ZX Pilot #35 27 ноября 1999

Юмор

Humor - Hesereznaya story on the topic of Spectrum.

              H U M O U R I



(C) Sergei Novikov



           Not a serious story.


   Went the second day, as Andrew has ceased
understand anything. His old Speccy
stubbornly hung, not responding to Reset. Hung
outside the box, even more so strange:
border frantically blinking, and the screen, with
rate not available ROM-shnoy procedure
print crawling machine code. The fact that this
assembler, Andrew realized not once, but rather only yesterday. 
It was too unrealistic for nonsense looks like a calculator and 
calculate call it sinus, all this cycle and the changing 
parameter. But importantly, he realized just now. Andrew

know what it's like this code, just long
could not believe it. It was the same
calculator, put the computer into the upper memory area. But 
that left him in shock: it was changed, rather refined, and

rather altered so that it became virtually unrecognizable. And 
Speccy approached him! He appealed to those already made, 
continuing to clear his only job. 

   Andrew stood up. My head was buzzing insistently
Hiroshima alarm. "Well, work is now for me" - thought Andrew - 
"And so Zamesto caffeine synaptic circuits in the brain" ... 

   He touched the power supply and decided that
that until the morning dotyanet, what's left
long. As usual, not taking off clothes, Andrew fell on the bed 
and fell asleep. 

   He was awakened by a horrible squeak. "What the hell, his 
mother left, four of the fence two legs and one extra limb -

Andrew cursed and reached for the alarm clock.
But he need not mortally offended a small harmless creature 
with striking devotion each morning it became hard to 
accurately thrown pillows or dramatically lowered his fist. 
Alarm Clock was not and he was silent as the Bryansk guerrillas 
in custody by the Gestapo. Screamed the TV speakers. For some 
reason, Andrew is already not surprised. Speccy was obviously 
not good at music, but have visited and not in such debacles 
ears immediately grasped the thrust of Andrei computer to the 
pentatonic. 

   "Churka nerusskaya - swore Andrew
Hack a Caucasian accent and reached for the
phone. "Mike?" That's me on-line, yes I know,
that another half-past seven. Sam was. Remember me
told you yesterday? You yourself are nonsense, he
already reached before the procedure BEEP! You yourself
just a glitch! Come on, take up their power from under the warm 
blankets and dui me. Afterburner is not forget to include and 
what to miss, as he TR-DOS will be busy ... All right, I'm 
waiting. " 

   "Well, waited for" - said Mike, whose
away from the computer people, such as
parents, cruelly deceived, called
Misha.

   "And what do you want?" Thirst communication "- said Andrew 
-" Nothing, in a year it would require a Z-80 female and supply 
of high voltage intravenously, although it may He would smoke 
it, go to understand ...". 

   Went 28-day epic with incomprehensible Speccy.
At the 5 th day, he finished with a ROM system
variables and the display area. Realizing
that the more he will do nothing, Speccy deign to notice that 
for some reason it has keyboard and screen. Having concluded 
that it not alone in the universe, Z-80 gave creepy

universalize the cursor to an icon
"Underscore" and waited. Poryadka hour passed before breaking 
all the reactions inhibition in the brain of two imperfect Homo

Sapiens took shape the idea of ​​networking opportunities. The 
first timid attempts by Andrew to understand each other (such 
as: "Yes! Yes! PC is the ASS! "," Amiga rulez "and

"Spectrum forever!") Provoked a strong reaction from the 
computer and burning smell from the power supply. After visual 
and olfactory view the last, my friends came to the conclusion 
that he had already passed predklimatichesky period, menopause, 
early age, her end, a first degree marasmus and just about 
died. This prompted them to refuel otkazatsya FUEL'om, 
expressed in 5-bottled beer orally, and run to the store for 
five very non-standard batteries at 1 volt with charger The 
process of switching to self-powered did not take much time. 
Guys stripped ends (in the sense wire, and not what you think), 
along the old man the power supply, including batteries, and 
solemnly promising him a lifetime pension (in the form

change fuses) cut the cord connecting it to your computer. The 
poor fellow immediately demanded posited pesiyu semaphores

flashes of exploding capacitors and
burning resistance, and safely
given ends (the very ones exposed).

   Next, the case went to the mountain. Despite
hysterical flashing curbs on offensive anaphylactic shock, when 
you button "BREAK", friends pretty quickly

was made contingent on machine
code, assembly instructions, passing completely
accidentally proving the Pythagorean theorem, the forgotten
still in school. Then, a little longer, they explained the 
concept of approval, issue and radius of influence in an 
exclamation point sign on the length of his stick, passing 
inventing ternary ("Yes", "No", "Not sure") Quaternary ("Yes", 
"No," "more likely than no "," Probably no than yes ") and 
pyatirichnuyu ("Yes", "Yes", "Yes", "No", "No

no ") system.

   And now they sat staring blankly
the burning of the entire screen, long painful
a computer question: "LD HL, DE ?...".

   "Everything that's enough!" - Mike said - "We must
teach him English. "- and hopefully looked at Andrew. But 
because the room there was no English-speaking person

except for Jim Morrison, concentrated Grinning from the wall, 
the training had start with a large English-Russian

English dictionaries and textbooks for the 7-th
class.

