ZX-News #29 22 апреля 1997

Юмор

Humor - "Stirlitz - Russian SysOp" (Chapter 8 & 9).

                  HUMOR



         SHTIRLITS - RUSSIAN sysop.


              CHAPTER A 8


  "Operation Dubels." What the hell
they had in mind? That these heinous faces
going to do? "Stirlitz sitting at home, at
fireplace, smoking a pipe. On his knees
lying volume Wirth opened a 57 page. Stirlitz for conspiracy 
pretended to read. Nobody should have known

that he is immersed in meditation. "What if
in trade is due to enter Japan or
Uruguay? "


  Stirlitz filled new tube, took a piece of coal from the 
fireplace and lit it, was to let ringlets. He knew that without 
his homeland will be bad. 


  "These bastards something conceived from me
hide, even Muller silent. We need to
all clean and everything is in order. And for this we must 
gather all the top Reich together in the church at Schlag, lure

the presence of their games and toner, and explode! Dynamite I 
have ... " 


  In a head Shtirlitsa drew a clear
plan, now he knew what to do. "And then
I know what a "Operation Dubels and
will report to the center. "


  The doorbell rang.


  - Tell PassWord?


  - PassWord.


  - "Eismann" - thought Stirlitz.


  The maid opened the door.


  - Hello, cutie, - said Eismann,
and, patting her on the cheek, and ran to the bathroom. Out of 
the closet came to light voice:



  - By the way, you have not heard, Stirlitz
Borman indulge in Goring programmki
Disk Manager, and he ruined the memo
Fuehrer!


  Eismann entered the room, adjusting his braces.


  - Ponastavili, scum, pay toilets for 10 kilobytes, I think 
it'll come to give Stirlitz. Where is the floppy you have? 


  Stirlitz nodded at the sideboard.


  Eismann opened a drawer, put a pack
diskettes in the pocket of his uniform and pulled out a floppy
from the already opened boxes.


  The maid, knowing Mr Standartenfuhrer habits, brought in a 
tray with paste.



  - Eismann - asked Stirlitz - as you
attitude towards women?


  - I do not belong to them - Eismann quipped - and when?


  - For example, on Thursday.


  - Where?


  - The BBS of my pastor.


  - In the BBS? - Asked doubtfully Eismann.


  - What? - Said an atheist Stirlitz - He
by Thursday it pereobruduet, Invite More
someone, so you did not gossip.


  - Bormann will invite?


  - Always, without boring.


  Eismann made lists of who to invite and whom not. Stirlitz 
approved both list, knowing full well that those who do not

invited, will form themselves.


  Kogoda Eismann gone Stirlitz again reached for the thin 
little volumes Wirth. 


  - I wonder what he would say about this
Kaltenbruner?


  The clock struck eleven. Five
minute maid knocked on the door to him, who knows the habits 
Shtirlitsa. 



              CHAPTER A 9


  Borman poslyunyavil dodgy keyboard
and handwriting Norton wrote Message Stirlitz.


                        "Dear Shtirlitz!

          I am very interested you. Come today to the

                    Shtandart-Shtrasse, 15.

                           Wait you.

                                               P.N. "


  - Brevity - the sister of talent, - glad Borman and squealing 
with delight, written on the envelope "to someone Stirlitz.



  Borman, all carefully thought out. This is a joke
was to be the apotheosis of his artistic
activity, his swan song. By
the address it was arranged so
that would bring back Shtirlitsa on a stretcher.


  Borman softly grunted and presented in the mind
this picture:


  Stirlitz slicked with a bouquet of roses and in
coat enters the house number 15, the door behind him
closes. Stirlitz gentle voice is calling
in the darkness: "Petenka !!!"... And falls, slipping on a 
grated cleaning liquid sex. In falling, he rubs

printer ribbon, and it falls short CGA-Monitor.

  Big Bormann could not get it. MCGA,
however, he saw at the Goring, but he pissed trick with Disk 
Manager'om, Bormann put out the door. 


  So, as soon as the monitor falls on Shtirlitsa, the door is 
automatically locked, triggered little program nastrochennaya 
hastily in Turbo C, and opens the gas chamber. 


  - XLI, XLI, XLI! - Went from laughing Borman
and stopped short - and that if Stirlitz not understand
What is "P.N."?


  Borman thought. Stirlitz then never
will not go to this address ... Parteigenosse
presented as a house no one enters, the monitor does not drop, 
the gas chamber is idle. But at its test Borman ditched half of 
the 6 th barracks concentration camp Ravensbrück! 


  With anger Borman scratched his bald head until
until it was hit. He re-slaver
keyboard, removed the block with the word "Stirlitz" and drove 
"Stirlitz from Petit Norton. 


  - Now everything is in order!


  Yes, this joke should be the most fun
Bormann joke.


  Parteigenosse stood up and looked at his watch.
It was time to go walk into a party organized by Stirlitz.


  Bormann sat in the car, click on the top
gave the driver to understand that we must go. Machine
gone.


  Drove to the church, Bormann opened the door
and already holding up his foot on the sidewalk, found
I forgot a letter to the floppy drive.

 "In time he remembered - he praised himself, -
sin is still complaining about the memory. "


  He had to return to the disektoy and
why he was late.


  Stirlitz nervous. His absence alarmed Bormann, who was he 
needed to start a planned operation. Close with a thoughtful 
Stirlitz sat Mueller, checking the light cup of paste. 


  - What would you not say Stirlitz -
skeptical he said - and the Bavarian
paste three times better zhigulevskogo.


  - Clear the stump - burknul Shtirits - but where
Borman same? I suppose you thought again about the next
disgusting!


