Micro #02 19 апреля 1998

Юмор

Humor - Anecdotes.

                 HUMOR


 An Arab with his daughter riding in the desert on a camel. 
They cornered the robbers. - My daughter, where we hide 
valuables and money?

- Father, I hide them where only a woman can hide ...
The robbers came down, searched the travelers chose a camel and 
rode away ...  - Father, what are you sad? After all, money and

jewelry remained intact!
 - Oh, my daughter ... If the us was your
Mom, we'd managed to save and camel.


              *

Wife after the soul enters the room, opens the robe and asked 
her husband:  - Well, as I am?

 - Well! A would be a stranger - the price you would
was not!


              *

Four wishes her husband in bed:

     1. To quickly fell asleep children.

     2. Mother-in-law to sleep.

     3. In order not to sleep wife.

     4. To not lost the desire.


              *

Negretyanka rinse in the river, underwear and her skirt
ridden up so high that they became visible toxic red 
trusy.Stoyavshy nearby bull attacked a black woman, is 
proportional to the red rag horn. Do not turn your head and 
continuing polskat underwear, black woman impersonal

said:
 - I do not know who you are and from where, and I'm here
am every Monday and Wednesday.


              *


  In Paris, Mr. solving fun, sat
in a taxi driven by a young lady.
 - Take me to the most deshovy brothel.
 - Monsieur, you are in it!


              *

Ivan comes to the church. The church sits
Father with zabintovanymi hands.
 - Father, I have sinned.
 - Why do you create one?
 - Cats raped.
 - How is it you are not scratched?
 - Duc, I tucked her in boots.
 - Yes, you dogadliv, my son. But I'm not
guessed.


              *

 Married to the young earl. And now
on their wedding night and his wife lay in her
room and grf - in his.
Lies wife and thinks:
 - With such a husband should have three lovers ... 6Na that he 
is capable of?  Suddenly a knock at the door.

 - The Countess - opened the door of a graph - sorry, but I 
have to fulfill his conjugal responsibilities.

 After working for the graph left. A Countess lies
thinks: "A graph is nothing, that's enough, and the two 
lovers". "  Suddenly a knock at the door.

 - The Countess - stood on the threshold graph - sorry, but I 
have to perform conjugal responsibilities.

 Earl worked and ushel.Grafinya lies and thinks: "Well done 
Earl, enough for a lover."  Suddenly, a knock again. Once 
again, Earl has performed marital duties.

Countess no longer thinks of lovers.
Suddenly, for the fourth time comes to count.
 - Excuse me, countess, I shall perform ...
 - Count how many can? You have already been three times
I have ...
 - Oh, sorry, damn sclerosis tortured!


              *

Wife to her husband:
 - My God, television became a pornography pokazybat.To naked 
women, then deputies.



              *

Three girlfriends 30.40 and 50 years went to the resort. After 
a while their husbands get a telegram with one word "BEER".  
Gathered, fortune and decided to go to the fortuneteller. She 
asks the youngest:  - Your how old?

 - Thirty.
 - So she wrote: "is constantly changing,
Be sure to come back. "
 - She is forty, wrote: "Trying to change - or rather, to 
explain."  A fifty-year-"I propose to rape, all refuse."



              *

 Love to confess one man to another:
 - I went home, and she lyubovnikom.S
grief sat down, drank two theirs butylki
vodka, Popel sad songs, and then look
- The apartment is not mine.


              *

 Natasha is dancing with the lieutenant Rzhevsky.
 - Lieutenant, tell us something interesting realties ...
 - With pleasure! Once, when we went to fuck horses ...
 - Rzhevskii! Shame on you! - Exclaimed Natasha, and she ran in 
tears to complain about her father.  - Oh, papa, this Rzhevskii 
such a low man!  - Yes, the low - agrees his father. - Any

times when we went to fuck horses, he
took with him a stool ...


              *

 Ad in the dating service:
 I'm so tired of being alone! About me: I do not drink
I do not smoke, do not eat, lie and wait. photo
You can see the cemetery.


              *

 The young widow is looking for a satellite 50/50/50
life. Was not married.


              *

The bride comes out of the Wedding Palace.
Near a tuxedo zhenihovskom hobbles
chimpanzees.

  Girlfriend (sigh):
 - Yes, Nina is now in New York living will
Well, what if in a zoo?


              *

 Two Chukchi:
 -I opened up, however, the first strip-tease in
tundra.
 - And what have you got there a woman immediately undress?
 - Not once, but gradually: first one
ski take off and then - another.


              *

 There are two friends, one said:

  - Listen, yesterday slept with weightlifters.

  - Well, how?

  - The impression that you dropped a huge
cabinet with little key.


              *

 Board of the meet:
 - Hi, In the previews, I had recently with Hawaii,
where I met your zhenu.Vo Secondly, I slept with ney.I third as 
you like "Second"?

 - Firstly, I'm with her long-divorced secondly
Second, she has AIDS. In-tetih as you
like the "second"?


