Text converted from PC, corrected, formated by Crazy/EI 1998
Text linked, add corrections by D-Man/EI 1998
Viewer "Super Text Viewer v1.3" by Red Ltd.
----------------------------------------------------------------
"Balagan" N 2
a selection of anecdotes and gags from HUMOR and COMMONPLACE
/for October 1992/
“I’m tired and resting, I invite you to the booth...”
/MV/
Contents: HUMOR.........line 12
COMMONPLACE .... page 788
((((( ; HUMOR ;)))))
---------------------------------------------------------------
The guy comes home and tells his parents: “That’s it, I’m getting married.”
- And what is her name?
- Seryozha.
- So this is a boy?!
- Wow boy - 25 years old.
---------------------------------------------------------------
>> The Chukchi and A. Schwarzenegger are playing subj... Host:
>> "What will you insure yourself against?"
>> Schwartz: “I was playing and broke the top.”
>> Chukchi: “I guessed the word, but couldn’t read it.”
AA> Wow! And two more new insurances were introduced:
AA> - played, but did not know a single letter.
AA> - played, but forgot to say hi.
- I took out insurance, but didn’t win the insurance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Concert, a young singer performs. Well, she sangsong,
bows and wants to leave.
The hall is noisy, they shout - “Come on again!!!”
Well, she sang again, took her leave again, the audience did not calm down -
"More!!!"
What to do, he sings for the third time... But the audience is still...
Well, she says - “Gentlemen, as much as possible, I’m already tired!”
A voice from the audience - “Until you learn!”
---------------------------------------------------------------
OF> There just now I remembered the old slogans:
OF>
OF> Brick factory.
OF> - Let's meet the new director with good quality bricks!!!
OF>
OF> Steel plant.
OF> - Our strength is in our swimming trunks!!!
OF>
OF> Lumberjacks.
OF> - We'll cut the oak tree ahead of schedule!!!
OF>
OF> Station.
OF> - Each passenger has a soft spot!!!
OF>
OF>
OF> Gentlemen, who else remembers?
Garment Factory:
- Let's raise our skirts above world standards!!!
By the way, there is another topic for memories:
Perpetuating the name of Lukic in industrial products :-)
Soap "Casually around Lenin's places"
Fountain "Stream of Ilyich"
Port wine "Lenin in Ozliv"
Perfume "Lenin Aroma"
Bed "Lenin with us"
---------------------------------------------------------------
A mother and her little son are traveling in a taxi. They're driving by
foreign tourist hotel, the son notices prostitutes at the entrance and
asks:
- Mom, what are these women doing on the street so late?
Mom answers:
- You understand, son, thispoor aunts who have nowhere
to spend the night, so they stand here and wait for someone
will take pity on them and invite them to his place for the night... It gets in here
taxi driver:
- Yes, what kind of “poor aunts” are these - these are the most natural B&&&&!
...
After some time, the boy asks again:
- Mom, do these aunts, that is, whores, have children?
The taxi driver is about to open his mouth, but mom quickly answers:
- Of course there are, otherwise where do taxi drivers come from?
---------------------------------------------------------------
> Georgian caught a crow, tied a grenade to it, a ring
> pulled it out and threw it up. The crow flew and flew, BAM!
> exploded. Georgian:
> - Oh! CHALLENGER!
A crow sits on a branch, smoking a joint.
An eagle flies by, snatches the joint from her and flies away.
The crow found another joint, filled it with gunpowder and sat down again.
Pretends to light a cigarette...
Then the eagle flies again - grabs the joint and flies away...
Crow: - Fly, fly, Challenger.....
---------------------------------------------------------------
Petka with V.I. worked as paramedics...
They brought a cow - it moos often!
- Petka, stand behind me, look into the hole, I’ll look into your mouth...
- Well, how do you see me?
- No!
- I love you too! Write: intestinal volvulus...
---------------------------------------------------------------
One came to the pharmacy and said:
- Do you have suppositories for hemorrhoids in the pharmacy?
- YesOf course there is!
- And the candlesticks for them?
---------------------------------------------------------------
A man comes to the pharmacy and asks:
- Do you have bananas?
- Yes, we don’t have any bananas.
and the next day he comes again and asks:
- what about bananas?
- Yes, we don’t have any bananas, they answer him.
So he left with nothing. And in the pharmacy they decided to hang a sign:
"There are no bananas and there never will be"
and the next day a couple comes, husband and wife:
- You are banned...... (They see the inscription)
- they’ve run out here too, but apparently they were there not long ago.....
---------------------------------------------------------------
Winnie and Piglet are sailing in a boat. Piglet is rowing and Vinnie
dozing. Piglet is already exhausted, and Vinny is still dozing.
Then Piglet took the oar and hit Pooh in the ear.
- A-ah-ah!! Ooo!!! ,
- What, Vinnie? Can't sleep? Well then, bury...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Three people are talking: an Englishwoman, a Frenchwoman, an American.
Topic: about husbands.
FR: ...whether I change much. Mmm... 365 - 366 times a year, depends
from year.
An: Well, we can’t do that, I’m like 100 times.
Am: (quietly) But I’m not cheating at all...
An&Fr: ??? !!! 8-O 8-()
Am: (sad) I'll explain. We got married. He took me from church
on a cart to his farm. The horse stumbled. "One" - said
husband At the stream, the horse stumbled again: “Two,” said the husband.When they drove into the yard, the poor thing tripped for the third time.
“Three,” said the husband, took out his hard drive and shot
horse. “Dear, but why did you kill her?” - I asked.
“One,” said the husband...
---------------------------------------------------------------
TEN DEMOCRATS decided to do something;
One went to Foros and there were nine of them left.
NINE DEMOCRATS moved into the White House, -
One began to lead everything, and bbocbmepom remained.
EIGHT DEMOCRATS dispelled the darkness.
One scattered in Georgia, and now there were seven of them.
SEVEN DEMOCRATS decided to devour:
One devoured Izvestia and there were six of them left.
SIX DEMOCRATS "decided" to give the land.
One went to look for her and there were five of them left.
