ZX-News #28 22 апреля 1997

Юмор

Humor - "Stirlitz - Russian SysOp" (Chapter 6).

                  HUMOR



         SHTIRLITS - RUSSIAN sysop.


              CHAPTER A 6


  Stirlitz was born in January, but his day
Birth marks the first of May to show their solidarity with the 
international working class. Last year on this day He invited 
one Müller, but heinous initiative of Himmler to his home 
showed up the whole top of the Reich, who believed my duty to 
congratulate him on holiday, and each, how would mocking, gave a

GIF-ovsky picture of Stalin, the tarpaulin
boots lined with floppy, then the total
Collected Works of Kernighan and Ritchie in
two volumes in Chinese, and Borman
even worthy to give his old lab. This Stirlitz not forgive him
smog technician, he immediately handed the Schellenberg, which 
in this mixed with Bormann in Toner little purgenu. Only one 
kind and intelligent Mueller presented Stirlitz

binder French pornography for 1917
year.

  Everything would have been nice if the officers did not
ukushalis to pig, and do not have dirtied Stirlitz entire 
apartment. Stirlitz was not sorry for the broken monitor, 
Super-VGA, Dig the drive, formatted

hard drive and deleted files, but it was
matter of principle, and this time Stirlitz invite anyone did 
not. He was on all sides thought about their situation and 
foresight decided to celebrate his birthday at his dacha in 
society Pastor Schlag and his parishioners thereby hiding from 
uninvited guests. 


  Table set by the letter "W". Pleased
Stirlitz generously handed out instructions, and although
no one listened, he felt the big boss. Agents Pastor Schlag,
dressed in white aprons, bustled to
the kitchen, setting the table with delight listened carefully 
to every word Standartenfuhrer. 

  English agent, made-up under
woman and also in white apron, carefully masked in the corners 
of the microphones. Heart he sang. He finally went to the very

Shtirlitsa.

  A bus with women came just three
an hour ago. Curious female faces vyglyadovali from the windows 
of the bus for them to released Shtirlitsa meeting. He was 
wearing a robe, thrown open to his hairy chest, his head was 
stretched mesh. Why, Stirlitz not knew, but he had seen exactly 
the same at Schellenberg. Today Stirlitz again took a bath. 
Pastor Schlag got out of the cab and gave honor.


 - How much? - Asked Stirlitz, throwing
A quick look at the bus.

 - Twenty-four.

 - Three-byte - glad Stirlitz.

 - Twenty-three agents tested, and one
newcomer - said Pastor Schlag, rosy-cheeked, smiling.

 - Commands - allowed Stirlitz. Pastor
Schlag scored a deep breath and preprotivnym voice shouted:

 - In single file gets!

 - Stand, is ... - To withdraw
echoes in the bushes, and something rustled. Women
giggling and talking, got out of the bus, and twenty minutes 
later the pastor managed to build them. Stirlitz took the form 
of combat, and said: 

 - On the first, second, to calculate! The first
rooms - the kitchen, the latter - to lay the
table.


  Women scurried hither and thither, and Shtilits and
Pastor played Snap on schelbany.

  When everything was covered, Stirlitz villages in
head of the table, and straightened the white pastor Schlag
shirt front and lifted a glass of champagne.

  Suddenly, in the yard zaurchal motor. Stirlitz
looked out the window. With the SX-drove up and get down 
Bormann. Cottage was cordoned off by the SS. The SS men were 
sitting on all the trees, in bushes, on the roof and other 
interesting places. Practical Schellenberg like zastich 
Shtirlitsa surprise and even last week ordered surround the 
cottage. 

  With the SX-slipped and Himmler and Goebbels, and
Stirlitz juicy spat on had only just washed the floor. Himmler, 
already decent dial (on the way they stopped at a women's 
concentration camp commandant and gave them nalivochkoy), 
Goebbels argued that Stirlitz will be three times more pleasant 
if the SX will call directly into the house. Stirlitz able to 
keep their feelings.


 - Have been infected!
He grabbed a bottle of champagne and threw his
monitor. Showered with debris.

 - I also do not like champagne - said
approached Mueller. The officers cheerfully took their seats at 
the table, hugging parishioners Pastor Schlag. Borman reached 
for Turbo C + + and overturned Larry. Mueller raised Stirlitz

bouquet of red disks.

 - Offered - shouted Goebbels - to drink
a true patriot of the Reich, the SS Standartenfuhrer von 
Shtirlitsa! 

 - Heil Stirlitz! - Shouted the guests. Grim Stirlitz one after 
the other was eating from a large silver dish dumplings with 
chips. Schellenberg stood up, reached for piece of the hard 
drive. Borman planted him big button. Schellenberg jumped to

ceiling and landed on the table, knocking over
Himmler on a three-liter jar with toner.
Himmler was not taken aback, did not figure out who
it did, given the nose sitting next to Goring. He tipped his 
chair. 


