+ BOTH LAUGHTER AND SIN! +---------- - - - - - - -
WHAT EVERY COCKROACH SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
/MEMO/
(C) AUTHOR UNKNOWN :(
(TEXT PROVIDED BY ALEXEY GUTENEV /ALEXGOG/)
INTRODUCTION REMEMBER HOW ALL THE PROGRESSIVE COCKROACHS HAPPY WHEN
HAS A PERSON ENTERED OUR LIVES? IT SEEMED HE WOULD SOLVE EVERYTHING FOREVER
HOUSEHOLD PROBLEMS - THERE WILL BE WARM EVERYWHERE, THERE WILL BE DIRT, CHEAP FOOD.
BUT, AS IT FOUND OUT, A PERSON CAN BE NOT ONLY A FRIEND, BUT ALSO
A DEADLY ENEMY WHEN IT COME OUT FROM UNDER THE COCKROACH
CONTROL. AND THEN DISEASES, DESTRUCTION, COME TO OUR HOME,
DEATH.
IT’S ENOUGH TO REMEMBER AT LEAST HOW MUCH TROUBLES THE SLIPPERS BROUGHT
'KID' AND 'FAT MAN' DROPPED FROM THEIR FEET ON THE HEADS OF CIVILIANS
KITCHEN AND BATHROOM IN 19HS! TODAY ON EARTH ALREADY ACCUMULATED
SO MANY DEADLY SHOES AND POISON THAT THERE COULD BE HUNDREDS
DESTROY ALL COCKROACHES ONCE!LET'S BRIEFLY CONSIDER THE MAIN TYPES OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
(WMD) AND RULES OF BEHAVIOR OF COCKROACHES IN CASE OF INCIDENT
PERSON:
SLIPPERS:
SLIPPERS (BOOT, BOOTS, SANDALS, BOOTS, CRUTCH) - THE MOST
OLD AND MOST COMMON TYPE OF WMD. DAMAGING EFFECT
SLIPPING IS BASED ON EXCESSIVE PRESSURE ARISING IN THE AREA
TAP STRIKE. SO, THE PRESSURE AT THE EPICENTER OF THE SLIDER FALL
SO GREAT THAT FROM A COCKROACH EXPOSED TO SUPPORT
WHEN IT HITS, YOU LEAVE A LITERALLY WET PLACE. FIRST SIGNAL
THE HAZARD OF A TAP ATTACK IS LIGHT RADIATION
APPEARING AFTER A CHARACTERISTIC CLICK. FOLLOWING
THE RADIATION PROMOTES A CHARACTERISTIC SOUND 'UH, S-S-BASTARDS!!!', AFTER
WHAT DOES SLIPPERS APPEAR IN THE AIR.
THE COCKROACH THAT FIRST NOTICES THE RADIATION MUST GIVE A COMMAND
'FLASH FROM ABOVE!!!' BY THIS COMMAND ALL COCKROACHS ARE COMMITTED
STOP ANY WORK TO CLEAN THE KITCHEN IMMEDIATELY
LEAVE THE FACILITY AND GO TO SHELTER!
REMEMBER! ORDINARY WALLPAPERS WEAKEN THE POWER OF A TAPPING IMPACT IN
Z-S TIMES. LINOLEUM - 10 TIMES. WOODEN SKIRTINTH - 1OO TIMES.
IRON PANWILL COMPLETELY PROTECT YOU FROM TAP IMPACT, BUT
WILL NOT PROTECT FROM IMPACT WITH A FRYING PAN.
SEVERE FEAR WILL LOSE YOUR STRENGTH. THERE IS A KNOWN CASE WHEN ONE
A SUDDENLY SCARED COCKROACH TURNS THE PLATE AND HID UNDER
HER. (SORRY, THE HOT BORSCH WAS IN THE PLATE,
THE LIFE OF AN UNNAMED HERO TERMINED).
IF YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME TO LEAVE THE OBJECT, YOU SHOULD PUSH YOUR MUSTACHE AND
PAWS, PRETEND TO BE YOUR OPPONENT'S FOOD ('RAISIN').
AN EXAMPLE OF GENUINE COURAGE WAS THE FEAT OF THE HEROCACHES
THE PRUSAKOV BROTHERS, WHO MANAGED TO KNOCK OUT 2 IN AN unequal battle
ENEMY SLIPPERS. BOUND WITH MATCHES, THEY SELFLY
THEY DROPPED UNDER THE SLIPPERS AND SET THEM ON FIRE.