FIVE DEMOCRATS were at peace with everyone
One stayed with Anpilov and there were four of them.
FOUR DEMOCRATS counted until dawn, -
One counted subsidies and there were three left.
THREE DEMOCRATS sawed up the islands.
One sawed Moldova. And now there are two of them.
TWO DEMOCRATS shared a store;
One dipped into the hole. There's only one left.
ONE DEMOCRAT judged the CPSS, -
and Pugo rose from the coffin, and the democrat disappeared.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A woman (from a potato field) comes to the hospital and cannot
neither bend nor straighten. I don’t know what she said, but
The diagnosis sounded like this:
Pinching of the sciatic nerve due to sexual intercourse
in the knee-elbow position.
That's it...---------------------------------------------------------------
SK> Three khanigs come to the perfume shop and the saleswoman:
SK> - Three triple colognes and one carnation.
SK> Saleswoman:
SK> - Why use a clove, a triple one will be stronger.
SK> - Yes, a woman is with us.
And recently Yu. Nikulin said this:
I dropped a bruise into the store and to the saleswoman:
- Do you have cologne?
- Which ?
- So - Huuu!
- This one just ended!
- Which one is it?
- So - Huuuu!
- No ! Expensive !
---------------------------------------------------------------
▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒
▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ N5. September 1992 ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒█
▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ╔═══════════════════╗ ▒▒▒▒▒▒█
▒▒▒▒▒ ╔══════════════════════╝ ▄▄▄▄▄ ▄▄▄▄▄▄▄ ║ ▒▒▒▒▒▒█
▒▒▒▒▒ ║ ▀▀█▀▀ █▀▀█ █▀▀█ ██▀▀▀██ ██▀▀▀██ ║ ▒▒▒▒▒▒█
▒▒▒▒▒ ║ █ █▄▄█ █▀▀▀ ▀▀ ██ ██ ██ ║ ▒▒▒▒▒▒█
▒▒▒▒▒ ║ ██ ██ ██ ║ ▒▒▒▒▒▒█
▒▒▒▒▒ ║ *** ORIGIN *** █████ ██ ██ ║ ▒▒▒▒▒▒█
▒▒▒▒▒ ║ ██ ██ ██ ║ ▒▒▒▒▒▒█
▒▒▒▒▒ ║ t! Hit! Hit! Hit! Hi ███████ ███████ ║ ▒▒▒▒▒▒█
▒▒▒▒▒ ║ it! Hit! Hit! Hit! H ║ ▒▒▒▒▒▒█
▒▒▒▒▒ ║ Hit! Hit! Hit! Hit! Hit! Hit! Hit! Hit! ║ ▒▒▒▒▒▒█
▒▒▒▒▒ ╚═════════════════════ ═════════════════════╝ ▒▒▒▒▒▒█
▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒█▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀
1 (1). FidoNet, InterNet... Deneg net... (2:5020/21.13)
2 (4). Democracy is bureaucracy, DEMO only (2:467/10.14)
3 (2). Fight and search, find and... hide!
(2:5020/49.15)
4 (5). “It’s getting cold,” thought the Wolf, pulling his red cap over
very ears (2:5020/60)
5 (3). If bears were bees... (2:5030/2)
6 (-). Deceive your neighbor yourself, for, having deceived you, he will rejoice!
(2:5040/11.4)
7 (7). The further you go into the forest, the... you come back (2:5000/17)
8 (-). Rookery of fur seals / Kotische of carcasses (2:5020/22.6)
9 (9). Without a pond you can't take the fish out of it... (2:5080/5)
10 (10). Two ends, two rings,... two more ends... (2:5020/26)
11 (6). Hands off, away from... and leave me alone... (2:5020/21.2)
12 (8). Wait for an answer....wait for an answer╒8.z√√ёЄд√√√√<√√№┌╟┘┐┼ NO
CARRIE (2:464/5)
13 (-). * Origin: , more * Origin: , more * Origin:...(2:5020/26)
14 (13). If you don't know how to sing, don't drink! (2:5020/41.3)
15 (14). You shouldn’t have touched Sishka (2:5020/41.2)
16 (-). Have you proven yourself? Pin it! (2:5020/63)
17 (16). What, interesting? Now get out of here! (2:466/200)
18 (18). CPU not found. Press any key to continue. (2:469/1.1)
19 (-). Your opinion is correct, but controversial (2:5000/10.4)
20 (12). The further into the forest, the thicker the partisans... (2:5020/63)
-- * --
Note: n.4 is message "Made inCOMMONPLACE"...
Good Luck! :)mitriy
I'll be Waiting For Your New Origin Art! Welcome to the Top20!
P.S. In brackets is the place occupied in the previous *Top20*
P.P.S. Many may be surprised to see that this is already
5th edition *Top20*. Yes, all previous issues were published,
but due to a number of disasters they died quietly, never reaching
most readers. I hope this one gets through... Except
Moreover, due to a change of place of work, your humble servant
ga will be heading Down soon :-( (hopefully not for long...).
But 'Top20' will not die! And it will be handed over to good hands.
Life goes on...
---------------------------------------------------------------
The boys ran into the house and quickly called their father:
- Daddy, daddy, someone is pulling our mother at the porch!
- What are you, what are you, you devils, who will eat an old woman...
But actually, well, I need to go out and look at #$#!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys climb out of a taxi - you need to call, well, in short, two
They go to call and they put a third one - they leave, he falls, again -
falls again, tried again - fell again, well, here they are
they turn to the driver, saying how bad it is to drink - even to stand
can’t... well the driver replies, yes guys, it’s very bad - you,
they say you’re betting your comrade on his head for the third time....---------------------------------------------------------------
- I will never marry such a cheapskate like you!!!
Here, take your ring!!!
-Where is the box?..
---------------------------------------------------------------
One guy went to Tbilisi, and suddenly wandered into something
cemetery He walks around and reads the signs. On one there is an inscription: "born in
1917, died in 1980, lived 15 years"; on the other - "born in 1939,
died in 1990, lived 10 years." Well, the man asks the person sitting
the graves of an old man, how does this happen...
