JOKES! (sorry for the unformatted text!)
1. Stirlitz was walking through a dense forest and suddenly saw
that eyes are looking at him from the hollow.
“Woodpecker,” thought Stirlitz.
“You’re a woodpecker yourself,” thought Muller.
2. Stirlitz caught the dog. He gave her gasoline and let her go.
The dog ran 50 meters and fell.
“Probably ran out of gas,” thought Stirlitz.
3. Stirlitz bent over a map of the USSR. He was vomiting uncontrollably
to my homeland.
4. Stirlitz was walking along the streets of Berlin and suddenly looked up.
These were the eyes of Professor Pleischner.
5. Stirlitz got up early. Was Romanian early in the morning
scout.
6. Stirlitz lay down on the pebbles. Pebbles screamed and ran away.
7. There was a blast from the window. Stirlitz closed the window - the barrel disappeared.
8. Stirlitz entered the room. The candle was burning, but there was no light
gave. Stirlitz put out the candle and Sveta immediately gave it.
9. Stirlitz shot at point blank range. The emphasis fell backwards. Vznich
jumped up and ran away. Utek began to defend himself.
JOKES 10 AND 11 WERE SOMEHOW LOST...
12. Muller received a denunciation against Stirlitz. It said: "In
On the night of May 1st, Stirlitz left Berlin for the countryside. There
in the forest, in a remote clearing, he drank a bottle of vodka. Divorced
fire and took out the balalaika. Then he began, playing the balalai,
ke, dance in a squat and sing ditties. After midnight he
back toto his apartment, locked the bottle and balalaika in
safe and went to bed." The next day Stirlitz opens
safe - and there, instead of a balalaika and a bottle, there is a note:
“Stirlitz, have a conscience - you’re not the only one suffering from nostalgia.”
gee".
13. Stirlitz walked through the streets of Berlin. He's on the corner
I saw brightly painted women.
“Whore,” thought Stirlitz,
“Stirlitz,” the whores thought.
14. At midnight, two cars with
SS officers. The two walked to the door and knocked.
The rest cordoned off the back door and windows.
- Stirlitz, open up! -
Stirlitz walked to the door and said quietly:
- No one is home. -
- Who is speaking? -
- Berlin Radio speaking. Berlin time 15:00.
The SS men got into their cars and drove off.
Voiceover:
- This is how an experienced Soviet intelligence officer led hundreds by the nose -
SS mines.
15. From the window of his office, Stirlitz saw a group of people
who descended from the snowy mountain with the help
wooden runners and sticks.
“Skiers,” Stirlitz realized.
16. Müller, Bormann, Himler and
other employees. Pushing everyone to the buffet counter
Stirlitz approaches. He takes his lunch and sits down at the end table.
The queue watches him go with a stunned look.
Voiceover:
- They did not know that Heroes of the Soviet Union were being served
out of turn -.
17.Stirlitz went to the safe, opened it and with difficulty pulled it out
Mueller's memo. Müller swore loudly and waved his arms.
18. Stirlitz received another radiogram and now standing
read the code. Muller enters.
- Oh, Stirlitz, let me read it too.
He unfolds the piece of paper and sees a line.
"Stirlitz, you are a goat."
Muller did not know that the center had informed that Stirlitz
awarded the title of Hero of the Soviet Union.
19. Stirlitz shot blindly. The blind woman fell.
20. Stirlitz was walking down the street and suddenly a brick fell on his head.
“Those are the times,” thought Stirlitz.
“Here are those two,” Muller thought and threw the second one.
21. Stirlitz fell out of a 12th floor window and only
miraculously he managed to catch on to the cornice of the 9th floor.
The next day the miracle was swollen and very painful.
22. Stirlitz knew for sure. Surely he also knew Stirlitz.
23. Stirlitz was hit in the head by a bullet. “Explosive!” - spreading
Stirlitz thought with his brains.
24. Stirlitz wakes up in the morning, tied hand and foot, and
begins to feverishly remember what happened to him.
After much thought, he decides: “If anyone enters the cell,
I'm in black - that means I'm in the Gestapo and I'm Stirlitz. EU-
If people in green come in, that means I’m in the NKVD and I
Isaev." Two men in gray come in, pick him up and drag him over the
ridoram. The bound one kicks and screams: “For what?!” - You
Ra at the receptiongot drunk like a pig and caused mayhem. And also
People's Artist, Citizen Tikhonov!
25. Stirlitz entered the restaurant and tried to take off his jacket. Frau
The jacket was not removed.
26. Stirlitz shot and hit the top ten.
- Where did you learn to shoot like that? - asked Muller.
- TO OSOAVIAKHIM! - Stirlitz answered and thought that the answer was
Only an experienced intelligence officer can steal away without giving himself away.
27. Stirlitz sat upright. The car immediately started up and drove off.
28. From the window, Stirlitz saw how the soldiers parked the car.
“Poor pastor,” thought Stirlitz.
29. Stirlitz crossed the border unnoticed. He learned about this from
morning newspapers.