DICHLOVOS: DICHLOVOS ('VAUGOP', 'GAID', 'EGOISTE') - CHEMICAL WMD.
THE MAIN DAMAGING FACTORS OF DICHLOVOS ARE: ZUKOVA
WAVE ('SPHIK'), DIRECTED DICHLOPHOSIC RADIATION (AEROSOL
WAVE), RESIDUAL ODOR (EMISSIONING GAS).
A SOUND WAVE PROPADES AT THE SPEED OF SOUND THROUGHOUT
KITCHEN, AFFECTS UNPROTECTED EARS OF COCKROACHS, SOWS PATH-CAUSING
DECIBELS.
DIRECTED DICHLOPHOSRADIATION AND RESIDUAL ODOR CAUSE
COCKROACHES HAVE Dizziness AND TEMPORARY HALLUCINATIONS
DISABILITY. AS A RULE, IN INDIVIDUALS, REGULARLY
IN EXPOSURE TO DICHLOPOS, ARISES
PSYCHOPHYSIOLOGICAL DEPENDENCE ON IT. SUCH COCKROACHES WITH
EACH TIME AN INCREASINGLY GREATER DOSE OF THE POISONIC SUBSTANCE IS REQUIRED.
THE OFFERS OF SUCH COCKROACHES, AS A RULE, ALSO BECOME
TAXICOMANS ('THE GOING ON THE CYLINDER').
TO PROTECT FROM DICHLOVOS, FOLDS SHOULD BE USED
GAS MASK, RESPIRATOR. IF IT'S NOT UNDER YOUR PAW
GAS MASK, YOU CAN USE A DAMP CLOTH OR
USED TOILET PAPER.
TRUE AND TIMELY INFORMATION PLAYS A HUGE ROLE.
REMEMBER THE MAY 1ST DEMONSTRATION IN THE KITCHEN IN 198B? THOUSANDS
COCKROACHES WALKED ON THE FLOOR, SMILING, NOT KNOWING WHAT THE CONTENTS
THE EMISSIONING GAS IN THE AIR EXCEEDS ALL PERMISSIBLE STANDARDS. A
THE LEADERS ALREADY KNEW EVERYTHING AND, NEVERTHELESS, ALSO SMILED
TO THE DEMONSTRATORS, WAVING THE MUSTACHES FROM THE BREAD BOX!..
CLEANITY: PURITY IS THE MOST vilest and most formidable weapon of mass destruction. FOLLOW WHAT
SO THAT CLEANITY DOES NOT PENETRATETO THE PLACE OF YOUR PERMANENT
STAYS. CLEANNESS IS INTENDED IN THE HOME OF COCKROACHES BY
BROOMS, MOP, RAG. THE MOST TERRIBLE BEARER OF PURITY
IS THE SO-CALLED 'MIRACLE MOP' (BY DETERGENT POWER
SUPERIOR THAN A BROOM 100 TIMES, A REGULAR MOP 10 TIMES, A RAG
SEXUAL WET - 1 TIME).
TO PREVENT YOURSELF FROM CLEANITY, TRY NOT TO PROVOKE
PEOPLE - DO NOT BE CAREFUL IN HANDLING YOUR OWN
FECES! NEVER LEAVE THEM ON SHELVES, DISHES,
TOWELS. BUCKWHEAT GREATS ARE COMPLETELY SUITABLE FOR STORING FECES.
TEA, CRUSKS.
EVACUATION:
THE EVACUATION PLAN SHOULD BE HANGED IN A VISIBLE PLACE (BEHIND THE SKIRTINBOARD,
NEAR THE WASH BUCKET, ON THE BACK WALL OF THE CABINET WITH FOOD), BUT
NOT IN FRONT OF HUMAN EYES!
WHEN EVACUATING, YOU SHOULD USE PREVIOUSLY DISCOVERED
FULL PROFILE VENTILATION CHANGES. (DO NOT CLOGGED THEM!) IN
IN SUCH STROKES YOU CAN WALK WITHOUT BENDING, AT FULL GROWTH. ON THE ROAD
THE LOCATIONS SHOULD BE MARKED WITH SMALL DARK BALLS,
TURNING, RESTING AND EATING PLACES. AREAS CONTAMINATED WITH CHINESE
PENCIL SHOULD BE OVERCOME, NOTTOUCHING THEM WITH YOUR FEET
(JUMP, ROLL ON YOUR BACK, FLY ON FLIES,
MOSQUITOES).