- Uh-uh, dear! In Georgia, a person lives when he has
wife, mistress, dacha, car and money.
A man comes home and tells his wife. Well, his wife and
says:
- On my monument you will write “Born dead”...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Here recently a Frenchman came to our institute... I don’t know
why and why, but when he finished his business, he asked
accompanying person to take him shopping (look for his wife
a large Russian scarf with fringe)... He didn’t buy the scarf, well
that's not the point... In the store, a saleswoman stood behind the counter and
masterfully counted on abacus (you know - so big
wooden). Our Frenchman was dumbfounded - after about two minutes he
came to his senses and asked what it was. And the attendant joked,
they say it's "new Russian computer". What happened here! Frenchmancame to
complete ecstasy - he rushed to the saleswoman and began to snatch from her
holding an abacus, thrusting dollars and laughing hysterically, shouting:
"spasibo! suvenir! rashen mashin!" The poor woman grabbed onto
abacus and heart-rendingly screamed something inarticulate... Okay,
that the guys got their bearings in time: somewhere with the manager
got hold of another abacus, which they presented to the guest... But all
That's not the humor! I go to that department - where the Frenchman came
(they have all sorts of computers there) and lies on the floor
a big box with new bills.... It turns out he's French
wanted to make all his friends happy, and maybe do it in
France "small business" and ordered a consignment invoice - for
currency.... ;)))
People - let's overwhelm Europe with bills!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------
The Serpent Gorynych flies over xytopom and screams:
- Democracy!
- Privatization! - the second head screams;
- Glasnost! - picks up the third.
And the granny from the farm says:
- I’ve eaten too much of the Democrats again, my dear....
---------------------------------------------------------------
On the wall of the missile base: Our goal is communism.
In general, this used to hang at the Artillery School...
They probably stole it from the anti-aircraft school in Yaroslavl too.
and here’s a slogan on a mental hospital: “Lenin is with us - Lenin
among us"---------------------------------------------------------------
A boy comes to school in the morning all blue from beatings, he and
They ask, what's wrong with you?
- Well, I come home, my father and 2 men are sitting with cards,
I asked what time was it? Father said 9 one man said
pass, another whist...
---------------------------------------------------------------
There is an old joke about how a KGB officer and
CIA officer.
Well, we drank. General methods and more. Ours asks:
- Well, admit it! Chernobyl is your work?!
- No.
- OK.
Well, we had another drink. Common tasks, common problems.
- Well, tell me! Chernobyl is your work!?
- Not really! It’s yours who didn’t look at something there.
- OK.
Well, we still drank. we talked about life.
- Well, tell me honestly! Chernobyl is your work?!
-You know! I'll tell you what! Chernobyl is you
Something was overlooked, but AGROPROM is our job! :;-)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Winter... Blizzard... 1917... The revolution has just died down...
they light fires to warm themselves up.. He sits by one such fire
cellist from the orchestra and playing something on this
the cello, training his voice, sings:
- Whore, Whore, Whore...
- Man!! (a passerby tells him) How can you think about that?
when is the revolution in the yard??!!
- Yes, you don’t understand! Here.. Whore comrade - Warstarted....
---------------------------------------------------------------
It's night in Odessa. On Moldavanka, a gang of robbers climbed into
big apartment. Every now and then a muffled whisper is heard:
- Zhora! The crystal was tied into knots. Where to take it?..
- Zhora! The silver was stacked by the window!
- Zhora! We found wine! Let's have a drink!
Zhora orders to untie the crystal. Spilled, drank...
- Zhora! One more?..
We drank.
- Zhora! Well, what about the road?
- OK! Let's go down the road and sing quietly!..
---------------------------------------------------------------
A joke with similar meaning:
The man invited his friend home. That one - “What are you saying, you have a wife,
Mother-in-law, it will be itching, they will drive you the hell away..." "Nothing, let's go."
They come, wife, “Oh, dear, you’re with the guest, and right now I’ll have some vodka
I’ll get it..." Mother-in-law "I’ll bake some pancakes right now..." Tomorrow is the second one
asks, “How did you manage to do that?” Yes, grit, I was at
us cat. I put a warning on the carpet for him. I've done more
giving him a stern warning. For the third time, a stone on the neck,
and into the pond. "So what?" A is that the wife has a warning, and
mother-in-law is strict!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Madame is walking around the zoo. Approaches the enclosure with the elephant.
She looked at him and asked the Georgian standing next to him:
- Tell me, is this a man?
- This? This is a male.
- if male means male.
- Wah! I'm telling you it's a male.
- y means still a man._What a stupid woman! A man is the one who has money, and this is a male.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Two punks are sitting, one on a tpehbkaet guitar, and they sing along:
- Damnnnn! Damnnnn!
Hour plays:
- Damnnnn! Damnnnn!
Two plays:
- Damnnnn! Damnnnn!
The second one suddenly:
-Write down the words, it touched my soul!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------
A virus is a terrible thing, a virus is just a nightmare:
You're never sure
That the car is clean, that worries are bullshit,
Even if the hard drive is checked.
You dragged the program, turned it on - all the way,
Everything is fine - dogs don't bark.
The virus, the bastard, sneaked into the car,
The Union Anthem is played out of tune.
Here it is November, and the sixth day -
and the hard drive shut up forever.
VGA monitor - so that it gets blown apart! -
Sings a sweeping song...
Eh, I wish I could catch the people who are spreading the infection,
Treat their screws with DISKMANom.
Line up the would-be hackers in an even row
For the edification of others bupycmaham...
---------------------------------------------------------------
PASSION FOR BBS.
Barmin sits with his mouth open,
The fist clenches sinewily.
The modem whistles, beeps, and then
Connected 2400.
The channel is crap, the channel is on Low,
Error beats error.
But the nightlong after all
The package was uploaded unsteadily.
Barmin woke up to a beep,
I tore my eyelids awake.
Let's read, what does he need?
Do people write there?
Well, this is rubbish and this is rubbish,
And this is completely disgusting.
And this - look, no, no, look! -
He was filled with joy.
Well, Mishka is a devil, well, a scoundrel!
I wrote the rhyme again.
