Nicron #37 05 июня 1997

Самиздат

Story - Big Space Fuck.

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               Large Space Fuck
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(C) MDF HACKER

            Large Space Fuck


     In 1987, a young man in the United States an opportunity 
to sue the parents and bring them to sue for the way they 
raised him. He could call them to court and get paid or even 
imprisoned for serious errors committed by them, when he was 
only helpless child. It was not just an attempt to restore

justice, but also a way to affect population growth, because 
food is running out. Abortions are done free. Moreover, a woman 
who went to him voluntarily, could choose to reward yourself or 
scales for bathroom, or a table lamp.



     In 1989, America proclaimed the program a large space fuck 
is a serious attempt gaarantirovat humanity continued its 
existence somewhere in the universe, since life on Earth must 
be clearly was soon to cease. All turned to shit, tins

of beer, old cars, and bottles of "Hlorroksa.
An interesting event occurred in Hawaii, where garbage
years dumped in the craters of extinct volcanoes: a couple of 
volcanoes suddenly cast up all back. And so on. 


     It was a period of great linguistic liberties, so that even
President quietly uttering unprintable words, and none at
This did not feel insulted or offended. Everything was
completely in order. He called the Outer Space Fuck fucking, 
and the same thing repeated by all. Was built spacecraft, the 
bow is placed 800 pounds sublimed dzhizzuma. Its going to run 
into direction of the Andromeda galaxy, to which 2 million 
light years. The ship was named "Arthur C. Clarke," in honor of 
the famous pioneer of space exploration.



     The launch was scheduled for midnight on July 4. That 
night at ten o'clock Duane Hubler and his wife Grace watched on 
TV preparing to launch, sitting in a room of his modest house 
in Elk Harbor, Ohio, who was standing on the shore of what was 
once Lake Erie. By the time the lake is almost completely 
turned into hard dirt. There were carried out in lamprey-eating 
38 feet in length. Duane worked as a security guard at the 
Institute of Adult Corrections, Ohio, to which was two miles, 
and He had a hobby - tinkering bird houses made of bottles 
"Hloroksa. He went on to make them and hang out in the yard, 
although No birds have left.



     Dwayne and Grace with delight watching the movie, which 
was shown dzhizzuma preparation for the trip. Small vial of the 
substance to the head of the mathematical Faculty of the 
University of Chicago, instantly frozen. Then he was placed 
under the cap, from which air is pumped out. Air evaporated, 
along with moisture, leaving a thin white powder. Of course, 
the powder remains very little - and Duane Hubler said this - 
but it contained several hundred million sperm cells are 
embedded in suspended animation. A powder enough, figured aloud 
Duane to fill the eye of a needle. AND eight hundred pounds of 
this powder soon btsdut on the way to Andromeda. 

     - Fuck I love you, Andromeda - said Duane, and his words
does not sound rude. The same was written on posters and 
stickers throughout the city. On the other read: "Andromeda, we 
love you" or "The Earth is Andromeda," and so on.



     There was a knock at the door, and immediately entered the 
high sheriff, an old family friend. - How are you, old Dalby 
...? - Asked Duane.



     - I can not complain, shit face, - replied the sheriff, 
and they have some time to exchange such pleasantries. Grace 
giggled, enjoying their wit. However, she did not laugh to with 
such pleasure, whether it's a bit ponablyudatelnee. Then she 
would have noticed that a revival of the sheriff only external, 
but in the depths of his soul have a concern. AND yet she would 
have noticed. that the hand he holds a formal paper. 


     - Sit down, stupid old fart - invited Duane,
- And see the Andromeda gets the biggest surprise in the
their lives.