NEVER DRINK RAW TAP WATER! FIRST,
IT IS TEAMING WITH BACTERIA, AND SECONDLY, YOU CAN BE WASHED IN
SEWER! THEREFORE YOU SHOULD DRINK AND WASH ONLY IN RESERVOIRS WITH
BOILED WATER - IN TEAPOTS, PATS, PLATES. AT THIS TIME ON
THERE SHOULD BE TWO PERSONS ON DUTY - A MEDICAL INSTRUCTOR AND
RESCUE.
REMEMBER THAT IN ORDERING IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION, DON’T GIVE IN
RADIO AND TELEVISION WILL HELP YOU WITH PANIC. CLIMBING INTO THE TV
OR A RADIO, YOU CAN SHARE FROM THE INFLUENCE OF ANY
WMD.
INDIVIDUALS EXPOSED TO WMD SHOULD BE FOLLOWED
NEAREST COMPUTING CENTER. THERE, IN THE SYSTEM BLOCK
COMPUTERS, CONVENIENTLY SITTING AT THE FAN, THEY CAN QUICKLY
CORRECT BROKEN HEALTH.
HAVING STUDYED THIS MEMO, TRANSFER ITS CONTENTS TO OTHER COCKROACHS FROM
US IN USA!
- - -BROTHER Z. SECRET SCRIPT.
---------------------------
(C) LEONID KAGANOV
(TEXT PROVIDED BY ALEXEY GUTENEV /ALEXGOG/) A GUY IN A WHITE SWEATER WALKS DOWN THE STREET, HE IS LISTENING TO A PLAYER.
THE BAND 'CICCIOLINA AND THE BEARS' PLAYING. SUDDENLY A JOYFUL RUNNES OUT
AN UNSHAVED MAN SHAKES THE GUY BY THE SHOULDER.
MAN: DANILA!!! HOW MANY YEARS, HOW MANY WINTERS!!!
DANILA (Squinting her eyes warily): WHY DO YOU NEED IT?
MAN: HOW IS LIFE?!
DANILA: AH, IN THIS MEANING... I THOUGHT I SHOULD SAY MY AGE.
I DON'T LIKE TO SAY AGE. I THINK: IT'S NOT ABOUT AGE,
THE MAIN THING IS THAT THE PERSON IS GOOD.
PAUSE. BLACK SCREEN, WHITE TITLE: 'THE MAIN THING IS THATTHE MAN WAS
GOOD'. SINGER NIKE ZABEY PERFORMS THE SONG 'I'M SMALL'
INFECTION', REPLACING THE WORDS 'GRASS', 'MUSHROOMS' WITH CONFUSED HICCUPTS,
'DIMEDROL', 'DICHLOVOS' AND 'GLUE'. BECAUSE OF OTHER WORDS IN THE SONG
NO, MAINLY HEARD MUSIC.
MAN: DO YOU REMEMBER ME, DANILA? I AM A BROTHER!
DANILA: MINE?
ONE OF THE FORMER PRIME MINISTERS PASSES AND LEAVES.
THE DIRECTOR JUST MEET HIM AT THE RESORT AND PERSUATED HIM
TAKE PART IN A NEW YOUTH FILM.
MAN: NO, NOT YOURS. DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR FRIEND'S BROTHER?
DANILA: VASYA?
MAN: EXACTLY, VASYA! FOUND OUT! HA-HA-HA! SO I AM HIS BROTHER, PETIA!
DANILA: BROTHER... (SMILES DREAMY, ROLLING EYES) WHERE
VASYA?MAN (FRONTING): THEY KILLED YOU. THE BROTHER WAS KILLED.
DANILA: REMEMBER, PETYA: KILLING PEOPLE IS WRONG.
BLACK SCREEN, WHITE TITLE: 'IT IS WRONG TO KILL PEOPLE'. IN CHARM
THREE SINGERS SING - ZUKHRA, ZULFIYA AND GLUCHITAI:
AND THE GIRL IS DEAD!
IT'S A DAY ALREADY!
IT'S Smoldering IN AN EMPTY APARTMENT!
AND THE FLIES ARE HERE! DANILA: WHO KILLED?
MAN (WHISPERING): ALIENS! FROM THE BUCKET OF THE URSA GREAT!
DANILA: FROM THE LADLE? HOW TO KILL SOMETHING FROM IT?
MAN: FROM BLASTER! TO DEATH!
