ZX Doping Shocker!

ZX Doping Shocker!

Are Spanish and Russian Spectrum developers taking performance enhancing drugs? This article takes a British perspective on a foreign problem.

We've all seen the tell-tale signs of doping in professional sport. From the incongruously swollen jaw and testicles of the female Russian weightlifter to the improbable superiority of the whole Jamaican sprint team, it's stopping our clean living British, sorry - English, athletes, who are beyond reproach, from getting their deserved place at the top of the podium. Over the past 5 years the Spectrum scene has witnessed several jaw dropping epic games from the Spanish and Russian powerhouses, and I can't be the only one suspicious of their methods.

My whiskers began twitching in 2012 when we saw the release of Survivisection, followed up by Los Amores de Brunilda the year after. Any doubts I had that the coders weren't cheating were quashed when we saw Castlevania and Sword of IANNA not long after.

So it's time to say what everybody already knows: The Spanish and Russian coders are taking banned substances to attain superhuman coding and game design abilities.

What are they taking? Woot! Has undertaken exhaustive investigations and have obtained this written transcript from one of Retroworks's lead coders at Retromadrid:

"I love coffee, it's the first thing I drink when I wake up"

And there it is, a damning confession from a drug addled lunatic. Given that caffeine is the first thing on his mind in the morning it would be easy, perhaps even lazy, to extrapolate that to harder substances, so let's do that. Based on this evidence it's likely that the Spanish and Russian scene use blood transfusions, amphetamines and anabolic steroids while developing their games. Now, although this is not evidence in any real sense, the point still stands.

In summary the Woot! Team hope that the individuals in question will clean up their act, play fair, and ensure their games are a bit less impressive in future.

Ed - minutes before going to print, we receive news of a failed B sample belonging to none other than Jason Railton. If this turns out to be true, he's Greek.