30. In the forest, Stirlitz ran into a branch.
- You should go home, girls! - said Stirlitz.
31. Stirlitz farted quietly. Quiet was offended and ran away.
32. Stirlitz walked with his wife down the street. A shot rang out. wife
fell. Stirlitz became wary.
33. Stirlitz beat for sure. Surely he fought back as best he could,
Or maybe he was a strong guy.
34. Professor Pleischner jumped from the window of the sixth floor for the third time
Sorry, but for some reason the poison didn’t work.
35. Stirlitz entered the dining room. I ordered buckwheat porridge and coffee.
There were no clean forks and spoons. I had to eat with my hands. For
for a long time Stirlitz felt Soviet for the first time
officer
36. Stirlitz gave a subscription to Borman. Borman bent over.
37. Stirlitz has not been in touch for a week. In the centeraccepted
the decision to send a liaison to him - radio operator Kat. She came
goes to Berlin, goes into Stirlitz’s apartment. Stirlitz va-
drunk and lying on the floor on the board. Nearby lies the encryption: "Te-
Now you can relax a little. Eustace."
38. Muller called Stirlitz to his office and sarcastically
asks:
- Stirlitz, what color are my panties?
- Red.
- So you got caught! - Müller exclaims joyfully.
- Only I and the Russian radio operator Kat knew about this.
- Stop being sarcastic, Muller, and zip up your fly.
39. At a banquet with Goebbels, Stirlitz gets up from the table, approaches
goes to the window and blows his nose loudly into the curtain. Runs up
infuriated Muller: - Stirlitz, don’t you know the rules?
good manners? Stirlitz reluctantly turns and looks at
him with a sad look. Voice-over: - Stirlitz knew
rules of good manners, he just suddenly wanted to be
Major Isaev.
40. Stirlitz went into the forest to pick mushrooms. He walked forward a little
- there were no mushrooms. I came back and there were no mushrooms again.
- Yes, apparently it’s not the season. - Stirlitz thought and sat down in a snowdrift.
41. Stirlitz ran gallopingly, then made a jerk and turned behind
angle. The jocks ran past.
42. - Partisans! - Stirlitz shouted in a hurry. The next day
In a hurry, a company of punitive forces arrived.
43. Stirlitz heated a potbelly stove. The next day atnewspapers around
There was a notice about the brutal murder of a Gestapo employee.
44. Stirlitz was talking nonsense. The nonsense screamed and fought back.
45. Professor Pleischner jumped out of the window when he realized that
turnout failed. Never before has the old scientist been so widely
I didn’t waste my time.
46. Stirlitz went out into the clearing and saw blue spruce trees. Taking a closer look-
As he walked, he realized that the blue ones not only ate, but also drank.
47. Stirlitz is driving along the road in a car. Standing on the side of the road
Muller votes.
- Fuck you! - thought Stirlitz, stepped on the gas and drove past
mo. After some time, Stirlitz sees the voter again
Muller.
- Fuck you! - thought Stirlitz, stepped on the gas and drove past
mo. After some time, Stirlitz sees the voter again
Muller.
- Fuck you! - thought Stirlitz, stepped on the gas and
passed by.
- He's mocking! - thought Muller.
- Ring! - Stirlitz guessed.
48. Stirlitz wanted to hang a curtain, but it was not easy to do -
Ko - Curtain resisted and hit him on the head with dumbbells.
49. Stirlitz walked through the spring forest, buds were hanging on the trees.
- More Gestapo tricks. - he thought.
50. Stirlitz needed to transport Pastor Schlag abroad
to Switzerland. He planned to carry out this operation in the mountains. B
the sports store where Stirlitz went had ski boots
Teens are only size 38 and he had to take thembuy. On
the next day, admonishing the pastor, Stirlitz asked: -
Pastor, what size shoes do you wear? - 45th. Looking
how with difficulty the pastor climbs the snowy slope, Stir-
The person thought: “But he doesn’t know how to ski at all!”
51. Schellenberg strictly and suspiciously asked Stirlitz:
- Stirlitz, are you a Jew?!
- I am Russian! - Stirlitz cried indignantly.
52. Stirlitz was very tired after a long working day. Therefore, when
When he went home, he immediately went to bed, but he couldn’t sleep. A little
later, he fell asleep.
53. Stirlitz got into a taxi and said to the driver:
- Touch it!
The driver touched him, Stirlitz liked it.
54. Stirlitz received an encrypted message from the center: “You have a son,
Congratulations!" A stingy man's tear ran down his cheek once
witch, because he hasn’t been home for twenty years.
55. Stirlitz in budenovka, in trousers with stripes, with a saber
naked, walked along the corridors of the RSHA administration, dragging behind him
wooden holster with Mauser. He's never been like this before
close to failure.
56. Stirlitz went to the door and quietly opened it. The light came on.
He closed the door - the light went out.
Stirlitz opened the door again - the light came on again.
He closed the door and the light went out.
Stirlitz opened the door a third time - the light came on.
He closed the door and the light went out.
- Fridge! - Stirlitz guessed.
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