Enough, enough, that's it, p@#$%ts
It's time for you, my friend!
It's time to stop hitting you,
Force Hold to give you,
Read-only mode, Crash and Send,
And leave all communication behind!
You can call, you can yell -
Black Castle is deaf to requests!
Mishka woke up... “Fuck!
I'll have a dream... Lucky!.."
--------------------
-------------------------------------------------
The fox had sex with the bear and asks:
“Bear, do you have a certificate that you don’t have AIDS?”
“Yes,” says the bear.
“Well, you can throw it away.”
---------------------------------------------------------------
-Petro, do you think that’s what Mosakli call pyvo?
- Well, yak?
-Beer!
-Yak???
-Beer.
-I would kill...
---------------------------------------------------------------
On the wall of the missile base: Our goal is communism.
Fyodor Ustinov
Long live the Soviet people - the Eternal Builder of Communism!
Slava Inshakov
On the automatic telephone exchange: - For communication without marriage!
Sergey IovovThe slogan in the turning shop: - Finished - wipe the machine!
Sergey Iovov
“We’ll meet the buyer with a full weight weight!”
Boris Paleev
Chess players.
- We will answer every check with a swear word!!!
Konstantin Rudenko
Metallurgists. (or pipe makers :-)
- Pipeline for the country!!!
Konstantin Rudenko
Prisoners.
- Let's serve early!!!
Konstantin Rudenko
Programming!
- Not sure, not GOTO!
- The first pancake is always COMMON!
- Our VLSIs are the largest in the world!
Konstantin Rudenko
Artillery slogan:
"Our goal is communism!"
Andy Kuchaev
Signalmen's motto:
"For a relationship without marriage!"
Andy Kuchaev
Long live Soviet girls - the most perishable ones
girls in the world!
Stanislav Asanov
Garment Factory:
- Let's raise our skirts above world standards!!!
Alexander Demianuk
Long live the Soviet watch - the fastest watch in the world!
Long live Soviet microcircuits with 16 legs and two
carrying handles
Igor Buchanov
---------------------------------------------------------------
And here's another meeting: a KGB officer meets in a bar and
CIA officer. We sat, drank, and talked about life. Well, ours and
says:
- It’s great that we pinned you and Cuba!
- But we had a blast in Chile!
- So it was in September!
- So what?!
- We were all on potatoes!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sysop at the game "Field of Miracles". The drum spins.
Presenter [joyfully]:
- Congratulations!!! Sector "PLUS"!!!
Sysop:
-Third!.. [falls dead]
---------------------------------------------------------------
Vovochka is sitting in class, bored...
There is a knock on the door. The school principal comes in and starts
a pretty girl and says: - Here’s a new student, her name is
Hactehbka, she will study with you.
They put the girl with Vovochka. Vovochka, who has gone crazy, tells her: -
Come to my house today, my parents have gone to the dacha.
Having come home and done the cleaning, Vovochka solves the problem, as he
drag Hactehbky into bed. Decides to put a bottle of wine,
good music, cigarettes, etc. And then the thought: “She’s
excellent student!"...
Call!
Vovochka opens the door and sees Hactehbky in a school uniform.
Vovochka with surprise: - Why are you in uniform?
Hactehbka: - So tomorrow we go to school!
---------------------------------------------------------------
AP> I saw the picture:
AP> Cannon.
AP> Legs sticking out of the trunk.
AP> On the cannon there is an inscription “charged with a psychic”.
In some newspaper on the front page: A man sits near a cannon
directed towards Red Square, in front of him is an open box with
shells, on the box there is an inscription:
“Here it’s 20p. Take 25 with you.”
---------------------------------------------------------------
> - Ear! Ear! Don't touch...
> -It's too late, Holy Father, they validated it. :)
* * *
- No, noI'm a girl!.. Pop I, pop...
- It's too late, father...
* * *
In the church:
- Father, what should I do? - raped, monsters...
- Remove six lemons and eat without sugar, my daughter.
- So, will I become a girl again?
- No, you won’t become a girl, but the bliss will disappear from your face.
* * *
Vovochka comes running home:
- Mom, and mom! And brother Sashka threw a bomb at the Tsar...
---------------------------------------------------------------
- Doctor, my body itches.
-Have you tried to wash yourself?
- I tried it. Nothing for a week, and then it itches again.
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Associated stress"
Moscow. The decisions of the congress, with which B. Yeltsin was satisfied,
appeared on the shelves of sex shops in the capital.
Anton na Riva. The AIDS virus is listed in the Red Book. Book
disinfected.
Grozny. Here, due to a false denunciation, the battery was planted.
Hong Kong. A Chinese nuclear power plant sank off the coast of China.
twenty-oar submarine.
Ukraine. The sale of entry visas for foreigners began here.
Anyone who purchases such a visa can enter any resident of this
independent republic.
Johannesburg. After his divorce from Nelson, Winnie Mandela took
My maiden name is Pooh.
Simferopol. Here the decision was made to secede Crimea.
Blasting work has already begun.
Jerusalem. Israel has seen a drop in national income by
per capita.The victim died on the spot. and the body
nothing hit the population.
Pyongyang. Kim Il Sung admitted to his attending physician that
in recent years it has produced 2 kilograms of plutonium.
Israel. As a result of oil drilling in the Dead Sea
turned into cadaverous spots.
Al Ma Ata? A finger was detected on the nuclear button. Wanted
the rest.
Moscow. Three Palestinian student terrorists detained here
(correspondence department). and during the interrogation all three showed up. Consequence
excited.
===============================================================================
Returning to what was printed.
In the last issue, the letter “P” was omitted from the word “absorption”.
We publish:
RRRRRRR
RR RR
RRRRRRR
RR
RR
Amendment.
By the year 2000, each Soviet family will have a separate
apartment or house, but not by 12.00, as previously reported, but by
18.30. The government apologizes.
(A. Goldburt, Moscow)
Yes, yes.
Reader Sh. complains that he did not find the previous issue on page 3
the letter Ш, promised in the announcement. We apologize to the reader:
the indicated letter is published not on the 2nd page, but on the 3rd, in
the word "yeshiva". Anticipating possible questions from readers, we publish
also a map of Nepal. (follows map of Nepal)
===============================================================================Announcements.