  Stirlitz Mueller poured another pile
toner. Inverted Goering crawled to the table
and tried to get up. Getting up, he caught
head per foot of Goebbels, who uttered a toast, and lifted him 
over the table. Goebbels did not understand anything, "yelled" 
at Help! ", and fell on the table. Women have gone

laughter. Mueller poured Stirlitz another stack of toner. 
Goebbels, please person in the dish with the Finnish paper, 
trying to prove to know nothing about the superiority of the 
Aryan race sheets over all others and agitated recorded in the 
"Hitler Youth". 


  Ukushavshiysya aide to Himmler staggered
Stirlitz approached and began to congratulate him
birthday.
 - I admire you, Mr. Standartenfiihrer! You - my ideal systemic 
... uk! ... Nogo programmer!

They drank brotherhood.


  Mueller, who liked sitting next to the blonde, looked at his 
watch and said:  - I think we ought to F10.


Himmler stood up and shook the nose Shtirlitsa forefinger:
 - And yet, Stirlitz, you big Pig,
We tried to Escape at the cottage ...

 - Come on, Undo fast! - Indignant drunk adjutant and slapped 
across the face Himmler. 


  Drunk Borman went around the table and take turns
tried to make acquaintance with the women. From
He carried with vodka and garlic, and women with
disgust repelled him. English
agent hid from Bormann under the table. Not
empty-handed, Bormann sat down with Pastor Schlag.

 - B-Borman - Borman said, holding out
sweaty palms. They met and drank.
Ate. Still drunk. Soon after Pastor Schlag,
pulling up in third with Bormann, sang:
 - From Moscow to the Atlantic ...


  Wolf, Holtof and Von Shvartskopfman downloaded preference. 
Bullet written in chalk on the keyboard. Von Shvartskopfman 
lost and swearing. They crowded around the most women, they 
excitedly watched the game and prompted hapless Von 
Shvartskopfmanu. 

  Himmler became ill, he crawled under the table
and fell asleep, surpassing British agent.


  Stirlitz remembered that it had
birthday. He looked with disgust
room and realized that a holiday spoiled.

  "They would gather all the snakes somewhere ...
Not in my country house ... And set fire to the wick of yashika 
with dynamite ... "- wearily thought Stirlitz. He spat at 
Hering, grabbed a bottle of toner, and went a toilet break from 
the vulgar noise. From the table got an agent and English

crawled on their bellies in the same direction.


  Toilet Shtirlitsa was trimmed Yugoslav
tiles. Beside the pool stood a blue
Finnish monitor VGA. Stirlitz sat down and leaned his cheek on 
his fist and thought, looking at reproductions of paintings by 
Levitan, "Russian :-) 8. Stirlitz remembered his native 
village, a stack of snow, a girl with a birthmark on her left 
breast. "Damn - thought Stirlitz - circle

Some Jews! "


  And then it occurred to congratulate the Centre on his 
birthday. Stirlitz tried to recall where he had last time

stuck modem. Or under sink or in the
tank he was not found. But in the toilet bowl found something 
similar. At least it was something with the quality mark. 


  "Felix on Shtirlitsa. Top Secret - handed Stirlitz plaintext 
- congratulations on his birthday, wish you happiness in your 
work and personal life. Stirlitz. "


Center is not answered.

"They went to sleep there or what?" - Thought Stirlitz and 
repeated the message. It seemed that in the center is to 
celebrate a birthday, kicked and sleep. Stirlitz disappointed 
that there kicked without him, and turned off the modem.



  "Ponaveshali here!" - He pulled the rope, tank zaurchal. 
English agent for door was replaced by cassette. Unsatisfied

Stirlitz kicked the door down, the door hit
agent on the nose, and Stirlitz, forgetting the bottle
Toner went to the table. Agent, rubbing his swollen nose, went 
to the toilet. 


  "Where is he hiding the modem?" The agent began to look
and found a bottle of toner. Borman, watered
Pastor Schlag, so that he fell under the table
tied his shoelaces to the table leg and rubbing his hands, out 
of habit went to the toilet. In WC English agent drank toner.


 - P-Pardon me, madam, - said Borman, shut the door and stared 
blankly at the letter "M". "We Shtirlitsa mixed signs on the 
doors. On the ladies' room hangs a sign "M". Here

need to think about. What to say about this
Kaltenbruner? "Thoughtful Bormann weighed
the pros and cons, three fingers bent and
changed labels. Then he thought he had done good work, and 
changed the signs back. 

 - I like to order - he said aloud, and entered through another 
door. There was a shriek, and Bormann came out with handprints 
on the right cheek. "@#%$#%$@@#$%#@#$%%#@!, - Thought

Borman, - do not understand! "And resentful
Bormann went into the garden.