     - As I think, - said the sheriff - I will have to
sit you have more than two million years. My old lady will
worry about whether what happened to me. - Sheriff was 
posoobrazitelnee Duane. His dzhizzum was "Arthur C. Clarke, and 
Dwayne - no. To have your dzhizzum accepted, your IQ must be at 
least 115. There were some exceptions: for instance, if you're 
a good athlete, or play a musical instrument, or paint 
pictures, but Duane could not break here. He hoped that the 
manufacturers of bird houses identified as a category, but this 
did not happen. C On the other hand, the director of the New 
York Philharmonic allowed provide at least a quart, if desired. 
The Director was sixty-eight years. Duane forty-two.



     On the TV screen appeared an elderly astronaut. He said 
that, of course, I would like to go there to fly it dzhizzum. 
But instead, he would have to sit at home alone with 
vompominaniyami and a glass of "Tang". "Tang" was considered an 
official drink of astronauts. It was freeze-dried orange juice.



     Maybe you and no two million years, "said Duane, but five
minutes probably naydutsya.Sadis old bastard. In fact, I came
in such a case, - the sheriff said, allowing the sadness to 
appear on the face, which I usually performed while standing. 


     Dwayne and Grace were genuinely puzzled. They had neither
the slightest idea what to expect. And what happened is
that: the Sheriff gave each a copy of summons and
said: - my sad duty to inform you that your daughter, Wendy 
June, accusing you that you ruined her life when she was a 
child. 


     Dwayne and Grace were sitting as if struck by lightning. 
They knew that Wendy Joon now twenty-one years, but they, of 
course, and think no thought that she would do it. Now she 
lived in New York, and congratulating her on the phone on his 
birthday, Grace even said: - You know, we plucked the bird you, 
you are now can apply to us to court if you want. - Grace was 
so confident that he and Dwayne were good parents, that even 
with a laugh she added: - And if you like, you can plant of 
their ancestors in the slammer. 


     Wendy Jung was among them, among other things, an only 
child. She is about to come brothers and sisters, but Grace 
made a few abortions and zaimela instead of children three 
table lamps and bathroom scales. 


     - What have we done this to her? - Grace asked the sheriff.

     - Each agenda is attached a separate sheet with the 
charges - said he. He is no longer able to look into the eyes 
of his old friends unhappy, and instead looked at TV screen. 
Scientists explain why the purpose of the mission was chose 
Andromeda. It turns out that between the Earth and Andromeda is 
located not less than eighty-seven hronosinklasticheskih 
infandibul, that is, the strain of time. If Arthur C. Clark 
will be held at least through one of them, instead of one ship 
with a cargo of them will be a billion, but still scattered in 
time and space. 


     - And if somewhere there is an egg ow Universe - promised 
a scientist - that our seed will find it and flourish. 


     So far, the most disappointing moments of the space 
program was, of course, a demonstration of the fact that egg is 
a hell of a way, if any exist. Blunt lbdey like Dwayne and 
Grace, and even more clever, like the sheriff, was invited to 
believe that a missile meet in a friendly way, and that the 
Earth - just a lump of dung, used as a launch platform. 


     Now the earth was actually a lump of crap, and even to
Dumbest was the income that it might be the only
uninhabited planet has ever find people.


     Grace burst into tears because of the fact that her 
daughter gave her a court, and a list of plaintiff claims that 
she was reading, started because of vystuptvshih tears blur 
before her eyes. - God , my God, my God - she said - she lists 
is what I have long forgotten, but she had not forgotten 
anything. After All these events occurred when she was only 
four years. 


     Dwayne read their own claim claim, so it does not
asked Grace what she has done such a terrible, when Wendy
June was just four years. A case was this: the poor little
Wendy Jung took crayons and izrisovala beautiful pictures all 
the new wallpaper in the room to please Mom. Instead of emotion 
Mom razyarilas and spanked her. From that of the day, said 
Wendy Jung, pr one glance at an object, having relation to 
painting, she begins to tremble like a leaf, and on top of her 
break through a cold sweat. "Thus I was deprived of - the 
lawyer wrote the words of Wendy Jung - a brilliant and 
lucrative career artist." 


