RIP #05 20 декабря 1997

Юмор

Marazm - Do not drink if you want to go tomorrow morning for a tour.

(C) Werewolves

-: Oh, Sevastopol! Nice city! Every summer, our theater rides
back to gastroli.I every time I carried away from there (along 
with several liters of wine:)) a lot of memories and 
impressions. But the last time was ... In general the saga of 
how the Werewolves on the tour traveled to Yalta ... 

 - But I tell you, I have money! - Zabara took out a pack of 
the hryvnia. We Glebychem looked at each other, the evening 
promised to be memorable. Two "Golden Beams," created in the 
head light chaos, but soul required of the holiday.

 - Igor, can then at least eat what we choose - I suggested.
 - Deonisy! - Glebych evil looked at me - That's the same fat 
and bread is, you is not?

 - Well? - I hesitated.
 - Glebych! Dennis says it under wine needs chocolate!
 - Well then there and the girls! - Baritone laugh Glebych.
 - Oleg Glebych, all will be! - Zabara winked at me and I began 
to wear shoes.  - I'm with you! - Glebych groped under the sofa.

 - Glebych, yes we Denis twice as fast as we reach!
 - You want to hurt me? - Glebych wore shoes and stood up - 
let's go together!  Going down the stairs "Yenisei", uneven 
steps, we went to a night of Sevastopol. City at 23:00 was 
already empty. All the campers were or at discotheques or in 
hotels. Local residents were either at home or in the narrow 
streets smoking Schmal. Finding the "Grafskaya harbor "five 
night stalls, we have heated debates that take: Glebych 
commanding voice wanted more "Golden Beams." Zabara wanted 
something exotic, but I was anyway, anyhow only wine was not 
sweet.  - Good day, comrades! - We looked around. Three patrol 
in the Marine uniform with red bands on their arms, with 
interest at We watched - Deboshir?

 Word, if not strange, I took the - No, we did it from Minsk
and a little arguing, some wine here you better.
 - But time later, and you can argue and are quieter - 
suspiciously sniffing, said the senior.

 - "If they have now zagrebut ... Mama Mia! Scandal will be!" -
flashed in my head. And indeed it was something to fear.
Although a half liter of wine for three and a little, but we 
were good. But then something unexpected happened, one of the 
patrol began to look closely to Glebychu.  - Tell me, you do 
not accidentally shot in the movie?  - I? - Glebych assumed a 
dignified air, proud of spark gushed from his eyes and 
commander's voice began to list the names of movies, not 
forgetting to mention their title of National Artist.  Patrol 
as a substitute. They were vying with each other to remember 
the role of which was filmed Glebych and ask for autographs. 
We, meanwhile, accustomed to such recognition in the streets, 
began to choose wine.  - Take the "Crimean port, you will not 
regret, - has advised one of the patrol.

 - And he sweet? - I asked.
 - Well not really, but delicious.
 - Grab! - Zabara was regarded as a necessary displacement for 
three. Not forgetting to take two bars of chocolate, we were 
stuffing five 07-Faust with blood-red contents.

 From the first sip, I realized that I drink something really 
drop dead, but extremely sweet.

 - Ah! A powerful thing! - Drank in small sips, admired
Zabara.
 - This money could be taken as the "Golden Bullock" ...
 - Glebych, so tired of it already, it is at least pleasant to 
drink! - I said and began to seize up wine ... lard.  - Well, 
chocolate? - Glebych grinned.  - We'll make it - after drinking 
a glass of wine in one gulp and Zaev his next slice of bacon - 
I said.  - It may have already cleaned and onions? - Became a 
pin up Zabara.  - Can and onions! - I was vseravno, sweet wines 
I dokanali on the second day of stay in Sevastopol.  - Deonisy, 
you tomorrow on the same tour - recalled Glebych.  - Oh damn! 
Exactly! - I poured a glass of the fourth and reached on the 
second shelf. Head rustled, not sleepy, but tomorrow I had to 
be normal. During this tour, I like the last idiot pay 25 UAH, 
that equals fifteen bucks. Of course, that I was not able to 
sleep. Until thunder and boiling bottles, I have repeatedly 
dragged down to help. " When finished, there were expected in 
the beginning, the girls' esche'm "... 

 At half past five in the morning with dullness in the eyes and 
head, I finally was on his shelf. I had to sleep only four 
hours. In 8:30 I woke up, our wardrobe mistress and her 
daughter derektrisy tender:  - Denis, the rise!