              *

 There are two:
 - Do you know what the last stage of syphilis?
 - No, I do not know.
 - This is when the cross on the grave sinks


              *

 At the doctor.
 - Undress the patient. Wow! What is a
You cowards iron?
 - Beware of AIDS.
 - And that my toes do not?
 - So, once gum broke.


              *

 - What is it? Why are you on crutches?
 - Yes, that would like to get down from the roof of the stairs.
 - So what?
 - A ladder was not there.


              *

 - Do you have color TVs?
 - Yes.
 - Then give me the green.


              *

 - I heard your wife is learning to drive. How she doing?
 - Not bad. She had already decided on the crossroads to open 
his eyes. 


              *

 Built a regimental commander and asked:
 - Soldiers! Tell us, birds need the money?
 - No! - Shouted order.
 - So the eagles! I drank your paycheck.


              *

 - Mom, Dad, I found it.
 - I asked you not to hang around bins.


              *


      Prices in the brothel.
 Intercourse is -100 dollars.
 Navlyudenie for intercourse -200 dollars.
 Watching overseeing sexually ac is -300 dollars.


              *


              Stirlitz

 Stirlitz wakes in the morning, damages caused by
hands and feet, and begins to remember that
happened to him. After much thought, he
decides: "If the camera will include people in the black - then 
I'm in the Gestapo and I Stirlitz. If the green - it means I'm 
in the NKVD I Isayev "

 Enter two in gray, and drag up
him through the corridors. Bound by any kicks and
screams:
 - For what?
 - Do you get drunk at a reception yesterday as a pig
and vandalized. And People's Artist,
Tikhonov citizen!

 Stirlitz sat vraskoryachku. Raskoryachka immediately
 was got and went.

Stirlitz nazametno crossed the border. On this
he learned from the morning newspapers.

 Mueller called for sowing in the office Shtirlitsa
and maliciously asked him:
 - Stirlitz the color of my panties?
 - Red.
 - That you and Dad! - Happily exclaims
Muller - knew about it only I and the Russian
Cat radio operator.
 - Stop speak maliciously, Muller, and fasten his pants, and 
then finds out all the management tion.


Shtirlisch stoked the stove. On the following should be taken 
daily appeared in the newspaper article about the brutal

killing employee Gestapo

 Prof. Pleischner jumped out the window when
understood that the turnout failed. Never has the old scientist 
is not so widely spread brains.


 Stirlitz wanted to hang the curtain, but it's not been easy - 
Curtains resisted and beat him over the head with dumbbells. 

 Call Hitler to Stalin:
 - Stalin, your people did not take me out
Safe secret documents?
 - Find out.
 Wake Stalin Stirlitz:
 - Stirlitz you take Hitler out of the safe
 - Yes, Comrade Stalin.
 - So put in place - people are worried.

 Mueller raced at a breakneck pace in the car
mobile. And next came Stirlitz, pretending that
walks.

 Shtirlitsa beat oznob.Oznob served in the Gestapo

 Faced with the Gestapo, Stirlitz snatched
his sword and shouted:
 - Chopped!
 Gestapo chipped in for a ruble, and fled.

 Stirlitz walked through the woods and hit a branch.
Females shrieking fled. Yelp ran first.

 Russian radio operator sbezhala.V Gestapo beat
anxiety. Anxiety has died in silence.

 Stirlitz walked into the office to Bormann and saw him lying 
on the table, but in my head it sticks out the ax.

 "Hang" - thought Stirlitz.

 May the forty-fifth. In the ruins of the Reichstag
is Stirlitz uveshany Soviet orders
and medalyami.Mimo motorcycles Gestapo.
 "Metalist" - thought the Gestapo.
 "Rockers" - thought Stirlitz.


      Vasily Ivanovich and Petka.

 Sit Petka and Chapa palme.Vdrug
Elephant fits and starts to trot tree.
 - Vasily, can have it here
nest?
 - You're a fool, Petka, it lives in a hole!


              *

 Petka and Chapaev go on pustyne.stoit
well.
 - Is there anyone here? - Shouting into a well Chapaev
 - Is there anyone here who is ... There is ...
 - Or maybe not here nukogo?
 - No one here ... no one here ...
 - And can throw a bomb?
 - No one here ... no one here ...

              *

 - Vasily Ivanovich White!
 - Throw a grenade!
 - Hold, Vasily Ivanovich!


              *

 Wrote Chapaev Ordinance.
 - Petya how to spell "Tuesday"
or "vtornek?
 - I do not know, Vasily Ivanovich, now run to
to Furmanov, take a look dictionary.
 Petya had come after some time.
 - Vasily Ivanovich, a word, the letter
"F" in the dictionary does not!
 - ... Yes ... well, okay, I'll write - for a day
early environment.


              *

 Petya runs and joyfully shout:
 - Vasily Ivanovich, I just kolobok
hacked!
 - What kolobok?
 - Yes, I go - I look bun katitsya.Nu I
his sword and slashed
 - Blockhead you, Petya, the same Kotovsky trench digging.