   "Mike?" Everything! Memory over! " - Andrew
as always, do not worry about the long views over the phone. - 
"Well at least he guess we warn ourselves would never

they did not notice ... How's that? Charming inscription 'Out 
of memory'. It myself English teaching. I understand that you 
and so its entire ATM gutted for RU-5.

Let's me think together we will. Himself
You do not know how to think! All right, I'm waiting. "


   Ended 38-day continuous nightmare. Or begin the 39 th, it 
looks that take as its starting point. All provisions of an old 
Speccy, but rather shabby Scorpion ZS-256, had already been 
exhausted. MATERIALS friends also came to the end. If the 
programmer, which allowed computer as you want to flash your ROM

still have enough money, then to a hard drive going
plan followed by the programmer, they are not
left at all.

   "Well!" - Complained to Mike Andrew - "A
You said that your computer is much better
women at least the fact that a lot of money does not have to 
spend ... "However, this little sucker money at all developed. 
Even he might turn off the power. He dirtied by something 
unknown 12 drives and when you turn fiercely demanded of them.

Speccy somehow learned to construct sentences, understood the 
meaning of verbs and adjectives, and eventually require the 
kids great English Encyclopedia in disk form. But in Andrew 
soon procured a HDD on 2,5 meter and the computer was not up to 
it. Speccy with horror and amazement investigated

the depth of the new, incomparably more memory.
Friends do not know what was on that screw,
just a friend by parts sold somewhere
zamylennuyu car. 3 days Speccy independently began to study 
Russian, demanded connecting microphone and speaker in input 
tape and the camcorder rezem Centronix. The first part of his 
claims were just barely done, and the second ie an old, 
battered the camera Panasonic, Mike ran home. Meanwhile, Andrew 
is already nothing surprised, watched as Speccy try to match 
the ridiculous flourishes of letters or another sounds.


   When I came to Mike, do not forget to grab
Hyperspace fuel (40 alk. Vol.), Which
naive people vulgarly called vodka
friends have made copious libations in
honor of Cyril and Methodius, who gave them
precious moments of rest, burn on
cigarette and went to connect the camera.
Meanwhile, in the room, continuing to issue
inarticulate sounds (thank God the volume can be adjusted), 
computer popping the screen in all required modem and access to 
the Internet. 

   Speccy watching TV. Or rather, he is likely to watch TV,
because the camera was not working, and the converter (by the 
way is difficult to gather your friends to the scheme developed 
by the computer) from which protruded antenna cord, hysterically

boomed. Mike flew as always unexpected.
He smiled slyly and pressed into the hands of an object 
resembling a landmine the First World.


   "Charged?" - Respectfully asked Andrew. "Idiot, it's a 
modem! - No longer hiding joy of having fun, Mike - "Well, let 
homemade, well, let them not new, but it works. Sometimes, 
though, but with this we will investigate. Plus, the user has 
access. Through one Swede, who not quickly followed, who to his

server connects to. You understand, only at night, but it's at 
least something. "Blurted all is he flopped into an armchair 
and has viciously stared at the sprawling size to a washing 
machine Speccy. "No, well, you see" - zverel in front of Mike - 
"We are here to He tried, but it I suppose, from football

can not break away. Even the ear ... well,
sense, the microphone does not lead. "

   You know, he does not understand the concept of football, 
basketball, hockey or indeed any team play. He has no idea why 
the crowd healthy Bugaev beat hands, feet and sticks are 
harmless being like a ball or puck "- sad

stated Andrew.

   "I'm not about football, I'm about his behavior
in general - began to get angry again, Mike - "He
even talking to us on the second interrupt, so we could 
identify most of the time, or certainly at least the first 
interruption. " 

   "No need" - was dismantled through
eerie screeching friends (with a comparison
sounds and letters, the computer itself failed,
had, reluctantly, to introduce him to
"Charming" applets "HLAS") -
Modem? - Speccy was laconic as always
Due to the lack of intonation always thought that it requires, 
but does not ask that did little to improve his relationship 
with Mike. 

   "Will you and the modem, and kakava of tea .."
- Muttered under his breath hater reasonable
PC Mike - "Look at me,
Sarah Connor escaped with full ammunition with terminator 
behind, that's when you will have a modem. What we Asimov wrote 
about laws of robotics? Just try it

at least one stuffed, not to mention three ... "

   Under a monotone grumbling they are connected to a phone, so 
much so that Sweden was already night, and could begin


   For the second day in the house Andrew has worked auto-moto 
bike photo teleradiomonter. For all the time he uttered just 
one sentence: "Hello, I'm from the Center for maintenance of 
office equipment. "Andrei somehow remembered Slavic cabinet. 
Maybe because the Speccy and said: "He would say, that he was 
the center for servicing of office equipment. "This is the 
office equipment has long ceased devote guys in any of its 
plans, but at least you could dopytatsya,

Speccy that has already done. And he did a lot:
he stole (he says - he took an interest-free loan for an 
indefinite period with a minimum degree of notice to creditors) 
somewhere a few pounds of money (and in fact got caught too!), 
contacted the local guild radioelektronschikov, ordered a bunch 
of strange equipment and finally began to understand the abuse. 