I commit lawlessness.
The magazine "POSEV" is on sale - 9 shekels. including vehicle.
My brother needs a keeper. Cain.
I cure all diseases. Fast and low.
===============================================================================
Don't you know literature?
Substitute what you need:
1. Did... - walk boldly.
a) business
b) stupidity
c) in my pants
2. Everyone... is submissive to love.
a) abominations
b) ages
c) organs
3. I was given to someone else
And I will live forever...
a) is correct
b) a burden
c) shorten
4. In the midst of a noisy ball...
a) by chance
b) not by chance
c) on the instructions of the party
5. In four years
There will be...
a) city
b) garden
c) the same
===============================================================================
In the den of passion.
(End. Beginning in the numbers)
...The house was empty. She walked carefully through the rooms,
looked into the kitchen. no one. A sudden thirst for revenge seized
unhappy girl. In a blind impulse she rushed to the table and
pulled off the tablecloth. The crystal rang. It made her even more intoxicated
more. She broke and destroyed everything that came under
hand. To break, to take revenge, - constantly pounded in my brain - to avenge
everything that these animals did to her. Suddenly she felt
sudden loss of strength. Like then, after the fourth orgasm. C
With difficulty she managed to get to the bedroom. She pulled off her dress
left only in stockings andtransparent combination, collapsed on
bed and fell into a heavy sleep.
Suddenly, through oblivion, the creaking of the front door was heard, and through
For a second there was an angry roar. "Back!" - flashed like lightning
in her head. There was no time to get dressed. She jumped up, briefly
seeing his reflection in the mirror: a divine body with heavy
full breasts with protruding nipples, soft rounded butt,
white against a dark body, slender velvety belly,
high pubis. What will they do with her when they break in? Straight
here on this terrible bed. It seemed to her that they were terrible
hairy paws cover her thighs and dig into her buttocks. She
shudder with fear and... desire. There's a door to the room
cracked under the hail of blows raining down on her and collapsed.
But Masha jumped out the window, and the bears did not catch up with her.
---------------------------------------------------------------
- Why are you dressed so warmly? Are you going to fight in Africa?!
- Comrade soldier, are you sleeping? Now I will put you and you will
sit!
- We live here in a collective, not on Mars!
- And whoever doesn’t get it, I will deal with it personally!
- They started a barchanalia here!
---------------------------------------------------------------
The son comes to his father and asks:
- Tattoo! And what kind of people are they like - karbovanets toil - prop'yut,
ten minutes - prop'yut?
- That, sinku, Muscovites! You gave them a viewhold on, because by cbity
you will go
- Dad! And what other people are taki - they have ten karbovanets
will do, they have ten - will they do a hundred?
- Come on, son! They are very intelligent people, but you gave them away
hold on, because cbity will be released.
- Dad! But there are still such people, who for a rouble, I am a relative
matip will be sold!
- Yay, son!!! But what kind of raphi nichi are we drinking!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------
- Hello! Is the green congress taking place here?
- What you don't see - here is a meeting of the blue ones.
- Sorry, I'm colorblind.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The letter from the center did not reach Shtirlits. He reread it again
once, but it still didn't make it.
------------- -------------------------------------------------
Stirlitz told a vulgar joke and drove Müller into the paint.
- Look, how sensitive - Shtyrlitz thought and closed the door
a barrel
--------------------------------------------------------------
- Husband, today it's your turn to bathe the baby, and I'll go to bed,
after some time, the wife wakes up from a terrible baby
screams, runs to the bathroom and sees: The husband is holding the child by the ear
with pliers and rinse in the bathroom. The wife shouts:
- You are a monster!
- You yourself are a monster! Poured boiling water into the bath - it is impossible to hand
will drop
--------------------------------------------------------------
Advertising:
......................
Our cooperativewill distribute any banana to you at lower prices
market!
......................
---------------------------------------------------------------
The lecture is given by a KGB major
"...The unit of measurement of intelligence is 1 tzion...
and a thousandth is 1 policeman..."
---------------------------------------------------------------
+++++++++++++++ WARNING!!! +++++++++++++++++++
======== This is COMMONPLACE!!! =========
---------------------------------------------------------------
A general arrives with an inspection to the desert, to a secret military unit.
He walked around, looked, went into the barracks, to the soldiers:
- What do you mean, guys, without women? Hard ?
- No, Comrade General, we have a camel...
- Show me that camel!
They took me and showed me. After some time it returns:
- Nice camel!
- Yes, Comrade General, the camel is not bad, but we are on it
we're going to town...
---------------------------------------------------------------
VL> Literature lesson at school. Mary Ivanna:
^^^^^^^^^^
drawing
- Children! Today we will draw different vegetables... (draws
cucumber)
... what is this?
Children:
- Dick! dick!
The teacher runs away in tears to complain to the director. They say children don't
they obey, behave hooliganly, swear. Director (so formidable
uncle) goes to investigate.
Enters the classroom and addresses the children:
- Well, aren’t you ashamed!The teacher is trying her best
gives it away, and you are a hooligan, swearing... (looks at
board) ... here's a dick drawn on the board ...
---------------------------------------------------------------
A boy and a girl brag to each other in front of Doug: (read further from
gambling intonation)
HIM: - I have a car!
<-------------------|
SHE: - And I have a doll! |
HE: - And I have a soldier! |
SHE: - And I have jumping skills! |
The boy thought: “What else could this be like?”
show me?" And then he pacterubaet |
fly, pulls out penis, |
and says: |
- And this is what I have!!! |
Well, in general, the girl is dissatisfied |
(not because _THIS_ is not nohpa- |
curled up, but because the boy was her |
intercepted [approx. editors] :-) |
goes home. The next day story |
repeats itself (you can read the text from here --|
and until the moment about the unbuttoned fly), what does the girl
answers: “And my mother told me yesterday that when I
When I grow up, I will have a HUNDRED of these!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------
A drunken entertainer comes on stage and says: Now before
you will be the Zionist Pidorov... i.e. pianist Sidorov. He
performs without an ensemble... semblance... alonefuck... LIKE AN ASSHOLE
FUCK!!!! After some time, Cancer appears on stage again
uterus. Mold in the crotch... ugh... Mark Fradkin. Song about
tenderness. He gave in again and goes on stage again: Eblovoe
Slutty.... not... Slutty Fucking... not... ah-ah-ah!!!