  In the hall everything was asleep. Gen. Von Shvartskopfman 
sleep muttering: "Six pikey - Stalingrad. Where are you from 
bubyami, your not climb ... " 


  And only Stirlitz sat in the corner and the light floor lamp 
reading Esenina.  - "No, I did not interrupt you - so I said

in fact, and not one, but hundreds of ticks -
And you - and do not want to believe ... "


              CHAPTER A 7


  Meeting with the new lab has been appointed to the beach. 
Previous lab Shtirlitsa suddenly went on maternity leave and 
she was sent to the Great Exhibition Center. Stirlitz very 
lacking in lab and in the center, it was decided send a new one.


  In order not to attract attention, not Stirlitz
began to walk along the beach in a uniform, and the section
and decided to swim. Hot sun poured
earth with its rays, like boiling water, and from
the thought of bathing has become easy and pleasant to the soul.

  Holding two fingers to nose dive Stirlitz
into the water. The water was warm, clear, and he
allowed myself to soak for several minutes.
Stirlitz lay on his back and lightly ruffled
fingers.

  An hour later, looking at his watch, he got
from the water. He went into the booth, squeezed my family 
panties and combed. He walked along the beach, whistling, as 
had been agreed with center, the "Internationale" and among many

girls tried to find a Russian lab,
relying on their intuition. Shtirlitsa intuition has never 
failed. 


  Russian radio operator was standing at the beer stand
in brightly-red bikini with napisyu Turbo Basic on the left 
chest. In one hand she holding the Computer Press, and in 
another - box with the modem and print dress.

Stirlitz three times walked around beer
stall. Surveillance was not. He could not risk a new agent. 
Radio operator Stirlitz liked. 

 - Could you tell me what time it is? - Asked
he said. It was the password.

 - I left my watch in Moscow - with a willingness to answer 
radio operator. Stirlitz took her arm and they walked along the 
beach. 

 - Tan? - Radio operator nodded.

  They swim to the buoys, sunbathe, talked about the weather in 
Moscow, and sent to the Message Center on the successful 
arrival of a lab assistant. Stirlitz told her a couple of 
anecdotes system. She laughed gently, and Stirlitz invited her 
to a restaurant. 

 - One moment, I just change my clothes. -
Stirlitz drove home, and exactly one minute
came in black, just laundered
coat. This with him does not happen with the 39 th
year. When a civilian radio operator with Stirlitz
went into the restaurant, the room swept surprised groan. On 
bent legs jumped cheeky waiter with Jewish physiognomy. 

 - You, as always, Mr. Standartenfiihrer? Decanter toner and 
paper roll? - Stirlitz bent radio operators: 

 - Do you want paper? - She shook her head.

 - Squirt - boiled Stirlitz - what are you,
cattle, can not you see that I'm a lady?
To atone for his blunder, ofitsant adulatory giggled and nasty 
voice asked: 

 - You have a brand new again?

 - Yes. Brand-new lab - said
Stirlitz. He otbral a lady keyboard and said "*. exe".

 - We have this ... And more ...

 - I understand - a knowing grin ofitsant and ran to the 
kitchen. 

 - What do you mean, you scoundrel? - Cried
Stirlitz pursuit - toner to me and champagne lady! And to this 
minute! He turned to the radio operator.


 - Waiters in Germany are Pig, you have it
excuse me. - And Stirlitz kissed his hand radio operator. The 
whole room was sitting with sagging jaws. Pakistani spy shot 
this incredible event on camera. 

  Gestapo agent picking his nose: "A
that say about this Kaltenbruner? "

  Two esesovtsev, expecting a fight, got
recently purchased printers. All were
in agonizing suspense.

  Stirlitz commissioned the waltz from Weird Dream and
invited the radio operator on the tour.

  "Well, now begin!" - Rubbed his hands
SS. Now they were all clear. But
waltz ended, Stirlitz lady spent on
place, but still there was no fighting and no. The regulars 
were quite shocked when Stirlitz paid his bill, and offered his 
hand lady headed for the exit. SS said that it was not 
Stirlitz, and someone else. Gestapo agent said, and a minute 
later a fight broke out. 

  Machine Shtirlitsa stopped at the house in
which Stirlitz rented an apartment for his
new employee. Stirlitz helped the lady out
and they rose to the third floor.

 - What to do with it? - Asked the technician,
lifting a heavy suitcase with a modem PhysTech
1200.

 - Put on the mezzanine - said softly
Stirlitz - and I svara glue.
Radio operator went into the room, changed into
the form of Lieutenant Signal Corps, sat down at the table, 
took out the magnet, and spat at him, beginning to clean. 
Stirlitz entered with a tray glue and sat in front. Know thus 
glue, They listened to Tchaikovsky.


 - Well, I must go, - hurried Stirlitz.
He did not want to leave, and he is playing for time.

 - Well, I went. - Radio operator with a sigh.

 - And maybe even glue? - Asked Stirlitz and shy as a 
schoolboy. Radio operator nodded, and he stayed. 

 - What is your name? - Asked Stirlitz.

 - Kate.

 - Katyusha, then! Good name. Purely
Russian. And me - Stirlitz ...


          To be continued ...

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