DANILA: AH, IN THAT MEANING...I THOUGHT FROM THE BUCKET.
AND THE GIRL IS DEAD
IT'S BEEN A DAY ALREADY.
NOBODY-NOBODY REMOVE
DON'T WANT HER BODY.
DANILA: ARE THE ALIENS RUSSIAN?
MAN: NOO...
DANILA: SO, THE AMERICANS.
MAN: YES NO. THEY ARE GREEN. WITH SCALES. EYES - WOW! HANDS - IN!
HUGE POWER!
DANILA: SO THERE ARE RUSSIANS. REMEMBER, PETYA, RUSSIANS ARE HUGE
POWER.
BLACK SCREEN, WHITE INSCRIPTION: 'RUSSIANS ARE POWER'. SOUNDS
SONG OF THE GROUP 'KING AND $':SCREWING, XAPKHY FROM THE WINDOW
VERY LONG DISTANCE.
AND WHEN SHE WALKS DOWN THE STREET,
MAYBE I CAN CATCH HER ATTENTION.
DANILA: OKAY, IT'S TIME FOR ME.
MAN: WHERE?
DANILA: IN THIS... LADLE OF THE BEAR. I WILL FIGURE OUT AND COME BACK. YOU HAVE
NO MACHINE GUN?
MAN: THERE IS NO MACHINE GUN.
DANILA: OKAY, I'LL FIGURE OUT IT.
MAN: TAKE THE MACHINE (TAKES THE MACHINE FROM UNDER THE CLOCK
KALASHNIKOV).
DANILA: THANK YOU, PETYA. YOU WILL SEE SOME BROTHER - MY BROTHER,
FOR EXAMPLE, SAY: LET IT FLY,WILL HELP. I THINK SO -
BROTHERS SHOULD HELP EACH OTHER, RIGHT?
CAPTION: 'BROTHERS MUST HELP!' DANILA GOES IN THE DIRECTION
COSMODROME. THE BAND SINGS ALL THE WAY TO THE COSMODROME
'DANCE-DROP':
YOUR FACE EYES, YOUR FACE MOUTH
OPENING WIDE -
HE SINGS BETTER SO.
SOUNDS OF MY MOUTH
MY MIND IS VERSE
YOU WILL NEVER FORGET
IT WILL BE BORING WITHOUT THEM.
FLOWERS ARE BLOWING! CATS YELL!
THE WORMS ARE CREEPING! COPS WHISTLING!
DANILA APPROACHES THE PASSAGE AND KNOCKS ON THE WINDOW.
DANILA: HEY, I NEED TO GO TO THE BUCKET.THE GUARD COMES OUT: I'M GONNA DROP YOU INTO THE BUCKET RIGHT NOW! HERE IS A SPACEMODROME!
MODE OBJECT!
FAMOUS STARS PASS BY ANTON MAKARONYCH, TINSHURA AND
VERONICA WE STEAL, SHOWING ONE PASS FOR EVERYONE. TO THE DIRECTOR
WE MANAGED TO PERSUAD THEM TO APPEAR AT LEAST FOR A MOMENT IN THE FRAME OF THE BEST
RUSSIAN MUSICAL.
DANILA: REALLY?
GUARD: TRUTH! SHOW YOUR PASS!
DANILA: I THINK SO: WHO HAS THE TRUTH, HAS A PASS.
THE GUARD TRY TO PUSH DANILA INTO THE BUCKET, BUT DANILA TAKES OUT
A MACHINE AND SHOOTS AT THE GUARD. THE GUARD FALLS. CAPTION: 'WHO
IT'S TRUTH - THE ONE HAS A PASS '. DANILA RUNS INTO THE TERRITORY AND THERE
ALSO SHOOTING AT EVERY PASSERBY. THE GROUP 'LEPROZORTSY' SINGS:
WHEN I WAS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD
SOME GRANDFATHER SNEZED ON ME,I LIVED FOR FIVE YEARS BEFORE
THE RIGHT LEG DID NOT FALL AWAY
HALI-GALI! HALF CORPSES!
NOSE AND LIPS FAILED!
HALI-GALI! NO EYES!
