ZX-ToP TiPs!

ZX-ToP TiPs!

Instead of buying Spectrums listed on ebay as "not tested but it should work", keep a broken 48K in your attic, and post it to yourself.

Keep flies out of your Spectrum's circuitry by storing raw meat on top of it, rather than inside.

PERVERTS. Try resting your knackers on a hot 128K heatsink for a thrill.

PERVERTS. Putting your knackers on a hot 128K heatsink is not as sexually gratifying as you might think.

Get the warm fuzzy nostalgia of RAMpack wobble by jiggling a screwdriver in the USB port of your PC.

GAMERS. Tweet a picture of yourself loading a game, then you don't need to play it.

Recreate the EM radiation of your old CRT telly by sellotaping some Strontium-90 on top of your laptop.
J. Smith, Saffron Walden.

Fool your neighbour into thinking you have a ZX-Spectrum by buying a dial-up modem.

CODERS. Save time by not putting anything after a REM statement - BASIC ignores it anyway.
B. Pape, Muckle Flugga.

CODERS. Stop hackers by making your game so appalling that nobody can be bothered.
Power House Software.

DAVID CAMERON. If you break your mate's 48K by plugging the joystick interface in when switched ON, don't run away.

NOUVEAU-RICHE MINERS. Avoid having a large clearing-up task in the morning by asking party-going revellers to tidy up as they go along.
Maria, Surbiton.

Save a miniscule fraction of your time by just typing J rather than LOAD before pressing <SYMBOL SHIFT> and P, twice, then <ENTER>, then waiting five minutes to play a game.
Uncle Clive, Cambridge.

ADVENTURERS. Prevent over-enthusiastic Dwarves from starting to sing about gold by not letting them sit down.
B.Baggins, The Shire.

SOFTWARE COMPANIES. Stamp out piracy COMPLETELY by making games that are so crap the tape they're on has more value as a blank tape.
Cascade Software, address not supplied.

Learn Piano Easily and develop incredible finger/brain independence by alternating between CURSOR/PROTEK and SINCLAIR INTERFACE 2 control methods each game.
T.Stamper, Ashby-de-la-zouche

ENTREPRENEURS. For maximum profit, bolt on a "datacorder" to an existing product and pretend it's a new one.
A.Sugar, address supplied.

VLOGGERS. Circumvent controversy by never ever making any jokes about old intellectual property with disputed ownership.
Horace (Mrs). Ski Lodge Lane, The Alps.

Prove the superiority of your machine over that of C64 owners' by showing off your rubber-massaged fingertips next to their calloused 'real key' worn ones.

See the ending of games by turning the cassette over, and loading them backwards.

SOFTWARE Houses. Trick children into buying your awful games by putting in-game screenshots from a system with superior graphics on the cassette cover with a microscopic disclaimer explaining that "Screenshots may be from different versions"

AMSTRAD owners - ensure you get the very best arcade ports by simply buying a ZX Spectrum instead.

MILLIONAIRES. Save yourself a lot of trouble by simply paying your maid a living wage to tidy up after any large gathering at your mansion.
Mrs Sinclair, Cambridge

SPECTRUM Users, make people think you've got a Commodore 64 by constantly talking about how vivid the various shades of brown are.
Barry Spectrum, Middlesborough

Don't waste precious time and money trying to get Jack and the Beanstalk to load.
Everyone, email

ZX-PHILANTHROPISTS. Replicate the enjoyment of supporting a crowdfunding project for free, by unwinding a coathanger and repeatedly poking yourself in the eye with it.
Edward Veryone, email.