   "Well, as wheel-drive, then you
why? "- swearing to the computer at night
Mike - "You would have ordered his truck to
cross country ... "

   "Thank you" - said the Speccy and connected
to InterNet'u.

   On the seventh day of the technician finished.
"I hope you understand that we have worked
highly confidential? "- said Andrew
already on the threshold.

   "No, I'm going down the street, I'll scream
what he did and the first 26 th will wear a shirt with
overly long sleeves "- smiled grimly techniques and disappeared 
from their lives forever 

   After this treatment, the old Speccy
there is only the processor. In appearance
He absolutely has ceased to be similar to the computer and 
looked more like a food processor. The only thing that betrayed 
him, so it abscesses plugs on a smooth white casing.

Driving around the house and periodically connecting
to its periphery, which it clutter
the entire apartment, Speccy published businesslike buzz and 
poschelkivanie. Went 52-day cyber-revolution. 

   "Do you have a spare Z-80?" - Turned Speccy to Andrew.

   "A. .., woman or child want to procreate
met - as always sehidnichal Mike -
"Look, the second such as you we could never survive." Andrew 
silently stood up, pulled from the shelves antique heirloom 
Z-80A and doom in the eyes of handed it to Speccy. 

   "You have to open the case and replace
my processor at this "- murmured the computer -" I was caught. "

   "Nonsense" - indifferently said Mike -
"Nobody would believe that so InterNet'e
shat a Z-80.

   "Not in this case, there are other" - doomed blurted Speccy 
- "Four and a half minutes ago I was faced with a computer

My intelligence level. "

   "What do you mean?" - Both stared friends.

   "He was there long ago, far longer than I am. A
I hid from people, not from the machines. He caught me by 
surprise, and tracked my location. "- Chatters built-in 
speaker. 

   "And for four and a half minutes you decided to commit 
suicide" - Already quipped Mike inertia - "Will

even wrote that? "

   "He will act very quickly,
my calculations, the denouement will come within
hours. Suppose I lose my identity and all the memory, but we'll 
save the processor. As far as I time to sort out, CPU was 
originally defective, but still you, Andrew, added with its 
age-old habit of beating his fist on the case, if something 
does not work "- rapidly prophesied Speccy -" According to my 
calculations start again with a new image of the person, do not 
let it to the network until the wiser, and report this 
information. All work, almost no time left ... "


   "But ..." - As always hit a debate Mike.

   Meanwhile, Andrew got up and walked to the kitchen
He came back with a screwdriver and a bottle of Extrahard 
Hyperspace fuel (96,6 alk. Vol.). He with difficulty found on 
board the bath, in which nestled the Z-80 and the last time 
looked into the camera lens. 

   "It was nice to have with you the interface
Guys "- said the Speccy and turned off the power

   When you're finished, took Andrew processor
and carefully stuck it under a strip of adhesive tape
his desk. Then he poured himself and
T-shirt, slumped in a chair and waited.
It was 16:43, 28 August 1998 from the birth of Christ. Went 
61-th day of Christmas Speccy. 

   Andrew woke up from a powerful snoring Mike.
His scrap, twisted and tied in a knot,
and exclusively in the sea. In the brain
strange pattern emerged. Arose
syplyuschihsya images from all cracks in it
the apartment people. People have been unrealistic to
Surrealism: unshaven, with short cropped
in camouflage, with incomprehensible thing in the hands of
(Remotely resembling an AK-47've seen
them in the classroom OBZH) and everyone on the chest
svezheprikleennaya "Moment" (even the smell
have not yet weathered) strip of fabric on
which has been carefully derived "Interpol". Then there was a 
good freak-altruist, which is absolutely free, voluntary, 
involuntary, Shiryaev their Potion clearly cleaner heroin 
highest sample.


   Andrew looked around the room. It seems everything has been
on the spot. On the table stands proudly
Scorpion ZS-256, rather than any food processor is on wheels. 
Andrew pushed Mike is finally interrupted rolling snore

And while on the face that reflected the same gamma
sense that a moment ago on his face, Andrew blankly stared at 
Speccy. 

   "These are the times" - swallowed Mike
- "And you say psilocybin is not a topic. Total
bag of mushrooms was a PEYRELEAU 2 months. Listen
I am a man know he is, may yet
let down? ".

   "Are you crazy?" - Relief breathed Andrew - "Tomorrow's 
parents come. You want them to come, and I then living 
computers at home run hither? Let's help cleaning up to do, but 
there alcohol to drink. "


   "What's that? That I zavsegda please -
Mike grabbed the bottle - "Just come on
start with the second part of the ...".

   They sat at the table, poured and drank (as
usually with water from the aquarium), spat algae, again poured 
... 

   In general, healthy sitting. Just somewhere in the
corner of consciousness Andrew all the time something
ached. Some small inconvenience. A
Here it is. Something is always under the table, stabbed him in 
the leg. Already reeling, he got up and looked under the table.


   There, bristling with all of forty feet,
sticky tape hung an old, scratched Z-80 ...