GOOD DISEASE LEPROSY! HAVING INTERRUPTED THE GARRISON AND SUPPORTING PERSONNEL OF THE COSMODROME, DANILA
REACHES THE ROCKET, RUNS UP THE LADDER AND TRY
CLIMB INTO THE HATCH, BUT THE MACHINE IS IN THE HAND. DANILA THROWS THE MACHINE DOWN,
LOCKS THE HATCH BEHIND HIM AND FALLS INTO THE CHAIR AT THE CONTROL. OH NOT
IN A HURRY, HE TURNES ON THE ROCKET IGNITION TO WARM THE NOZLES. FOR
STANDING ON HIS SHOULDER IS THE SINGER ZOSYA PAPINOVA - SHE PROMISED THE DIRECTOR
1О.ООО$ FOR EVERY MINUTE OF PARTICIPATION IN THE BEST RUSSIAN ACTION.
DANILA SEATS MORE COMFORTABLE, PLACES HAND ON THE GEAR LEVER, SMARTLY
STARTS FROM PLACE AT FIRST SPACE SPEED AND TURNS THE STEERING STEERING
TOWARDS THE URSA GREAT.
HALI-GALI! HALF CORPSES!
NO FINGERS AND SPEAKERED WORD.
WHERE IS THE SPOKEN WORD, HALIE-GALI?HAVE YOU CASED SEEN IT? AFTER A SOME TIME THE ROCKET RUNS OUT OF GASOLINE AND IT FALLS IN
A SWAMP ON THE MAIN PLANET OF THE BUCKET OF THE URSA MAJOR AND SINKING. ON
DANILA FLOOS UP TO THE SURFACE AND SEES A GREEN FISHERMAN WITH A FISHING ROCK.
DANILA: HELLO. WHO IS YOUR MAIN BANDIT HERE?
FISHERMAN: IT'S FAR, IN THE CITY. LET'S GO TO ME, YOU WILL DRY OUT,
GET WARM FROM THE ROAD.
DANILA: LET'S GO. ARE YOU RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN?
FISHERMAN: I AM AN ALIEN. MY NAME IS YUH.
DANILA: AND ME - DANILA. I AM AN EARTHLANDER. REMEMBER, YUH: THE EARTH IS
THIS IS THE CRADLE OF HUMANITY.
CAPTIONS: 'EARTH - THE CRADLE OF HUMANITY', 'KALUGA - THE CRADLE
COSMONAUTICS', 'STROLLER - DANILA'S CRADLE'.
GROUP'LUZHA TUZIKA' SINGS IN UKRAINIAN LANGUAGE BECAUSE IN THEIR
IT IS PROHIBITED TO SING IN RUSSIAN IN YOUR HOMETOWN:
THERE, THERE IN THE USA, WHERE WE ARE NOT
THERE DIVINES DANCE UNTIL DARK
FULL OF FLASKERS AND WINE
AND IN BATCIVSHCHINI - HI HORSERASH DANILA AND YUKH ARE SITTING IN THE HUT BY THE STOVE, YUKH PLAYS INTO THE FIRE
BARS.
DANILA: YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, YUH, EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE AN ALIEN.
YUH: THANK YOU, DANILA, I PLEASED THE OLD MAN.
DANILA: LISTEN, CAN YOU GET A HALF A KILO OF URANIUM HERE?
YUH (PUSHES ANOTHER BAR): JUST A HALF A KILO.
DANILA: AND ALSO A PLANE, A TRANSISTOR AND A CONDOM!
PLAYINGPOP GROUP 'DRINKED UNDERPANTS'. IN DANILA'S BARN
MAKING SOMETHING. SHOOTING - DANILA WHIPPING A LOG
PLANE. DANILA SHARES A PLANE WITH A KNIFE.
GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT
STREET AND PRIVATE
HUMBLE AND SWEET
STERILE AND CONTAGIOUS STANDING BEHIND DANILA'S SHOULDER IS ZOSYA PAPINOVA - THE DIRECTOR IS ALSO A HUMAN.
DANILA EATS PORK STEW FROM A CAN WITH A KNIFE, Occasionally
TREATING ZOSYA. AND AGAIN SHUTS THE LOG.
GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT
WORKERS AND THE Idle
CHATTY AND RAMBLING
ACTIVE AND INVENTIVE DANILA SHARES A TRANSISTOR WITH A KNIFE. DANILA SPIRES RUSTY
SCREWS INTO AN EMPTY STEW CAN. DANILA PLANES WITH A PLANE
KNIFE. GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT
BEAUTIFUL AND HORRIBLE
SOOKY AND DISGUSTING
BARGAINERS AND CONSENTERS
DANILA CUTS A CONDOM INTO RINGS. DANILA TIGHTENS
RINGS A JAR, A PLANE AND A PIECE OF URANIUM, AND STICKS IT WITH CHEWING GUM
TRANSISTOR ON TOP. DANILA RAISES THE CONSTRUCTION AND Squints
ONE EYE. YUH ENTERS. DANILA HURRYLY HIDES THE DEVICE.
