Micro #18 07 мая 1999

Юмор

Humor from Fido - Diary of a user Vasey.

             Humor from Fido



Diary of a user Vasey


     July 18. I tried to call the
bbs. I have heard that it is very interesting and
entertaining. I can not skonnektitsya. not
I know what I'm doing wrong.


     July 19. one of the employees
computer store told me that I
need a modem. I do not know why. probably
they want me to chop. Do they think,
I do not understand, or what?


     July 22. I bought the modem. I do not know
how it works. He is not connected to any
monitor or a printer.


     July 23. Finally the modem is connected. son
neighbors (he was nine years old) did it for
me. but the modem still does not work. I do not
I can connect with bbs.


     July 25. This neighbor's son
nine years has brought me to the program. he is
smart. he is in any case, these guys are smarter
in a computer store, which
they sold me a modem. they do not even say
me to call on the modem, I
need special software. I am sure that
they do not know. wondering why on
rear of the modem two telephone
connector, when only one? and
what it says phone? I still
I can not connect him with the telephone
socket on the wall. I think that the sound
modem is very cool! but the noise
Neighbors came running. neighbor's son
said that you can turn off the sound.


     July 26. What is the Internet? I thought
the Internet and bbs is the same. I
confusion.


     July 27. neighbor's little boy of nine years
showed me how to use
terminalkoy. I told him that he should
to be a genius, if you understand all
this. He said that he is a genius in comparison
with me. perhaps he stretches the truth.


     July 28. I tried to chat
today. I tried to talk to a computer
but nothing happened. probably should
buy a microphone.


     July 29. I found such a thing as
Conference! amazing.


     July 30. these people at conferences
use capital letters. as they are
obtained? I never realized how
printed in capital letters. perhaps they
other keyboard.


     July 31. I called the store where I
Bought a computer to complain about THAT
I do not have the keys in CAPITAL LETTERS. ME
Said that we must CLICK CAPS LOCK.
Why am I not immediately comment on that? " I
I told them that I WRONG
KEYBOARD. I said that I have one
The SHIFT MORE THAN OTHERS. THEY
To say that this STANDARD. I said that I
I DO NOT WANT standard keyboard, I WANT TO
CORRECT KEYBOARD. Obviously, THAT I
Told them it was very important because
Gathered all DEPARTMENT SUPPORT TO
LISTEN MY CALL.


     August 1. I FOUND echo SU.CHAINIK.
I was told that I GET THERE
ANSWERS TO ALL YOUR QUESTIONS. I sent there
44 QUESTION ABOUT COMPUTERS AND THE INTERNET. I
HOPE SOON TO GET ANSWERS.


     August 2. I FOUND echo Calling
RU.ANEKDOT. I decided to post it THERE JOKES
PRO Chicken THAT demolished ... HA! I
JUST WAS NOT SURE THAT THE LETTER
SEND correctly, so I sent it
MORE 56 times.


     August 3. I keep hearing the ABM
Some World Wide Web. I NEVER
THOUGHT that spiders are so
Health ...


     August 4. MODERATOR answers to my
ISSUES IN SU.CHAINIK. Answers were very
Discourteous. I am so angry that he wrote
All I think about him, in an echo. I was not
SURE THAT THE LETTER SEND, and on every
CASE STILL sent him 22 times.


     August 5. Someone told me to read
FAQ. Do not they know THAT WRITE FAQ
ONLY stupid?


     August 6. Someone told me that I
Stop crying in each letter.
Moron. I DO NOT SHOUT! I do not
Talk! I type. AS SOON AS SUCH
Curbs rude to the network.


     August 7. Why Button Caps
Lock, if it can not push? It was necessary to
buy a keyboard without the keys. It would
cost is cheaper.


     August 8. I received a letter saying
how you can earn lots of money! I
delighted. I earned a lot of money. I
comply with all instructions attributed to his name
at the end and sent a letter to each echo,
you could find.


     August 9. He graduated from the writing template
for my letters. It took only six
kilobytes. Need a little more work on
him ...


     August 10. Read in some echo
about that lamer must die. I have read
a few letters and realized that lamer should
be razed to the ground. Left
only to find out who the lamer.


     August 11. I asked about where
You can grab the latest version of Tetris. One
guy told me that it is necessary to freknut
at 2:50 **/****. I searched but found no
such a conference.