Ice Battle!!!
А теперь прозвучит песня "ОХУЕЛИ, ОХ У ЕЛИ, ах у елочки".
---------------------------------------------------------------
Vovochka: Mom, I’m alone at school today at recess.
a girl ran into our toilet.
Mom: Well, I think - did you send her away?
Vovochka: Yeah, twice!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Natasha and Rzhevsky on a boat. Lieutenant:
- Natasha! Didn't you get a wet paddle?
- What-o-o???
- This is just me to keep the conversation going.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Veteran at a meeting with schoolchildren:
-...... I'll look to the right - fuck your mother,
1. A pensioner is walking down the street and a pioneer meets him. Pensioner
sneezes.
Pioneer: Be healthy!
Pensioner: By the way, I’m not sick - I sniff tobacco!
Pioneer: Yes, grandfather, at least &^%^ sniff - we are in the school of politeness
teach!
2. A pioneer and a pensioner are sitting on a bench:
Pensioner: AAAAPCHHIIII!
Pioneer: Be healthy!
Pensioner: Thank you.
Pioneer: Please.
Pensioner: Don't be smart!
Pioneer: Fuck you &^%^&$, ye^$%^%$more!---------------------------------------------------------------
At the ball. Everyone is dancing, but the lieutenant is not dancing.
Natasha R. approaches him.
- Lieutenant...
- Yes, yes, sir?
- Why don’t you dance?
- And we’ll show ourselves in fucking, sir!
A young poet-composer comes to the Philharmonic.
- You know, I wrote a song.
- Very good, but what is it called?
- ...(embarrassed silence)... "Oh, fuck your mother"
- Very good. Just throw out the “Eh” - it smacks of gypsyism.
A client comes to a brothel.
- What do you want?
- Yes, here’s a woman. Only, you know... I'm a pervert.
- This is wonderful - please come to room 13.
He enters the room and sees a woman lying motionless on the bed. He
walked up to her and after a short thought, shit on her
belly ole of emotions. I thought and shit on her chest. Zero again
emotions. “Okay,” he thought and tried to shit on her
I'll give birth. I pushed and pushed, but it didn’t work. Baba lay and lay, and
then (kissing his anus) she asked: - You don’t want me anymore
do you love me, darling?
An actor fell ill in the theater, and there is no replacement for him (this is from a series about
Count Volobuev).
Well, the fireman's name is Vasya.
- Here, Vasya, you have a bubble, you will play a role. damn you on a rope
rush over the stage three times and shout: “I am a Demon.”
Well, Vasya has exhausted his bubble. It was his exit, but suddenly everything Vasya
I forgot. He grabbed the rope, flew and screamed
- I am a miller, a miller!
He gets a prompter from the booth:
-What a fucking miller you are, you are a demon!
- What a fucking miller I am - I’m a demon, a demon!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Fat ass covered half the world
The floor of the universe
Half the sky
Half a day!!!
I love you maiden - Elvira,
So fuck, fuck ME!!!!!
Our life is a complete mess
GANDONS have disappeared from sale.
They told us - WE didn’t live like that!!!!
And now everything is according to coupons...
In the boudoir of his mistress, Lieutenant Rzhevsky unbuttoned his jacket and
took off his boots. The lady shuddered:
- Hey, lieutenant, do you ever change your socks?
- Very rarely and only for vodka!
Lieutenant Rzhevsky was transferred to serve in St. Petersburg. Arriving in
capital, he began asking local officers how they
meet local ladies-in-waiting.
- This is a delicate matter - they require a special approach. First about
talk about the weather, about music, and then invite
somewhere you can...
The lieutenant immediately twirled his mustache and rushed to search. In Tavrichesky
in the garden he noticed a young lady walking a lap dog. He
He jumped up and touched the dog with the toe of his boot.
- Look, the lap dogs are flying low, it looks like it’s going to rain, in my unit
There’s a drum, let’s go have sex.
---------------------------------------------------------------
And here's another one - for the ladies who read the echo. Anecdote with a winged
phrase.
A pirate ship captured a peacefully grazingvessel.
Passengers were placed along the side. Captain (sick with a hangover,
as crowning disgust):
- Women are overboard, men are fucked.
- How can that be, men don’t fuck! - the women were indignant.
“F@#t-e#$t, just like f@#t,” the men answered in unison.
---------------------------------------------------------------
>And I, my dear
>I'll dig myself out of the grave
> love, wash
> and I'll bury it again.
Sweetie lies in a coffin
I settled in - fuck.
Like it, don't like it
sleep, my beauty.
She waved like she was alive
Thank you so much dear.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Odessa, morning, a large lady in a night robe is shouting across the street
to the neighbor opposite:
- Listen, Brokha, are you sick?
- And who wished this for mine?
- So I myself saw how the doctor left you last night!
- Listen, Rebekah, when she leaves you at six o’clock in the morning
Colonel, I’m not shouting to the whole Moldavanka, because the war has started
---------------------------------------------------------------
Literature lesson at school. Mary Ivanna:
- Children, today we will try to write poetry. For starters, here's
Here’s a phrase for you: “If I had a horse...”. You owe her
finish. Vova immediately reaches out. Mary Ivanna, knowing
Vovochka’s “abilities” does not pay attention to him.
Petya raises his hand. Mary Ivanna:
- Speak, Petya.Petya:
- If I had a horse-
- I could ride it for two days.
Mary Ivanna:
- Well done, Petya. Who else came up with it?
Sasha raises his hand. Mary Ivanna:
- Speak, Sasha.
Sasha:
- If I had a horse-
- I could ride it for three days.