YUH: WHAT HAVE YOU WORKED UP, CARPENTER?
DANILA: SO. SOUVENIRS CUT OUT.
YUH: LET'S GO, I'VE COOKED THE CUP.
DANILA: SHOW ME WHERE YOUR CITY IS. THIS IS WHAT I THINK - NOT
TIME IS TO EAT EAR.
YUH: FAR BEHIND THE FOREST, TAKE MY ATOMIC SKIS, OR WE ARE
THE GRASS IS HIGH.CAPTION: 'NOT THE TIME TO EAT EAR, TAKE ATOMIC SKIS.' DANILA WALKS BY
IN THE FOREST ON ATOMIC SKIING. SWINGING ON THE LINA OF ONE TREE
FAMOUS SINGER JICHEL MACKSON - THE FOREST WAS FILMMED IN THE PAVILION
HOLLYWOOD, BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE SUCH TECHNIQUES YET, DIRECTOR
I MET JIKLE AT THE BUFFET AND PERSUADED HIM TO TAKE PART IN
THE BEST FILM IN RUSSIA. THE GROUP 'FIG-2' SINGS:
IN THE OLD TIMES
SOVIET COUNTRY
WROTE LETTERS
WITH DENUNCIATIONS ABOUT YOUR LOVED ONES :-)
NOW IN BIG TROUBLE
SPECIAL SERVICE ATC
NOT KNOW WHAT AND WHERE
WITHOUT THIS CORRESPONDENCE :-(
NO ONE (!) WRITES TO THE COLONEL! :-((
NOBODY (!!) WRITES TO THE COLONEL!! :-(((
NOBODY (!!!) WRITES TO THE COLONEL!!!!!! :-(((((( DANILA ENTERS THE CITY AND DRIVES ON THE ASPHALT,LOOKING OUT
THE MAIN BANDIT. THE GROUP 'FALLEN FROM THE SOFA' PERFORMS FOLK SONG
CHORAL HEBREW SONGS IN MODERN ACID TREATMENT.
SUDDENLY DANILA IS GRAB BY THE SHOULDER, HE TURNES TURN - IN FRONT OF HIM
MAN.
DANILA: WHO ARE YOU?
MAN: I AM BROTHER.
DANILA: MINE?
MAN: NO, JUST BROTHER. BROTHER-EARTHLANDER. HE CAME TO HELP.
DANILA (HUGING BROTHER): BROTHER! COME ON, BROTHER, YOU WILL HELP.
BROTHER AND DANILA WALK HARMFULLY AROUND THE CITY. DANILA ON
SKIING, BROTHER ON FOAL.
PESAX - FUNNY GIRL
PASSAKH - JEWISH PASSOVER
PESAX - HATS AND PACESPESAX - STUFFING FISH
PESACH - MATZAH IN THE SYNAGOGUE
PESAKH - KOSHER FOOD
TOMORROW THEY EAT LAD FINALLY THE BIGGEST BUILDING APPEARS AHEAD AND THERE ARE HEROES
THEY UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS THE MAIN BUILDING. DANILA WITH BROTHER
THEY START STORMING HIM. BROTHER BREAKS GLASS WITH STONES, AND DANILA FROM
A HOMEMADE BLASTER SHOOTS AT EVERYONE JUMPING UP TO THE NOISE
ALIENS WITH NUCLEAR PLASMA, LASER BEAMS AND RUSTY
WITH SCREWS. THE MOUNTAIN OF GREEN CORPSES IS GROWING. THE WALLS OF THE BUILDING ARE COVERED
BURNS, SCREWS STICKING OUT EVERYWHERE. DANILA ASKS HIS BROTHER TO STAND ON
SHUKHERE, AND HE GOES INSIDE AND CONTINUES FIRE ON
DEFEAT BY RISING FROM FLOOR TO FLOOR. BEHIND HIM A PERSISTENT SHADOW
FOLLOW ZOSYA PAPINOVA, BEFORE THE DIRECTOR BOUGHT HIMSELF
SIX-ROOM APARTMENT IN THE CENTER OF MOSCOW.