 Deniska, uttering inarticulate sounds, and began to pull
over the jeans, shirt and sunglasses. Looking at his face in
the mirror, I realized that now I only need sleep. Sweet idea 
to send a trip away and lay down to sleep, it was forgotten as 
soon as I realized that for her, I gave half of their money.  
Once again the "Grafskaya Havens," I just do not poplohelo, as 
soon as I caught sight of the ill-fated stalls. But it was with 
her went "Ikarus" at Yalta.

 - "Well, slavnenko, blockages in the chair and going to sleep" 
- I decided, but cool oblamalsya. We got seats in the minibus 
to eight people. Do not know if it is good or bad, but I got an 
individual passenger's seat ... 

 - And here is a "Pharos" - turned to me and pointed his finger 
drove in Gorbachev's dacha, by which we passed.  - What? What 
is it? - Began to ask me Luda wardrobe mistress.  - And here is 
a "Pharos" - to get more air, I shouted and poked finger in the 
glass. Behind the people roared with approval and heard 
Phrases: "Gorbachev's dacha," "There's probably all made of 
gold!" etc.  No sooner had I zakimarit again, as I drove was 
the bother and says that at this turn of his minibus just could 
not bear the last time into the abyss.

 - What? Where? - Again became pester me Luda.
 Rolling his eyes that I had urine was shouting: - Citizens of 
the passengers, We have just crossed a very dangerous turn last 
time, our car almost flew down and only thanks to masterful 
skill driver, minibus with passengers remained safe!  
Passengers died away, and drove indefinitely chuckled.  - 
"Well, now I have them all stuffed up," - glad I closed my 
eyes.  - Comrade guide - tapped me from behind - and why we

then pass on such a dangerous road?
 - "Got involved, I am now the guide!" - I was wrong.
 - Yes, then the landslide was - replied, and drove like an 
idiot, I yelled his words on the whole salon. Passengers 
relieved and steel remembered as: "And I was once with apple 
zvezdanulsya ...", or" That live, live, and suddenly, boom! And 
all ...". In general to "Glade of fairy tales" I had to work a 
megaphone ... 

 - At your disposal is 1 hour, then all go to "Nikita Gardens"
Please do not delay - said the aunt, who apparently
was then the most important.
 - Denis, you'll have to photograph - cheered me Maroussia, a 
daughter of our derektrisy.  - Aha ... - The only thought I had 
found here and toilet try poblevat. With a dull complexion and 
crazy revolution in the stomach, I went to the "Glade of fairy 
tales." Bunch of kids led me to state close to fainting. Damned 
spinogryzy yelled so that my head was splitting at the seams. 
Leaning on a copper Bagheera I felt that I felt better and I 
decided posmotretet damn clearing.  - ... Teremok! Remember 
kids fairy tale? - Sweet voice asked tour guide, dressed in a 
fairy-tale fairy. But because not Deveci size, it was more like 
an old gypsy woman, a beggar.  - Yes! - Shouted roundnose 
children.  - Well, then our handyman (First, of course, can not 
remember) especially for you, 19? year, one ax hewed this 
Teremok. In the time of creation attics, he used the same 
varnish as ...  That used the popular craftsman yet, I not 
listening, because sladkoslaboumny voice guide, fairy brought 
me into the deepest depression, and I again became ill. 
Deciding to roll away from the tour, I was himself to watch all 
the sights. Near a certain freak which is a fabulous guide 
named Aquarius, I saw a lake goldfish. Children dibilno opened 
his mouth, looked at what Uncle fixer, as very similar to me, 
pushing the a lever and a drunken voice Sippel:

 - That, children, our Neptune welcomes you - and then out of
Neptune in the lake water outflow.
 - Mom, he otpisyalsya? - Quietly asked a toddler. Mom, densely
blushing, cracked a child on the behind.
 - Definitely he unsubscribed - blurted out I could not resist. 
Parents one and all, looked at me.

 - Looks like - I added. Tour demonstratively swung,
left me alone with Neptune. Looking around, I scooped up some 
cold water and moistened his shirt on his chest and washed his 
face. Little better, but the stomach was sobbing.

 Searching for his, I found them near the hut on chicken legs.
All that Ms. Gypsy sweetly explained that the hut until
does not work, since it broke yesterday Ivan Tsarevich. That 
forest Sprites repair it. And indeed, under the hut lay a 
goblin, who like two drops of water was like a lineman near 
Neptune. With an insane person he is hitting on one leg. It 
seemed to me that this is he did yesterday and that's why hut 
ceased to spin.  - But Baba Yaga, the children can come to you. 
Do you?  - Da-aaa - not neatly provereschali children.

