE "URAL" and asks:
- Show me more precisely where he went!
- Yes, over there, across the field.
The crazy HP again waved their hand towards the field.
- Let's sit down with me and show me!
The guys were completely speechless.
- You, eprst, go.
- He said sit down, show me!!! - threatening a pistol -
Tom, the cop yelled.
They see by the expression in the cop’s eyes that there is nothing to do.
go, "SIT DOWN." One in the "cradle", the other "BACK".  And
forward along the field “pr-pr-prrrr...”.
About two minutes later, scratched with blood by the reeds and
weeds, exhausted, the one who “sat behind”
servant of the law, says to the one sitting in the cradle:
- $#% I WILL BE, IT’S BETTER TO GO IN A KAMAZ!!!


Sculptor Tsereteli comes to Mayor Luzhkov:
- YuriMikhailovich, back off, dear, Tsar Bell.
- Why do you need it?
- Yes, I thought of one small thing, Troika Russian-
  It's called skaya, there's not enough bell for the arc.


Mr Berezovsky said he would leave Russia if
Mr. Primakov will become president. Rating of Mr. Pri-
makova rose from 35% to 85%.

Yeltsin arrives in Bonn. He is met at the gangway by
even guard with an orchestra. But B.H., no matter what
distracted, he busily approaches the flowerbed, puts it in
pocket a handful of earth, returns to the plane and departs
goes home. After this, the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs sends
Germany the following note: "We apologize for the incident
ongoing misunderstanding. Instead of a visit program to
the head of the country was mistakenly assigned a lunar
progress."

“The day before yesterday, so to speak, six thousand
people, two and a half thousand cows.  That's where it's from
here, without documents and without inspection."
Sergei Shoigu.

A cool authority takes guests, shows his new
vy house. We came to the art gallery. The owner boasts
available:
- But Rostropovich drew this picture.  And there
  That means the green one - Hvorostovsky painted.
  And this is what Spivakov tried, and also over there in the corner-
  lu - too.
One of the guests is confused:
- So they seem to be, like, musicians?
- Vovan, and when I tell a person “draw”, he draws
  vanities!


Milk the new Russian. Three floors, a swimming pool in gold,
four 600s, that's all. And a boy of about 11 years old is running -
son of the newRussian. The tax officer approaches him
Lyceum and asks:
- How do you live?
And the boy says:
- Poor thing!
Then he sniffs, smiles, and adds with freshness
Tom with eyes:
- But happy!


The New Russian was drawn to the exotic.
He went out into the forest to pick mushrooms. With non-
got lost. He walks and walks, then stands in the clearing
ke:
- Well, like “Aww...”


Folk sign: if you wake up with a hangover and
they just saw Mary in front of them, this means that
You haven't drunk your TV yet.


"I want to wish you health and especially good luck.
"On the Titanic, everyone was healthy, there was no luck."
Sergei Shoigu.


A little boy asks his dad:
- Uncle Vova works hard at the factory, he’s had money for a year already
they don’t pay, the family lives on bread and water. Uncle Sasha
teaches children at school, he hasn’t been paid money for six months now
So, the family lives on bread and water. Mom said that...
They also didn’t pay their wages for three months. And on our
table and balychok, and red caviar, and black caviar,
and cognac. Why is this so?
- Oh, son. I have a magic wand. Wave
  once - a hundred dollars will appear, wave a second one -
  another hundred. That's why we live so well.
The next morning the son pesters his father again:
- Dad, why are you deceiving me? I am your magic-
  I waved my wand all night, nothing appeared!
- Son, don’t you read fairy tales?  When you wave
  with a wand, you need to say magic words!
- A-ah-ah... I know: “Krible, krable,boom!"
- No, son, others: “Show your rights and technical-
  coupon!"


The Kremlin bet on Putin,
and Putin put it on the Kremlin.


Two brothers meet. One brags to the other
his new car...
- Think about it, I bought a car from the Japanese, it controls my thoughts -
  Xia...
- You're driving! How is this? :-[ ]
- Well, I kind of thought about going - I went, turned left -
  right - turned, thought to the right - turn right -
  zero...
- Yes, you are driving! So how?
- Uh... I can’t take the handbrake off.


At the summit in Istanbul, B.N. Yeltsin took an important step.
Then - the second one. Then - the third. And the world community
She was surprised to discover that he could still walk.

                     - - -