THE MELODIC SONG OF THE POP GROUP 'OLD WOMAN IZERGIL' SOUNDS:
MY BABY IS GROWING BEYOND YEARS
SOON HE WILL SLICK MY MOUTH
NISKY AND KIND BOYMY BABY FINALLY DANILA REACHES THE TOP FLOOR OF THE MAIN FLOOR
BUILDINGS AND, INTERRUPTING THE LAST CORDON OF ARMED GUARDS
WITH SUPERBLASTERS, ENTERS THE OFFICE OF THE CHIEF BANDIT.
DANILA: A FRIEND'S BROTHER SAID THAT YOU KILLED YOUR BROTHER! WE ARE WITH
THE BROTHER CAME TO REVENGE THE BROTHER. (SITS INTO A CHAIR)
SIT DOWN WHAT ARE YOU STANDING FOR. WE WILL TALK. THE CHIEF BANDIT, PALEN
LIKE PAPER, SIT SCARED OPPOSITELY. IN HURTING VOICES
A SAD, INAUDIBLE SONG IS PERFORMED BY THE DUO OF THE BROTHERS 'OBDOLBATY'
GUYS'. BUT THE BROTHERS ARE INTERRUPTED BY THE GROUP 'VOICE EMRITS'
WHICH STARTS TO SING IN SLEEPY VOICES UNDER THE CRACKING OF BAGPIPES:
I COULD HAVE A BEER...
I COULD EAT A VOBLU...
I'M JUST VERY LAZY TO GET UP FROM THE SOFA...
I COULD BECOME A SINGER...
SING ABOUT THIS AND THAT...
I'M JUST VERY LAZY TO GET UP FROM THE SOFA...
JUST VERY LAZY...GRADUALLY THE SONG BECOMES INAUDIBLE AND GOES INTOINAUDIBLE MUMBLING AND THEN SNORING.
TAKEN USE OF THE PAUSE, THE 'FUCKING GUYS' DUO OF BROTHERS
TRYING TO CONTINUE HIS HURTING LYRIC SONG, BUT TEARS
THEY STRANGLE AND DO NOT ALLOW TO SING.
DANILA: TELL ME, ALIEN, WHY DID YOU KILL YOUR BROTHER?
CHIEF BANDIT: I'M NOT GUILTY! HE STARTED FIRST! STAND
SAYS, LET US SMOKE, TAKE OFF YOUR WATCH, TURN OUT YOUR POCKETS...
DANILA: WELL AND YOU?
CHIEF BANDIT: WELL, I TURNED IT OUT. AND THERE'S A BLASTER.
DANILA: WELL AND HIM?
MAIN BANDIT: AND HE GRABED HIM BY THE SPRAYER AND STANDED IN
ROLL IT IN YOUR HANDS, LOOK AT IT. THE TRIGGER PUSHED...
DANILA: UNDERSTANDING.WHY DID YOU FLY TO OUR EARTH AT ALL?
CHIEF BANDIT: WANTED TO ESTABLISH CONTACT...
DANILA: NEVER DO THIS AGAIN, UNDERSTAND?
CAPTION: 'NEVER DO THIS AGAIN'. THEY SOUND ONE AFTER ANOTHER
SONGS OF THE GROUP 'VOPLI ALIBASOV', 'DENTIST BRIDGE' AND 'HAND
TIRED!'.
DANILA: TELL ME, ALIEN, WHAT IS YOUR POWER?
CHIEF BANDIT: LIKE WHAT? IN FLYING SAUCERS! IN THE BLASTERS!
DANILA: BUT I THINK THAT THERE IS STRENGTH IN BROTHERS. TELL YOU HAVE
HAVE A BROTHER?
CHIEF BANDIT: NO, I GREW UP ALONE.
DANILA: YOU ARE WRONG. ASK YOUR MOTHER TO GIVE YOU A BROTHER.
CHIEF BANDIT: I HAVENO MOTHER, ONLY FATHER.
DANILA: AND MOTHER OF WHAT? GAVE UP?
CHIEF BANDIT: YES WE, ALIENS, ARE HERMAPHRODITES.
DANILA: UNDERSTANDING. I feel sorry for you. WE DON'T HAVE ON EARTH
HERMAPHRODITES. WE ALL HAVE BROTHERS - RUSSIANS, AMERICANS AND GERMANS.
OKAY, LIVE, I'M GOING. AND REMEMBER: EARTHLANDS ARE A GREAT NATION.
CHIEF BANDIT: THANK YOU, EARTHLANDER! I WILL NEVER FORGET YOUR KINDNESS!