     Dwayne, meanwhile learned that deprived the chance of her 
daughter, the lawyer called a "favorable marriage and resulting 
from it comfort and love. "Dwayne did so, presumably, being

not completely dressed when the plaintiff called at the door. 
Moreover, in Further, opening the door, he often found himself 
stripped to belt, but did not shoot at the same time belts with 
a revolver and cartridge belt. She even named the lover who has 
lost because of his father: John A. Newcomb, who later married 
someone another. Now he has a very good job. He serves in the 
unit undercover forces in the arsenal of the State of South 
Dakota, where containers are stacked in piles of cholera and 
bubonic plague. 


     At the sheriff were in stock and other bad news, and he
knew that soon he will have the opportunity to lay out. 
Accidents Dwayne and Grace soon asked him: "What made her m and 
to do to us? "The answer to the question will be another the 
bad news - Wendy June now arrested by police for having that 
led the gang of shoplifters. Only for her way to avoid prison - 
to prove that in all things, by whom she became and that done, 
blame the parents. 


     In the meantime, appeared on the screen Flem Snopes - 
Senator State of Mississippi, chairman of the Senate Space 
Committee. He was very happy because of the large space fucking 
and stated that to this end the American space program has 
sought over the past years. I am proud to say Senator, that the 
United States considered it appropriate to place largest 
factory for freezing dzhizzuma in his manenkom native 
gorodochke "called Mayhew. 


     Incidentally, the word "dzhizzum" pretty interesting story.
It is as old as "......", "crap" and other similar
words, but it continued to be disposed of dictionaries for a 
long time after any children included all others. This was done 
for the reason mnoim that people want to keep at least one 
really unprintable magic word - the only remaining.



     And when the United States announced that they are going 
to make something really magical - to fill up the dried sperm 
of the Andromeda Galaxy, the common people to improve their 
government. Their collective subconscious has announced that it 
is Time to pull the light of day last magichskoe word. They

stood on that "semen" is useless to run in another galaxy. Your 
only "dzhizzum. Therefore, the government began to use that 
word, and even did something that had never made earlier - has 
standardized its pronunciation. 


     The man interviewing Senator Snopes, asked
to stand up to anyone and everyone can horoshengo see his 
codpiece. In those days they were in great vogue, and many men 
were codpiece in the form of rocket, in honor of Big Space 
Fuck. The main body of the rocket is usually placed the letters 
"USA." However, the codpiece Senator Snopes depicted Stars and 
Stripes of the federation. 


     This turned the conversation to heraldry in general, and 
the interviewer reminded the senator headed for its campaign to 
remove the eagle from the American coat of arms. The senator 
said he did not want to his country has a bird, which has in 
modern times to obviously a serious matter guts.


Asked about the animal, which, in his meniyu, Mr. n_e gut is 
thin, the senator called for two: lamprey and earthworms. But, 
as no it knows neither he nor anyone else, lampreys have 
decided that the Great Lakes have become too ugly and venomous, 
even for n and x. And while people were sitting home watching 
the big space fuck lamprey crawled out of the slime and got to 
bereg.Nekotoroye of them were as long and thick, like "Arthur 
C. Klark.


And Grace Hubler wet eyes averted from what she read, and asked
Sheriff question that he was afraid to hear: What made
its m and to do to us? "Sheriff said to her, and wept over the 
same cruel fate. This is the most terrible responsibility of 
those that I had a chance to perform - he said, sobbing, as 
heartbreaking news to report so close to friends like you and 
even into the night, which should be the most fun night in the 
history of mankind. He went outside, still crying, and landed 
right in the mouth of a lamprey. That moment was swallowed, but 
he managed to cry out. Duane and Grace Hublery rushed into the 
street to look, because of which the cry, and lamprey and ate 
them. And kaoy was ironic that the TV has continued to send 
prelaunch countdown, even when they are already could not he 
see, nor hear, and in general they all had already do not care. 
"Nine," the voice said. Then eight. Then "Seven." And so on.


(C) 1990 Translation from English Novikova

    Kurt Vonnegut