     August 12. I asked all ehah,
what freknut. I can not ask
neighbor's little son, what it means.
Parents are not allowed him more to me in
guests. They say that every time
vozvrschayas from me, he laughs not
ceasing, so that he could not eat or
sleep or do homework. I do not know that
so funny. I'm probably bad
sense of humor. In RU.ANEKDOT reason not
I liked the anecdote about the chicken.
Maybe they just love jokes
Rzhev. I received many answers to their
letter about a bird, but there were only
#$%^, characters and one letter from
komoderatora, but it also did not
was written, only [+].


     August 13. I sent another letter
in each echo, asking what
freknut and where is 2:50 **/****. I
forgot yesterday to use my new
template, it takes only eight
kilobytes. I think everyone will
interesting to know my favorite song from
"Titanic", so I included it in
template. I just think to ascribe more
five timov that I came up yesterday, to
the ten, which I decided to join.


     August 14. I can not get on the BBS.
Sysop left me a message that I
no longer call at his station: (


     August 15. I learned that the city
there is a BBS! They also can call ...

-----------------------------------------

     Lay somehow in the hospital. In House
brought in at night to the man after the operation. He
is moving away from the anesthesia, screaming songs
hands waving. In general, pulled all but
story is not about that. In the morning a man
oklemalsya. Stood up to walk. Stand - smoke,
Suddenly he was hobbling down the hall from the past
forces in the office of the head. office, who
it operated. Forehead covered in sweat, eyes
bulging. Ran a nurse. After a minute
five are seeing now - the head falls out.
Branch of the study, half of laughter
creased, words can not say all
repeats: "Fool, fool: .." Then, when we
regaled his cigarette, he told me that
a man asked that he cut out. Dr.
replied that an inguinal hernia. At that guy with
tremor in his voice said that he went in the morning
"Wee-wee" and did not find member. Summoned
nurse who razbintovala.
It was found that assisted Dr.
intern and the inexperience pribintovali
all male wealth to the leg. A man then
long indignant and threatened to povydergivat
foot followers of Hippocrates.
But it could be worse ...

*


     It was summer in the train
miami-heat tuapse Straseni, a lot of people
already in the vestibule stood otduhoty eyes crept
on his forehead. On his departure from the regular stations
machinist announces

     -Station Chemitokvadzhe Next
Lazarus suddenly through the crowd hard
plying elbows his way fat man
with a backpack and a suitcase in his hand and
asks a Lazarivka been? we
girlfriends smiling (without a smile on his
can not watch it)
Yes-no next
Is not a funny man deceive Babes
Da truth

     Nuka-and let me through. And climbs to
doors (the doors on the occasion of the heat, and
violation of safety rules were not yet
closed, the train picks up speed), we
naturally tried to detain him,
fiercely resisted, he broke through to the
door and jumped off yet. He fell on his back, he
offered us his hands and yelled:
-Suitcase! SUITCASE Throw BITCH!

     We threw his suitcase, which
revealed he reveals to us all the richness of its
wardrobe.

     And after 10 minutes we quietly and peacefully
arrived at the station Lazarevskoye.

*


     My friend has a girl working in
Store seller of videotapes. And now
what happened to her story .... Comes
Once in store the new Russian (HP) and
asks her to whisper:
"Girl, you is erotic?"

     "There" - she says. HP:
"Please pick me this, where
woman - on top, I like it very much,
but I do here in the next window bucks
exchange "She begins to frantically
seek, as he promised to repay.
Searches on the box - no! She tells him
from behind the counter looking up: "Listen,
man, no one! "he told her -" Look, baby! "
She dives again under the counter and searches -
no. She told him again, said: "Well, no
so! "he persists - look, they say. Finally
she got sick and she loudly said so:
"Listen, let me give you back?"
Buyers were few in the store, and its
voice heard everything! It was the coffin
silence. HP embarrassed, muttered something
under his breath and jumped out of the store.
He did not come :-)

*


     Actually, I really do not like
profanity. Especially when out of place.
But this story - about the derivational
disorderly conduct - can, if you want
represent a purely philological interest.
Now all the traffic is painted advertisements.
Stand yesterday at the bus stop, suitable
tram. On board the inscription: "Children's Furniture
firm-so. "And the paint-spray before
the word "child" is derived: LIP. Well, you can
was uhmylnutsya and forget. So after all this
It is not over! Today I see the same
is the tram. The word "furniture" painted
the first letter ...