  - Oak clear - agreed Muller -
It can not be without this.


  "And here the oak?" - Thoughtful Stirlitz.
This is the word he had heard. And then he figured it out. 
After all, "the oaks" in German - "Dubels! A it was the name of 
the mysterious operation of the Wehrmacht, on finding out where 
he long struggled. Shtirlitsa knocked plural

number.


  "Something associated with oak trees!" Well, now I have
They all elicited. "


  - Oak? - Asked Stirlitz.


  - Yes, yes, this, with branches ...


  - By the way, Mueller, and how, then multiply the oaks?


  - Ask Kaltenbrunner.


  - And would he say?


  - No one knows what will Kaltenbrunner - philosophically 
spoken Muller. - A vsezhtaki, Stirlitz, what would you not say, 
Bavarian paste even six times better zhigulevskogo.



  - Clear the stump - Stirlitz grunted and fell silent.


  Shtirlitsa wandered around in circles admired Himmler's 
adjutant Fritz, carefully listening to every word of their idol.



  - Clear the stump - he was taking notes.


  English agent photographed because
Altar page notebook Fritz.


  The room was pretty small officers.
Most wanted to try his hand at
the role of the confessors, and they dispersed to
small room with parishioners Pastor
Schlag. Others amused themselves as best they could.


  Goering and Goebbels shook hands for the
feet Schellenberg, Himmler and thought:


  - Ayn, Zvi, drei!


  Somewhat dissatisfied Schellenberg, shouting,
that he was ready to erase the screw for the great Fuhrer, flew 
over the altar and saddled British agent.



  - H-DNA! - Yelled Schellenberg - squadron for me!


  English agent for the conspiracy did
pretend that he did not notice anything.


  Goering and Goebbels dragged Schellenberg
from the agent, and again heard:


  - Ayn, Zvi, drei!


  Agent prudently slipped behind the curtain.


  Eismann and Holthoff absorbed a huge hard drive, washed down 
with toner. 


  - A-ah! - Was heard over the ear Shtirlitsa. Not a muscle 
moved on the face Russian spy. Well, of course, is

was Bormann.


  "It's time to go" - thought Stirlitz. He
Mueller remained to lead and pastor, Schlag,
and could explode.


  Picking his teeth, Borman called:


  - Stirlitz, I must tell you something
interesting ...


  - Borman, and as propagated oaks?


  Bormann was taken aback.


  - Well, it ... - He made a vague
gesture of his hands - a programmer lab results, and it ...... 
- Borman reiterated his gesture.



  - Clearly, - nodded Stirlitz - you too
do not know. What do you think, where the oaks
multiply rapidly in Russia or Germany?


  - Do not worry, you Stirlitz! Vyvezut
All "Microsha from Russia! Already the train goes.


  Stirlitz leaned back in his chair.


  "The train! Vyvezut from Russia!" Yes, but
whereas in Russia violated technical balance, and we, the 
Russian SysOp'y came down with crazy! "



  - Stirlitz - muttering all Borman - move away, I should tell 
you something important ... 


  - Stop it - waved Stirlitz.


  His head was huge Thinking
work. Stirlitz realized that to save "Microsha"
much more important than destroying a handful of drunken 
officers, who are already ever die.



  Borman, seeing that Stirlitz not up to it,
looked around and said Fritz.


  "Himmler's adjutant," - he thought, and called out:


  - Fritz! For a minute!


  And grasping fingers of the brass buttons on
adjutant's uniform, hot, whispered:


  - Fritz! You want to help Stirlitz?


  - Clear the stump! This is my best friend. I
Saw him on the brotherhood.


  - You see, in Shtirlitsa contract
Norton ...


  - I understand - Fritz nodded.


  - And on this visit he Kaltenbruner.
Misfortune can happen, we must save Shtirlitsa!


  - I'm ready - stretched Fritz.


  - Transmit Stirlitz this file.


  Borman dismissed the button on his uniform, Fritz and 
secretly slipped him into his bosom a floppy disk. 


  Stirlitz way to the exit. Winged
Fritz caught him just at the door.


  - Mr. Standartenfiihrer, I must ...


  - Nothing you I do not have to! - Pushed
it Stirlitz - Drunk Pig!


  On the street to Stirlitz stuck patrol.


  - Allow the documents, sir -
said the bald Cpl.


  - @ # %$%#$# $ @ #% $ #%% # $ # $ # %%%%!... -
Stirlitz was no time.


  The corporal opened the Russian-German phrase book.


  - Oh, it's Stirlitz - he said, looking
after departing scout.


  "Am I drunk a pig?" - Surprised Fritz
leaning against the curtains. He started getting confused 
thoughts. 


  English agent watched closely
current events. He came from behind
drapes, and adjusting apron, coquettishly
called:


  - Mr. Himmler's adjutant, could not
Would you give me a few minutes?


  - Excuse me, Fraulein, but I need to save
Shtirlitsa.


  Blow a professional boxer, "Fraulein" adjutant toppled to the 
floor. Rubbing his hands and bruised fist agent crouched over 
lifeless body and habitually familiar with the contents of his 
pockets. In addition to the letter he brought twenty bytes, 
listing all the BBS and distribution Turbo Professional.



  After reading the file, the agent congratulated himself
increasing and successful operation
in Berlin. No wonder he was so many days disguised woman.


  Standard on-Strasse agent quickly found
Building 15.


  - That's it - he said to himself an agent and
went into the house.


  The door closed behind him. It was the most
Bormann successful joke ...



      End of adventures Shtirlitsa

    in the next issue ZxNews!


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