Born Dead #0G 31 марта 2000

Юмор

dare - Swan Song oilman: Review of the movie "Armageddon."

ЇЄ ЄєЇ laugh:) ЇєЄ ЄєЇ


 ... I wish I had today on this and finish, but it is
 accidentally dug priyatstvenny tekstik in the form of excerpts 
from  novel ... :)



(C) AJ Live


                   Swansong oilman


               Review of the movie "Armageddon"

USA, 1998
Director - Michael Bay
Cast: Bruce Willis
Steve Busey, Liv Tyler, Peter Stomare.


                     Another end of the world


   As we know from reliable sources, parallel end
twentieth century must come to an end. Stepping it
should the whole civilized world, where it is very welcome. Do 
not wait its only in Japan, China, India, Thailand, Central 
Asia, Middle East and on some islands of African life

continent. Do not wait for the reason that it is not unaware of 
his offensive. Inhabitants of these places are imprudent to 
believe in their gods and keep count of the days starting from 
the other date, not delving into the problems of the Christian 
religion. Apparently they did not notice. We can only wait and 
prepare. 


   Kolosalnuyu preparatory work for the end of the world have 
long is "Hollywood." Americans actively train on any

case, and, naturally, by the end of the world everything should 
be ready the best way. Superobschestvo should know exactly 
where he should stay and what to do when it's payback

for their sins. As a student allowances, one after another go
with kinokonveyera movies, disaster, eclipsing each other
of destruction and bloodshed. "Hollywood is needed
blood, for America and it happens a little interesting that the
a huge population, consisting mostly of presidents
managers, bank clerks, strippers, drug addicts,
killers and respectable farmers, insanely boring to live in
under the law. As in the old days, ordinary people need
spectacle. And "Hollywood" provides them with spectacles.


   So back to our sheep. Cinema as a movie. Giant
an asteroid the size of Texas (note that not Greenland
and, moreover, not from the Kola Peninsula) rushes to the 
ground, spitting fire on their way prominences ....



   (Anton little posmakoval word "protuberances" and presented 
as they fly away. Flew great.)



   ... After passing through the asteroid meteor ring
the vicinity of Saturn, part of small meteorites breaks with
its orbit and is bombarding the Earth, namely, New York, partly
turning it into smoke and ashes. America is in shock. Supposed
Russian nuclear bombing, which, fortunately for America
not confirmed. "NASA reaches out and, after a short
time in the near space reveals supersteroid (naturally,
not just an asteroid). Calculate its trajectory, keeping in 
stock products of Bill Gates, not a problem, and soon the light 
nasovskim head becomes clear that the healthy thing to face

Earth in two weeks. So, the day of Armageddon is clear. Remains
or pay for the sins, either - look for a hero.


   (Grizov paused for a moment and counted their verses.
Liked it. Started well. He praised a historic Hay yes
Gerizim, ah yes son of a bitch ", glanced at his watch, and 
became write more.)



   ... It's clear who should want to pay for their sins. Here
here that, according to the canons, and you should see a 
superman. And he naturally appears. No, not guessed, it's not 
Schwarzenegger. This - Bryuss Willis, in the form of the head 
of the oil company and the boss drilling platform. Gently 
clean-shaven, all the winds prosolenny oilman who amuses, 
trying to shoot a gun fiance of his daughter and scatter golf 
balls ship Greenpeace. Such a hero far more interesting to 
American, and any other ordinary people than the group trained 
astronauts by NASA, for the preparation of which It took an 
astronomical amount of dollars. Gone, so gone. To hell with 
him. Not in money luck America! Only, but fatal Astronauts 
error lies in the fact that - they do not OILMEN! A the 
protagonist of "Armageddon" must be able to drill. For 
ingenious plan to save the Earth, developed by NASA, is just is 
to send to intercept an approaching Asteroid two space shuttle 
with the oil companies on board drill a hole there, put it in 
an atomic bomb, and fly blow up all to hell!