DANILA: Okay.
TITLE: 'WE ARE LIKE THIS! EARTHLANDS ARE A GREAT NATION!'. DANILA LEAVES
INSTEAD OF HIM ZOSYA PAPINOVA RUNS OUT WITH A CASSETTE PLAYER IN HAND AND
STARTS TO SING HIS SONG TO A PHONOGRAM, BUT THEY COME IN CAUGHT
THE DIRECTOR PRESSES THE PAUSE ON THE CASSETTE PLAY AND DRAWS THE SINGER AWAY
SHOUTING 'NOT FOR ANY MONEY!'
DANILA (GOES OUTSIDE): HEAR, BROTHER, WHAT IS THIS?
HERMAPHRODITES?BROTHER: HERMAPHRODITES? THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HEAR IT.
DANILA: AND I HAVE ALREADY HEARD IT TWO TIMES.
BROTHER: AND WHAT ARE HERMAPHRODITES?
DANILA: FOR THE THIRD TIME.
BROTHER: LET'S RUN OUT OF HERE!
DANILA: WAIT, WE NEED TO FIND OUT. THEY ARE ALL HERMAPHRODITES. I AM HERE
I KNOW APHRODITE IS SUCH A GIANT. BEAUTIFUL AND NAKED. US IN THE ARMY
THE Sergeant-Major was DRAWING.
BROTHER: ARE THERE NAKED WOMEN HERE? THEN I'LL STAY!
DANILA: WHAT ARE YOU, BROTHER? WE ARE EARTHLANDS!
BROTHER: WHAT HAVE I NOT SEEN ON EARTH? I SAW EVERYTHING EXCEPT NAKED WOMEN!
I'LL LOOK AT LEAST HERE.DANILA: WELL, BROTHER, AS YOU KNOW. AND THIS IS WHAT I THINK: THERE IS NOTHING
BETTER THAN EARTH. EVEN NAKED WOMEN. HAPPY BROTHER!
TITLE: 'NAKED WOMEN WORSE THAN THE EARTH'. DANILA ESCAPEES ON ATOMIC
SKIING, THE BROTHER STAYS AND WAVES HIS HAND. POP GROUP 'HANDS ON
BLANKET!' PERFORMS THE SAD LYRICAL SONG 'LADOSHKA'.
THE RUNNING HERMAPHRODITES GRAB THE BROTHER AND TAKE AWAY. THERE ARE SONGS
GROUPS 'ANAL CODE', 'CHISEL-JAZZ', 'S-S-S-DAMN' AND 'FAKF'.
AND ALL AT THE SAME TIME. DANILA RUNS TO THE SWAMP AND KNOCKS
IN THE HUT. YAH COMES OUT.
DANILA: YUH, I NEED HELP! DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY ROCKET?
YUH: NO.
DANILA: NO PROBLEM. Bring SOAP, ROPE, STOOL, ATOMIC
REACTOR, INSULATING TAPE AND SPACE SUIT.
YUH: AND THIS IS NOT.
DANILA:POVERTY. WELL AT LEAST A MORTAR, POMELO, PEAS AND A STEERING STEERING FROM
KAMAZ?
YUH: AND THIS IS NOT.
DANILA: WHAT WILL I FLY HOME ON?
YUH: ACTUALLY I HAVE A FLYING SAUCER TO KEEP FOR MYSELF...
DANILA: THANK YOU, YUH! YOU ARE A REAL BROTHER, EVEN MUCH AN ALIEN! I
I WILL NOT FORGET YOU. LET'S GO EAT EARS ON THE ROAD.
TITLE: 'I DID NOT FORGET ABOUT EAR'. ON THE EDGE OF THE SWAMP STANDS A FLYING
A PLATE, DANILA CLIPS INTO IT AND WAVES HIS HAND. FROM A FAR DANILE
WAVES GREEN CLAWED FOOT YUH. THERE ARE TEARS IN HIS EYES. FOR
HIS BACK IS ZOSYA PAPINOVA. THE DISH HATCH CLOSES. INCREASES
A POWERFUL ROAR THAT EXPERIENCED MUSIC LOVERS CAN EASILY IDENTIFY AS
SOUNDING AT THE SAME TIME ALL THE SONGS OF PLANET EARTH OF ALL TIMES AND
PEOPLES. A FLYING SAUCER IS HIDDEN ABOVE. PAUSE. BLACK
SCREEN, WHITE TITLE: 'END OF FILM. KNOW OURS' *
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