Mary Ivanna:
- Well, Sasha, not bad either. Who else, children, composed it? B
The class is silent, only Vovochka still holds out her hand. Mary Ivanna
nowhere to go:
- Tell us, Vova.
Vovochka:
- If I had a horse-
- That would be a number.
- If the horse had me -
- I probably would have died.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A woman sits down next to the taxi driver and immediately puts her feet on the dashboard
board. He tells her: Take off your legs.
She told him: These feet kiss, fool!
He told her: So what? They suck my dick, so I don’t put it on the hood
I'm posting it!
---------------------------------------------------------------
- I know, my friend, these women! Vile! I kissed one just now
lips, and she moved her legs and broke my pince-nez...
---------------------------------------------------------------
AK> Vasya went out onto the porch,
AK> Scratch your egg.
AK> I put my hand in - there is no egg,
AK> So I fucked myself off the porch.
Stuck my hand under the porch
And found _my_ egg
Not one, but five!
So I fucked myself again.
P.S. But the Dektoman remembered...
Ilya Muromets is driving through a field strewn with corpses. I went into the forest.
Trees are downed -uprooted. Serpent Gorynych up
lying on its back. Two heads are missing, and the third is tied in a knot.
The hut on chicken legs is burning out. Baba Yaga tied up nearby
lies. Ilya unties his grandmother and asks:
- What enemies have passed through here, grandma?
- Oh, Ilyusha, how kind you are when you’re sober...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Dark basement, reflections of the flame, bloody man on
chains. Evil faces of executioners. Executioners:
- Well, bitch! What do you say now?
- And now I’ll say: Sputnik bicycles are the best in the world!
---------------------------------------------------------------
People from the physics department of Moscow State University, respond!
There is a rumor that at the physics department, I don’t know how it is now, but about five years
ago, a certain teacher named Mudrak allegedly worked...
So, he had a cool nickname - “Hruy”...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are sitting in a tavern. One asks the other: “How much
time?" The second one answers: “Six o’clock.” He hits himself on the forehead
and exclaims in his heart: “Six o’clock? But my wife isn’t at home.”
fuck!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Suddenly out of nowhere appeared in the mouth to fuck
and behind him, from around the corner, a dick appeared in his mouth
and then from the gateway a fucking thing appeared in my mouth
---------------------------------------------------------------THE ADVENTURES OF BURATINO
as it is
(most accurate translation)
Over vast Italy
The sun shines with an impudent face.
And under the stairs, in the closet
Papa Carlo cuts logs.
(He wants to make pinocchio,
that, I tell you, it’s not easier,
why smile with pussy)
Made ears out of cardboard
Nose made of sliver chips,
Adapted to suit
two wormy acorns,
And then, yawning from boredom,
He sharpens his hands under the dick.
Pinocchio turned out
Crazy, but cute
He smiled like crazy
Which is very important.
Papa Carlo wiped his hands
Right on his shirt
And he said, “I’m your dad,”
Now let's go to school,
Because it’s like here in the closet
There is nothing to eat, in life."
(I even gave the smart one a book,
"Pathologies of the Brainless"
What did he find in the trash heap?
Rummaging in search of logs)
Pinocchio was no mistake,
He sold the book to a blind man,
What stood before the door of the temple,
(I received a chervonets in return,
Giving out change with pussies)
And he went, burping shavings,
Straight to the puppet theater.
In the theater there is a fat redneck - the director,
Caught him during intermission
(I dreamed of selling it to the Japanese,
In the form of chips or shavings),
But the log got fucked up,
Having told him about the door,
What was separated in the closet
The entire living area is from the toilet.
He raked the noodles with his hands
On your fleshy ears,
Gave it to himtwelve zlotys
(There were five of them - fake ones)
And quietly sent you to hell,
Ordering to remain silent about the door.
But Basilio, who suffered
Hemorrhoids, and Alice,
Hearing in his pocket
The clink of coins on eggs,
Oxmyputb decided to be an idiot,
To take away all the aluminum!
He approached him from the side,
Hit my belly with a crutch,
And without any embarrassment,
Offered his services
By investing money in land.
And Alice immediately, hastily,
I depicted it as best I could,
It’s like there’s an advertisement in a box,
With stripping and MALS!
Pinocchio was instantly thrown away,
All dreams of getting drunk on beer,
And buried all the money right there,
In a pile of soft manure,
After salting, he said three words:
"Cracks, pex, fex"
Or something like...
The night crept up unnoticed,
Steam rose above the manure,
And the damned log
Takes care of your finances.
The cat gives him this way and that,
And Alice with a melophone
Distracts and threatens
Why are the cops fucking here?
And the end, they say, the world is coming soon...
Suddenly the dung began to stir,
And from there it seemed
Drunken Tortilla,
What was missing from the soup there?
Having cleared my ears of shit,
She brazenly proposed a deal:
"Who will kill Duremar,
What leeches topret,
He will open two boxes,
If he guesses the word."
But the bastard Pinocchio
He screamed - “we’re playing super!”
Or we’ll make soup from this,Or - the key to the "Cossack"!
The turtle, having multiplied,
Out of sadness I'll make a pile of dung,
She immediately offered me a key,
But! - For Duremara's eggs.
Duremar sat down in the toilet,
There is a "hole" type above the asshole,
And... Instantly and silently...
Tortilla gave the key.
What happened to Duremar?
Only one "comrade" knows
And rich Pinocchio
Left two scammers
Mining coins in shit
And headed to the closet,
Turning the key on the tree,
They locked their father in the toilet,
And sold the closet to the Greeks
For free currency.
Papa Carlo swore so much
On point, in a day,
The Greeks ran away in fear
Remembering crayfish in the river...
And a log with dad today,
They go to the theater in a Rolls-Royce,
And then the director is lousy,
He climbs into their toilet with a master key,
But what does he want there?
Only the furry sage knows...
/Alex
---------------------------------------------------------------
Part three (continued)
---------
Instructions for using MS DOS 3.x
--------------------------------------
This tome, as the name suggests, teaches you how to
use your hands, which is simply necessary at first.
MS DOS is an acronym for the well-known
certain circles, English expression
More Sex - Do it Own handS.