              *

 Ride a camel across the desert, and Petya
Chapaev.
 - Petya see - Haloxylon.
 - It's not Haloxylon, Vasily Ivanovich,
elder.
 - Yes, a hell - a tree.


              *

 - Vasily Ivanovich, and that such a computer?
 - Where did you hear about him?
 - Yes, on the television broadcast.
 - Well, you, Petya, bent, TVs else
not been invented.


              *

 - Vasily Ivanovich, White brought!
 - How many boxes?


              *

 Lies on the stove Chapaev Kavbureau statute reads.
Suddenly flies Petka
 - Vasily, Belyakov went on the attack!
Where the grenade?
 - Over there in the corner is not rising Chapaev. replied 
"When the attack otobesh, positive grenade into place.



              *

 - Vasily Ivanovich, where his wife came to the thee.
 - Firstly, Petya, not to you, but to "you" ...
 - No, Vasily Ivanovich, to us it yesterday
arrived.


              *

 - Vasily Ivanovich, are you talking about mechtesh?
 - About a woman.
 - So go to Anke.
 - Yes was already.


              *

 Petya had come to Chapayev:
 - Vasily Ivanovich, I killed a chicken!
 - What, Petya? Patrons do not have something ...
 - I'm it like a boomerang!
 - Yes! And where did you get it?
 - And on the stove ...
 - So-o .. If once vozmesh with my stove
socks, I'll break your blanket!


              *

 Petka sent in razvetku.Idet it at the enemy village, watching 
the queue and in the early a woman with cancer is also every 
trahaet.Stal Petya and in turn, and then another 
raz.Vozvrashaetsya with the job and at headquarters to 
Chapaevu.Nachal tell what he saw, and here comes Anka

and reports:
 - Quest for the spread of syphilis
among the enemy holds uspeshno.Kakoyto fool even twice in turn 
became. 


              Miscellaneous

 - Papa, which means "stone age"?
 - This means that togta did everything from
stone.
 - All? And TV, too?


              *

 The boy comes home from school his mother asked
 - So who is today called?
 - You, Mum.


              *

 - You are my husband's new secretary?
 - Yes.
 - I hope you are not as energetic as your
predshestvinitsa?
 - And who was my predshestvinitsa?
 - J.


              *

 Chukchi calls to the airport:
 - How many aircraft flying to Chukotka?
 - Wait a minute ...
 - Thank you.


              *

 In a brothel client comes and sees
Circle one mermaid.
 - I would like a woman with her feet! "Says
he said.
 - Today we fish day.


              *

 Wife at midnight, wakes up her husband:
 - Leva, I think, somewhere peeps thinking ...
 - Well, what do you want from me? "So I went
lubricate it?


              *

 - This year I had a great holiday!
 - You've been at sea?
 - No, doma.Na sea traveled with mother-wife.


              *

 - Your wife at home?
 - No, she's at an auction.
 - How much do you want for it to get?


              *

The soldier turned the mug upside down and goes to the ensign.
 - Look, here the top is sealed!
 - An outrage! So here also there is no bottom!


              *


    From the TASS report:
 - Today in the Black Sea struck an iceberg and sank an 
American submarine boat. The team was awarded the Order of the 
iceberg Lenin.



              *

 - Rabinovich, where you take the money?
 - In the nightstand.
 - And who puts them there?
 - My wife.
 - Where is she taking them?
 - I give her.
 - Where do you take them?
 - I've already told you - in the nightstand.


              *

 A call to the KGB.
 - Tell me you did not fly to my parrot?
 - Net.A what?
 - Just so you know I'm not his views
share.


              *

 - Can I swim in this place?
 - I do not advise, the river is teeming with crocodiles.
 - And, where it empties into the sea?
 - There mazhno. There are crocodiles do not appear.
They are afraid of sharks.


              *

 Flying two mosquito. Suddenly, one falls down.
The second asks:
 - What happened?
 - Fly in my eye.


              *

 - My roommate this week, again drove
moonshine - says one farmer to another.
 - How did you decide?
 - And what is it again stuffed rabbits
muzzle my dog.


              *

 Mom returns from the guests and said
Vovochke:
 - Not what you're asleep when Aunt
Sima sang Romas! But you're still awake, when she took the note 
to the top with a cry: "Yes, let the dog into the house!".



              *

 A disciple came home from school, my grandmother asked him:
 - So what are you doing today?
 - We are in chemistry classes were doing experiments with 
explosives.  - And what do you do tomorrow will be in school?

 - In any school, Grandma?


              *

 - How did you spend your vacation?
 - The first half of the mountain.
 - And the second?
 - In a cast.


              *

 Two old Bolshevik:
 - Remember, John, Joe, as we took the winter?
 - Yes, we pogaryachilis then.



   Deducted from various magazines

               and newspapers


 17.04.98 GREY BEETLE.