   (Anton again pulled away from the screen. "About Petroleum. 
- A good. "- he thought.)



   After some hesitation (the asteroid still goes on)
Chief Specialist of NASA selects a group of oil companies led by
B. Willis. Selects the group name, because one of Bruce there
refused to fly. Save the earth alone can only
the usual action movie, but not in the seminal horror stories, 
superzadacha which bring happiness to the world with the latest 
American technology. In order to show how much technology

hero needs a team. It is necessary also because he was born a
American. And if so, make sure you need a team. Americans
can not do anything without a team, they definitely need to feel
same team-spirit, without which they feel as if
dressed on a nudist beach. And suddenly, someone asks how much
stars in the sky or how many will be six-eight? What do you do?
A team manage somehow.


   Russian, by the way, teams do not. He and one
well get out. Americans - is collective. In America
say: not good to be different. Well, not good, so do not
well. Only the team must match for the hero and the answer
conditions of the genre: it is strong and funny guys without 
tupenkie specific plans for the future. Love to drink and sex 
and love drill down, to make it big hole, love to drive

on "Harley Davidson" moving away from the police to enter his 
stimulators milking horses and baldeyut of all mechanical 
rattles as Papuan from the radio.



   (Anton looked out the window. The morning sun timidly flared.
Along the building has already amended saunter granny with 
wheelchair vygulivaya grandchildren. Nearby, on a fallen 
telegraph column were two unshaven fireman and drank, squinting 
at the sun.)



   According to the creators of "Armageddon" just ordinary 
people must perform the task space, rather, the mission, 
although difficulty pronounce the word. For such a delicate 
matter, as salvation world, professionals are no longer 
suitable. Knowledge - the previous day. Today, if you believe 
the movie, for all supercomplex space tasks needed amateurs: 
janitors, taxi drivers, chimney sweeps. Apparently They 
instinctively smell something that is taught in universities. 
But, strange business, often find themselves in need of 
professional killers and freaks, a little less - hackers and 
rockers. Wise men from the screen long replaced the cheerful 
troechniki (I must say that in "Armageddon" even the U.S. 
presidential adviser on technical Issues - troechnik). SO: In 
the late twentieth century, PEIOD IMPOSSIBLE TECHNICAL DAWN FOR 
THE RECOVERY OF THE WORLD DO NOT NEED BE SMART! Hurray! Enough 
to be able to throw the manure in the backyard and your work 
professionally. 


   A little practice to wear suits, not forgetting
stick to one of the secret pockets on the sleeve of a bubble
favorite "Whisky", heroes, astronauts are sent to the launch 
site. Their accompanies a grateful humanity.



   (Grizov sighed, pushed his hands and departed on his
lovely chair with wheels on the meter from the table. Eyes were
little tired, we had a break. He got up and went for a walk
the corridors of "PD". In a Saturday morning corridors still
remained deserted, only the shipping department came
loud conversation and mysterious chime, apparently laid out
packs with a circulation of arriving evening car. Gradually, 
Anton came to the boards with ads hanging opposite the entrance 
to the main editorial offices. On a board hanging order to 
strengthen against errors in the presentation of information 
and formulation of someone something in the form of something 
obscene. Familiarized with all this, Grizov dobrel to guard 
post. 


   A security guard was lying on a chair, putting their feet in 
hiking on remote control with buttons like a steep Walker after 
the justice to be done in Texas. By standing next to him the TV 
show some sort of erotic thriller.



   - Hi Witek! - Called him Anton - The boundary at the castle?


   - The three castles - no turning back, said Vitek, because
could not tear myself away from the screen, which is about to be
place the attack on the languid blonde with a subsequent
assault on her honor and shooting in all directions - Sit down,
shark pen. Dern chefira! On the morning of invigorating.


   Anton Witek pulled a jar of cool brewed tea. Grizov
glanced at the color of the liquor and agreed. After the first
Throat balls to call for videos and then departed, and 
everything fell in place. Grizov felt a force of epic heroes,

mood went up sharply.