 - Then we have to call it ...
 Charter of the stand, I sat next to the hut on the railing. 
Children, and in the end fallen into childhood parents named 
Baba Yaga. Crone hard refused to leave. I have already started 
to think that Ivan Tsarevich, in addition to the cabin, and to 
mock at her.  - Oho-ho! - Croaked right above the ear - do not 
give me the old to sleep - I turned around. Directly over, I 
stood on the guy with zakatanymi knee tights and sneakers. On 
top he wore tattered sundress polka dot and the head adorned 
absolutely crazy wig. I almost fell in the sludge, the 
spectacle was tremendous. Homeless look and then stylish.

 - Well, sho? - From Odessa accent asked, smiling broadly, an 
old woman - you're from? From what kingdom?  Children stupidly 
silent.  - From Minsk will, - I replied.

 - About out of Minsk! - Dude razyavil mouth in a crazy smile - 
yes, letyvala I'm in your region ... - Yaga pains for a long 
time about how in our kingdom, Minsk rotten doing her favorite 
cheesecake with chelovechenkoy and what's more, it will not fly 
there - Do you want the news to you tell? Snickers went up! A 
Mars cheaper! - Quipped dude.

 Some child cried.
 - Okay, I will go. And then I have there Ilya Murom foothills.
 Absolutely ofanorev from such mediocre games, I decided to wait
the next group. History repeated one to one. Again stupid
children are not told where they are and I again said that from 
Minsk. Dude was again grovel about donuts, sneakers and Ilya of 
Murom, which he is not strange, is baked in a microwave oven.  
Beheld that our sent to the exit, I trudged behind.  - Sorry, 
but there is a toilet? - I asked, unable to restrain a young 
Snow White.  - How to get out, just right - a copper voice 
saleswoman, she sent me Snow White.  Toilet did not meet my 
expectations. Barf not like the wine sunk already to be and I 
had a real brutal hangover, interspersed with Smaghi ...


 - Wait for me here, I'm going to finish - Auntie-organizer 
went to argue with stupid ticket collector, who refused to We 
let in the Nikita Botanical Garden. "  Advantage of a pause, 
all rushed to buy ice cream. Digging in his pocket I found 
three of the hryvnia. Stalls were hefty packages of pepper 
potato chips. Deciding that I now will save only food, I took 
half a meter bag of chips and a liter of mineral water.  - Come 
on in, all right!  We are a friendly crowd stormed the gate. 
While we waited for the conductor, kids gobbled ice cream and 
dropped their wrappers in the grass. I began to absorb the 
chips and drink their water ... 

 - And here is a bamboo grove, the growth rate of bamboo ... 
Well? - a young boy who barely graduated from school, 
recruiting looked at our stupid faces.

 - 90 inches a day - I'm loud blestnul knowledge. Boy
happily nodded, and the audience watched with respect to my
side.
 - Exactly! Go ahead - we are again, like a flock of sheep 
rushed the narrow dorozhke.Tihy speech was covered by my 
audience with a loud crunch, chew chips and gurgle of mineral 
water.  - One moment comrades! - We closed the road 
photographer - just 15 UAH, you can buy here is this picture - 
It turns out that the guerrilla sfotil us while we stood at the 
entrance. In the corner of this masterpiece sitting Denis and 
zadranoy head-up, drinking mineral water. Looking at myself, I 
was horrified: fixer, forcing Neptune pee! One to one. 
Naturally photographer nichrome not Oblomov and everything came 
to a clearing with roses.  As previously failed a biologist, I 
have a couple of times blestal his knowledge plant fauna than 
won sympathy boy conductor. He was constantly looking in my 
direction ischya support.  Ate all the chips and drinking all 
the water, I felt that life was not so bad. Smaga disappeared 
hangover lightly dismissed. And in the end just went to the 
shower. The only person who mad he was glad I was. Completely 
wet, I got into the car and went to the Swallow's Nest. "

 But by the time I have become easy and the subsequent events 
do not evoked in me, so many emotions as before. Therefore, I 
stop a protracted story, and I go to drink beer;). 

 The conclusion from all this is simple: "Do not drink if 
tomorrow morning you have to go on a tour :)"...