 That is now touring the Moscow ...

*


     The story told me a friend,
who works at a military school
accountant. Was over there the New Year
matinee for children, and she took her daughter
this matinee .. A little girl like everything
(It is as though smart, is aware that
kindergarten are dressed as Santa Claus
teacher, and here as though THIS
Santa Claus) ... and that's when it's time
reel around the Christmas tree, Santa Claus (
but it should be noted, played some kind of
Colonel) said: "Come on kids, stand up
around the tree in a circle "and seeing that kids
how-to continue to walk down the hall and into the circle
become not going to do, staring
eyes screaming so completely "military"
voice: "Well I got up in the circle, I WHOM
SAID !!!".. kids naturally there also
stood in a circle, but the mother for a long time
rolling on the floor laughing;)))

*


     In America, I do not live more than a year.
I thought the Americans do not care as in
Russia live. But I was wrong. As
news is not necessarily including the so-something
about Russia will be shown. How do they get
some of the shots, I can not understand. Yesterday
I saw another funny ... Grandmother calmly
walking along the road (in Russia) throws
car. Not having time to fall off its tracks
knocks down the other. Fly into several
m she jumped to her feet lifted
string bag with the potatoes and ran away. That's it.

*


     My brother's friend is constantly
"Chatitsya" with some guys from
Brazil. Just today, he asks them:

     - What do you think when the team
Russia will win the World Cup?
To those without hesitation, replied:

     - Then, when the national team of Brazil
become a world champion in ice hockey!

*


     Sitting, waiting CONNECT'a with NetAddress.
Suddenly Iksplorer drawing board with a dagger,
where it says: Waiting unexpectedly
up!

*


     Computer firm (udm.ru).
A happy customer leaves home, buying
Winchester at 3.2 GB. A couple of hours
the bell rings.

     Puzzled voice:

   - Why did you put my two small
hard drive instead of one big?!

   - 8 - [] ... Yes, we will simply
Beat!

   - (Heavy silence ...)

*


     News on NTV at 16:00.
The correspondent says that somewhere in
Peter held military exercises in the
computers. Show the room in which
for every five-ten people have
one computer. On computers that can be seen
something Vindozopodobnoe. Voice
Corresponding "... computers worldwide
known Vindous95! [...] Now here
are the latest Pentium !!!".

     Now imagine the picture: it is necessary
ballistic missile. Cassette
warhead - five bombs on a couple of megatons
each. And all this under control
"World famous Windows 95" standing
the last Pentium'e ... If only
NukeNabber and Norton CrashGuard supply
do not forget!


     P.S. Are you: The server crashed, the server
fell ... That's really it will fall - so
Will fall ... Will not find it.

*


     We come once with my girlfriend in
One well-known advertising agency. Was
this is the year 1994, could be the beginning of 1995 and
one of the designers said the new by
By the time anecdote:
- Hello, girl, this is number 444 44 44.
- Yes

     - Please, get me an ambulance. Y
my finger got stuck. Everyone who was in
room, neigh, as sivye gelding. We
girlfriend, as usual, we start to slow down.
I ask:
- Which finger?

     In this case, imagine what size
and a finger (or toe) should
have to be stuck in the disk device.
Here are falling all around the second time
laughter.
Here is my friend:
- Where is stuck?

     In this case, she just could not imagine
that still exist Disc phones.
It has already dropped all those who could. That such
Here is a story about two brakes

*


     Subtracted, we have recently so here is a paragraph in
book "Introduction to ATM"


     Payload size of cells ATM
equal to 48 bytes, is a consequence of
compromise: during a meeting of CCITT
Geneva, U.S. officials and several
others recommended a 64-byte
field data, while European
countries preferred a 32-byte field.
Since it was not possible to develop a common
opinion on the technical side of the question,
was taken kopromissnoe solution.

Whew!

*


     On clinical examination: Student - Brake
The doctor and - not much better. Sudent worth
and periodically reads that he would in the map
has been written.
The doctor:
- A gastroscopy you (passed?
Student to keep your eyes and think of the card:
- This is when shoved into his mouth, or what?
The doctor, with a slight smile:

     - Well, in another place until the Suva not
idea! So you failed? Well then go
"In the mouth Sui!

     Student once again keep your eyes on
maps, and elusive idea, asks:
- Who?

-----------------------------------------
              The people of Fido


  Lyrics courtesy of Y. Grushko