  - Wow! - He blurted out in surprise.


  - Well, - confirmed the quality of the beverage Witek - 
zinger! This is for you, brother, "Kaka-Cola ...



   - Yes, - has agreed to Anton and sat down beside the couch,
he asked, - you "Armageddon" look?


   - Yeah, - muttered Vitek, straining - an attack on
Blonde entered into the middle and he did not want to be 
distracted. 


   - Well, what do you want?


   - Cool course, though ... stacked them all!


   - I thought so. Thank you, brother.


   Grizov back at the computer and with a bang banged
fingers on the keyboard.)


              Space inferiority complex


   Superplan to save the earth begins with a colossal
maneuver orbiting the Moon and go in the rear of a giant 
asteroid on which will land on. But before you implement all

is on the way to refuel fuel to Russia
Space Station Mir. So, in the film appear Russian.
This is a separate issue. Anyway, a Russian in space does not 
circumvent silence. But let's not forget the American cinema, 
and once impossible to be silent about the Russian, then it is 
necessary, as usual, show them a complete idiot.



   Two gorgeous, gleaming patent leather sides, even in
space, the American shuttle, close to the Russian station
Mir, dimly reflective stripped fuselage. On the radio
astronauts oilmen are hilarious General Discussion on how to 
cool a space where all sorts of shiny stuff, and that the 
station "Mir" done so long ago, that does not understand why 
she has not yet been crumbling. Yet, oddly enough, to fill the 
path nowhere more so must reluctantly use

Russian help.


   After docking, the astronauts enter the holy of holies
domestic kosmonavtki that looks like from the inside
nechischeny barn. Hanging from every wall frayed cables
mist system leaking pipe - plumber's nightmare "
and the first Russian cosmonaut in the earflaps and, naturally, 
with wrench key. Name cosmonaut Lev Andropov of course. It is 
strange that not Alexander Pushkin or Vladimir Ulyanov-Lenin. 
Of all famous Americans of Russian surnames remained unused

only two: Gogol and Dostoyevsky. But they saved up for other
films.


   (Anton looked at the firemen through the window: they added 
the the third with an opened bottle of Stolichnaya in one hand 
and a sausage another. Firemen have swayed slightly, even 
sitting down, poked each other with their fists in the chest, 
and then widely planted in hand, they say, was "in-oh-oh-t like 
that!". Looking at them for a minute, Anton back into space.)



   It is fair to note that Russia and the U.S. were in
space in different ways. Expending huge mani to create
several shuttles. Soaring over time, America did not
able to build in space nothing like the current
station. On the launcher, and can not speak. In this
situation hanging in space, many of the summer, constantly 
reinforced and tuned like a Rubik's cube, the station "Mir", 
the same currently an eyesore! Constant irritant, a reminder

of wrongly chosen path and wasted millions
dollars. U.S. have long been accustomed to consider themselves 
a superpower, for which lag behind Russia is impossible. And in 
space - even insulting. Only one thing - cover up a competitor 
in the eyes of the world Community straight misinformation and 
general advertising their erroneous creations. Nothing else, 
when money is already spent, already remains.



   Therefore, the station "Mir" hastily discarded in the movie, 
predicting its imminent end of life. Indeed, some comrades

planning to flood the station "Mir" in the ocean. But the U.S. 
wants present it is almost my idea. Or maybe it is

really her idea? Very much embarrassed to see the Russian
space station, and want to get rid of this
inferiority complex.


   (Anton ran back to Victor, and returned refreshed chefirom
in place. "Hahn B. Willis" was included in the final stage. He
left to live for thirty minutes, it hurts good work was going 
on balls after chifir.)



                    Finally, Armegeddon!


    After the explosion, "Peace", shuttles barely have time to 
undock, and sail into space, taking with him a Russian colonel

Andropov. Further. As always, there is a continuous action and 
distrakshn, already has become home to our audience.