Digit 3 incommon people means THREE WINDS, there are more
the perfect version of the FIVE-WAY, and the intermediate FOUR-WIDE
(at the same time, the company promises to continue this ... MUDIE). To begin with
you should familiarize yourself with the first of them in order to achieve complete
orgasm when reading UPGRATEs to the next versions of the system.
Next, we will consider only some of the basic MS DOS commands,
necessary to begin active sexual activity.
Note: the letter "x" after the dot in the version number means
exactly what you thought.
,
FDISK co-mand
--------------
First of all, make sure yours is hard enough... (yes
no!) disk. MS DOS has provided you with only soft, and with it,
as is well known, nothing good will come of it. Are you sure? Now
to the kind invitation to ENTER - ENTER with yes, yes,
keyboard: A:>FDISK
Did you enter? Confirm your entry by pressing the key. Now
you can begin to form the vagina information.
Constantly checking the manual, do this on the keyboard
all indecent acts that are required of you. Not worth it
being modest or being afraid of being run over by a car - nothing
The valuables are not yet on your hard drive. After completing all
specified actions with your left hand npucnyctute and go
back to the alluring oneinput line.
,
Co-mand FORMAT
---------------
Immediately after FDISK has finished, the input line follows
enter: A:>format c: /s
This action is somewhat monotonous, although not without
some contemplative pleasure - numbers that run
on the monitor screen is nothing more than a display of increasing
the capacity of your friend's vagina! But this is only for the first time
look, here we ask the faint of heart to go straight to reading
the next paragraph, for those who remained, we inform you that HEAD
means HEAD, and not yours, but the Winchester’s, so here you go
first betrayal! But it can’t be helped - yours is not suitable for this.
The number of people simultaneously participating in the process is amazing
heads from 4 to 20!
Next paragraph. You can go have a smoke. The rest is machine
will do it on his own. After a smoke break you should forget about
what just happened and finally show (read here
together), who is the boss of the house.
Vigorous impact on the main erogenous buttons
attract your partner's attention - ! Moreover
To achieve greater effect, they should be pressed simultaneously.
After that, fuck yourself into a matte surface
monitor, carefully lean towards the drive slot and remove
from there, becoming nobodyunnecessary, soft disk.
Note: Again, turning to folklore, we will inform you
curious that this operation is called: "Send to
three buttons."
12-Oct-92 2:ЗЗam (C) CopyRight
AveSoft Own 1992.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Telephone xymop. Man is sitting with the phone next to him. Ding-n-n.
- Ale! (surprised) how... on#$%???
Again - dingnnnn.
- Ale! (surprised) how... on#$%???
Dzinnnnn.
- On$%#! .... What... ale?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Wild West. Runs into the bar where the cowboys have gathered
young cowboy pulls out a pistol and shoots at the hats
cowboys. Everyone's hats flew off, but no one said anything.
words, only one old cowboy said: “Cut off the fly,
son..."
A little time passed and this guy ran in again,
shoots again... Again, zero emotions, just the same old
the cowboy says, "Cut the fly, son..."
“Listen,” says the young man. - “I shoot so badly,
Why are you telling me this???"
“Yes, when I was young,” answers the old cowboy,
"I did the same thing, so the old cowboys caught me and stuck me
gun in the ass and turned it several times... So cut it off
fly, son!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishwoman, a Frenchwoman and a Russian come to God.
- Well, God, you made the men have one penis andtwo eggs?
It would be better if you did it the other way around - two dicks and one ball!
- This is possible, but how can I best arrange them?
- Englishwoman:
|=======> | X
|=======> | X
(O) | (Oh)
- Frenchwoman:
|=======> | X X
(O) | (O)
- Russian:
|=======>=======>(O)
---------------------------------------------------------------
The same thing, but a _huge_hairy_ Georgian.
- Take off your clothes! (undressed).
The Georgian undresses, the woman is scared:
- Oh, you’re so..., so..., well, I’m just getting goosebumps...
- Get dressed!
- Why?
- Today I have goosebumps, yesterday I got goosebumps...
---------------------------------------------------------------
VK> 2. Behind the hills there are sacks with sacks,
VK> I’ll go out onto the hill and fix the sack.
There is a hill with sacks in a hole,
I’ll go out onto the hill and straighten the sack.
---------------------------------------------------------------
(1)
A man comes to a pimp:
- I need 80 girls..
- There are only 78.
- OK
...
At 10 o'clock a bus with whores pulls up to the man's house.
- Quickly, quickly, girls...
- How quickly?! We're here all night!
- Yeah! Right now! Only until 12! I have to go to work in the morning...
(2)
Brother fucks sister, she:
- Ooh! How big you are! Just like dad!
- I know, my mother told me.
(3)
(Fromlife of drug addicts)
Two drug addicts are driving in a car.
- Hey! Hey! Brake! Old lady!
- ...
- Whoaaah! Grandfather!
- ...
- Brake! Brake! CHILDREN!!!
- Are you crazy? You're driving - you brake...
---------------------------------------------------------------
There is a line of men standing outside the hospital, a woman comes up and
become too. The men, with obvious bewilderment, several
They look at her, stunned. After some time one man
holds out, comes up to her and says:
- I'm sorry, but do you know that it's the turn to donate sperm?
Baba without opening her mouth:
- Umgu!
---------------------------------------------------------------
The Chukchi decided to get married, and everyone slandered him:
- You can’t do anything! How will you live with your wife? Go to the forest
- practice in the hollows...
There is nothing to do - the Chukchi went into the forest. A year later he returned
got married. At night he says to his wife:
- Take off your clothes!
She undressed.
- Get in!
She lay down.
- Spread your legs!
Well, she naturally spread it apart, and he grabs the log and with all his
hits the fool in the pussy! She naturally screams:
- Oh, you're a brainless fool! It hurts!
- Chukchi is not a fool! The Chukchi knows that there can be birds in a hollow!
---------------------------------------------------------------
---=== Don't Worry, Be Happy ===---
/DWBH/
---=== Express BBS 2:5080/23 (17.00 - 06.30 MSC) ===---
S~/~S
Share your thoughts about the article