   Terrible asteroid grows, shuttles between the tack
billions of debris. One of the "Shuttle" loses control and
lost in the fog. But it is immediately clear - it's not 
forever. He just can not die, because viewers do not want. 
Except addition, one of the astronauts on the ground waiting 
for the bride, she also do not want. If the astronaut will not 
return, then the audience just will not forgive such a 
director. He was accused of excessive dramatization movies. 
Spectators wait for the happy end, but until it is far! First 
should be enough to suffer and pouzhasatsya. The heroes must 
something should break down and fail. It is, periodically 
interrupted communication, breaks down the drill. But they 
professionals, these oil companies. They change the drill and 
drilled on. Bur breaks again. It's all over. Earth will not be 
saved. 


   But here to help, as always, unexpectedly, comes not know
whence came the tractor from the second space shuttle,
who was believed dead. Tractor arrived here having flown
the terrible abyss, and having experienced engine failure. 
Naturally, his repaired on the fly by none other than Russian 
astronaut Leo Andropov that, anyway, nice.



   But this is not a happy-mil: asteroid begins to fight for 
their existence. Earthquake broke out again, all breaks,

dies a few astronauts. Time before crossing the DEAD-LINE
there are fewer, but it's not moving. Hole becomes
deeper! Finally, at the cost of superhuman effort, well
drilled, the atomic charge of it, of course got stuck on the 
road twice, is omitted. But terrible happened! No effect

remote connection. Bomb could explode just by hand, and this
means that someone has to STAY! FOREVER!


   (Anton in jim-jams again ran to Vitka. The attack on
Blonde rape maniac and ended with five dead bodies on the
maniac road to the exit. Maniac was the best friend
blonde obpivshiysya the eve of "Sprite" and as a consequence of 
week watching from behind the curtains for her daily toilet. 
After such, anyone go mad, - as "sprites" with no harm

health does not drink. Have not helped, even ice cubes for
cocktails that best friend blonde daily sprinkled themselves
head - they melted yet on the approach to the head of the erotic
heat.


   Witek was sitting in a relaxed pose a happy life guard.
Grizov scanned the table, but saw that too late -
chefir died. B. Willis, this can not be forgiven in any way.
Witek guiltily handed Anton plate Rigla
Spermine, "-" to, say, Do not Cry. "


   Gritting his teeth, Anton once again sat down at my 
computer.) 


   Astronauts will throw lots on matches. It's good that they 
at least decided not to play cards. The mission of the 
salvation of mankind falls young oilman, the same one who waits 
for the bride on earth. But Bryuss true hero, indeed, that it 
was strange for modern hero, he is a father. And therefore 
prefers to give own life instead of a person's life, she loves 
him daughter. Strong scene. And strange. For the first time in 
the entire movie occurs strange feeling - surely the Americans 
can feel something other than taste Rigla Spermint? I want to 
cry from this unexpected discovery.



   But this soon passes. The shuttle takes off, and with ekshin
distrakshenom overshadow everything. Second displays of 
affection overwhelmed by a flood of prominences. Yes, everyone 
is happy. Yes, an asteroid exploded, and Bruce was killed. 
Sorry for him, though he and the goat. But the other, this has 
not changed. They return to earth same tupenkimi what flew with 
her. Meeting Scene Astronauts on the pomposity of Petroleum 
surpasses everything seen before. Number the Stars and Stripes 
that had no doubt about who exactly should be thanked for 
Humanity his salvation, is incalculable. The destruction of the 
rubble Asteroid Paris and Shanghai looks like something dimly. 
Well, burned French to Chinese, and God be with them. Two 
smaller rivals. Remaining the same, we should be thankful they 
have such advanced star-stripes friends!



   (Anton, exhausted, dropped his head on the table. Lay so
slightly. Then sent the file "Hahn B. Willis" on the web at
server, where Ktakatovsky could get it at any time.
Then, with a sense of accomplishment, I went outside to breathe
fresh air.)


                             END!